Sunday, February 28, 2021

Neither Genteel Nor Gentle


Last night, for no discernible reason, a curtain of sadness descended over me and I just went to bed. I read for several hours and slept and woke up in the same mood. Just...eh. No explanation, no changes, no nothing, everything same-same but a deep melancholy had taken hold and everything today has made me at once deeply sad and also angry. Aging and slowing down, the realization that there are things I never will do before I die, the deaths of people I've loved whom I always thought I'd see again, the news, the contemplation of the willful ignorance of certain people, the stupid book I was listening to, the springing up of invasive plants, my inability to get motivated, to try new things...
On and on and on and on and yet, at the same time, nothing at all. These thoughts weren't causing my sadness or my anger, they were simply part of it; things floating by that my brain grabbed onto to feed on as it ruminated like a great, unhappy shark, hidden in the shadows of the deep sea. 

I made the Sunday biscuits and they baked wonderfully in the new oven, the grits were perfect, completely unscorched on the extra-low burner. None of this cheered me. Mr. Moon wanted to go to town to a nursery to buy tomato plants and a few other things and asked me if I wanted to go and I just looked up from the crossword I was doing and shook my head. 

I managed to go out to the garden and plant another row of arugula, hoping to get at least a little more time with fresh greens for salad. I still have plenty of beautiful chard and spinach, lettuces and kale, but the arugula is bolting and I can't bear the thought of not having it. No harm in trying to plant more. I dug up many patches of the damn fireweed coming up by the garden gate, wearing long yellow rubber gloves. I hate that shit with a passionate heat like the burning surface of the sun. I put all of the pulled-up plants in an old potting soil bag that will go to the dump. 
And then because why not? I got out my pruners and worked in the front yard, trimming back the dead firespike, pulling random baby oak sproutlings, and then moving on to the sagos. 
Ay-yi-yi. 


That was over an hour ago. 
Now it looks like this. 



It itches like a motherfucker. Yes, yes, YES! I should have worn long sleeves. 
And I've only done half of the damn things and haven't yet started on the date palms. At least I can do those with the long loppers. 

I saw Miss Annie (one of the barred rocks) trying to kill Fancy Pants today. They were seriously going at it, jumping and flapping up into the air like two cocks in a pit fight. Fancy Pants' days may be measured around here. He has bloodied one of the gray hens' heads with his beak because he's so small that when he mounts her, he has a hard time staying balanced on her back and has to hold on. It's not unusual for roosters to cause hens to have bare places on their wings where they perch with their talons but this is cruel. I have long since lost my need for every chicken to live and roosters especially are a dime a dozen, even pretty fancy ones. We shall see what happens. I now know, though, that Annie will cut a bitch. 

Mr. Moon planted his three Cherokee Purple tomatoes and reports that the gnats and ants tormented him. We have already seen mosquitoes. The ants are coming out in force and I poured boiling water on a swarming bunch of large fire ants coming up between some steps. I have no Buddha in my soul today. These, however, are the type of ants that could literally kill a child if they covered him or her and while Buddha left his wife and son to go sit under the Bodhi tree, I feel certain that the mother of his baby had to deal with any and all of the myriad of threats that may have come her child's way with whatever resources she had. There are people who claim to be able to politely and successfully ask bothersome insects to please relocate their hives and homes but I am not one of them. 

I guess I am just Mean Ms. Moon today and that's how it is sometimes. I am quite aware that this meanness comes from pain and although I do not know the source of it (and usually, I do have a clue), I am sure that I will just ride it out and figure it out and work it out. 
Eventually. 
Meanwhile, red ants and sagos and fireweed and fancy roosters need to watch their step. 
Let it be known and so be it. 

Love...Ms. Shark-Heart



43 comments:

  1. We laughed and laughed cause WILL cut a bitch.

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    1. She wasn't playing around. She was out for blood.

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  2. Oh, Mary, I have your back today. I am really, really off and sad today also for no discernable reason. This is us, I guess, women with melancholy. Let's hope for sunshine and optimism tomorrow. These shitty and unpredictable days are just something to get through and thank the goddesses that may be that we are loved and cherished by many. That's reason enough to carry on, carry on. You're one I love and cherish, so there's that.

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    1. Thank you, Dianne. I've managed to get through today relatively unscathed.

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  3. It's almost as if you have too many eggs (metaphorically speaking) and most of them ended up in the *dark* basket of your brain today. I get it, and it isn't fun. That arm of yours......yikes. I got fire ant bites that bad once, but never from a plant as fierce as that. Wow. And.....maybe Miss Annie will dispatch the rooster before you need to intervene. I've seen it happen and it's not pretty, but boy, they can be brutal and very *accurate* when provoked. Lordy. I hope you have a Martini, even if it isn't Friday....and may you sleep well and feel lighter tomorrow
    Big hug
    Susan M

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    1. I did have a martini. Two in fact. And yes, I am sort of hoping that Annie takes on the job of rooster culling herself although that's not really fair to her because she'd probably at least get injured.
      Sigh.

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  4. makes me wonder what the stars are doing these days- lined up for wasp bites and stinging flora and who knows what else- do not cross the street today!

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    1. Aren't we having a full moon? It's probably waning now, but those damned things can really messed you up!

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    2. Linda Sue- I crossed no streets. Probably for the best.
      Marcia- Yep. Just had a full moon.

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  5. Dear Ms Shark Heart(!), I am getting to the point where this sort of day occurs quite frequently and I wonder about the origin as well. I guess it is just a tough time to be a person where ever you live. Know that you are not the only one.

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    1. I'm always aware that I am far from unique. We all suffer from the bad days, don't we?

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  6. Your poor arm has had a mean time of it. What a lot of work you put in, feeling not so good. I hope tomorrow, or the day after, is better.

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    1. My arm is fine today. And I didn't really do that much work. I was just miserable while I was doing it.

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  7. Your arm made me wince! As someone with terrible eczema and sensitive skin just the sight of that makes we want to cry for you. Sorry about your mad, bad day. Sometimes those days just happen. I sure hope you have a good night's sleep and feel better in the morning. Take care!

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    1. The Benadryl cream cleared my arm right up. So don't worry! It was temporary.

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  8. I've had a similar day and I'm hoping a good night's sleep helps. Sending hugs and love.

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  9. I'm always comforted when I come here to read your beautiful writing and then absorb your inimitable take on not just yourself but the world. Even your "bad" days and "mean" thoughts help me to sort out my own. I hope tomorrow dawns a bit brighter.

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  10. Make no apologies for killing fire ants - I find pouring boiling water over the little sods quite satisfying. Hope you feel better tomorrow!

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  11. Fire ants, like roaches and mosquitoes, are fair game for killing, as far as I'm concerned. (I say that as a former Zen practitioner who probably shouldn't differentiate between "good" and "bad" insects but recognizes that some of them bite and spread disease.)

    Why do we feel the way we do? Who knows. I'm not sure there has to be a reason. It's just our brains sloshing around in their randomly changing pools of chemistry.

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    1. I will catch a wasp in a jar and let him out but red ants on the steps are not happening.
      I wonder if any of that pool of chemistry in my brain is still affected by hormones? I wouldn't doubt it.

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  12. Ugh. Rough day. I know that in the last month or so I have found I cannot barely tolerate to read the news (haven't watched TV or listened to radio in five years) even though I have NYT and WP subscriptions and usually read several international newspapers, too. Just had it up to here. So I get your feelings. No specific reason for them, just a pile of crap sitting on your soul--holding you hostage.

    Hope you found a responsive treatment for the arm. Impossible to think straight with that kind of itching and pain. Hell, I can't even shuck an ear of corn without the same result...heaven help me if I got into the stuff down your way.

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    1. Benadryl worked wonders.
      Wish there was benadryl for the news.
      I've heard of people reacting like that to corn. That sucks!

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    2. Unfortunately, I am allergic to Benadryl. Found that out the hard way, but luckily the reaction happened in a doctor's office. I have some very whack allergies...the little darlings. :(

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  13. I hesitate to comment on this post in case I get attacked by Ms Shark Heart - rising from the depths like a mean torpedo with her sharp white teeth a-flashing. Funny how one's moods can rise and fall for no particular reason.

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    1. I won't attack you. But don't try me, man!

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  14. How wise you are to express your moods and not deny or stuff them down. It's such a clean way to live.

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    1. I'm too old to try to keep that stuff hidden. Not going to happen.

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  15. Will boiling water kill fire ants? I would much prefer using that to the terrible poison we bought. It's contained in it's own plastic container and I have that whole container in a second large plastic container and I can still smell it. I hate it!
    Boiling water?
    I'm going to try it.

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    1. You can try it but unless it's a really small infestation I doubt the boiling water will work. This was just coming up between steps. Mostly, I let the ants just be because trying to get rid of them is a fool's errand. But these were just too bold.

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  16. Stubblejumpers CafeMarch 1, 2021 at 1:54 PM

    Oy, Mary! Bad enough to wake up in an inexplicably bad mood, but then to have the itching to make it twice as shitty! -Kate

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  17. Go on with your bad self, Annie! Your writing is addictive to me, no matter your mood. Hope tomorrow feels better. Much love.
    Xoxo
    Barbara

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    1. That made me feel better. Thanks, Barbara.

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