Wednesday, March 28, 2018

Letting It Be

Am waiting for these sharp bluesy days to pass, am hoping they will soon. I did my usual walk this morning and it did nothing at all except make my legs and hips hurt more than ever and I'm in that phase of depression or whatever it is that makes your body hurt and although I made myself get out and rake up a few cartfuls of leaves to spread on the still naked parts of the garden and plant a row of tomatoes, that was all I could do and I peeled off my gloves and left things as they were, the remaining tomatoes, eggplants and peppers still in their little cups, the corn seeds in my back pocket.

I think I've been disassociating all day long, almost feeling as if I was in a state of walking catanoia, and instead of being-here-now, I've been being-god-knows-where, and although I am quite sure I ironed some shirts and I planted those tomatoes, and I took that walk, I don't really have a full sense of having done any of it, just vague images of trees and a puddle and a gray sleeve on the ironing board.

In some disconnected part of me I am curious as to what has triggered any of this, as to why this is happening now but I'm not sure that anything really has. It is just part of the way my brain is made, whether from genes or from early experience or from the wrong spell being cast at my birth.

Who knows? Not me.

As usual.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. I'm so sorry...I hope you sleep well and wake up sunny.

  2. Awwww, Mary I hate to hear that! Muddling through is totally different from disaccociating. And I think easier to get out from under. I can only hope for a restful sleep tonight and waking to a bright new day tomorrow. Here, in the Land of No Sun (no more than a two-hour stretch of it in 16 days, and rain in the forecast for the next six days!) I'm hanging on by a thread myself.

  3. My heart hurts for you .......... I am familiar with the feelings you are feeling today. May tomorrow or the next day be better. The *better* day will come.......but getting there is hard work and frustrating. I've tried to force *better* but that doesn't seem to work it's own time, peace will come
    love and hugs to you
    Susan M

  4. Forgive me please, but didn't you post recently that you had or were planning to stop your antidepressant medication?

  5. What Sarah said...hugs from me, too. ❤

  6. It seems that several people are having a rough time now. I wonder about this and what might be happening in the atmosphere. I’m hoping it passes soon. Love Joanne

  7. I hope this passes soon. Who knows why these feelings arise. Is it time to revisit your doctor? I wonder if it has to do with the change of seasons -- I mean, people expect to be a little blue in the winter, but in the spring we're all supposed to be joyous, right? And maybe that expectation exerts some pressure on our emotional states.

  8. Imagine me alongside you, my arm around your shoulders or your hand in mine, loving you. I hope the blues and sense of disconnection lifts soon.

  9. Science knows no "wrong" genes, just different variants.
    And I refuse to believe in wrong spells or wrong moods or wrong whatever. Nothing is fixed adn we don't have to be better than we already are.
    (She says, crawling under her covers.)

    Let's hope for a better day tomorrow.

  10. I remember the bagwhan and followed it in the Portland news. Even had a boyfriend who was down there With the group but left as he is very anti authority. But a couple of people I knew got very involved for awhile. Crazy times and I really liked the production.


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