Saturday, January 2, 2010

Just This


It's cold here today. Now when I say cold, I'm not even going to mention a temperature because it doesn't sound that impressive but let me say that people visiting here from "Up North" where the temperatures are impressive say that this cold is different.

I don't know. Why do we always need to be the best, the worst, the coldest, the hottest, the strongest, the sweetest, the oddest, the quirkiest, the funkiest, the craziest, the sanest?
Why do we need, this time of year to make lists of the best, the worst? Movies, TV shows, books, political moments?

I don't know.

Join my tribe. Or, alternatively, you don't look like me, act like me, think like me so get away and stay away. You are NOT my tribe and I don't recognize you.

Humans are weird but not quite as much if you know anything about the great apes or even chickens or ants, for that matter. We are all, and you can damn well take my word for this, animals. We may be able to invent and operate iPhones and genetically alter plants but plants have been doing a good job of genetically altering themselves for eons, thank-you very much. They don't need an app for that. We humans like to think we are all that but when you think about it, we're just walking-around-life with swollen brains and swollen egos and souls that can hate, that can love, that can come up with stories and music and poetry and paintings and for this we are different, but at the very bottom of it all, we are here trying to hold on to life, to make more of us, to keep our young safe and fed and warm.

***********

It's been so long since I started this post that I've forgotten where I was going with it. I should just toss it. There's nothing here I haven't said before. Probably repeatedly.
I guess what I wanted to say is that none of us is the best. None of us is the worst. We try to hold ourselves up to impossible standards. I am never going to be either Garrison Keillor or Susan Sarandon (WHY did she and Tim Robbins break-up? WHY?) and neither are you. We are not going to be Stephen Hawking or Richard Dawkins, thank-you, Jesus. We are not despots or saints. We are imperfect and we are glorious just as we are in that imperfection. I do not recommend that we wallow in our imperfections and call them glorious perfections of ourselves but I also do not recommend that we wallow in our self-conceived sins and self-hatred.
In fact, I think I would do far better for myself, my world, and my family if I could get out of that fiery, messy pit of self-hatred and find some rhinestone rose-colored glasses to view myself in a bit more often.

And you?

Okay. This writing is muddy and far from pristine. Don't go looking through the depths for pure glowing jewels of meaning. There aren't any.

But look- that camellia? I grew that. Or, to put it another way- I bought a plant, I planted it in my yard. I kept it alive. It rewarded me this morning, this cold winter morning, with that jewel of a flower. If there is anything I am slightly good at, it is merely keeping things alive that eventually reward me royally. Kids, plants, chickens.
Bread dough.
You know.

Not a gift in any way or a talent, either. Just life. I'm just a woman. I struggle every day of my life with wondering why I'm still here. I talk out loud about that struggle. I celebrate the moments when I know why I'm still here. I despair in the moments when I forget the reasons.

That's me. Are you in my tribe? Am I in yours? We don't wear certain colored hats and we don't have team colors so we must recognize each other in more subtle ways. We celebrate and despair together.

I'm struggling today. The camellia gives me at least something to pause and wonder at, to give me the least feeling that yes, I have done something. I kept that plant alive. I don't need rose-colored glasses to see that pink glory in that.

And now I'll go make soup.

The Church of the Batshit Crazy is in session. 2010 and we're still worshipping and we're still swaying in tears.

Same as it ever was. Dinner on the grounds. The music is good. The flowers are not on the altar, they're in the yard. So are the chickens. So are the greens and Mr. Moon and Jessie have just gone out to pick some to put in the soup. Greens, not chickens.

One day at a time. One moment at a time. Let us try to remember that. Neither the worst or the best. Just...this.

Good enough.
Close enough to heaven to glimpse the light, far enough away to make the journey interesting and daunting.

One step at a time. One breath at a time. Don't borrow trouble, the sky is not falling, we cannot know what tomorrow brings.

Rubies and tears, joys and fears.

We are the tribe of people who understand that.
Peace unto you as you work through all of that for yourself, as you share it with your tribe.

That's all. Just that. Just this.

13 comments:

  1. Just this, just this...and all the sane wisdom unlike the pre-fabricated one that spills like oil in the clean rivers that are our minds. Yes we are. Filled with unanswered questions that refuse to go away, like a bad storm that lurks way up above and yet...just this...a hand that pulls you in, brings you closer, gives you a hug and you feel it, because all the distance in this world could not be enough to keep us apart. Of all the blessings I know and of those I am blind to, Reverend Miss Moon you are one of the most treasured here, in this heart that grows roses instead of camellias because roses grow here, that's all.

    Good way to start the year, and no I am not afraid of complaining. But that is not how it feels. It is showing the many shades of hell that stops me from sharing the journey. I don't want to enlighten some at the expense of others. We shall see...said the blind woman.

    I love you, I truly do and later I will send you a note about that other subject.

    word verification:bacuse

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think this was a perfect New Year post. Everything, all things, a buncha things, and you. I love you, Mama, Happy New Year!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think I'm in your tribe and I know I love being in it even when I feel like shit. Whenever I face the grotesque OR the perfect, I think "it's a big world" and "nothing stays the same."

    I love you and each and every thing you write and express.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm glad church is in session today.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you.
    I like going to church again, with you and everyone here.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You know I'm in your church. And I knew it from the moment I read your first post. I have no idea how I even found you. But it was instant recognition.

    Thank you, Rev. Moon. p.s. Adore the blue glass!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Allegra- Bacuse you are so precious and bacuse you are so dear, I love to find what you've written, every time you're here. Your heart is pure and lovely, your soul is a free, clear flowing spring and I love to read what you've brought me, I love whatever you bring.

    May- I love you and Happy New Year to you, too, my darling girl!

    Elizabeth- Yes. I believe we have found each other and out tribe somehow here. It keeps me going. It brings me joy. Thank-you.
    I love you, too.

    Jo- Church is always in session here. You know it.

    Bethany- We're a varied and interesting group, aren't we? What would we do witout each other?
    How is Casey?

    Glimmer- I am so glad you found me too. I think there is a bit of magic in this blog world we travel around in. I'm glad you like the glass.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Must be the dark days.

    We are definitely of the same tribe

    ReplyDelete
  9. Yep.... I am a new member of your tribe..... Your words today... beautiful..... You were able to express what I am feeling but am way to tangled up in the "shoulds"
    for the new year.... You are truly a kindred spirit....Enjoy the soup and stay warm!

    ReplyDelete
  10. It's 18F here and windy which brings the windchill to somewhere near zero or something of that nature. I'm a big sissy when it comes to cold weather. I've been cocooned in my electric blanket most of the day.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Susan and Tim broke up? WHEN??? Who approved this?? I didn't get the memo! Dammit!

    I hope you feel better love,
    Call me!!
    xo pf

    ReplyDelete
  12. Michelle- Oh yes. Definitely.

    Lisa- I'm glad you're here. "Shoulds." I have been fighting them for many years. They're tough.

    Rebecca- It's supposed to get down to 18 degrees here on Monday night. I am NOT looking forward to that.

    Ms. Fleur- I know! They didn't consult me at all. I'll call you tomorrow. Love you, dear.

    ReplyDelete

Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.