Friday, July 21, 2017

Oh, July.


I have been struggling a bit lately and I'm sure it's everything all together, you know. It's the time of year when I had my first huge anxiety episode and anniversaries are always hard whether your mind remembers or not. The body does, just as it remembers the anniversaries of the deaths of people we love.
It's about to be my birthday which is also a hard time for me. Always is. The age I'm about to be- 63- sounds relatively young when I apply it to other people but when I apply it to myself, I am astounded that I'm still alive and the time has certainly passed where I will die young and leave a beautiful corpse.
Which I suppose is a good thing but still- sixty-three? Really? And please don't tell me I'm still young or that we are only as old as we feel.
I feel fucking old and I look fucking old and I feel the way I feel so there you go.

Plus the heat. Every time I got out of my car today I felt as if my skin was simply going to sear like chicken skin on an overly hot grill and I remembered that I need to make an appointment with the dermatologist to get all of these suspicious places checked out and honestly, I think he'll probably just say, "We need to remove your entire epidermis," and besides that, if there's anything harder for me to do than calling a doctor's office to make an appointment, I'm not sure what it is.
Plus the everything. I just feel old and useless and ugly and taking up space that some precious new baby in this world would be more deserving of. Space and resources. Water and food. I ain't no Bodhisattva, y'all. I take up my share and then some.

Oh well. I guess as long as I'm still entertaining to my grandchildren and not a personal burden on my kids I'll be okay with sticking around.
I should try to eat less, though and at least remember to not run the water while I'm brushing my teeth until I actually need it to rinse.

I went to town today to get some inches chopped off of my hair. It's just been bugging me. Long and lank and doing no good for nothing (not unlike me) plus I wear it up all the time and in the summer, if I do anything outside I'm going to sweat so much that my hair is wet until I go to bed and I've frequently wondered why it doesn't mildew.
And then there's the Melissa factor.
Melissa, as you know, is our hair-lady, our friend, our light in the world. Just being in her presence is enough to make you feel better about everything, including yourself.
So I went to see Melissa and I showed her how much I wanted cut off and she said, "Oh, no. Not that much," and then she showed me why I didn't want that much cut off and I agreed and she cut off a goodly amount and now at least it won't take as long to dry. I looked at the pathetic lanks of my hair on the cutting floor and was glad to be rid of that stuff which was at least five years old.


It must not be too dramatic a change because when Gibson saw me he said, "Mer, I like your dress!"

I met Lily and Gibson and Magnolia June for lunch. Owen is at his first real sleep-over party with his friend Chase, whose birthday it's about to be. He and Chase are BFF's and love each other dearly and Lily said he was fit to burst when she dropped him off. Chase has a brother, a dog, AND a pool, plus they went to a movie. He is never going to want to go home. Never. Ever.

So I got to spend time with Gibson and Maggie and Lily and that was fun. Gibson is the cuddliest boy in the world. I asked him, "Gibson, why do you cuddle me so much?"
"Because I love you!" he said.
"I love you, too," I told him.
And Maggie just wanted to be held and to be fed beans off my fork and eat ice cream from a cup without a spoon and when we were leaving, she went up to a lady who was seated nearby and kept saying, "Hi! Hi!" and the lady ignored her but another lady saw her and said, "Adorable!"

She really is. Can you believe that tutu skirt?


That girl can carry off a look. She has style. She has grace, even with ice cream on her face.

She is precious, that Maggie girl. 

And they all are and soon there will be another to love on. Mr. Moon told me that he FaceTimed with August today who asked for MerMer, just as Maggie asked for her Boppa, and they had a good conversation with lots of thrown kisses. 
"Moah!" August is reported as having said. 
And his Boppy threw him moah kisses, of course.

And so there you go. Another day in the life of one old lady. I have a lovely chicken in the oven (not one of mine, thank you very much) with a tiny bit of stuffing in it. I believe I will fake-fry some okra tonight. Every day I go out and cut what is ready and I have what I believe to be two servings worth. I really want to get my hands on a big ol' bucket of the stuff and pickle it all. 
I probably could if I just set my mind to it. 

The mango/peach/cherry pie was fine. I only had a bite. Honestly, the joy for me is in the baking. Mr. Moon drove ALL THE WAY TO PUBLIX before dinner last night to buy vanilla ice cream to put on it. I was chopping vegetables for the salad when I got a phone call from him. 
"You'll never believe where I am," he said. 
Honestly, I thought he was still at the convenience store.
"Where?" I asked. 
"On the interstate," he said. "On my way to Publix to buy ice cream which is worthy of that pie."
I am not kidding you. 
He bought a vat of Haagen Dazs. 

I love that man. 

He's going fishing tomorrow and hopefully, we'll be eating snapper soon but fishing is fishing and catching is another thing all together. I am almost 63 years old and if I know one thing, that is it. 

Stay tuned. 

Love...Ms. Moon









24 comments:

  1. Whenever I make a remark about how old I feel and someone tells me I'm not I tell them this is the oldest I have ever been and have nothing else to compare it to.

    Who ignores a baby saying hi? Someone I do not care to know, that's who.

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    1. Well, you are exactly right. We are as old as we've ever been and that's a reality.
      I think the lady whom Maggie was trying to say hey to was not quite...right. Maybe she was deaf? I don't know. But Maggie gave it her all and the other lady sure did notice.

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  2. You may feel old but you look amazing in that photo!

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    1. Oh, Joanne- thank you. You are so precious.

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  3. Your hair is remarkable you amazing hippie you.
    Love and Keith Richards' everlasting kisses for this day of your Birthday Month.

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    1. You made me cry. So. Thank you. I love you to pieces.

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  4. I'll be 61 in about a month and I wake up every morning with aches, pains, and the feeling that I need a nap. Maybe it's the heat; maybe it's the medical problems I'm having, but most of the time I just feel old. Your precious grands no doubt help your moods, and mine do me. Instead of a sloppy kiss and a sit on my lap, I get an 'I love you' text or an unexpected visit. Precious nonetheless.

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    1. Yes. As long as those grandchildren want to make contact with us, I guess we are good.
      It ain't easy to get older, is it? It's just not. But here we are. And we go on.

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  5. I would ask for MerMer too.

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    1. We are definitely a set in these babies' eyes. Where one is, the other should be as well.

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  6. See? The grands ask for whoever is not in front of them because MerMer and Boppy are a pair. Your hair looks fabulous. And birthdays are hard for me too. Always a relief to be on the other side of it.

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    1. Yes! Bop and Mer belong together. Always.
      I will be so glad when this birthday is over.

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  7. You look great. I'm serious. And you're even more beautiful on the inside! Your blog is always my first choice to read. I love hearing about your days, even the ones where you don't feel good. Please know that you are beautiful and loved. ❤

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    1. Oh, Jennifer woman! Thank you. You are such a sweetie. You are loved too.

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  8. Mary, the love you create, the support you give - honestly, talking about taking up space and resources is an insult to the people in your family who need you. My mother was anxious and somewhat problematic in certain ways, as I am, god knows, and my life fell apart when she died at 57. What would I give to have had her around at 63? To have seen her hair go grey all the way? To have seen her hold my children and have her support and opinion on them? You're worth your ever so great weight in child care alone, if you want to be pragmatic about it. I spent my last birthday with one child who's still too young to have noticed how flawed I am - you will have a horde of loving people around you. You have to understand how significant this is!
    But I know how you feel. I feel the same at twenty years younger. At least you gloried in your forties, while I feel fat and ugly and pointless right now. So... I can't blame you, I guess.
    It's been significantly hot in Ireland for the last while, hot enough to go to sleep with sweat in my hair and wake up with more - it ain't pleasant. I'm planning a hair cut too. Blech. Not surewhy Melissa didn't let you go short, though!

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    1. Oh, I do know all of those things but, well...
      It's so weird. All of it, in a way. This getting older thing absolutely robs me of certain things I held to be most true about myself. I did not realize how transitory they were and it's a hard thing to accept.
      As for Melissa- she told me that if I could not brush my hair back over my shoulders it would drive me crazy. And she is right. She knows me well. If I really wanted it shorter, she would do that for me.

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  9. To say you don't contribute anything -- well, nothing could be farther from the truth. Think of what you contribute to your family, your children and grandchildren, not to mention the community you've fostered here in blogland! You are required blog reading for so many of us who love your eye on the world and your poetic descriptions. (Such as, "my skin was simply going to sear like chicken skin on an overly hot grill." LOL!)

    I also loved: "She has style. She has grace, even with ice cream on her face." Maggie is Vogue-ing!

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    1. Maggie WAS Vogue-ing! Those little hands in that skirt! She's a hoot. You should see her when she's sitting in a high chair and you give her something she disdains. She'll take it, look right at you, and then hold her hand out and drop the offending morsel to the floor. If you offer her the same food on a fork, she will happily eat it. She has her standards.
      Thank you for your kind words, Steve. I really mean that. You are am amazing friend.

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  10. Oh Mary, it grieves me to hear you feeling that way about yourself. Probably because I have similar struggles. And I'm going to say it, 63 isn't old; you're the oldest you've ever been but you're also the youngest you'll ever be, and you'll look back and say, I was so young then. Aging is a privilege, even though tough, tough. Look at that beautiful hair and face, and much more important, you're one of the most loving people I have had the privilege to meet. Nothing counts more. Sending good thoughts that on this birthday, whenever it is, you'll feel the love flowing all around you, strong and sure and oh so real. Becky

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    1. Oh Becky- I am so glad you've started leaving comments. They are so sweet and so wonderful. Thank you.

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  11. oh yeah, the 60s were hard for me to wrap my head around, the reason for the year of the selfie at 64 so that I would finally get used to it (67 now). I guess it worked. my sister turned 70 last month. I couldn't even say it. I told her happy 69th. on our trip, Jade took some pictures of me which she sent over. OMG, I look so old. however, when I told my daughter the final report on the cardiologist, she said 'good, we're not through with you yet'.

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    1. "Good. We're not through with you yet."
      Perfect.
      Photos can be true shockers, can't they? Well, we continue on.

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  12. Happy almost 63 Mary! That's how old I will be on my next birthday too. Yeah, we may be old but I wouldn't trade the era we grew up in for anything. Maggie is truly precious. Don't know how anyone could ignore her. Much love and gold rings on ya.
    Xoxo
    Barbara

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  13. Mary, the love you create, the support you give - honestly, talking about taking up space and resources is an insult to the people in your family who need you. My mother was anxious and somewhat problematic in certain ways, as I am, god knows, and my life fell apart when she died at 57. What would I give to have had her around at 63? To have seen her hair go grey all the way?

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.