Sunday, August 11, 2019

Keeping It Holy

Quite possibly the most boring day ever. The most constructive thing I've done all day long is to pot up a begonia tuber.
It's just too dang hot to even consider doing anything outside although Mr. Moon, who is not quite human, chain-sawed and cut up that huge pecan branch that fell and hauled it to the burn pile in his truck. By the time he was finished with that and had fired up the the huge mound of downed branches, bamboo, and trimmings he was exhausted and had sweated completely through his clothes.
"Honey, you need to..." I said before he cut in.
"Don't even say it," he said.
"I was just going to say you need to cool off," I said meekly.
"Okay," he said. I mean, that was pretty obvious.
He took a shower and had some lunch and sat in his chair and didn't do a whole lot for the rest of the day THANK GOD!
Meanwhile, I've read a few articles in the New Yorker and taken a small nap.
I can't even remember being this useless but it's okay. It is, of course, the Sabbath. I have GOD's permission.

So. One of the things I liked best about not being on that anti-depressant was not having those cinematic dreams of interminable length. I hadn't had one of them in months. Then came the anxiety and then I got back on the pills, and hello dreams! Same themes. Huge house I need to clean or do something to. Running from bad people. Taking care of people. It's insane.
The other night I dreamed it was Christmas Eve and I was in a car with my stepfather/abuser and demanded to be let out which led to me having to walk home. For awhile I was wearing some golden high, high-heels which had semi-magical properties when it came to striding in them. I was forced to discard them though when the heels snapped off.
I had to walk through areas with criminals who tried to chase and attack me. I got away. Then there were lots and lots of homeless people and I felt terribly guilty. I never did make it home as far as I know. I may still be wandering around on an eternal journey for all I know.
On one level, these dreams are interesting and if I care to, I can easily find meaning in them arising from my life, my demons, my own journey. So, yeah. That's okay. But I wake up from them exhausted and they are so vivid and real that I carry the air and mood of them with me all day if not for days.
I find it so telling that these medications (this isn't the only anti-depressant I've had the dreams on) definitely affect my brain and how it functions. I suppose this should be a bit scary for me but for some reason, it's not. There are a hell of a lot of things that have and do affect how my brain functions, many of them which happened far before I was aware of even having a brain, before I could speak, and not under my control or with my permission. Some of these things have had positive effects on me but many have had devastating effects and if I can take a tablet that can slightly alter things in my cognition which make it possible for me to live with less fear, with less pain- I'll take it. They can literally mean the difference between having a fairly normal, albeit quirky life and having a life that I find almost impossible to function in.
But damn. Those dreams.

I guess I'll shrug off my complete sloth and go make some supper. Mangrove snapper tonight. A cauliflower gratin? Maybe. We shall see how it goes in the kitchen. I pulled the third to last leek in my garden and I'll be using that.

And by the way- my giant lady spider has disappeared but a smaller girl has taken her place. I am glad that I got to spend so much time watching that big golden orb weaver. She inspired me with her tenacity and industriousness. I am sure that I will feel the same way soon about the new one who already shows signs of being tidy and determined.

There is so much life around me if I just take the time to look.

I think the whole world is probably like that.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. When I went back on Zoloft after my month off, I had some intense dreams for a week or two, but they've since subsided. Sorry to hear you're so troubled with dreams, Mary.

  2. Goodness those dreams are something else! I hope the dreams lessen over time.

  3. I don't take mind altering drugs for mood, but the drugs I take to control the pain of my broken back also alter my mind. Frankly, I hate it. Sometimes I try to lower the dose, in hope of just quitting. The first day is reasonable. The second day produces tears. I explain to the doc why I have extra pills. She smiles, and probably would pat me on the head if I were a child.

  4. Speaking of pharmaceuticals, I read today that Santana was tripping his gourd off when he played at Woodstock. Ah mescaline...

    Meanwhile, the dream state troubles me when I take opiods, especially percocet, so I avoid them Except when I've had surgery. Hooray for mild=ish symptoms.

    I found a small spider this morning who built her web between the sink and the nearest cabinet. I was so sorry to disturb her night time efforts but I had to open the drawer.

    I usually escort bugs to the great outdoors but spider webs in the house herald the beginning of fall and I felt it today, just a hint. What have I accomplished this year? That deserves a longer conversation. Maybe sometime, I'll fly to Florida for your pickled okra and gossip on the porch. XXX

  5. Peace is what I feel when I read this. Peace everywhere and the hope for it in your dreams.

  6. I'm sorry your dreams are so troubling. I hope they subside.

  7. dreams....sorry yours are disturbing.....that is not welcomed at all. I have never been a dreamer, but since starting on BP meds....have had vivid technicolor dreams. Not altogether unpleasant.....but unusual for me.
    My day sounds like yours. I did hens chores and some laundry...hubby is sort of laid up with a back spasm, so a housebound day for both of us in the heat (not as bad as yours).....and I felt slothful all day. I did manage an edible dinner and looking forward to bed and book.....and hope tomorrow is a bit more productive......but if not, well, so be it
    Susan M

  8. I am sorry that your having dreams while on the antidepressant. I sleep so deep on mine that it is rare that I dream, but I have had one or two lately that have stayed with me but only in snatches and that frustrates me because I can have a moment that makes me pause but then it is gone and leaves me wondering what it was that made me pause, that almost image! Oh well..
    Back to your dreams. I am sorry that you are having them and sorry that they are disturbing for you. I hope that they stop and you can just sleep the night thru.

    I love the fact that you have a new little girl weaving her web but sad that the other one is gone. I hope that she is spinning a new home at this time.

    Have a great week. Beth

  9. I remember when I tried taking Wellbutrin, when I shut my eyes at night it was like I could see my entire neural network lit up. It was pretty but couldn't sleep so I switched. I've always had weird dreams, my whole life. I remember them too, even ones from when I was child.

    Hope your dreams are better tonight.

  10. when the RNP put me on digoxin I had long vivid involved dreams to the point I looked up to see if that was a side effect of it or maybe the metoprolol or a combo of the two. Couldn't find anything specific and it only lasted a couple of weeks I think. I've seen more banana spiders this year than since we bought the place. and dammit, a paper wasp stung me this morning on my right wrist as I leaned over the swamp lily to pull up a gone by black eyed susan. little bastard.

  11. Mary this post is dreamfull your descriptions of your sleeping life are as vivid as those of your waking life. You write so beautifully of place. I am always grateful when I come here and find a tiny bit of Lloyd in my pocket.

  12. Dreams can be magical but they can also be a bit creepy, especially when medicinally-induced. I never seem to dream much. Which is fine with me. When I was in Africa I took an anti-malarial drug called Lariam which induced vivid dreams in some people. Mine got quasi-vivid but I don't remember anything too freaky. It has also rarely induced psychotic episodes, but fortunately I avoided those!

  13. I feel calmed when I read about you allowing yourself such days as this. Those dreams, though. I wonder if there's a way to steer the outcomes? I'd like to have a pair of those magical golden shoes in my waking life. They have a powerful meaning in your dream, probably. And maybe the heel snapping was to let you know you dont need the shoes to do what they do, cause you can do it yourself. Because you are even more magical than those shoes.

  14. "Don't even say it..." - I wonder what Glen thought you were going to say? Perhaps, "Try Primal Pit Paste All Natural Patchouli Deodorant!"


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