I like to consider myself a brave woman, a tough one. Didn't I get through nursing school mainly as a single-mama? Didn't I survive childhood sexual abuse? Didn't I give birth to a ten pound, two ounce baby at home? Didn't I?Yeah. I did.
But today I realized that being brave and being tough wasn't getting me anywhere and I cut a Lexapro tablet into fourths and I took one of those fourths and I will take two of the fourths tomorrow.
Because I can't live like this.
Well. I probably could if I had to but it would be the most miserable existence imaginable to me and it would be entirely unfair to my family and to my friends.
And I'm not mad at myself or feeling silly for trying to get off the drug. It was a valiant effort, an interesting experiment and for a few weeks, it was lovely.
BUT.
I can't seem to stop crying. I could sleep twenty hours a day. I can't even make myself go to the grocery store. Okay. I CAN go and do things. I went to the pediatrician with Owen and Lily and to lunch after with them and Hank. I can go to rehearsal. But all I want to do when I'm out is to run home as quickly as possible. To hide away.
I can't hide away forever. I can't not be a part of society on some level. One cannot live on eggs and lettuce alone. Well, again, one probably could but it's nice to have a potato every now and then and ours just aren't ripe yet.
So. That is that.
I thank all of you who wrote in and told me to get back on the drug. To tell me that I needed it. Ultimately, of course, it had to be my own decision. But you all helped me make it.
And I know there are alternatives. I have tried many and none of them have done the job for me. Perhaps I should be more proactive about it but that is part of my "disease" if one can call it that- that inability to do, to try, to even pick up the phone and make an appointment.
Well. I shall try to quit talking about it all. I know that many of you have gone through the same thing and understand. It's an overwhelming and debilitating thing and it's hard not to talk about it when it is having so much influence on your life, while at the same time, it's very, very difficult TO talk about it.
I wish peace for us all. I do. And I guess that's what it all boils down to.
I am glad that you did what is right for you. It sucks to be on pills, but it sucks even more to not enjoy your life. And you have such a beautiful life, too. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI sure love you, mama.
ReplyDeleteI hope that your spirit opens like that beautiful flower in the photo. And I'm sure that it will.
ReplyDeleteI'm grateful the pills are there, and that you are loving yourself enough to recognize that they are still helping you.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes think I could live on bread and water.
ReplyDeleteWell, okay, maybe bread and iced tea.
ReplyDeleteWhen I went into my depression after Owen, I didn't talk to amy doctor about it at all for a long time, but since she is my friend, she knew. And when I finally did lose my shit with her, and went on and on and on about how I didn't want to take a drug to be happy, she said,"Why would you CHOOSE to live like this if you don't have to? Really? Isn't that a denial od our very purpose for being here?" In a nutshell, shy be miserable?
ReplyDeleteThat said, this post, and you, and my own reminders of the words I heard from my friend, I have just decided to stop trying to be tough and will talk to her about putting ME on something. Again. And you and I can be pussies in solidariy, right?
I am proud of you, Marmee.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure I want a happy pill. Something to take the edge off while we are dealing with the MRI and whatever the team of doctors come up with as a diagnosis and treatment.
ReplyDeleteCan't say anything new. The ladies before me said it all. Why do we take pills for headaches but not for bruises on our soul? While those can be so much harder to live with?
ReplyDeleteI hope you are feeling better soon! That flower is so gorgeous and so perfect for the full pink moon tonight.
ReplyDeleteP.S. My word verif is "eptests". You gotta be glad you don't have to buy those things anymore!
Angie M- Thank-you, sweetie.
ReplyDeleteDTG- I sure do love you too. Thank-you for what you said to me.
Syd- I'm hoping. I'm purely hoping.
Nancy C- One never realizes until one gets off the damn things...
Stephanie- I'd have to have some cheese in there too. Or peanut butter.
Kori- I don't even think we're looking for happiness. Just not nightmare. And neither you nor I are pussies, dear. Although perhaps pussy is like pansy- both incredibly amazing and strong and wrongly viewed as weak.
May- And I am always proud of you. I love you SO much.
Rebecca- I'll bet you could get a script for a bit of Atavan or something. I would ask.
Photocat- Well. Sometimes we do.
Michele R- Now that's the darn truth!
Ms. Moon, as long as you don't have to feel like THAT. It's just too awful. I just had only a day and a half again, and that's enough to remember. Maybe that's the problem - we go off drugs or therapy or mindfulness because we can't remember how awful it was before. And then we feel it again, and we know. I'm glad you're joining us in the light again.
ReplyDeleteI love you, up or down, though.
Mwa said it perfectly. I'm glad you've made your choice and hope you feel better right away! When I've gone through similar times, I felt better within 24 hours.
ReplyDeleteValiant effort indeed, and wise choice.
ReplyDeleteMuch much love to you darlin. Hang in and let those tiny miracles do their job...
ReplyDeleteSee you next week.
xoxox pf
Oh, PS SAL is ME, PF... I'm at my bros house! funny me!
ReplyDeleteI hope this will ease you back to yourself. Without "muh pills" I would still be alone in a dark room - physically and emotionally. It's so nice to begin at the starting line with the rest of the world.
ReplyDeleteMwa- Yep. What a human thing it is to have to do something to be reminded of how awful that thing is. Or can be. And how human it is to sweetly hope that results will be different.
ReplyDeleteE- Sometimes the relief of possible hope is relief.
Bethany- Thank you, dear girl.
Ms. Fleur- Got your message.
Thanks- and vaya con dios.
Lisa- That is it. Exactly. I just want to be able to FIND the damn starting line.
ReplyDeleteTo enjoy everyday, live everyday with a light in your eye is a wish for you. True we may have off days but sometimes when those days take over you have to try something ...do something...accept a different possibility to get there.
ReplyDeleteHere is hoping for sunnier days for you....dry the tear filled eyes...breathe in life....
You are wise. And we all love you, no matter. I'm glad that you feel better.
ReplyDeleteOh Ms. Moon, you're making my eyes water. I FEEL what you're saying. I'm glad for you that you decided to move forward and knew that if that meant taking that pill then so be it. It was most definately your decision to make, but there is no shame in what you decided.
ReplyDeleteYou just gone a virtual hug from me.
Hope things start to even out for you soon.
Yes, what they all said. Know that we love you, up or down or in that nether land in between. You are a sensitive soul, Mary Moon, and this is a hard world for all of us sensitive souls to live in. Sending you love, hugs and kisses...x0 N2
ReplyDeleteDear Ms Moon, I'm new here, been lurking around in the background, looking at your dailies and your archives, and wanted to say, I've only been doing that because you are one helluva woman! You say the most amazing things that have really hit my heart and helped me, so thank you for that, just you being you.
ReplyDeleteWanted to say that I wish you all the very best with the anti depressants, I hope they bring back the ability to be happy for you because you deserve it.
I feel like you've helped me without knowing it, so just wanted to say something positive to you in the hope that it might help you back....loves and internet hugs to you....donna (far away in perth, western australia)
feel better soon
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you made this decision.
ReplyDeleteLove you.
Going through exactly the same thing, can't figure out what life is better, on Paxil or off. Anxious, crying non-stop over everything and nothing at all or numb to nothing and everything. So yesterday I cut a pill in half and swallowed it with a lump in my throat the size of the state I live in. I hate this affliction for the pain it has caused but on the other hand I'm in love with the artist that is hidden inside which only comes out through emotion or melancholia. Vicious cycle, we continue on...
ReplyDeleteI'd hug you good and tight. If I could.
ReplyDelete