Saturday, June 5, 2010

A Dream Of A Day On The River


We had about the most lovely day on the river imaginable. It didn't storm and we saw turtles and maybe a snake. The water was as clear as water can be and spring-fed cold. We went swimming. Well, some of us. Owen didn't. We put his feet in the water and he screamed. But then he recovered and kept looking at us in the water like, "Where are your BODIES?" He was delighted at the magic trick of disappearing bodies and smiling faces.

When we were swimming, a boat pulled up with two people and a dog in it. The woman turned out to be someone I've known since, well, before May was born. A long, long time. And I've never really enjoyed her company. She's, well, she's sort of crazy and she's a hyper-critical person. I'm not really criticizing her here, that is just the way she is. Always has been. Always will be. Her form of communication is to share her disdain about something with you. Or some one.
In other words, not a pleasant person to be around and here we were having the times of our lives in the boat and in the river and suddenly, there's this woman.
We talked for a moment and she asked if Owen was my grandson and I told her that yes, he was. She said that her daughter has moved to Atlanta and so she never gets to see her grandchildren and in fact, is not allowed to see them.

I don't know who I felt more sorry for- her or her daughter or her grandchildren because obviously, there's a reason when a child decides not to allow her mother to see her children whether it's a control issue or due to resentment or, well, there could be a million reasons and whatever the reasons are in this case, it just makes me sad that things can get so out of whack in a family that a situation like that arises.

I looked at my family, all around me, laughing and teasing each other, Hank holding on to Owen, Taylor sitting on the dock, Lily, Jason, Jessie, May and Mr. Moon and me in the water, and it struck me once more how unbelievably lucky I am.

My kids love to hang out with each other. Their memories of childhood and growing up are mostly good memories. I don't think any one of them holds any huge grudges or resentments against another. And I don't even think they hold any against me or Mr. Moon, either.

And look- we're not the perfect family by any means. God KNOWS I've made my mistakes. And continue to do so. And the kids all went through teenaged stuff and there were worries and there were fears and there were hard, hard times.
But I think the bottom line was that there was never a time when the kids doubted that we loved them. Never a time when they didn't know in their hearts and souls that we had their backs. That I was there for whatever and their daddy was there for that and whatever else.

And frankly, we still are.

And now here we are with this new boy and it's like he belongs to all of us. Not in the sense that Lily and Jason aren't definitely and without a doubt his parents and always will, but in the sense that he is OF us and that he is here with us and that we are all here for him. And oh, how he delights us.

We saw some darling little cottages on the river and the children started teasing their daddy about how he should build each of the kids one of those on our property and we could all live together.

"Fine with me," I said, "As long as everyone doesn't come to my house when they run out of toilet paper."
"Oh, we wouldn't do that," said Jason. "But we could come over every night for family dinner."

Mmmmm.... I thought. Maybe. Then again, maybe not.

But in a way, wouldn't that be wonderful? I said that everyone could have a place for Owen to sleep and he could just pick a bed in whichever relative's house he wanted to stay in each night. We all agreed that would be sweet.
And of course I seriously doubt that is going to happen.
But isn't it precious that the kids would even talk about it? That they would think it was a good idea?

I've always said that when I was growing up if I had one dream, it was the dream of having a family like the one I'd always wanted and never had. A family where there were no big, poisonous secrets. A family where there really was love at the bottom and the top and in the middle. A family where arms are wrapped around each other and where you always know you have a place to be, to rest, to recover, to be nurtured, to have fun, to be goofy, to cry. Whatever you need. Someone will be there for you. Always.
Someone will cherish you and patch you up and cheer you up and share the joke and make you a sandwich and change a diaper and let you bitch and tell you you are beautiful, you are wise, you are light in and of itself.

I have that family.

I have that family.

And for those of you who did not grow up in a family like the one I'm talking about, you know what I'm talking about. And for those of you who did, perhaps you know the miracle of it too. I hope so. And I hope you don't take it for granted.
Because there is nothing on this earth which can make you as strong as having a group of people who know and love you to your innermost core, the very depths of your soul.

I am allowed to see my grandson. And I am allowed to take care of him. I am allowed to love him as purely and irrationally as I do.

Yeah.

So when I'm posting pictures of my family, of my husband and my children and my grandchild, I am not just posting pictures of the people I am related to.

I am posting pictures of the only real dream I ever had, come true and visible and tangible and real.

I am posting pictures of the miracle of my life.

Amen.

This. This I never even could have dreamed. I didn't have the means.


The man who asks for this trip down the river with his family to celebrate his birthday. My eldest, my one-of-a-kind, incredibly wise, gentle, loving son.

My May who walks in grace and in light. Who is more like me than is good for her.

My Lily and my Jessie. Strong and tall and funny and loving and smart and hard-working and beautiful.

Jason and Owen. Jason has turned out to be the best daddy Owen could ever have. I am in awe of the way he loves and takes care of that boy. He calls me "Mom." Nothing could make me happier.

Owen in his Aunt Jessie's arms and our Tay-Tay in the background. She is family too.

This is what love can make.

This is how love can be.

This is what love looks like to me, the luckiest woman in the world.

30 comments:

  1. So very beautiful. Your family is wonderful and each and every person that comes and goes through the lives of your children feels that same warmth. I know I always did. And those of us who didn't have THAT kind of family, will always hold onto the piece of it you gave us.

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  2. I've got tears streaming down... this is just beautiful. And what I want for my children. Didn't have that growing up (though my mom thinks we did... that's another story...) and it still haunts moments we share as a family. Something is off. But I will use every inch of my being to make sure that is not the way it is with my children.
    This was such a beautiful testament to family. You are a lucky woman :)

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  3. Oh I'm just so teary eyed over here! This is so lovely. Beautiful, beautiful.

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  4. Thank you for reminding me that family is a gift, and not a guarantee. Those who have a family are lucky, and must extended that gift to those less lucky.

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  5. What a sweet post and a beautiful family!

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  6. ZenGato- I just figured out who you are, dearheart! You should come and see me....

    Corinne- So you understand. And it will be good with your children because you know what is important.

    SJ-I love you too.

    Lora- Bless you, beautiful mother of beautiful babies.

    Nancy C- It works out that way. It does.

    Rebecca- Thank-you.

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  7. What a great time! Love the pix.

    You all are so brave, I was getting mad-hot today. Irritable and yelling for no other reason but that I was hot and miserable. I'm thinking it maybe cooler on the water.
    xo

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  8. you are damn right there is nothing quite like making the family you lacked as a child and feeling the love and security that comes from that.

    bless us all and let us all experience that love.


    xxalainaxx

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  9. Ms. Fleur- It was very cool IN the water.

    Mrs. Miss A.- I hear you.

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  10. What a beautiful sweet wonderful day you had! You really are so fortunate to have such a loving family--a dream come true.

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  11. That is so beautiful, it made me cry.

    No matter what happened in your own childhood, I can see you have survived so well, and are now such a marvellous woman standing at the centre of your wonderful family.

    You have woven an amazing warmth, happiness and humour tightly around your loved ones and I can see you will forever be loved and surrounded by them in return.

    What a beautiful down to earth person and what an incredible role model you are Ms Moon and such an inspiration, thank you for making me cry happy tears :)

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  12. Ms. Moon... I am so glad you have this love. You created it, you know. You and your man, and the love and beauty of your heart. Enjoy it.

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  13. There's nothing but good here, and I thank you for sharing all that goodness. I can feel it.

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  14. I love how you love your family. And how you still love Mr. Moon with such strength and passion. You have what we aspire to have and I am so glad that you got your dream.

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  15. Looks like love to me too Moon. I miss you all!

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  16. Happy, smiling faces all around. Looks like Hank's birthday wishes came true for all of you. x0 N2

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  17. your post touched my heart a thousand times... Bitter sweet reading... Family should be the center of all things, and it is sad when it does not happen.
    Everyone looks so happy.... A wonderful sight: a family having togetherness and enjoying it!

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  18. I love you, your post, your pictures, your family. Thanks for sharing your wonderful day with us. You are a lucky woman.

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  19. You are a wonderful writer! Your family photos say it all about the rich and loving relationships there. I look forward to reading what you have to say each day! Thank you! Wendy

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  20. Yesterday on the river was all kinds of fun and beautiful. Just like you.

    Thanks for swimming with me, Mommy. But you never did try to catch me like I asked you too. I forgive you. hehe

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  21. I love getting everyone together and going to the water. Even if I do get sunburned each and every time!

    You know, though, it's true. No matter what I have faced in my life, knowing that my family is always there and always ready to back me up (or, if I need it, to knock me down a little) is what I figure has kept me fairly even keeled and on my feet, no matter what.

    I'll post my pictures a little later today. Including a picture or two of YOU!

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  22. Lois- And don't I know it?

    donna- Ooh. I freak out when anyone calls me a role model. I mean, I sound good on PAPER but mostly I think that hell, I just got incredibly, unbelievably LUCKY!
    But thank-you so much.

    Angie- I had no idea. None.

    Elizabeth- Aw. But we're all a little evil, too...
    In our own goofy, evil ways. I mean- there's Mean Aunt Jessie for starters.

    K- I think I know what's important. I believe I do, anyway.

    Omgrrl- Y'all ought to plan a trip!

    N2- Exactly!

    Photocat- We enjoy each other and that's for sure.

    Mel- My joy. To share.

    Wendy- You are so welcome and thanks for saying that.

    Honeyluna- I could never catch you, you silly girl. You are a mermaid. I am a mergrandmother.
    I love you!

    DTG- I HATE pictures of me. Dang.
    Seriously though, I always know you have my back. I feel that every moment of life and that is something so special I can't even begin to tell you.
    I love you.

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  23. There's more than luck at work here dear lady :)

    I see you as a fabulous role model, (i wish you had been around when i was a kid to teach me the art of loving that my mother knew nothing about).

    I'm sure your girls and everyone around you see you that way too, and you will be an amazing human-role-model for little Owen....give in to it and love yourself for it, you are a great role model..ok.. :)))

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  24. I think that this is a wonderful gift and is something that I wished I had. But I don't so I have to move forward with what I do have as imperfect as it may be. It does make me sad at times, but I have to remember that each of us has much to be grateful for. And I am grateful for the few people that I do have in my life who have my back.

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  25. Lisa- My beauties.

    Donna- You are making me blush.

    Syd- I am sure you have that in your life.

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  26. Amazing. Perfect. Beautiful. Miraculous.

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  27. Lucky and blessed. You worked for it though, you somehow believed in it. You loved it into being, with yuor big, brave heart.
    Amazing stuff.

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  28. Bautiful day. Beautiful family.
    I would tell you how lucky you are, but I know you already know. :)

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.