Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Not Quite Myself Today

I feel some crazy today and I do know why. It is not one of those out-of-the-blue crazies that come upon us sometimes unaware, leaving us breathless, anxious, scared, confused.
Although yes, I do feel all of those. I thought I was prepared for the reason I feel crazy but turns out, not entirely.

I can't really talk about it and it'll pass and all will be well but today and tomorrow I am not going to be quite right and I know it and that's all there is to it. Now my job is to try and deal with things as best I can and know why I am feeling the way I do and to try and act, not react, try to keep the crazy fenced in to where it is manageable, not hurtful to me or any other living creature.

I have been slightly horrified lately with the reactions to terrible things happening to people who perhaps deserve them (but who am I to say?) that I've read on Facebook. Citing karma and god's divine intervention to punish the guilty, people seem to thrill at the idea of justifiable suffering and I'm not sure why I don't. If I were Buddhist, which I am not, I would point out that no suffering is a good thing for the universe, deserved or not. If I do truly believe this, I have to believe it on a personal and immediate level as well as on a more universal one.
But I struggle.
Like Isabel Dahousie, Alexander McCall Smith's philosopher character, I struggle with that which is moral or immoral on a more removed and therefore more theoretical level and that which affects me and those directly around me. This simply means I am human and I am not beating myself up about it all, but trying to do right, trying to be right, trying to accept the very humanity of those around me, even as I try to accept it within myself.

Well, I am not a fictional character (although aren't so many fictional characters as real and engaging to us as many of the "real" people we know and don't I, in some ways, create myself as a fiction here daily, no matter how much I protest that I do not simply due to the fact that it is only my perspective of myself which is presented?) and so there is not black nor white, there is no line to be drawn which, if I cross it, will result in either "good" or "bad" and quite certainly, there will be no tidy outcome which signifies the end to a story, an incident, a book, but only what is.

God. This is incredibly dense and ridiculously cryptic and I apologize but as always, I am writing it out, that which happens internally and that which happens externally, and trying to be fair and trying to be...well...sane.

It is warm and muggy today. I took a walk and saw Beauty Berries and spiders. I was waved at many times by folks in cars and trucks as they passed me, other human beings going from one place to another, acknowledging me and I acknowledged them with my returning wave, and that's  enough for now. It truly is. The boys are coming this afternoon and I am so grateful and am looking forward to Owen telling me, "Don't look! Don't listen!" as he presses play on the Rolling Stones in order to surprise me and Brown Sugar will begin again and there will be merriment, there will be joy. There will be a sort of peace in the chaos of the chords as my grandsons dance and run, laugh and demand that I pay them all of my attention which I will be so very happy to do.


  1. Sometimes putting it all down in words just makes it sting all the more.

    I have nothing to say or give but I am sending love.

    Oh, and this.


  2. Hug that little girl real tight today, and yes, I believe he also deserved to die. (If I incorrectly read between the lines, forget everything I said.)

  3. I had one of those days yesterday. Isn't it nice that we have normal, even mundane, things to do that help click us back in to our comfort zone when we need it. Your grandbabies are that and so, so much more. I love the ebb and flow of life although sometimes I forget that.
    You do a wonderful job of it though.
    Love to all.

  4. I'm having one of "those" days also and yes, I know where it's coming from and what to do. nothing. except don't let too much of the crazy out and go for a swim and know that it will be different tomorrow or the next day or it won't and life goes on it's merry or miserable way. At the very least there are those beautiful boys to hug.

  5. Yes to all of this, I am feeling it too. I am wishing you peace. My own head is banging around so hard and no matter of yoga or meditation or Mark Nepo seems to cure it. I guess we just have to let it pass, sometimes. May yours pass quickly.

  6. i hope the score by now reads something like this: Peace 17, Chaos 4.

  7. I am thinking good thoughts for you and glad you will have sweet hugs from your boys. Sweet Jo

  8. Lord. I know this feeling so well. Holding your hand. Breathing in unison. All will be well. Love.

  9. I feel the same way -- exactly. About. Those things. I know what you're talking about. I don't know why, but I do.

  10. I'm glad not to be on FB. There are enough bad things written on articles in Huff Post and other places on line. Most of them have to do with the President being the devil or some such crap. Zero compassion for gay people wanting to have a life together and lots of piping up by old white Republicans who want to drag us into another war. It's enough to make any of us crazy.


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.