Wednesday, August 13, 2008

And So It Goes

I've been slightly silent for awhile on the subject how I'm doing because I can't imagine that it's not the most boring subject in the world and frankly, I myself am bored senseless by myself.
But somehow it seems important to tell the truth and the truth is, I'm still not doing great. I've been on this medication for a dozen days, which isn't long enough, really, I know, for it to have kicked in.
On the up-side, I'm not walking around in a state of panic anymore, which is wonderful, phenomenal, and amazing. For that, I am grateful beyond all measure. I am still what I would call anxious, but it's far from panic. I can, in short, live with it. The panic I was feeling two weeks ago was so intense that when I think back on it, I know in a small way what post-traumatic stress feels like. It was really bad.
And now? Well, it's more like despair but with an edgy bite. It's an active depression, almost. It's hard to put into words how I feel. There is still not a lot of pleasure and almost everything I think of doing now or in the future seems futile. I can't seem to write on my fiction because that seems to be just a complete exercise in futility. I just looked up the word "futile" in the thesaurus because I hate to use the same word twice in a paragraph but no other word listed as a synonym seemed to fit. Futile is futile. I feel futile.
I believe I need to get out more. I need to find something to direct my energy towards. The problem is, nothing I can think of is anything I'd want to do. I realize this is part of the whole depression thing. Everything seems overwhelming, from trying to figure out what to cook for dinner to getting out in the garden and clearing out the dead stuff.
Being with friends and family is also something I need to do more of, but that, too, can be hard. I find myself crawling into my own mind during conversation and I become quiet. It is not unpleasant to be in these situations- it is almost soothing to hear others talk, but I just don't feel engaged at all.
Interestingly enough, I ran into my old therapist on Sunday. She's no longer doing traditional therapy, but is doing a more new-age thing with chakra workshops and I don't know what all and perhaps I should try some of that. Who knows? Again, everything seems ridiculous to me and I seem to just be floating in a sort of gray mist that makes decisions impossible, makes any path look as good (or bad) as any other.
I continue to exercise and have discovered that not-exercising is not an option for me. My body can't hold the stress without it.
And that's me.
I am not in complete despair. I know, logically, that I will feel hope and pleasure and even joy again. I know that.
And I remain grateful for that knowledge, for the support of my family and friends and for this outlet for my words.
I'm going to figure this thing out because really, I have no choice. This is not quite living that I'm doing. It's existing and given the circumstances of my life, merely existing is an affront to life.
That's how I see it.


  1. I know the puzzle of is this a chemical thing or am I not living my life right. It's not just a matter of "happiness," but the detachment that's so bad. Did you see the movie Lars and the Real Girl? Exactly WHERE is there a supportive community like he had? That is what blew my mind about that movie -- NOT Lars's weirdness, but the incredible support for him. You do have a lot more family and friends around you than I have, but it really might take a we're your village.
    Huge hug!

  2. Lopo- only you know how much help you've given me. Thank-you.

  3. You're beyond welcome! (You changed your photo to the one I lighted up for you! :))

  4. Oops. The word is "lightened." Duh. Typo, honest! I know better. ;)

  5. I've wondered how you've been. You know, while reading this, I could see that even with the way you're feeling, you are looking to see some positives. Maybe the chakra workshop would be a nice thing to try?

    You are so honest, Ms. Moon, and that's a beautiful attribute you have.

    I liked your short entry before this one about the birds nests too. My first thought was that I wonder if they would get confused if you changed shampoos? :)Probably not though.

  6. I keep thinking about the song
    "don't give up" by Peter Gabrial with Kate Bush.
    I know you will feel better but that never helps with the "now". It's never helped me anyway.
    Know that we are all here and that it's okay for you to not feel great all the time. We still dig where you are coming from Sister Moon.

  7. I also find exercise a way to "exorcise" my demons and doubts. Healthy body healthy spirit. Hang in have a kind soul.

  8. Ms. Moon,
    All i can offer you is the knowledge that there are many people out there who care about you and how you are doing. Which may seem weird, but it is still the truth. It may take awhile and a few trials of different meds. But the alternative is to live every day unhappy, and that is not really an alternative, is it?
    If your MD seems too impersonal, I highly suggest a couselor who can monitor your reactions and help you make some changes. Sometimes, the med clears our system enough to see clearly things we just couldn't see before and gets us moving in a better direction.(but sometimes, the wrong meds just murk up the waters too much).
    A long comment--sorry-- but I do care, and want to see you better.
    Peace to you.

  9. I so understand...needing to do something to make yourself feel better but not feeling like you want to do anything because, hey, what's the point?

    It's a bad cycle...

    Have you read "The Secret Life of Bees?" I just finished it and I swear it changed my life.

  10. Oh yes, I remember this well. It's a truly terrible feeling. I promise that one day you will wake up and begin to see the sun poking through the grey sky.

  11. I'll take 'anxious' over 'panic' any day! You're making progress - it's just not going as fast as you want it to. Give the medicine some more time. Some new-age or old-age therapy might help. I never heard the one about throwing the hair from your hair brush outside for the birds to use. I'll try to remember to do that from now on.

  12. Dear All- Thank-you. I know I am better and I am being patient. There is a huge contrast between how I feel now and how I felt two weeks ago. HUGE.
    And every one of you, every word you write, is in my heart, which is slowly filling again.

  13. Hey Mrs Moon.

    Mr P knows where you are right now...Been there and done it.

    Hard to believe it - but it will pass...the sun will shine through as the clouds eventually part.

    Perhaps you're getting too much sun. Come over here for a while - it's been rain, rain, rain and wind for bleedin' well ages.

    Global warming my arse.

  14. Oh, Mr. P. We're finally getting rain here, too. I still say you should pack up the wife and kiddies and strong Euro and come to Florida.

  15. Sending love your way, Ms Moon. I've been out of touch, sorry to have missed this transition, sounds like you are in a serious low. Hang in there my wonderful friend. Keep breathing. You are surround in love.


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