Tuesday, October 24, 2017

I am so, so tired of being crazy.
Anxiety is exhausting.
And right now I am feeling very crazy and am beyond exhausted.
Why? Mostly because I have a follow-up doctor's appointment in a week. And I've been dreading it for a month. Have I gotten the blood work done I was supposed to get?
No.
Have I gotten a mammogram, a colonoscopy, or an appointment with the dermatologist?
Of course not.
I simply cannot make myself do these things. I believe I would literally rather die.
And I adore my doctor. He is all things good.

No matter how hard I try to figure out why I have this horrible aversion about going to the doctor and anything medically related, I can't but I know I've had it for as long as I can remember and it's only gotten worse with each passing year. And for the past few weeks I've woken up every morning feeling as if might puke or pass out. Mostly pass out. Which I have never done in my life. And I cry. A sixty-three year old woman who cries because she has to go to the damn doctor.
And I'm not exaggerating here. I am not just being dramatic. This is simply the way it is.

Tomorrow is my thirty-third wedding anniversary and there is not enough room left in my psyche to appreciate that one bit. I mean, I do. I do. But to feel the joy about it that I should?
No.
And that is how evil anxiety is. It wipes away logic and enjoyment and joy. It washes everything with darkest charcoal and lurid scarlet.

Well. Time to take a walk and try to work off some of this damn adrenalin.

That's what's happening in my world.
What's going on in yours?

Love...Ms. Moon





14 comments:

  1. Ugh. I am so, so sorry that this is happening right now. I hope the walk helps and your anniversary puts you in a better place.

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    1. The walk did help some. Thank you, Steve.

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  2. I am so, so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. May the rest of the day be better. May you be well.

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    1. My days won't be much better until this appointment is over. This I know for certain. And eventually, it will be.
      Thank you, love.

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  4. I can completely relate to you medical anxieties...I find myself delaying endlessly my own medical care...and yet am totally on the ball helping my mom by calling her Dr office to sort out an error.Now if I would just apply that same energy to making my eye appointment. I could use a new air of glasses, these aren't really doing the job anymore! I like what Sally said...

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    1. I was the same way with my last eye appointment! I knew I needed one for months and months. Okay, maybe a year or more.
      This whole neurosis just sucks so bad.

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    2. I know I inherited mine somehow...and yes, I am over a year late getting this eye exam rolling...

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  5. I am SO sorry that you're dealing with all this! I had a mild fear of doctors for a while, but my fear du jour is dentists. Yes, all my teeth may fall out, but the mere thought of just making the appointment requires half a Valium. You have some daunting tests to schedule, and I suggest Xanax....many Xanax.

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    1. Listen- I understand! I, too, have to take a damn Ativan to make an appointment. It's not a joke. It's fucking hard and crazy and sad.
      Well, speaking for myself, at least.

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  6. Hang on dearheart.....it will improve

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    1. I'm afraid the neurosis won't. But thank you, John.

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  7. I am so sorry for your anxiety, i am travelling a similar road lately.
    I too am 2 years overdue for my mammogram and my Gastro Dr. has been bugging me about a follow up colonoscopy and I need another round of pt for my neck. I will do none of them right now, not for a while. I just can't do another procedure, trip to the doctor or be in the therapy lifestyle right now. I'm just getting through my days right now, trying to figure out how not to be too crazy.
    I hope you find comfort in your anniversary, in your sweet man, in beating the odds.
    I wish you better, and I am sending you hugs, and I know the xanax helps, but a medicated life is only nominal improvement sometimes.
    xo

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  8. Mel- you nailed it. The medication makes life a bit more bearable sometimes but it's obvious that it's not a cure or even much of a remedy. It's not like I take an Ativan and think, "Oh yeah! I can definitely call and make an appointment for a colonoscopy!" No. That is not how it works. I am so sorry you suffer from this too. I know it's common but it still sucks.

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