The Firespike is coming into its own right now, shining in the morning sunlight as if it were lit from within.
It's absolutely a beautiful morning and I am planning a day of being outside and trimming the confederate jasmine and maybe thinning the seedings which have come up in the garden and I don't know what but all good stuff and my anxiety is thrumming through me like a taut string stretched too tight in the wind. It is singing a constant note which hurts my ears and roils my gut.
It's okay. It's just a feeling.
I sure wish this feeling would fuck off. My life is too beautiful to be messed with like this. I get so angry at myself for this sort of ridiculousness. Or at least the part of me that won't let me enjoy the incredibly simple miraculous gifts of my existence.
It's so odd. It's so hard. It's so wrong.
I think, however, it may be best to just live with it when I can and it would seem that I always can, one way or another and for that, too, I am grateful.
it is gorgeous out today isn't it? wish I could be out in it but today is my day at the store. I'll have tomorrow though. I need to get my firespike in the ground or a bigger pot.
ReplyDeleteI'd put it in the ground, Ellen. Although you might want to wait for spring.
DeleteAs you said, it's just a feeling. Maybe try to think of it as the Buddhists do -- a temporary, subjective state. An unreality. If that helps.
ReplyDeleteThat's what I'm always trying for. Sometimes I am less successful than other times.
DeleteI try to imagine I'm surfing it like a wave. Wooaaahhh! Ride the adrenaline as if it's excitement instead of panic. Does it work? I dunno. Maybe a little sometimes. It's a way to recognise that it's just a feeling, I suppose.
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