Monday, April 12, 2010

I've Looked At Moss From Both Sides Now



Didn't go to yoga this morning. Couldn't deal. Long story.

I won't go into it here. I feel lately as if all I do is piss people off. I wish I was more like Sarcastic Bastard who just says what she wants to say, lets it rip, tears it off and throws it out to the universe.

And you know what? It's fine for me and with me too, to piss off people I don't care about. In fact, I think I take a secret delight in it. But when I start pissing off people I love and people whose respect I would strive for, it makes me feel weird and odd in the pit of my stomach. And that's when I start wondering what the hell I'm doing here in blog world. WHAT IS BLOG WORLD? Is it really a world at all? Is it just a loving sharing or is it a soap box or is it a confessional or is it a bully pulpit or is it a hey y'all! look at this! or is it a grandma photo album (or a mama photo album) or is it an exercise in complete and utter self-absorption or is it a heart flung out to the universe or is it a compulsion which cannot be denied?

Fuck if I know but I think, yes. It is all of those things. And more.

I was talking to someone the other day who told me that he's been keeping a journal regularly since 1985 and one day he's either going to burn it all up or else publish it all. He's compelled to write. I'm compelled to write too but writing in a journal for me always felt way too much like praying- a one-sided conversation at best. Now God may be there and he may not but I know that the words I wrote in my journal laid there like dead little soldiers, like spent love juices. And although it was somewhat satisfying to get the words OUT and I had to do it, I knew that for me, there needed to be at least the illusion that someone might be listening.

Then I started blogging and by golly for some bizarre and unknown reason, people were listening and they started writing back and then I wrote back to the writing back and voila! a dialogue was formed and it has become such a huge part of my life I can't even begin to fathom it and think frequently that maybe I need help in overcoming the compulsion.

Which brings me back to where I started which is that I have pissed people off and hey- I'm human. That bothers me.

But bottom line, this is like my house. If someone doesn't like what I say they can so very easily not come in the door. Period. The end. And it's spring and the light is falling through the new green so beautifully that it's just a real shame for me to waste any time pondering what I may or may not have done, what I should or should not do in regards to this or that.

Look- yes- it is spring and the air is literally perfumed with the blossoms and it's so damn beautiful it makes me want to just lay down and do nothing but worship it but spring also makes me remember all the new beginnings I've made which have not worked out, the holy promise of some which have brought me pain or discomfort or which I have just given up on. It reminds me of my failures as well as the things I have accomplished which have brought me so much joy and satisfaction. And sometimes, the failures loom larger in the mind and bring more weight to them than the joys do. It's like dull lead versus gossamer silk. You know?

Well. Such is the human mind.

Time to put on the big girl panties, time to cowgirl-up, Cupcake, time to put on some bug spray and hope to avoid the biting insects. Time to realize that you can't please everyone, you can't spend all your time looking at things from this side and that. Well, you can. But you miss a lot that way. Better I think to just notice and register, look and learn, move and get on with it and fling your heart out to the universe in the one and only way you yourself can do it.
Your own unique heart, your own unique flinging.

One day recipes, one day pictures of my grandson, one day bitching about Sarah Palin, one day shouting about the glory of the day, one day whining about the darkness of the night.

Or, that could be all ONE day, the way I over-blog but that, too, is my own way.

Bless my heart and bless my soul and bless my imperfect attempts to hand you my heart and soul.

I'll bless yours too. Let's keep looking up.

Amen.

27 comments:

  1. I'm just not going to torture myself with those blogging questions.

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  2. Oh Mama, you sound just like me sometimes. You get all fired up and speak the truth about something and then someone's feelers get hurt and you feel bad. We need to stop feeling bad! You are the sweetest woman I know! You are no more responsible for someone's sadness than you are for someone's joy. I love you.

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  3. Love you -- in the BLOG WORLD love kind of way.

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  4. It is good for the bruises on our soul to write and to have people comment and write to you about it.
    I call my commenters my groepies... Why would it not be good to have groepies?
    It must be some balm on again our bruised souls to have people like reading what we write, even if it is not all of high quality and even when sometimes it is not good content...
    It is as you say: if you don't like what you are writing or sharing, there is nobody out there putting a gun to their head and make them read...
    Keep on writing, and no, you can't please all...
    A few is enough!
    If your snappishniss gets really bad, have your tyroid checked out... Too much tyroid hormone can really mess up your plans and life and way you deal with people...

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  5. Forgot to tell you how magical that moss is...
    I saw some on a trip to Orlando, and it made a deep impression on me... How neat that you can see it all the time in your daily life! Great shots!

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  6. Yes, blogging is all that and more, and unless you write that you eat babies, I'll keep coming back to read what you have to say, and I won't be offended.

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  7. Elizabeth- And I'm done with it too.

    May- But I want to be responsible for everyone's joy! Ha! As if.
    I love you too!

    Jill- Back at you!

    Photocat- Well. I think my thyroid is fine. And I hate going to the doctor so I guess I'll just keep writing and quit worrying. I appreciate so much what you said about the pictures. Thank-you.

    Angie M- Well I WANT to eat Owen. Starting with his cheeks. And I do nibble him a lot. Luckily, he is young and his toes just regrow as fast as I can eat them.

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  8. You have a good heart and that's what matters.
    I love the way you talked yourself through this. We all have to do that. You are a sensitive soul.
    And writing the truth and from your heart and in that raw, magical way you do is bound to bring some hurt along with the delight and wonder.
    You wouldn't be as mesmerizing if you were censoring yourself.
    Keep shining and writing and being you.

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  9. Oh, I understand the pissing off part. Truly.
    But like you said, it's your space and people can come in or not.

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  10. This title cracked me the fuck up.

    Yup. I can't go back to paper either. Even if nobody and their cat are my only readers, it's not the same... as hitting PUBLISH...

    As to pissing people off, ach, that shitty bad feeling doesn't actually last that long. Wade on deeper out there, you're doing good. If they don't like it, they don't have to read.

    I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't face yoga though, that's sad :(

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  11. It is also like watching TV--they can change the channel if they want to. You just keep on doing what you do and don't change. I would miss you too much if you did!

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  12. I have a confession: I'm where I want to be, with who I want to be with, pretty much doing nothing but what I please. And it's about damned time!! I sense much of the same thing in you, and it's why I appreciate you so much...you're very, very relatable.

    About 5 years ago I had a blog and just loved crafting it first thing every morning. But as readership grew I found myself unintentionally censoring things because geeze...the world is full of strangers, some more strange than others, ya know? I'm incredibly protective of things like home and family, but you wouldn't have known it from the no-holds barred dialoguing. So I started keeping a private daily journal and find it thrilling to compare what happens today to what was going on even just a week ago! It brings a pleasure that I don't need to get paranoid about.

    What I admire so much about you is that you just put it all out there to be shared - fearlessly. Why do I need to write a blog when you're doing it for me - and better? So there you have it - a confession of laziness, lol.

    Besides, you're a great writer- and this blog thingy is good daily mental exercise until you move on to bigger things. However, if you decide tomorrow to never write another word, that's fine too. Either way, you're one of a kind and I believe in you.

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  13. I haven't felt pissed at you in the least. You are real. I like someone who says what's real and is real. And those photos you post are awesome.

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  14. Thanks for the hat tip, dear lady, but I'm glad you're not more like me. One of me is a DAMN NOUGH.

    I adore you. Keep doing what you do. The bastards can stop reading if they don't like it. This is your world, and I like your world tremendously. My life wouldn't be the same without having encountered it.

    Love,

    SB

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  15. Bethany- I should try EDITING myself. This post is a mess.

    Rachel- One would think.

    Jo- Nah. The yoga thing was completely unrelated.

    Lois- I think we're pretty much stuck with exactly who we are at this age.

    Laynie- Thank you so much.

    Syd- Well, I'm thinking about doing a post that shows all the stuff that isn't so pretty in my house and yard. Mouse shit in the drawers and so forth.

    Ms. Bastard- And I am SO glad that you encountered me because my world is that much better with you in it.

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  16. If you piss people off, you're probably doing a good job. Don't beat yourself up too much. We've all done it before.

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  17. I have said it before...I am not leaving...you are a far more open minded woman than I am...and somehow that really helps me. It does! I learn from you and believe it or not I have gained some much needed confidence in your blog. And your photos..family or flora...make me smile....

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  18. I only have time right now to say: Those photos of the moss are stunning. Your Florida is my Florida. Thank you for those awesome (and I mean that) reminders of the beauty outside my office.

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  19. That lit up moss is a direct greeting from our Star Fathers or God or the Great spirit, the forces of the universe, or whatever one chooses to call it. Beautiful capture.

    Beautiful words too. I'm not sure what a blog is exactly, but it definitely involves reaching out, or an invitation to visit. That's about as much as I can say about that.

    I'm grateful you do what you do. I hope you keep on doing it. And... you haven't pissed me off, so you have that going for ya! heheh!
    xo

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  20. You're articulated perfectly why I blog. And it's no fun to hear nasty words...regardless of how much weight you give them. Just no fun.

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  21. Do I need to kick some ass? Because....I couldn't at all. But I thought I would offer ;)

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  22. I had a situation about 2 years ago where a relative spilled her guts to me that basically the way I live my life pisses her off. She can't stand the way I parent, etc, on and on. She really laid into me. I was shocked. I had no idea she felt that way, no idea she was hiding all that hatred for years. Also, it just plain old hurts to be told in SO MANY WORDS that you suck. Normally I am a person who easily lets go of things. I can shrug and walk away. But this one holds on to me. I struggle to let it go, to not let it bother me. I still have to see her a few times a year too. Obviously she and I have a lot of different opinions, but I'm ok with differing perspectives and she isn't. That's what bothers me most. Regardless, it is helpful for me to read what you are writing about your situation. To know that it probably happens to everyone at some point. Indeed, we must keep looking up. (I think I might be underblogging a bit here.)

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  23. Relationships are the key to life. And when someone is not receptive then fuck 'em. It isn't a matter of feeling rejected or even of being angry. It is more a matter of gravitating towards what is working and leaving what doesn't work behind.

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  24. Hello Ms. Moon, you don't know me, and I don't have a blog but I make it a point to read yours every day. Don't worry about pissing people off. They don't have to read your blog. I learned a long, long time ago that you can't please everyone and make them all happy. In fact, I was just telling my daughter that the other day. Just write and do what you always do, and don't worry! I, for one, love your writing, your sense of humor, and the way you tell things like they are. It's just so refreshing to me.

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  25. It's your blog. Your life. Your voice. Say what you want in the way you want to say it.

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  26. I think this is a feminist issue. Women are trained to believe it is not all right for them to piss people off. You are much more likely to internalize it, to apologize for it. I think it's also an evolutionary issue. Men who compete successfully are more likely to pass on their genes, we tend to revel in pissing people off because it makes us feel like top dog. Women do better with consensus, and "pissing people off" reads as all wrong, internally.
    I can say such things with authority because I am a man (arrogance) but a gay man (a lot of female traits). I richochet between both, frankly.
    But I sure notice how different I am from my sisters. They are always so ready to blame themselves first.
    SB, I think, is a new species. But for all her bravado, she is very tough on herself, I fear. On herself and on strangers. With us, she's remarkably sweet.

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  27. Aunt Becky- But. Family?

    Ellen- Huge compliment. Thank-you.

    E.- It's a beautiful place to live, isn't it?

    Ms. Fleur- I hope NEVER to piss you off. That would really suck.

    Nancy C- I think the key word is "give" when it comes to how much weight we let things acquire.

    SJ- Nice to get the offer. Thank-you, dear.

    Lora- It is almost impossible for me to think that anyone could call you any mean thing at all. I believe that in some cases the person who is doing the name-calling is the one crying out in some way. And that is a sweet way for me to put it. But it helps in letting go.

    Sandra- EXACTLY!

    Sharon- Honey, that was so sweet to read. Thank-you. And thank-you for coming and reading and please do comment when you feel like it. I love comments so very much.
    We all think differently and I love getting new perspectives on what I'm thinking about.

    Jenny- It all boils down to that, doesn't it?

    Mark- I just love your mind. I know I keep saying that but I do. You cut right to the chase, the bone, the truth. And what you say about our dear Ms. Bastard is so very, very true and one of the reasons we love her so very, very much. That and her liberal use of profanity which just charms the daylights out of me. I wish she wasn't so hard on herself. Maybe someday she won't be.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.