I swear- there is something wrong with me. I have become so incredibly on edge lately. Yesterday's debit card debacle was just one example of how I am not handling myself well. The level of tolerance I have for anything and everything has become lower and lower. I am snappy and cranky and churlish. Yes. Churlish. The least little thing can set me off and I want to scream and I often tear up when tears really are not called for.
This is not only not acceptable behavior, it does not feel good.
I ran a load of clothes today with no problem and then tried to do a load of whites. Somehow, something got pushed that shouldn't have and suddenly I was unable to choose a function on the machine or start it. I was getting a little orange icon that flashed, along with the letters CL.
WTF? I mean, really.
I finally got my husband's attention in between phone calls and he started pushing things and unplugging and closing and unclosing the same way I had just done and that made me want to shriek.
"I've already done all that!"
"You need the instruction manual," he said, quite reasonably, "to see what this means."
"I can't find it!"
So then we both started looking up shit online and he figured out that I'd somehow activated the child lock and according to Those Who Know, you simply had to hold the child lock thingee for three seconds but where was that? What was that? It was NOT the orange flashing image which, it turned out, was indeed a lock as depicted by an alien. I finally discovered where it was via an online help page and yes, within three seconds, all was clear and I was able to perform the holy task of bleaching shit again.
But I didn't handle it well.
I hung the clothes on the line and of course I got bitten by another yellow fly. Since I was having such a great day I decided that I would finally get two things in the mail that I have been putting off because I have some sort of weird mail neurosis. I remember a boyfriend I once had who was unusual in some ways, not least of which was that he made his living selling drugs, who had a huge struggle with mailing things. Even things like a letter to his parents who thought he sent them to Europe on the money he made working at a sporting goods store. I thought he was nuts. Okay, he was. BUT- I couldn't understand his weirdness about postal service.
Now I do.
So anyway, I got what I needed to pack up packed up. I got the other thing I needed to mail ready. I went to the post office. I mailed them. And I should feel so relieved but I don't.
Here's what I did the rest of the day in pictures:
It is whatever it is in this case and I'll just ride it and try to calm down. A trip to the river is obviously in order but I don't see where in the schedule of the next few days that'll fit in. We shall see.
Which only makes me feel guilty and more like crying.
I had a totally uncharacteristic flood of anger a couple of months ago that was very scary for me. I could not entirely control myself. I think it was because I had to change my HRT due to shipping issues - at any rate after months of angst I finally got back on my original HRT and now feel worlds better and much more even-keeled. It was a terrifying 4 month ordeal, much worse than my original symptoms of menopause. I hope whatever is affecting you eases up quickly.ReplyDelete
Wow! Hormones are so powerful. And that's sort of what this reminds me of- PMS. But I'm taking the same hormones. This does not mean, of course, that I'M not changing and needing something different. If this keeps up, I'll be discussing it with my doctors.Delete
Well, at least you haven't just found out that those scattered fiendishly itchy bumps on your leg are not mosquito bites, but rather poison ivy.ReplyDelete
They're growing even more fiendish as we speak.
Poison ivy lasts a hell of a lot longer but the hours that it takes me to get over a yellow fly bite is horrible. Why are there so many things on our planet that we are allergic and reactive to? Intelligent design my ass.Delete
Laaaaaaavenderrrr bluuuuue, dilly, dilly. Laaaaaavender greeeeen. There, now doesn't that feel better?ReplyDelete
Oh yes. All better now. Especially after I just sang a few verses of My Favorite Things, too.Delete
I swear you are having panic attacks ... Been there, done that trip and it is terrifying and freezes you in angst🥺 and tears! 😢 I finally had to ask for help and now I take a 10 mg Lexapro every morning! Now I can go about my days as I should and I pretty much feel "normal!"ReplyDelete
You should really try something ... Your moods are worrisome for you and for those of us who follow you and care about you!
Oh, I take two different antidepressants for depression AND anxiety. This just feels different. But it has crossed my mind that I might need a change up of prescriptions.Delete
sorry to hear of your frustrations today...... these days do happen.....but if they are frequent......it gets concerning and overwhelming. Iv'e been whining about my strained shoulder and how it won't get better.......and then find out today that my neighbor/landlords goddaughter tragically died on Mt Shasta yesterday at age 32. I've stopped feeling bad for myself. My heart grieves tonight.ReplyDelete
sorry did not identify myself. WTH? It's Susan MDelete
Well, you know- I always say that someone else's cancer does not cure our broken leg BUT, yes, things can be put in perspective, can't they? The damn thing is, no matter what's going on, someone has it worse. Somehow this is not reassuring to me. I am so sorry to hear about your neighbor's goddaughter. What a terrible tragedy.Delete
Dear Mary, I don't know what to say. Being unhappy is not fun. More Keith Richards could be real beneficial.ReplyDelete
More Keith is ever and always helpful. Thank you, Joanne.Delete
Yes please more Keith, that was far too brief. Mary's no good very bad day- tomorrow will be different. Whiskey in morning coffee helps, I find. I get nothing done but that is OK, I am happy.ReplyDelete
Oh god! Whiskey in coffee? I'm already on the slippery slope to perdition! Perhaps, though- Mother's Little Helpers?Delete
I'm with you, especially with the dumb electronics. Everything is dumb these days, including myself.ReplyDelete
I am the dumbest thing of all. I swear.Delete
Did you know that directing a hot hair dryer at insect bites for as long as you can stand the heat will stop the itching for several hours.? I have done this and it works! It is on the internet as well, so it must be right!!!ReplyDelete
I don't have a hair dryer but sometimes I do use a very hot washcloth. It does help.Delete
I wonder if we're all suffering pandemic malaise. I'm waking up daily with terrible memories of things even minor things, that went wrong decades ago, upset all over again. Every day a new thing. It doesn't take much to upset any of us these days.ReplyDelete
I do not believe in astrology but I swear- it does seem that all of us appear to go through things at relatively the same time. Maybe it does have to do with the pandemic or perhaps it's the way the entire world seems to have lost its collective mind. Or all of it. I don't know. But emotions are powerful and it does help, I think, to know that we aren't the only ones going through shit.Delete
It's probably a build of of many small things, card bungles, FDG, abortion bans, mass shootings, capped off by the child locked machine. my machine has a child lock too, a single button with a key engraved on it to push so no child can get things started and mucked up, to unlock I just push the same button. They should all be that easy. I agree a day at the river with some pampering for you (no cooking) is a fine idea. I love that photo with the big wooden bowl and all the other pots. I'm going to print that, with your permission of course, and hang it in my kitchen.
There is so much trouble going on in the world. Just horrible things. And yes- sometimes it just takes a child lock to crack it all open for us. Funny how that works. Of course you can use any picture of mine you want.Delete
Oh, I am sorry, Mary, that you have been having some rough times. I think you might be missing the grands, too. Hope you have better days starting today!ReplyDelete
I do always get emotional when the Weatherfords leave. There is no doubt about that.Delete
For what it's worth, I've gone through (and continue to go through) many days like that. I just said to one of my co-workers yesterday, "I am SUCH A GRUMP!" (Things you don't want to hear from a co-worker -- LOL!) I blame it on the end of school, but I'll buy a Mercury-in-retrograde excuse too. (Whatever that means.)ReplyDelete
I have no idea what Mercury in retrograde means either and it seems to happen ALL THE TIME. I'm just still waiting on the Dawn of Aquarius.Delete
I think we all have periods like that. Tiredness probably doesn't help but some days things get right under the skin. I remember my sister in Denmark telling me that the door handle fell off and she burst into tears. Her husband had just left her and their four kids for his internet "soul mate" (who scammed him out of all his money, wouldn't you know), but I laughed and said "knowing how useless your husband was do you REALLY think he would have been any help"? And she laughed too!ReplyDelete
Yes! Exactly! It is so often the littlest straw that breaks the camel's back. Good story and I can relate, having been divorced myself once.Delete
Underneath it all, I would suggest that your present state of mind has a lot to do with the fact that August and Levon are far away in North Carolina. You can't just nip over to Tallahassee to see them and they can't be brought over to you. This has most probably unsettled you. Well, that's my theory anyway.ReplyDelete
Extreme heat makes me extremely edgy. So do husbands who keep prolonging the end of a renovation by finding more to do. Ye gods, man.ReplyDelete
When it gets Hot here in the Desert it seems to make everyone testy and on edge... near tears even when you don't know why. Naps help me get back to Center, preferably taken during the hottest part of the day. *winks*ReplyDelete
I think we all get like that sometimes specially where technology is concerned. Extreme heat and painful bites don't help. I hope you feel better soon.ReplyDelete
Can't believe I missed two posts. Well, yes I can. I can write or read and then there's Thursday when I don't write or read. Anyway, it's hot hot here and about all I'm doing outside is watering every day. I figure when I have days where I'm grouchy and irritable and everything is a fucking chore that all my biorhythms are down at the same time. I don't know it that's a real thing but I read once that humans have three biorhythms that fluctuate and when they are all at their low point shit just doesn't go well.ReplyDelete
Somehow I missed this. Honestly, you get more done on a bad day than I get done on a good one. But I'm so sorry that the hum of anxiety is stalking you, and there's no use feeling guilty about your blessings, we feel what we feel, for our own reasons, which are always valid, and often hold messages for us. Take care of yourself, dear Mary. I prescribe a day in bed, reading and dozing, or at least a couple of hours. LoveloveloveReplyDelete