Monday, August 4, 2008

Neither Cosmic Nor Profound, But What I Know Right Now

Some things I have realized in the past few weeks:

Finding myself in a place of uncontrollable anxiety and depression has been completely shocking. Realizing that there was nothing I could do on my own to create relief was terrifying.

Experiencing a situation like this makes me so much more compassionate for the suffering of others. I am finding it much harder to judge others whom I may have been more apt to judge just a month ago.

The body and the mind are not two separate things. At all. Working on healing the mind helps the body and working on healing and strengthening the body helps heal and strengthen the mind. Yoga today was hard for me but it felt exactly right. I was shaky, but I felt strong, too, and that was reassuring.

Human touch is a powerful tool for healing. Just having my husband near enough to reach and touch recently has been an amazing relief for me. I find myself reaching out and hugging people whom I might not normally hug and I really believe that there is something inside me that knows this is a healing act. And some people are very, very fine huggers.

Finding myself in a place that I would normally think of as very weak has shown me the strength that it requires to ask for help for myself. Far more strength than it takes to offer help. And that in asking and in receiving, there can be great comfort.

Just as it is very difficult to ask for help, it can be very difficult for some us (the caretakers) to take care of ourselves. Taking care of ourselves can mean many things. It can mean eating the food we need, getting the exercise we need, getting the rest we need, and saying "no" to things we know will only be stressful for us and "yes" to things that we know will be restorative. It means being patient with ourselves and non-judgemental.

I believe that I will be a better person, a better wife, a better mother for having gone through all of this. And I am not a person who believes that there is good to be found in everything or that every cloud has its silver lining. BUT, I will at least know more about myself and be more patient and more caring towards myself and others.

I am grateful beyond belief for my family. My husband has shown his love for me in such profound and tangible ways in the last weeks that I only know I love him more than ever. And my children have been there for me in every way.

And really, that's what I've learned. Hard lessons. Hard, hard lessons. But I guess sometimes that's what it takes.

And one more- it helps ME to share. Being able to write these posts and hear words of encouragement and "I have been there and gotten better and you will too" has given me comfort when comfort was the only thing I could hope for.


  1. AMEN honey AMEN (and hear I start to hear amazing grace in my head, and could just cry- again!)

  2. Oh, Quiet Girl. Thank-you. I keep thinking I should find your mother and see if she could help me. I am keeping that option in my back pocket.

  3. Oh, it gets so much easier. Been there, done that, probably going to go back once the wee one is here. And while I was ashamed at first that I couldn't handle something, I am no longer even remotely ashamed. I needed help, I got help. So did you.

  4. Oh, Aunt Becky- I have no shame whatsoever. None. I think "astounded" perhaps, but not ashamed. I did not ask for this.

  5. It's good you realize that it's strength that caused you to ask for help, not weakness. I agree with you on the body/mind subject, as well as human touch being so important. I'm glad for you that you have good huggers and supportive people around you. :)

  6. I am amazed at how well you are handling this. You are stronger than I will ever be.

  7. Uh-huh, Brother. Just barely scraping through, doing what I should have done a month ago. Or more. But thank-you.


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