Wednesday, June 30, 2021

Life In The Time Of All This

 It's been...a day. 
I woke this morning to find a text from my GP's office telling me that I had an appointment at 11:40 tomorrow morning. 
I had absolutely no knowledge of this. What I remember about my last yearly appointment was that it was in June and that by the time it was over, the office staff had gone to lunch and I (whoops!) forgot to schedule my next one although of course I've been trying to make myself call and do that for months now but... 
I haven't. 
I immediately went into total panic mode after reading that text. It gave me the option to cancel, confirm, or reschedule. Of course I haven't had my bloodwork done and if you don't have that then there's really not much to discuss at an annual physical. I suppose I could have driven into town when I got the text, had blood drawn and then gone to the appointment tomorrow but hey! Probably wouldn't give it time enough for results, right? 
I am talking about this as if it's funny but to me it was the absolute opposite of funny. I adore my GP but that fact does nothing to make me less anxious when it comes to exams. 
Nothing. I can't even blame him for being so freaked out. As I have said recently, my fear of all things medical is only getting worse as I get older and that's saying a lot. I can literally remember having what I now know were panic attacks in doctors' offices when I was a child, even if the appointment was for my mother or my brother, not for me. 

I texted back "reschedule" and got a message to call the office to do just that. Listen: even texting to that office takes a hell of a lot of courage. Calling? 
Well, if I tell you right now that just writing about all of this is ramping up my anxiety to a very uncomfortable level, it is only the honest truth.
But I did it. And the lady was so very nice. I've rescheduled for sometime in August that I don't want to specifically name because I'm crazy as a loon and that's just the way it is. 
I knew I had to do something to calm my heart and soul and blood-pressure so I took a walk and that did help tremendously, especially with the physical stuff. With anxiety, the physical and mental connections are undeniable and it is no wonder that many, many people go to the ER every day, thinking they are dying to discover they are "only" having an anxiety attack. I am aware enough now to know what's going on with me and my body and anxiety but that doesn't always help a whole lot. I still feel what I feel but I do know that getting out and taking a good, hard walk can relieve some of it. 

So that was my morning. 

I spent a great deal of today looking for a few new dresses to wear in North Carolina as well as a new pair of Croc flip-flops, having blown out a pair yesterday at the beach. I did find two dresses online that I think will be okay and a pair of Crocs but instead of my usual black, I got bright teal blue because that appears to be the only color available in the entire world at this point. Whatever. 

I also picked vegetables. 

Here you have various varieties of tomatoes including the Berkley Tie-Dye. Also a gallon of green beans, three okra, two cucumbers, one Carmen pepper, one picnic pepper (I think), one banana pepper, and a bit of basil. I took No Man Lord some tomatoes and eggs this morning on my walk. He took the bag I handed him, said, "Thank-you," and that was that. I did ask him how he was and he said, "I'm here." 
What more is there to say? 

Have you seen that Bill Cosby is probably going to get out of prison and that he cannot be retried? The Pennsylvania Supreme Court ruled that his trial was "unfair" due to a former prosecutor's promise not to charge him. This prosecutor also worked as one of Trump's lawyers during one of his impeachment trials so I suppose I really do not need to wonder overmuch about how THAT happened. 
I am livid. 
And I cannot imagine how the women he assaulted, drugged and raped, must feel right now. 

The patriarchy has gone nowhere, no matter how many people are under the impression that "things are better." Just as with racism, things just change a little bit. And not for the better. 

That's all I have to say this evening. I am sorry. I am not very cheerful.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. Well, you are honest which is more than I can say for a lot of people. I hope you have a sweet night and that you'll enjoy those dresses when you get to wear them.

  2. I am right there with you - on everything.

  3. Yeah, Bill will walk on this one. But I bet there are some more in the wings to get him with.

  4. So sorry about that medical anxiety. It's awful, and even when you understand what's happening, it's just to be got through somehow. Yes, there's nothing "only" about it when you're going through it.

  5. I can empathize regarding the panic attacks ... no fun! Now that the Orange asshole is mostly gone, my attacks have abated! I still have to control my breathing when I am going somewhere, but it's not too bad!
    Keep telling yourself that there is nothing to fear with your appointments ... it does help!
    Bill Cosby ... he is out and home and acting like he's done something great! Fucking asshole ... good thing he is in his 80s and pretty much blind! 60 women accused him ... and he gets to walk! When does their "fair" happen?

  6. It is hard to know what to say some times.
    Hope you feel better tomorrow...

  7. I can't imagine having to deal with that kind of anxiety. Hope tomorrow is a better day. Sending hugs and love.

  8. I bought my first pair of crocs. I quite understand why you had to have a new pair...even if they are teal blue.

    I too was dumbfounded over the news that Bill Cosby will be released. It seems to me that there are a lot of things being disregarded here. Totally disregarded.

  9. Hope today is a better day.

  10. Wow! Your vegetables are magnificent! I'm jealous of all your variety--I must plant more kinds of veggies next year.

    I couldn't believe it about Bill Cosby. Ugh. At least he's too old and washed up to be a danger to anyone else. But for his victims, this is NOT justice.

  11. Sorry about the anxiety. Hope you can feel better today.

  12. They do annual physicals differently here; we go and get our blood taken at some point during the appointment, and then the doc calls us after to discuss the results, if there's anything to discuss or follow up on, that is. My annual is next week. It was so far in the future when I made the appointment, and now it's looming. I pray I don't cancel it. As for America at large, nothing has changed except now we have a competent administration in the White House so as everything spirals, I can still close my eyes at night, trusting the grown ups to do what they can, which let's face it, is sometimes not a lot. At least they aren't spending every waking moment being arsonists themselves. That's something.

  13. I read that Cosby is probably going to get out on a technicality. God damn the system that allows that to happen!

  14. yes, they let that rapist out still claiming his innocence. but one tweet I read said you don't slip the woman a mickey if the sex is consensual. assholes. women are just fodder to them.

    I don't suffer anxiety at dr appointments but my blood pressure is usually a little high. and I can usually feel it going up as I drive in to the doctor's office. apparently it's a common experience.


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