There is a picture of my cat. She was sitting at the other end of the sofa from me as I stitched two pieces of knitting together to make a strong, heat-proof potholder which I cannot deny looks like the handiwork of a twelve-year old.
Maurice, as crazy as she is, knows me and I think she is aware right now that I cannot deal with much interaction with other beings, even feline ones, but that I do probably need some sort of companionship.
Yesterday in my grief and disbelief fog, I decided to tidy and sort my "work area" which is the end of the couch and a table beside it where I keep my embroidery and knitting and crocheting and mending things. Yarns and floss, scissors, pins, needles to sew with, to knit with, to crochet with. Things were all a-tangle and a confusion of random bits and pieces and skeins and balls and I tried to make some sense of it all. While I was at it, I decided that it was time to get rid of the big green laundry basket in that corner I've had since Owen was a tiny boy which has served as a toy basket so I went through things in it and threw out a few things and could not bear to let go of a few things, which I then put in a large shopping tote and put in front of the fireplace with the Lincoln Logs and the Fisher Price farm.
I wiped out the basket and it is now in the laundry room where I suppose it belongs. I remember Owen playing animal in that basket, he was a jaguar in a cage and would escape and scare me to death. That was his joy, pretending to be a wild and scary jaguar, running the length of the hallway on four legs.
So that tiny piece of my life was dealt with as I was not capable of doing much else and I will admit that it is a comfort to see order in a place where there was none before.
Today has been much like that except that my tidying was done outside. We did get rain yesterday evening. Great buckets of it and today has been so much cooler. Tomorrow it's supposed to be back in the high nineties again so I knew that if I wanted to get anything done in the yard, today was the day and so I cleaned the hen house and then I spent a few hours kneeling in the wet dirt, weeding okra and beans, pulling plants by the root, digging up the ones that didn't come easily, and for the first hour or so I sweated like it was a hundred but the humidity was very high and then it began a light misting rain and I worked on through that and was more comfortable.
At least you can see where the okra is now, although it surely isn't doing much.
I came in, shucked my overalls and threw them over the new deck railing in hopes that the rain would wash some of the dirt off them before I put them in the washing machine. And then I took a shower which got perhaps out the outer coating of grime off me and then I sat down to watch mindless TV and stitch.
I've read the same memes on Facebook over and over and I've read so many positive posts suggesting that we can overcome this, we can change things again and all they do is exhaust me. I do not have a naturally cheerful or optimistic outlook and yesterday's supreme court ruling seems to have crushed my very soul to the point where I can barely raise any anger. I am indeed in despair and even wrote a friend that I feel as if all I can do is to keep my head down and live out the rest of my years which I know sounds horribly dramatic but that too, is who I am. I know that there are things I can do besides vote, like donate money to good organizations who are fighting the good fight, who have been fighting the good fight, who will continue to fight the good fight.
I think the thing that has affected me most deeply is the knowledge that the supposedly supreme court of the United States of America has said quite plainly and without apology, that women are not equal to men, that we do not have the same rights, namely and especially, the right to have autonomy over our own bodies.
We are, once again, reminded that we are naught but chattel, our very lives dictated by rules created by the white, Christian patriarchy who believes (theoretically) in a white, Christian god who is most definitely male.
A woman I know from absolute years of blogging and whom I respect, posted on FB that we need to let this ruling radicalize us rather than lead us into despair. I replied that I was radicalized fifty years ago and now I am just tired.
I'm sorry. I'll try to do better.
You can only do what you can do. Tidying a literal corner of your world is good.ReplyDelete
I thought so too.Delete
I'm with you. Already radicalized but sick of the bullshit.ReplyDelete
I think many of us are.Delete
It will be fixed, Mary. Possibly with a roar and a vengeance. If you are too tired, it's OK to be. Just vote.ReplyDelete
I can only hope that a roar and a vengeance will be involved! And don't worry- I will vote.Delete
Unbelievable to me how wrecked our country is after the former president and his allies turned up the hate and lies. I just keep telling everyone to Vote Blue.ReplyDelete
The rest of the world is having a laugh- "Progressive" USA gone back to 1868 just like that *snap*-people are rallying ,though, helping to transport patience and donating more to PP. At the moment that is all we can do.ReplyDelete
We are not laughing, we are worrying for all of you and hoping things can be changed for the better sooner rather than later.Delete
Sweet land of liberty my ass.Delete
No need to apologise. I know how such a ruling can drag women down until they feel almost as worthless as those fat old white men want them to. But deep inside, there is a spark of hope, it may not show itself yet, but t is there and you are strong. Your children and grandchildren are strong and there are others just like you. Together, you will make things happen to eventually turn the tide in the right direction.ReplyDelete
Thank you. I hope so. I truly thought my generation would make a difference and for awhile, we did. And then...Delete
My niece, who was adopted at birth, is leading a non profit that advocates for women’s’ rights. Her father (a right wing nut, btw) is angry that she’s so vocal. He says ‘if your bio mother chose abortion, you wouldn’t be here.’ Her response: ‘she made a CHOICE because she had one. Nobody has the right to take my choice away!’ Good on you, niece!ReplyDelete
I hate that argument. If my mother had had an abortion I would not be here and you know what? I wouldn't know. I would not care. It would not matter. Good for your niece.Delete
I know a few men whose fathers should have worn a condom or whose mothers should have aborted.Delete
Ms Moon, allow me to say that I am right there with you. My daughter was picketing in front of the court house Saturday afternoon. She's mad as hell. So were the people with her. She was not able to understand why I was not there. I will explain it to you. I think you will understand. This is bullshit, complete bullshit, but shouting that it is bullshit from in front of our court house in my rural red county achieves NOTHING except to further divide us. Will I be writing letters and sending e-mails? Yes. Sure will. But I need to use my anger in a way that will effect change, not tilt at windmills.ReplyDelete
I have to tell you, Debby, I have very similar feelings. I've never been much of a protestor when it comes to public gatherings. I did march for the ERA. Which has not yet been passed and that was in about 1975. I am glad that there are people who do it and I have to say that seeing the throngs marching in big cities does give me chills. But here in Tallahassee? Or where you are? Does it do any good at all? Is it merely virtue signaling? I don't know.Delete
I have a book you might like, "The Change" by Kirsten Miller. It's about menopause, obviously, but it's also about taking back our power. It made me feel better already.ReplyDelete
Not everyone has to fight in the same way Mary. Sending hugs and love.
I will check that out. Thank you. And thank you for the hugs and love. I sent mine back to you.Delete
I remember watching an episode of Call The Midwife where the wife went to a back street abortionist (they already had 6 kids living in poverty) and it was really, really, hard to watch! Is that where this is going to end up?ReplyDelete
Call the Midwife has done numerous episodes about abortion and they are all good and all difficult to watch. There are so many issues involved within that one topic that no one could ever cover them all. Every woman's story is different. And I am afraid that yes, backstreet abortions may well become a thing again as well as women trying to self-induce. Women WILL die.Delete
Glad you got some rain. None here yet. My phlox are blooming too, thank you. I'm with you, radicalized 50 years ago, just tired and discouraged now. Vote, vote, vote. My mail and message inbox is overflowing with with political action requests every day. And by political action, I mean send us money. If I sent money to every request I've gotten in the last several weeks, I'd be broke now. So I'm just living in the land of art and garden because otherwise my stress level skyrockets.ReplyDelete
I think I'm feeling the symptoms of oncoming anxiety and I do not want that to happen. Even years after my first and worst episode with it, the thought of that time brings tears to my eyes. Oh, Ellen. Can you believe we're here again? Can you? I can't really.Delete
37paddington: I too have been feeling like going to ground. I’m worn out. I suppose I am watching to see where best I can jump in. I don’t want to yell and spin my wheels. Cleaning your work table is a wonderful place to start. Here’s my hand.ReplyDelete