Friday, April 16, 2010

Old And In The Way


I have been wondering where my firebrand self has gone lately. I used to be one, you know. Sort of. I was never a big marcher or protester or demonstrator and god knows I never ran for office or did anything like that. You know- stuff that would actually require effort.
But I saw myself as a bit of a firebrand. I spoke out when I saw injustice. I ranted. I raved. Oh, I suppose I still do sometimes but not as much as I used to. And in wondering about this it has occurred to me that hell, I am at a stage in life where I realize I can't do shit about squat.

Okay. Sure. I could. That's the line, anyway. Anyone can accomplish anything. Rosa Parks refused to move to the back of the bus and everything changed.
Well, the truth of the matter is that the times had been set for change and the moment was just trembling in wait for Ms. Parks, tired from work, to not do what the white bus driver said and kept her exhausted ass where it was and boom! the fuse which was on top of the stick of dynamite which had been created by the work and pain and suffering and dreams of thousands of people who were sick and tired of the injustice going on in this country was lit and there you go.

Her arrest was just the cherry on top of the cowgirl as Tom Robbins might say. And what a cherry it was!

But me- I'm not going to be anyone's match for a waiting fuse. I am not going to be one of the ones to make the dynamite, either. It is not going to happen any more than it is going to happen that I will be chosen as Miss America or win an Academy Award or have BB King over for dinner (which, by the way, is a total dream of mine).

Nope. I'm old. I'm tired. And maybe I'm feeling a bit, well, not complacent, but at least somewhat reassured that the country is in the hands of the Forces For Good, despite the vigorous and poorly spelled protestations of the Forces For Evil. President Obama is calmly and quietly and persistently making good on what he promised when he was elected, which is change, y'all, and whether we are talking health care or ensuring gay rights, I think he's chipping away at some mighty big stuff and revealing the truths within and getting the job done as best as anyone could under the circumstances.

I am loving our president. I have faith in him.

So maybe that's it. I don't know.

But it seems to me these days that the things I actually have control over are pretty small.
How can I believe that I can do anything positive on the national level when I can't even control my bladder at all times? (And this brings to mind something Billy said two weeks ago when we were both holding sleeping babies and watching Wife Swap and there was a commercial on for something to help with this very problem and Billy said, "I do not want to hear about the problems people have with their junk," and I think he has a valid point and so I will not say any more about that except for this- just you wait, babies- aging has some surprises in store for you and they are not all delightful.)

The list of things I cannot control goes on for days, starting with the National Budget and ending with my weight. Ya know? I can't control my rooster, I can't control my children (nor would I want to, but that's another post), I can't control my emotions or the tides or the fashion trends or what you think about me. I can't control my husband's need to plant the garden in perfect rows. I can't control the weeds in my garden. I can't control my dogs or Walmart's world-wide domination or the damn pope, much less the Catholic Church (and that probably WILL be another post) and I can't even control society's need for me to wear a bra so that my breasts will point in the right direction and be placed on my chest where society thinks they SHOULD be.

No. I cannot. I give up.

Here's what I can do:
I can go out and sweep the damn street clean where someone (whom I had no control over) smashed a vodka bottle last night, startling me and the dogs with its somehow very satisfying splintery burst as it hit the pavement.
I can try my best to control what goes in Owen's mouth when he is here and I can keep him dry and fed and happy. Usually. Unless he is teething and I have no control over that.
I can decide what will be served for dinner here at my own house.
I can decide whether or not my clothes will be dried on the line or in the dryer. If the weather is good enough to give me that choice and guess what? I can't control the weather.
I can control what I decide to read or not read. I can control what I decide to write or not write. I can control what I plant in my yard but not, obviously, my garden.

But I can barely control what comes out of my mouth OR goes into it. I don't even pretend to control the mold in my hallway. And the day I learn to control my fears and anxieties will probably be the day I die. Maybe.

So how can I feel that I can do anything about The Big Things? I just don't any more.

Life has just been too full of examples of how things can change completely and utterly in the amount of time it takes a bullet to hit a body and how little control we have over such events. Tragedy strikes like a cobra in the night when you are least expecting it.
So does joy.

It all just seems so random to me these days and I've given up having any belief I can do anything to steer any of it. And perhaps I am just rationalizing my laziness. This could quite possibly be true. Or perhaps I am not as lazy as I am just tired. Let someone else point out the disparities and injustices. Let someone else do something about it. Someone younger, someone with more energy, someone who doesn't like to sleep as much as I do.

Meanwhile, I'll try and not give up completely on changing what I can change which would mostly be myself and this tiny piece of the world I inhabit. I can't change the carbon footprint of the food I buy at the grocery store but I can grow some of my own food. I can't change how Tyson treats its chickens but I can treat my chickens very well. I can't tell the Tea Partiers to fuck off and get a life but I can, well, what can I do about that situation?

Not much.

And really- why in the world would I ever think that the changes I would make if I were Queen and Royal Dominant Person Of The Universe would be any better than any of the things anyone else is doing? I have no magical powers. And some things not only cannot be controlled, they should not be.

Take my Ashe Magnolia for example. Sure, I chose to plant it in my yard, but now my only goal in life for it is to keep it alive and pay the attention to it it deserves. How could I notice how quickly it opens, how beautiful its blossom, how intoxicating its fragrance if I was off demonstrating down at the capitol?
Last night it looked like this:

This morning it looks like this:

Now you tell me- would it be right to ignore that?

Okay. I'm rationalizing. And I'm sure I'll be ranting and raving again one of these days when something happens that really pisses me off and I feel the need to tell the world about it.

But for now, I just want to take care of what I've got, which on the one hand seems tiny and insignificant and on the other hand seems far more than I can handle.

I am not the president or the pope or the queen or even Miss Joanne down at the Post Office. I am just me, Mary Moon, wife, mother, grandmother, gardener, amateur writer, supper-maker and laundry-doer.
I am not Rosa Parks.
I am just an aging woman whose junk is not worth talking about. A woman who thinks too much and doesn't DO enough.

A woman who is perhaps a bit too complacent.
And who, on the whole, is perfectly content to be that way.

23 comments:

  1. Well, you struck a big nerve with me, because the last decade has done the same thing to me, and I agree with everything - everything! you just wrote and I'm pondering it all a bit lately. I am done with the what can I do angst. I am not Oprah, but I am me and do what I can do. And lately, I'm so tired of swimming, I'm just floating for a while. But somedays when I'm agitated or optimistic, I wonder about the collective power of all us out here in bloggyland, I wonder if we could make things happen the way we think they should if we combined all our superpowers. But most days, like you, I'm tired and I just do what I can do. Thank goodness I'm never too tired to stop by and read you, and be better for it. Have a good day, and thanks for the lovely photo. How wonderful does it smell?

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  2. Ms. Moon, you are perfect the way you are. Your post touched me and made me laugh out loud. I hope you don't mind if I post a link to your blog on my facebook account. Would you like that? I have many friends who are like us, in their 50's, wishing things were different, accepting that they aren't. Your writing just touches my heart so completely.

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  3. Mel- You too? Maybe the hot flashes just enervate us. First it's the babies and nursing and child care and then, (don't take a breath!) it's the damn hot flashes.
    I can't even TELL you how good that magnolia smells.

    E- Totally. Link away. I'd love it.

    Jeannie- So it's not just me, huh?

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  4. To be content is such a rare thing, Ms. Moon. I find it beautiful. It says so much about you. About the sense of self you have, and your ongoing optimism.
    And I LOVE our President. He is delivering on the change he promised.

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  5. I am pretty sure that all fiftysomethings are tired. Too realistic not too be...
    I have made it my daily goal to make one person smile a day. It's amazing how easy that is, and how often it is NOT done when possible...
    I too feel that there is so little that we can actually control, and it seems that more and more factors are taking away from the bit of control we have...
    Do we all have a group depression? Or is it inherent to life and getting older?
    Here in UK we lust for sun, we need sun... I take it that when the sun is out, our thoughts will be a bit more cheery...
    Again good writing Ms Moon... When can we buy your book?

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  6. Well, you CAN do you pelvic floor excercises. Believe me, I know all about those particuar junk-problems.

    And my homoeopath had a patient in her 70's who was about to have an operative for this very problem and she did her pelvic excercises like a thousand times a day for a week, and when she went for her pre op assessment she didn't need it any more...

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  7. I have to disagree with you about whether we should talk about bladder control. That is one of those things that each of us may end up saying, "Why didn't anyone tell me that? Am I alone in this?"

    I for one, dribble when I sneeze. And I am only 32. TMI?

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  8. All any ONE of us can do is take care of what we got-but in my opinion, we spend too much time worrying about what we don't have, what is lacking, what other people have that we want (and I am talking about the big things, not the little ones), and we neglect that which means the most and WILL make the biggest difference. You don't neglect those things, therefore you are mostly content.


    Small minded opinion, perhaps, but if you stop and think about it, doesn't it really open up a whole new world? For me it does.

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  9. I like what's captured in the Serenity Prayer: Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen to that.

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  10. I think, perhaps, that your telling, this telling, is a telling. You are more powerful than you might think.

    So there.

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  11. I try to remember that I have a radius of control, and that is all I can worry about.

    It helped me when I was teaching, and I hated the policies and the district and all the bullshit. But, I could close the door of my classroom and teach and love on those kids.

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  12. You do more than your fair share of lots of things and help people and plant seeds that grow not only in the ground, but in people's minds and hearts.

    Go easy on you, be happy and have a purdy weekend.
    xo

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  13. It's hard to talk or write coherently about the Big Things...but like Obama maybe the best way is to chip chip chip away at the small things...from little things big things grow, as they say

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  14. isn't the old line "think globally and act locally"?

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  15. If that magnolia is not lovely, then I don't know what is. Wowsa.

    This post is from the woman who told that rascist motherfucker at the dump off. I don't know how complacent you are Mary Moon.

    Laugh.

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  16. I think you must have read my mind because I totally agree with everything you said, especially about our President. I was also just a little bit encouraged yesterday when our governor actually did the right thing for once, even if he did just do it for political reasons.

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  17. I so completely want every single plant in the magnolia family to be planted in my yard. Too bad the internet doesn't have smell-o-click or that iPhone doesn't have a scratch and sniff app.

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  18. Although it detracts a bit from the myth, Rosa Parks did not board that bus at random and act on a moment of conviction. She was an organizer and a firebrand, quietly involved in the planning of many actions. She got on that bus knowing it was likely to be her day, and knowing what she would choose to do. She set the fools up.

    The lesson? I don't know. Timing counts? Watch out for the quiet ones?

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  19. I have to believe all the thinking is because of what I am calling the "too much thinking 50's". Seriously ever since I turned 50 I can't stop thinking over everything! I reflect all my life, today and even sometimes the beyond which I quickly squash from my mind because that freaks me out. My plate is full on thoughts if you catch my drift from my blogs...I mean this thinking is what got me writing! I am soooooo happy to have a place to think outloud!...it just is written down versus spoken. I think we are suppose to do this...you just keep on thinking and wondering ...on whatever..just know that there is someone else out there with wild thoughts too...just different but still out there...

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  20. Angie M- Am I content or do I realize the vast richness of what I have and am brought to my knees by it? Is there a difference? Sometimes no. Sometimes yes. And I don't think we know the half of what Obama is doing, planning to do, which will make everyone's life better.
    I believe that.

    Photocat- Oh honey. I think our rough edges have been worn off, to say the least. The rough edges that caught on the things that used to piss us off and make us want to march for justice. I hope you get sun soon and as to buying my book- just get this for free because that's all that's on the horizon.

    Jo- I am trying to remember to do that. Thanks for the reminder. Keegling away as I write this which is way too much information but I have my doubts as to anyone coming back to read these comments-on-comments anyway.

    Stephanie- Absolutely not too much information. We share it- all of us- this malfunctioning junk stuff. Dammit.

    Kori- I think we are right. If, in fact, everyone took care of what was theirs to take care of, there would not be the Big Problems.

    Syd- So simple. So hard. And what a wonderful prayer.

    Elizabeth- I am very emotional today and that made me cry.

    Nancy C- Exactly. I know exactly what you're talking about.

    Ms. Fleur- You do too. Thank-you.

    Screamish- Can you imagine what it takes to think that you CAN make the big changes? I cannot.

    Gamzoo- Thank you for stopping by and commenting and yes, that is the old saying and it's a good one.

    Ms. Bastard- Oh yes. There was THAT. But that was Julia Sugarbaker. Easy-peasy.
    Thank-you for praising my magnolia. It is so very beautiful.

    Lois- I agree. He did cowboy up, didn't he? Bless his gay, preternaturally tanned heart.

    Rebecca- I was wishing the same thing!

    Juancho- And I believe you because you are one of the smartest, most honest men I know.
    And yes, I think that we should always be watchful of the quiet ones. We never know what they have in their pocket.

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  21. Ellen- Darling. You have a LOT to think about.

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  22. Ms. Moon, I love your posts..and I too, give up trying to do anything but trying...the simple things that make me smile are what I concentrate now- a good beer, my wife, the petals on the tulip tree falling, defeating any attempt to mow or rake them until they are done-they know their time, and I will wait until they tell me they are ready to be taken up..life is short, just enjoy what you can while you can.. :)

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