Friday, June 24, 2022

We All Weep

No. 
Why did I not really believe this would happen? 
I feel exactly like I felt the day after the 2016 presidential election. Sick. Complete disbelief, horror, burning rage, grief and fear. No. Not fear. Terror.  
And I knew, I knew, that the unthinkable and ungodly election result would lead straight to what has happened in this country today. 
And it's not over by any means. And when I say "it" I mean the horror that will surely follow in the areas of birth control, civil rights, marriage equality, LGBTQIA rights. 
Clarance Thomas, the man whose wife was huge in the "stop the steal" movement, has already let us know that all of these things are on the agenda to reconsider. 

I could sit here and write fifty pages, easy, of why today's supreme court decision is so remarkably insane and cruel and dangerous but what good would that do? There's nothing I can say that hasn't been said before. There's no argument I could make that would change anyone's mind because at this point, anyone who supports the court's decision is not a rational person, just as anyone who still supports Trump is not a rational person, and logic and reason are useless in the face of ignorant, elevated emotion. 

Yeah. I just can't. There's so much going on in my head right now, so much going on in my heart and my gut that I can't put a proper paragraph together. I realize that I am not being rational because all I want to do is scream and weep and gasp in sheer disbelief that once again, the patriarchy, the big Christian, White, Straight Man patriarchy has put it's foot down right upon the neck of anyone they don't want to have power. Or even a shadow of equality. 

I had Owen and Gibson and Maggie over today. I read the news about the decision while we were playing Go Fish. I am sure they wonder why their grandmother suddenly got so quiet. All I could think about was how this was going to affect them and their lives. Not just Magnolia's because she has a uterus, but the boys too, because the day may come when they inadvertently get someone pregnant and know that it's not the right time to bring a child into the world and yet, be forced by law not to allow that clump of cells into becoming a baby. 

I did not discuss the issue with the children. I feel that I could discuss it with Owen because he is old enough now to consider these things. I will let their mother determine how and when to explain. Their mother who is in a loving, caring, domestic relationship with another woman and that is yet another way today's decision is probably going to affect them. 

It has been hotter today than yesterday. At least it's felt that way as the humidity has been higher. Right now it is thundering to the southwest of us and the sky is dark and the air smells sharply of ozone and it has cooled some and with all of my heart I am hoping for rain but let me tell you something- hoping does nothing to affect what is or what will be. Prayers are NOT answered. God is not watching us. His eye is neither on the sparrow or the child who was impregnated by her uncle, her brother, her step-father, her father. 
We are in charge. We are in charge of helping each other, of protecting our young, of tending our planet, of caring and being tender, of trying to understand those with whom we do not share tribe or experience. Of extending grace to those in need of all kinds. 

I remember a few days after Trump had been elected and I will not lie to you- I was having thoughts that were not healthy. I remember quite clearly telling my husband that I was so glad that my friends Kathleen, and Sue and Lynn were not here to have to suffer through this sort of despair. 
"Are you wishing that you weren't here?" he asked me, quietly, seriously, concerned. 
"No, no," I hurried to reassure him. But I had to make a conscious decision then and there to make that not be a lie. 
There is no doubt that we are all vulnerable right now. Many of us in this blog community have been fighting this fight and these fights for over half a century. We are weary. We are in despair. And I am not going to tell anyone to shrug that off and immediately rise up and begin fighting again. We have to take care of ourselves and do whatever we can to lend our voices to what must now happen. 
Again. 

I love you all. I hold all of your hands, gathering and giving comfort and strength. 

Mary


45 comments:

  1. Heartsick is about all I can manage. The slide has started and many more atrocities are coming.

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  2. Oh Mary, I am left gasping, feeling as if there is not enough air in the room. I am 66 years old and I'm in such a pit of despair. I was just telling someone today that my Mom and my sister at different times for differents reasons were signed into psychiatric hospitals by my dad and my BIL. Yes they needed help but even as a child I knew this was wrong that they didn't have the right to fight them---and the fact that my mom needed an emergency hysterectomy when I was about 8---the doctor wouldn't perform life saving surgery on my mom until my dad gave his written consent. I simply cannot even.........there is so much more that is being put on the table now by this and mark my words, if they can take the right for women to vote away again, they will.

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    1. Not to mention all of the other rights they are getting ready to overturn as soon as the opportunity presents itself that you named above.

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    2. Angie- the honest to god truth is that once again, women have been told we are chattel to do with what our male mates or relatives say must be done or not done. To my way of thinking, there is no other way to look at it. And now that they have reiterated their power over women, they will surely go on to all of the other marginalized groups they do not deem as equal.

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    3. I agree---and it just crushes my soul.

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  3. Like you, I think I didn't expect this day to really come. I'm caught somewhere between despair, fury, and terror. Nothing could be more sacred than the human rights for women to have autonomy over our own bodies! It's like watching the Taliban take over.

    This won't end with Roe, either.

    It's a sickening a punch to the gut, exactly like November 2016. I can barely function tonight and I came here for the comfort of your words, Mary. Let's all hold each other tight. I fear dark, hard days are ahead.

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    1. Amen, Jennifer. You echoed my sentiments exactly.......... it is a sad and dark day indeed. Susan M

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    2. As much of a cynic as I think I am, I suppose I still dwell in la-la land, a place where women's autonomy over their own bodies is not in doubt. Haha! Joke's on me! You are exactly right about the Taliban. And in this case, Americans themselves VOTED for the bag of slime who pushed this into being.

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  4. Mary dearest-I know you know. Weeping at the pool with a pregnant queer mom...just weeping on and off whenever I remember. Talked with my trans friend for a long time. She's thinking of Vancouver, if her hormones are stopped, she won't be able to function. They're coming for all of us. It's a nightmare. I love your chickens and you and your whole family. XX

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    1. And you know what, dear Beth? I do not think that white, straight men have any idea of the devastation that this is bringing to us all. That, too, infuriates me.

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  5. Dear Mary Moon do not totally despair ... Did you catch Biden's speech this morning? I am 78 years old, however, I am as pissed as anyone over this overturning of Roe vs. Wade ... not for myself but for everyone who will be needing it in the future! Biden stated Roe will be on the November ballot, so WE get vote to make Roe the law of the land!
    So, yes ... VOTE BLUE and, hopefully, get rid of a lot of the red stain on our country!
    Plus ... we need to push to get the SCOTUS increased to 13 justices!!
    There is hope if every one and every woman gets out and votes to make Roe the law of the land!!
    Love 💞 you ... Stay strong ... All of us!!!

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    1. I have not heard that Roe will be on a ballot this November. I think perhaps what Biden meant is that we should vote with the idea of electing people who will somehow manage to give women back their rights.
      I have voted blue my entire life and of course always will. I think the odds of getting each and every woman in America to get out and vote are obviously zero. I am in despair. The abortion issue has become a dog whistle for those who have wanted to make the US a country based on white Christian rules and obviously, that has worked.

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  6. Elizabeth Warren today encouraged us to go for the vote, and not give in to despair. She's right.

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    1. I know she's right but despair is what I feel.

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  7. By the time we realize we’re living in a fascist government, it’s too late. Love you Mary. Here for solidarity and succor.
    Rebecca

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    1. And it's too late. We do.
      I love you so dearly, Rebecca. We have each other.

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  8. overturning Roe simultaneously endorsing open carry- sick !Force a woman to carry a baby, unwanted , risky or compromised in some way just so that they can reach a cuter age than a wad of cells, to fill them full of hollow core bullets, break hearts, make the undertaker a rich guy, Brilliant. Just NO -i do not understand any of this horror.
    I do understand "goldfish" and sweet Maggie, on that I will focus until i can scrape myself up off the sorrow floor .
    Rebecca said it! Are we in a semi holding pattern before the shit really hits us hard?

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    1. Thomas's ridiculous statement about the constitution not discussing abortion while at the same time using the 2nd amendment to justify assault rifles is the height of hypocrisy.
      Oh, it is so easy to love the unborn baby, isn't it?
      I think the shit has already hit the fan.

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  9. You said "we are in charge". It may take years to recover, but our vote is our only way to recover.

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  10. How the fuck did this happen? Why did good Americans allow this fucking shit show to carry on? Believing it would eventually just go away? Burn itself out? That people could not be that insane? And yet here we are. I'm not American but I am human and this is inhumane. It has reduced women to chattels once again. I want to scream and cry and pull my hair out. I want the madness to stop.

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    1. That is a question we have all asked ourselves. How did we allow this to happen? And I think that instead of allowing it to happen, we just watched it happen as our democratic process took place. Obviously, our democratic process is deeply, horribly flawed.
      I am so embarrassed by my country but I take no responsibility for what has happened. Never once have I voted for anyone for any office who has given the slightest hint of wanting to limit the rights of woman or other marginalized groups nor would I ever.
      And trust me- being in the land of the madness is insane-making for all of us.

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  11. I have no words that will help, I simply do not know what I can say, apart from parents must now be vigilant about teaching their children respect for themselves and others.

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    1. Well, that is definitely one thing we can do. Of course it isn't enough.

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  12. I hear you on the unhealthy thoughts. And yes, although I knew it was coming, it was the same surreal gut punch as 2016. I’ve shed so many tears and fallen into a pit of despair. So tired of this minority rule, grabbing power by any means possible.
    Xoxo
    Barbara

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    1. And so many of those means are underhanded and borderline, if not entirely, illegal and unconstitutional.

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  13. All the things we fought for and gained they are dismantling. they have been working toward a theocracy for decades and now the SC is giving it to them. The SC that bases their decisions on the 'originalist' approach but ignoring the very basic separation of church and state they ignore. And you notice, all the things Thomas declared up for reconsideration, he did not mention interracial marriage which has been illegal in this country for far longer than it has been legal. Hypocritical bastard.

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    1. Here's what I think about your last point- I believe that C. Thomas is a self-hating Black man who sees himself as white. That sounds crazy but so is he. And all I can say about his marriage is that those two deserve each other.
      And yeah- what ABOUT church and state?

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  14. Your last line is a big help, thanks.
    Peter

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    1. I agree with Peter. I have been breaking out in tears at the thought of what has happened, and the thought of others are holding my hand and shedding tears is comforting….reaching my hand out to whoever needs it…

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    2. The image of holding hands with others is very comforting to me. It is perhaps the most basic form of human interaction, of indicating concern and care and shared emotion. I tear up at the idea of it.

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  15. I’m in the UK, I’m stunned with disbelief that this has happened, I think I’m struggling to take it in. And yes, you’re right, this could be only the beginning. We stand with you and our sisters all over the world xxx thank you for the last few words about reaching out and holding on xxx Sally

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    1. Thank you so much, Sally. I know we are not alone, those of us who are so devastated.

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  16. Let's not forget the steady work of Mitch McConnell in packing the courts with conservative judges. Voting blue and getting a majority in the Congress that reflects the actual majority of this country is the only way to retain and retrieve our rights. Thanks, Mary, for you express my feelings so well.

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    1. Mitch McConnell has probably done more to hurt this country than almost anyone in history. I detest him.

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  17. I don't have words. I can barely form thoughts. I vividly remember knowing we were headed to this the day after the 2016 election. And it is going to get worse. It is inhumane. We can take back the power and control but it will take decades.

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    1. At least decades. And can we ever truly mend what has been so irrevocably broken in the form of trust and belief?

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  18. Same here, same here. We'll all love one another, and some of us will do the stuff and others will tend to those doing the stuff, and some of us will write about the stuff.

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  19. I didn't know how upset I was till my husband made a random remark that turned me into a screaming sobbing shaking mess, for what felt like a quarter of an hour. At age 80 I remember all too well the days before. Like you, I didn't really believe it would happen, and the shameless self-righteousness of the written decision, and the comments afterward by those on the right take my breath away.

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    1. Like I said to Beth, I do not think that straight white men can have any comprehension of how this ruling affects women and how it will no doubt influence other rulings which will serve to harm others among us. They just...cannot...understand.

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  20. We share a lot of this intensity of despair and raw emotion about the terrible condition of America right now. The Grandson and his Partner have ramped up their Wedding Date to be July 4th, with his Dad officiating the Ceremony, since so many Churches still will shy away from officiating a Gay Marriage. They are Marrying in haste before any more Superior Court perverse rulings overturn the Rights of many, including them. Though they are Young they are concerned and keep their finger on the pulse, sadly, too many Americans are asleep and refuse to be Woke... thinking ignorance is bliss instead of just being ignorance and not seeing danger coming. Our Country as a Collective needs to wake the fuck up and fast... there's Trouble In Paradise and if they stay detached too long it will soon be Paradise Lost.

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    1. Some of my most loved ones are doing the same and pushing up the dates of when things must be done in order to ensure their safety and their ability to marry whom they love.
      And hey- I live in a state where they are trying to make it illegal to be woke.
      By the way, I think we already live in Paradise Lost.

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  21. 37paddington: I’m between rage and despair. Hope and fatalism. Disbelief and numbness. How can this be? And yet it is. Thank you for your clarity here, your love and humanity. Yes, the boys are affected too, the ones who are raised to care, at least, and be responsible, like your young ones. Thank you for making me think more about that. I wish often these days that the Dems were more bold. Only bold action, like expanding the court, will begin to redress all the travesties pouring down. I knew I could come here and find sanity. Thank you.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.