Friday, January 10, 2020


As my darling Sue used to say sometimes, I have had the saddies today. There is truly nothing in this world that is going on that should make me feel that way but there it is and there you go- my whole being has been filled with that deep existential sadness that fills my body and mind and heart like gray cotton stuffing in a rag doll. Dense and not pretty in the least, settled in to every joint and valve and vein.

I even went back and looked on my blog to see if today was the anniversary of my mother's death because it felt like one of those days. A day when the body remembers, even if the mind has pretended to forget but no, she died on January 16, 2013 and if you'd held a gun to my head I could not have told you either the day or the year which says a great deal about me that I'm not proud of but it's the truth.

So I don't know what the deal is. It was a beautiful day and not cold but I couldn't even begin to bring myself to leave the yard to take a walk or go to the post office. Being here was all I could handle and so home I stayed. I swept seven rooms and the hallway, wondering as always how in the world so much dust can accumulate in such a short period of time. I swept up poodles-full of dust along with the black sandy dirt of Lloyd. I did laundry. I washed the sheets. And then I sat on the couch and watched one episode of Schitt's Creek after another, mindless and vaguely interesting, saved from complete ridiculousness by the amazing Catherine O'Hara and Eugene Levy and Daniel Levy and while I watched, I embroidered and beaded on Maggie's dress which was a sort of meditation for my hands.


So not perfect and my French knots are ludicrously uneven and deformed but still, I'm proud of the way it turned out. 

Mr. Moon came home just after I'd finished and I took a shower, wondering how in the world I was going to manage another birthday party but I put on my nun-nightgown dress and my silver conch shell necklace that May gave me and my favorite silver earrings and my new Dansko Mary Jane clogs and my husband made me a drink and off we went. 
When we got to Lily's, Gibson greeted us with his Gibson hugs and he kept saying, "Do you want to see the birthday girl?" and finally we did. There weren't too many people there and Lily had made queso dip and it wasn't so bad. Owen asked me what I thought I was best at doing and I told him "cooking" and he told me that he didn't know yet what he is best at and I told him that that was okay, he had plenty of time to figure it out. 

There was pizza and there was salad and there was Maggie who ran up to her mother and hugged her and said, "This is the best birthday party ever!" and there was Wiley Cash and The Darling Lenore who reminded me of Cher tonight, flipping back her long dark hair, wearing her shorts and cowgirl boots. When Maggie spilled orange soda all over the princess dress she was wearing it seemed like a good time for her to open my present and she did and she seemed happy with her new dress and when her mother suggested she put it on she said, "NO! NO! NO! Okay." 
She did put it on and here she is showing someone in the kitchen the beans on it. 


"Beads," her mother told her. 
"Beads," Maggie said. 

And then there was cake. 


Maggie didn't want any cake and she didn't want any ice cream, either, although her mama and daddy said that she couldn't open her presents until after cake and ice cream and I said, "Why not?" and so she opened her gifts while we all ate our sweet birthday goodness. May and Michael had gotten there by then and that was more sweetness. Jessie and Vergil didn't make it because the boys were exhausted and Hank and Rachel didn't either due also to exhaustion but for different reasons. 
But it was fine and there were plenty of folks to wish that girl happy birthday and I survived. 
My right eye is twitching like the plump pretty asses at a twerking convention and I still can't figure out any reason at all that I'm feeling this way, gray cotton stuffed and dull and dreary but that's the way it is. 
I'm also feeling especially tender towards my husband and perhaps that's just part of the whole thing- being raw and exposed and sad and open to all of it. 

I don't know. 
I don't know shit. 
But I do know that Ms. Maggie June has been birthday-loved to pieces and that she is an amazingly lucky child. 

My eyelid twerks and and twitches. I spent hours plying a needle in and out of pretty flannel, we have clean sheets. The moon is round and full as a mama's belly the night before she gives birth. See? There is nothing wrong at all. 
And perhaps tomorrow I will feel that in my bones. 

We shall see. 

Love...Ms. Moon

25 comments:

  1. Goddam I am so sorry Mary. But the beans on that dress and your French knots are gorgeous I hope her mama saves it for her so that one day so grown Maggie can appreciate all your clever lithe hands can do.
    Big love from the beast under the ocean,
    Rebecca

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  2. The dress and the little girl in the dress are lovely. And birthday loved to pieces sounds fine too.

    I'm hoping you're feeling better by the time you read this. My grandson is over tonight, picked him up after work. He's okay. Cranky which isn't like him and he won't drink. I wonder if he's got a sore throat.

    I just picked him up because he was crying. He was covered in vomit which answers that question.

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  3. I love the phrase, Birthday loved to pieces. Everyone should be and your lucky little girl looks lovely in her new dress. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

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  4. How wonderful that that glorious and lucky girl has a grandma that makes her sweet homemade dresses. The saddies have been visiting up here too, even my hubs has them. He gets them much less frequenty than I do. I wonder if I will get to be a grandma. My eldest is 25 next month. He's a careful kinda young man, just as he was a careful kid, not willing to make mistakes, though a baby is hard to call a mistake! My 18 year old is still at home with us and content to be so, and I am glad of it. I wonder what your new Mary Janes look like. Mary Janes are a favorite style of mine.

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    1. Just be patient. You'll probably get some grandchildren sooner or later. Google Dansko Sam Mary Jane clogs to see what they look like.

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  5. The dress is so lovely! Your beaning is beautiful.

    I get the eye twitch, had it for ages last year. Magnesium needs, in my case.

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  6. Definitely the finest description of an eye twitch I’ve ever read. And I too am impressed by Maggie’s beans, both on the dress and in boldness of spirit. Ah Mary, my love, it may not be the date your mother died, but that does not mean you are not mourning her, the mother you had and the one you wished you had. The little girl in you knows such sadness and sometimes I guess she needs to let it out, give it light. You will always be healing, and your heart will always be big and tender and so full of love. I was so moved by Owen’s question. He’s a thoughtful boy isn’t he? I think you cook wonderfully but if I had to guess I think the thing you do best is love.

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    1. Yeah. There is no end to this healing. You are right.
      Sigh.
      Owen IS a thoughtful boy. Lately I've been wondering if he's taken some sort of communications class. He keeps asking all of these open-ended questions that crack me up. Thank you for saying that about the love.

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  7. A massive virtual hug to you Ms Moon. We wre all just getting through the days, and thank goodness for love in the world. That dress with the knots and beads is a treasure. And Maggie is too.

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    1. And a big hug back, Jill. We ARE all just getting through the days, waiting for times to get better, doing our best to help that process whenever we can.
      Maggie is indeed a treasure.

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  8. I will call my beads beans from now on, in honor of Maggie. The dress is lovely. When she gets older she'll know how much her gma loved her. I hope the dress is treasured.

    About death anniversaries, I can only remember them vaguely, such trauma around losing my parents young. I felt guilty about that until I realized I always knew everyone's birthdays. So I remember them then. I like it better, too.

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    1. Birthdays are definitely the most important things. You're right.
      And I will probably always think of beads as beans now too. Makes perfect sense.

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  9. "A twerking convention" -- ha! THAT's a visual.

    Sorry about the saddies, and about your eyelid. I'm guessing you strained your eyes working on the embroidery...? That's my diagnosis from afar. But, like you, I don't know shit.

    Maggie is so funny -- "NO! NO! NO! Okay." And what child doesn't want cake and ice cream? What was that about?

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    1. No, not the embroidery. Stress. It happens.
      Yes. We ALL laughed when Maggie said that. She can turn on a very thin dime.
      Twitch-Twerk. Similar.

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  10. I'm sorry you're feeling down - is it a winter thing? Over here at least the winter can be long, dark and miserable so I get where you're coming from. But that dress!!!! Oh lordy that's so pretty. You're a very talented lady!

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    1. I just get sad sometimes. Part of depression, I suppose, which lurks at the best of times.
      Thank you for the words about the dress. I had so much fun doing it.

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  11. pretty asses twerking in your eye. great! Could be that more sleep could be a remedy, mine does that frequently ,though i sleep like the dead...so I do not know what I am talking about. Maggies dress is adorable, nice touch with the embroidery and "beans", something to treasure and when it is worn out the embroidery will remain, trim for a pouch or something for Maggie to take to college with her.

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    1. I sleep like the dead too.
      Wouldn't that be a sweet thing for Maggie to do with her beans? I like thinking of that.

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  12. a birthday party can be a good distraction from inner things that weigh us down. I imagine things are better today.

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    1. And you were right, Ellen. Things got much better.

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  13. These days must serve a purpose, if only we knew. I watched a perfectly ordinary British movie last night and just sobbed and sobbed. I think I need to watch it again to figure out why. (I will not).
    That dress is simply gorgeous!

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