Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Fitness Fest Or Torture Test?


I have been a mostly regular exerciser since I was in my mid-twenties. It's just always been a part of who I am, although it wasn't until I hit my forties that I discovered my inner jock girl and really let her take control. It was awesome! I think I realized at the beginning of my forties that really, it wasn't ever going to get any better than it was at that moment and I got things UNDER CONTROL with the help of Jock Girl. I even worked for Weight Watchers.
And actually, my forties were probably my best-looking decade. I'm serious. I actually, for the first and only time in my entire life, liked the way I looked.
And I didn't feel so bad either.

And then came my fifties. Ah-yah, as I say.
I got a bum knee and it took quite a while for that to heal although when I couldn't walk, I started bicycling. I hated it but I did it.
But I just wasn't as obsessed as I'd been before. Maybe because we moved here and I was just...happier. Who knows?
Then a few years ago I got a wake-up call in the form of a cholesterol test and I went back into obsessive mode. I exercised very regularly and I just ripped my diet up and reworked it. I ate GOOD. I followed Michael Pollen's advice before I'd ever heard it:
Eat food. Mostly plants. Not too much.
Honey chile- I gave up CHEESE!
And I got fairly happy with the way I looked and felt again.
And then...oh dear. I don't know what happened. I stopped paying so much attention. One tiny sin led to others. My foot got fucked up. I got stuck in traffic. The check got lost in the mail.
You know.
And actually, I believe that one of the things that happened was that as my fifties progressed, I realized that I'd hit a point where no matter what I did, my body was just not going to be what it had been. Every day brought new revelations of the pull of gravity, the weight of age.
It was discouraging.

And the weight has crept up and the arms have lost tone and the, well, really. I don't want to sit here and target all the things which disturb me so greatly about my body because hell's bells! I'm fifty-five years old and I'm just not as concerned with it all as I once was.

BUT, this is not to say I want to slip quietly into old-age spread. I love having muscles, even if they're hidden beneath drapey skin. I WANT to be able to wear clothes that, when wearing, I look and feel okay in. I'm never going to be Miss America and I'm never going to be Miss Body Builder USA and I'm never going to be Madonna either and I'm aware of that but there's nothing wrong with being the best that I can be, or at least not the WORST I can be. You know?

So I've dusted off the hand weights. I'm back to doing the crunches. I have actually walked fairly TWO DAYS IN A ROW! Ha-ha-ha! And I realized today that the main thing I'm going to have to do is get up earlier and not spend the first two hours of my day here on the internet and I'm going to have to make that walk my first priority every day because it's just too damn hot to wait until ten-thirty in the morning to get out there.
How hot is it?
Well, it's so hot that the only way I know I'm having a hot flash is that I have that horrible urge to pee.
TMI?
Well guess what, my little chickadees- I'm talking about YOUR future. Unless you're one of those blessed ladies who doesn't have the hot flashes. Ever.
Or a man. In which case you picked the wrong day to visit Blessourhearts.

So there I am in the woods, so hot I think I might explode or melt or just fall over, trying to figure out where to pee, so damn hot that if a bear suddenly burst through the trees I'd merely lay down and let him rip my guts out.
"Take 'em!" I'd tell him. "I'm too hot to run."

So. Must change my routine. Must change my life. AGAIN! Because dammit, every time in my life that I have thought for sure that I'd gotten this whole exercise and diet thing down, I've had to come back and ruefully admit that no, I had not.
Not forever. Not by a long fucking shot.

Sigh.
Well, as I told Jessie today, going for a walk in this heat is sort of a physical fitness test I can take daily. If I can do THAT, then surely, I am not about to die.
It's crude. It's unpleasant. But it's probably true.

And again I must say BUT. This is no way to run a life. After a walk like that I am mostly ready to lie down and pass out. Okay, not really. But two hours later? Oh boy. I sure am. When my core temperature approaches normal, I'm not good for shit. Which sort of defeats the purpose, don't you think?

All right. I'll let you know how this life-altering plan goes. I sure hope it works. Because honestly? Once again I am forced to admit- it's not going to get any better than this and if I don't work at it now, I'll be one of those people limping around a dead mall clinging to my walker with The Greatest Hits From World War II playing on my iPod. Wearing the ugliest polyester work-out clothes you've ever seen. Size Gazillion. Thinking to myself, "Really, Ms. Moon, it's not going to get any better than this."

And I can almost bet that I'll be having hot flashes and honey, you can't just squat and pee in the mall.
Well, you can. But they arrest you. And then put you in a nursing home. Where they make you do chair aerobics. Wearing Depends.

It's never going to end, is it?

25 comments:

  1. Swimming. That's what's needed.

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  2. I just have to laugh ruefully at the glimpse of my own future, and then recommit myslef to htat inner jock that I know might be hiding somewhere underneath the plumpness.....

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  3. Walking on the beach or going to an air-conditioned gym when it is really too hot to breathe are some things that I do. I like to still see my ribs and not having sagging pectorals so I work out. But as my wife has shared, gravity wins every time. And so I do my bit to still be a young lion at least in my head.

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  4. ah that post tears me back and forth...because on one hand..i eat organic food a lot, i go to the bgym, pilates and swimming..but otherwise.i mean..my body is a temple..but on certain days its disneyland...and i dont think we should try to stay forever young..or do it like madonna and be reborn as a twenty year old ironman..i want to fall into my grave sideways..a glass champagne in the right hand...chocolate in the left..and scream: woohoo what a ride!!!....so...do just what u need to feel at home in ur body..:-) plus u once said ur legs where gone..i recently saw them..an dthey where under your skirt..so..:-) its not as bad as you think:-)

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  5. After reading this a bit ago I took a walk during lunch, so thank you for the inspiration.

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  6. I was going to say, swimming?

    But DTG said it already.

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  7. It isn't going to end. And you keep coming back to it, so don't beat yourself up for straying for a while. You're lovely and an inspiration.

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  8. oh I love this.
    Thanks for making me laugh.
    Also for giving me hope.
    I REALLY like this idea of having 40 be the decade where I feel good about myself physically (mentally too). I've been thinking this might be the case, if I can keep on the way I have been. And you've just helped me cement it. It WILL be the case.
    I love you.
    You can do it.
    Walk on.

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  9. DTG and Jo- But Lloyd Creek isn't deep enough! Unless it's flooding.

    Kori- She is THERE! Holding her whistle.

    Syd- Gravity does win but dammit! we can fight to the death!

    Danielle- I'm with you all the way! And yes, I still have legs. They just don't look the same. Boo-hoo.

    Stephanie- Yay!

    Mwa- On I never ENTIRELY quit. I just get lackadaisical about it all.

    Bethany- You can do it too, girl! Your forties are going to be tremendous!

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  10. I have nothing useful to say, except, I think you look maaavelous dahling.

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  11. I love this and dreaded reading it because I'm right behind you at age 46. I so need to get my ass up and moving and I so hate the way I look right now and I know, too, that I'll wish I were 46 again in another few years. So, I'm going to do it. I'm going to force myself to run a block and walk a block until I can run both blocks. And I actually love weight training -- I just need to find someone to do it with --

    Thanks for the laughs and the inspiration, Ms. Moon!

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  12. I love exercise, but I must admit a big part of it is a break from my lads. Demanding bunch, them.

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  13. You totally crack my shit up.

    I am in my 30's, and it's just now starting to occur to me that it's not going to get any better by itself. I guess I thought I might just magically drift into being a fit & regular exerciser someday. But signs point to "no," and I don't want to be one of those old people who can't walk a block without croaking. And that's where it's headed if I don't get cracking with the exercise.

    Which all sounds so grim. But today, after reading this, I was totally motivated to dance to fast hot salsa in the kitchen. And take the stairs up to my apartment instead of the elevator.

    Because realizing that it's not getting any better spontaneously is pretty powerful. Thanks for that!

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  14. since when can't you squat and pee in the mall?

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  15. Ms. Fleur- Well, so do you, dahling!

    Elizabeth- My advice is- don't run, walk fast. It burns almost as many calories and it isn't nearly as bad for your joints. And believe me- you need to not screw up your joints.

    Nancy C- Whatever it takes.

    Amna- Don't we all just think that we'll wake up motivated and/or fit one day? Sadly, not true. Dancing is the BEST exercise.

    Juancho- I think you can in the Tallahassee Mall.

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  16. Oh, Ms. Moon, I'll be 54 next month and I am right there with you! Back and forth, off and on. And not really caring all that much anymore what it all looks like, as long as I keep it oiled and ready for use!

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  17. "Oiled and ready for use." Perfect!

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  18. oh i eat like shit and i never exercise unless you count goin on a beer run and i love it! but you can only work so long at the fucking hippie co-op before it starts to get to you. the other day i found myself thinking, "this yogurt would probably be REALLY good if i put some of that organic rainforest granola from the bulk section in it." and then grabbed a piece of bacon and i pushed an old lady over just to prove that i wasn't a tree hugger. but i think i might be starting to see what you mean. just a tiny bit. i could make a better me. or as you say at least not be the worst me.
    love,
    daddy b

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  19. also, when i first saw the big pic at the head of the blog i thought it was lloyd falls and i remembered that time we went there and thought that we should go back with the babies because they would love it. then i remembered that you told me the guy that owns it doesn't like people trespassing on his land. and i have a feeling that he's the kinda guy that has a sign up that says, "trespassers will be shot. survivors will be shot again." and well, i'm just not THAT impressed with lloyd creek falls. shit, we can take the boys to mawmaw and pawpaw's creek and (mostly) not run the risk of getting shot.
    daddy b

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  20. ha haaa!

    oh gawd yeah i know it's my future (hot flushes etc) as i creep toward 40 my mother keeps dropping hints, and I am in denial. Im only 37 for fecks sake.

    I cannot believe you gave up CHEESE.

    I'm still off the bacon, and considering dusting off the bike soon too.

    well done for the committment!! you're a strong lady!!!

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  21. Oh, very inspiring. Thanks!

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  22. E.- Well put!

    Stephanie- I agree.

    Daddy B- You never, ever cease to make me so happy! I have bacon here and I would make you a sandwich and you could push me over and I would laugh with joy! And that IS Lloyd Creek, but not the falls. And yes, we should take the boys to see the creek and Maw-Maw and Paw-Paw's and before we know it, they will be catching fish and won't that be fine?

    Screamish- I can never truly give up the pig. Cheese is easier for me than the pig.

    Jill- I'm glad you found it so.

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  23. I dig Daddy B. I don't know the motherfucker, but I surely dig him.

    And I love you, and I read this whole entire post with a smile on my lips.

    I HATE EXERCISE. I really do.

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  24. Ms. Bastard-Beloved- You may not know him but you love him since he, too, is family.

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  25. I do. I dug his comments. And besides, the world is a hard place and one can always use another Daddy, right?

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