Saturday, December 7, 2013

Where DID I Put Those Big Girl Panties?

It's a Saturday morning and I've already been deserted by my man for the rest of the day and the night. Deserted like an old mining town. Deserted like a desert highway. Deserted like a dessert bar at a carboholoic-recovery rehab facility.
I just made all that shit up.
Not the part about being deserted.

It's all right. I gave him my full and heartfelt permission. Not that he needed that but I did. An old friend whom he hasn't seen in awhile asked him up to his lake house for a day of bream fishing and an evening of...well, I have no idea. It will be manly, I am sure, and will involve Tito's vodka.
I wonder if they'll show each other pictures of their grandchildren from their phones.
That could happen.

So here I am, deserted on the muggiest day you can imagine and Elvis wants to be let out and he keeps hollering at me. Men! It's always their agenda, right? Well, okay, sure. Not like I have anything else I have to do. I guess I'll just pull up my big girl panties and get some shit done around here. Fun shit like cleaning the shit out of the hen house and whacking down the dead bananas and cutting back the dead phlox and picking up all the downed sticks and branches and doing the laundry.
Then for some real fun, I'll sweep the porches!

Oh yeah, it really stinks on this back porch. For those of you who were wondering about my dead rodent situation. I think about all the maggot activity going on under my house and in my walls and I just, well, I just have to accept it and move on and keep the fly swatter at hand.
Maggots=Flies, y'all.

There was a scene in that movie I watched yesterday that I'm thinking about at this second. The main character's friends had all deserted him (that word again) after they discovered he had AIDS. This was in a bar and they called him all sorts of pussy-names and wouldn't let him sit by them and after he spit on a few, he left the bar and on his way out, he turned and gave them the finger and said, "Fuck alla y'all!"

Why am I thinking of this scene? I don't know. I don't feel like telling a room full of homophobic rednecks "Fuck alla y'all!" Do I?

Nah. It's just muggy and I really need to get out there in it and tidy up this yard and I guess I'm not really in the mood. I have no idea what I'm in the mood for but that's another story and another issue and the leaves are falling and scented candles DON'T DO SHIT TO COVER UP THE ODOR OF DEAD AND DECAYING RODENTS and that's my household tip of the day.

You are welcome.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. Well, I certainly don't envy you the job of cleaning out the hen house. Oh gawd.
    I think if I ever had to do that again I'd need a respirator, or at LEAST a good dust mask. It was one of my little "helping" jobs when I was in my teens. Fun times. Not.
    Good luck.

  2. We had flypocalypse this fall, thanks to the second dead squirrel stuck in the flue of the chimney. I was beside myself. For the record, nothing, and I mean nothing masks the smell. Husband also makes industrial deodorizers and they all have a citrusy smell and dead came right through it. The good news is in another week or two all this will be a faded bad memory. Time is all that worked for me with the mice in the walls. The dead squirrels were another story, and a cost a fortune to fix the chimney so it never happens again. Once was enough, twice was unbelievable.
    Sympathies and commiserations.

  3. Men need those bro alliances. I watch my husband and my son and I see how they are bolstered in their sense of their own "manliness" by them, even if they do nothing more than yell at a ball game or knock back a few. I think they might need it as much as we women need each other. And now I am off to meet my woman friend and desert my husband because I need that woman bonding time. I wish we lived closer. I would come over and sit with you on your porch and maybe we'd knock back a few and maybe yell at the world fuck all y'all! And we wouldn't miss the men because we'd know they're coming back soon enough.

    Ps what's going with the word verifications? They are freakin impossible to read! Trying again. Seventh time! Love.

  4. I myself am having a "fuck alla ya'll!" kind of day, actually.

  5. Oh Ms. Moon, I love you. Fun shit! I don't know if you remember the time flies hatched in my bathroom drain, and one morning there were suddenly dozens and dozens of flies in there? And I screamed like Tippi Hedren. Anyway. Fuck alla y'all serves its purpose, doesn't it? Sometimes it just does.

  6. Bob- Chicken shit smells far better than dead rats. Just sayin'....

    Mel- Almost all of us have been here and if we haven't, well, LUCKY, LUCKY, LUCKY! Incense works better than scented candles, I have discovered. For a while, at least.

    Angella- I'm afraid I've said, Fuck alla y'all to the world today. I'm IN for the duration. But you are so right about men and their need for other men and women and our heartbonds which are completely necessary.

    Elizabeth- Come sit here on the Fuck alla y'all bench next to me.

    Ms. Vesuvius- I had forgotten that! Jesus. The things we put up with here on Planet Earth.
    And survive.

  7. Angella- Google better straighten this Verification Word shit OUT and I mean it. It sucks.

  8. "Fuck alla y'all" is pretty much one of my favorite expressions. I've been known to say it and I don't even have much of a Southern accent, which makes it sound much more authentic. I don't think people in England even know what I'm saying. (Well, they know the "fuck" part.)

    I understand the desertion. Dave has concerts both today and tomorrow. I am doing laundry and dog duty. Yay.

  9. Fommit. That's word verification. I declare it to mean Fuck alla y'all, oh my, and damnit. Had to get a tire fixed in the pouring rain before I could bring my mom home from the hospital. Now the wind is goin' nuts.
    Better all this than dead rodents though.

  10. So, what's wrong with telling homophobic rednecks "Fuck alla y'all?". I think it's quite appropriate, considering their behavior.

  11. Steve Reed- Ah- the DESERTION! It's sort of great and it sort of sucks, right.
    You have to go see that movie and see the way MacConaughey says "Fuck alla y'all". It is AUTHENTIC!

    Denise- Oh my god, honey. I would totally rather deal with the smell of dead rodents than all of that. I hope your mama has a good night, back at home.

    Ashley- Hell yeah. If I was in a bar with a bunch of redneck homophobes, I would totally say that. But I'm not in any sort of bar. Or, anywhere at all but my house. I do sort of want to tell my dogs, "FUCK ALLA Y'ALL!" but they wouldn't even care.

  12. I said it wrong! Fuck alla y'all! There. And with a southern accent in my head. Now I have to see the movie.

  13. Angella- Same-same. It's a movie that will capture you. I think. jared Leto, as I said, was freaking amazing, and that was not meant to take anything away from Matthew.

  14. I think you're blessed beyond all reason. Snap out of it! You have the love and care of your man, children, extended family and legions of friends. There's a world of folk truly living on the edge in desperate isolation.

  15. Anonymous- Well, thank you! You have definitely put me in my place and opened my eyes. I am sure I will never suffer from melancholia or depression or anxiety again in my life.
    Too bad you couldn't leave your name so that I could thank you more personally.

  16. That movie was so good. Every moment totally worth it.

    And you are right--nothing covers up the smell of decomposing flesh. Hopefully, the gaseous explosion will occur soon and all will be okay again.


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.