It's cold today and my joints creak and ache but it's clear and the backyard has a new carpet of gold and ruby leaves and I feel like yesterday I made a small but very important leap of growth in my heart about something, an awareness and acknowledgement of sorts which seems to have opened some windows therein, let a little more light shine through its chambers. A letting go of something that I have held on to so fiercely for too long when it did me no good and probably harm and it wasn't helping anyone at all.
I have said it before and I will say it again- it's all about light and love- but I will freely admit that as simple as that is, it is not easy for some of us. Most of us, I think.
To turn away wrath, as it were.
Wrath can feel so good. It can feel so righteous. It can fuel and propel us but do we want to go where it leads us?
Sometimes I think that all of science and all of religion and all of poetry is nothing but our way of trying to figure out our own hearts and its desires. To try and train and chain them, to try and let them fly and flee.
I know. I'm not making any sense.
The boys are coming back today as I said yesterday and I need to figure out some fun stuff to do with them that doesn't involve Tom and Jerry cartoons or Sponge Bob either. What interests Owen doesn't have much charm for Gibson and vice versa. Well, exploring the bamboo jungle does and hitting trees with big sticks makes them both happy. What IS it about boys hitting trees with sticks? Big sticks, twigs. Doesn't matter.
I don't know. It is just a thing. A basic, primal thing and today I feel as if doing only the most basic primal things is what I'd like to do. Not hitting trees with sticks but things like cooking and loving and letting the sunlight fill my eyes and leak into my heart and bones.
I think I'll go take a walk into this light-filled day. I feel at peace, I feel blessed. I do not take that for granted.