Friday, October 6, 2017
Is It The Full Moon?
The youngest cousins accompanied us to Costco today and sampled everything from pizza to pork chops to peaches. They are starting to really pay more attention to each other, especially when it comes to who has what and who is being allowed to do what. It's amazing how early the it's-not-fair sense kicks in.
It was good to get out of the house I guess, although I am sure I was lousy company. I woke up feeling as if the world must surely be done with me and that I am nothing but an annoying, busy-body old lady who really has nothing to offer anyone and please don't bother to tell me this is not true because that's just the way I felt and still do, actually, plus I had a lot of anger mixed in there and I'm not sure at all where that came from.
So this afternoon when Maurice and Jack were about to get into it and I made the incredibly stupid mistake of reaching out to stop Maurice from leaping on Jack and she bit me so hard that I'm sure I have a bruise under the bandaid as well as a bloody hole or two, I was so mad I could have thrown her across the porch. Of course I did not, but I will admit that I threw an apron at her and screamed at her.
Goddam, it HURT!
I know she didn't mean to hurt me. I know that. But honestly, how long have we had this cat? And I have shown her nothing but love and affection, all on her terms, never forcing the issue but waiting for her to come to me, feeding her the trailer trash treats she loves, never over-reacting in the least when she's bit or clawed me.
May I just say- it's not fair?
I still love her but I'm fucking keeping my distance and you can bet on that.
I understand that we not only anthropomorphize our cats in believing that they do very much care for us and have deep affection for us but we also probably rationalize their bad behavior in the same way.
"Oh, it's not her fault. She had a traumatic childhood."
How often have I said that?
And honestly, I know nothing about her childhood. She never has shown any fear of humans (or anything, for that matter) so I don't think she was treated roughly as a kitten. For all I know she was a beloved pet until she started displaying the clawing and biting and was then abandoned in front of my house where she has been ever since.
Well, don't worry. I will get over my snit before the puncture wounds are healed.
What's one more wound anyway? I have a veritable railroad track of rose thorn wounds down my leg, ant bites on my arms, and a scrape on my hand which I have no idea how I got. Sometimes I look at beautiful older women who are done up nicely in one way or another and I feel ashamed that I don't even make an effort. There's a woman about my age I see at Costco who has short blue hair and tattoos and she wears awesome clothes and I want to be her. And then I see a lady with pretty hair, fixed up in an attractive way, not screwed up in a stupid Olive Oyl bun and stuck to her head with a hair tie, wearing make-up and tasteful jewelry and clothes that don't look like she slept in them and I want to be her.
I don't know. But here I am, liver and age-spotted as a leopard, scarred and gouged and bit and wrinkled, crooked and bent and wattled and I just feel as if I've given up and wonder why in the world my husband stays with me or why my grandchildren don't scream with fear when they see me.
I got a good long row of mesclun planted along with a row of collards (two kinds) and a row of arugula and that was all I could manage to do this afternoon. It doesn't look like Tropical Storm or Hurricane Nate will be much of a threat to us (although hey! who knows?) but we should be getting some good rain which I will be grateful for. Somehow I am at a point in my life where there's almost nothing which soothes and quiets my soul like good, steady rain, especially if it's falling on a just-planted garden although watching it fall on any green growing thing feels like a promise of hope.
I will hold to that thought and I offer it to you as well.
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"a stupid Olive Oyl bun"ReplyDelete
I find that look quite endearing!
It's like a man bun but on an old woman. Not a real great look.Delete
Dear Mary, yes to all of this. I only wear makeup for concerts and readings (if I’m performing) and I only brush my hair after a shower not in between days. I am careful not to anthropomorphize my cats though it’s tempting but one of the things I adore about cats is their alien sensibilities. I do tend to anthropomorphize dogs though. And buffalo. And miniature goats and llamas and horses. Also I have run on sentenceitis. I have it bad. It took me four hours to scrub my kitchen floor today on my knees one wet rag one dry rag. I feel like I may have fallen off a motorcycle going 79 mph. This is too long a comment. I am feral but I adore you. PS. Anyone who steps on my kitchen floor will be immediately put to death. XO RebeccaReplyDelete
Ah, love. One of the publishers my agent (haha!) sent my novel to said that my work was way too full of run-on sentences. I thought it was just my voice. We can't help but anthropomorphize all the creatures because honestly, they are so much like us but we do forget that their circumstances may be different. Also, their diets. You scrubbed your floor for four hours? My god. If I mop for ten minutes I expect the Hallelujah chorus. I swear. DID you fall off a motorcycle going 79 mph? There is no such thing as too long a comment. And I can promise you I will not step on your kitchen floor and also, the older I get, the more feral I feel. No one told me this would happen.Delete
Radish King, your comment made me laugh. I sometimes wave at dogs just in case they care. And dogs. And cats. Crows too.Delete
I rarely comment on blog posts but after reading that Maurice bit you so hard that it punctured your skin I need to let you know that cat bites need to be treated with a special antibiotic asap. Sorry to add to your woes, but we learned this the hard way a few years ago when a scared cat bit my husband as he was rescuing it. As luck would have it, he had an appointment with our doctor a day or two later and I mentioned the bite to the doctor because the bite area was red & swollen. The doctor was alarmed and had us get a particular antibiotic to start right away. He said that any time a human is bitten by a cat it is important to be treated right away. So please do have it looked at and get the antibiotic.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Ginger. However, this cat punctures my skin almost daily with her teeth and so far, nothing malevolent has arisen. I will watch the areas though. I promise.Delete
Well, you know that my husband got very, very ill after a cat bite. He was in the hospital for 5 days and on multiple antibiotics, one was a super antibiotic because it was a antibiotic resistant staph infection.ReplyDelete
As for wanting to be one of those women that look like they have their life together. My aunt is one of those women. Perfect hair. Tall. Thin. Dressed to the nines everyday. Big beautiful house. Maid. Blah, blah, blah. But she isn’t very nice. Or really, very happy. She was so spitefully mean to my mom while she was alive. She decided to be nice when my mom started dying for sure. Anyway, she looks amazing. But it’s not real. She looks nice but she isn’t nice. And this. YOU have given me more support in one day than she has in the six years since my mom died. And I love you because you are you. I love her because I have to.
There is a Woman that comes into our Antique Mall who is probably older than I am but looks so Fabulous and is such a Sweet Spirit too that I want to be HER sometimes too! But our Husbands and our Grands Love us because of who WE are, and your tales of Family Life and Gardening and Cooking make it evident that you Create a very comforting Loving environment for your Beautiful Family, so being YOU is all they'll ever need! Big hugs, crappy days are the worst... having one myself... but we'll get over it... and Yes, the Moon did look pretty Full last Night, eerily Beautiful and yet, you do Wonder if it doesn't also bring with it the Madness??? *winks*ReplyDelete
Mary, please check on the cat bite. There has been too much sickness around lately. It won’t hurt to find out there’s nothing to worry about. I want you safe. As for the rest, getting older sucks but I guarantee what you see in the mirror is not what others see when they look at you. They see a goddess who is the glue that makes the center hold. I’m not even exaggerating a little bit. You are so loved. I wish you could see how beautiful you are. But I know you can’t. So just trust me on this. Trust us all. Big hugs.ReplyDelete
You are one of those gorgeous women. It's hard to see it from the inside looking out. 😘ReplyDelete
Be proud of your scars and your marks and your skin! They reflect your life and your experiences. Your husband and grandchildren love you partly because all those experiences have made you who you are!ReplyDelete
Oh, and WHAT THE HELL, Maurice?! Do you not know the proverb about biting the hand that feeds you?Delete
Maggie is a teeny mini-Lily in this photo. It's remarkable :)ReplyDelete
because those women you see probably don't garden and don't sew and don't get down on the ground and play with their grandchildren. no, you do not want to be them and neither does your husband and children and grandchildren want you to be them. how boring you would be.ReplyDelete
and I wasn't done. I have a bump on my forehead where some piece of wood I was wrangling fell and hit me and puncture wounds from nails from another piece of paneling that swung down and 'nailed' me and a cut on my finger from where the screen door handle broke. we're just a walking list of scrapes and scratches because we live and do.Delete
It always hurts my feelings when one of the cats gets excited and bites or scratches me, but when they get their dander up, the adrenaline kicks in, and they don't seem to know you from Adam. Petulant fuckers.ReplyDelete
I love you.