I am so glad I've got that appointment with the dentist this morning. The swelling is increasing. Not so much pain for which I'm grateful. I have had so few dental problems in my life that I'm baffled, I'm worried, I'm ridiculous.
Yesterday was so bad that I spent part of it in bed. It was so bad that I considered the possibility of going back on medication. It was so bad that I wondered how and when and where I fell back into the abyss. One bad moment leading to one bad day leading to one bad week...
Fucking brain chemistry.
And here it is, New Year's Eve day. Are you going to put on your finery and sip champagne from a crystal flute? Are you going to dance and laugh and stay up until the New Year is firmly in place?
We're not. The very thought makes me shudder.
I think the boys are going to come and spend the night so that Lily and Jason can have a night alone. If all goes as planned. They've had a little bug or something and haven't been feeling that well but hopefully, they'll be better today. Maybe we'll build a fire and Boppy can cook hamburgers on the grill. I don't know.
I really don't know much. I do know that I wish I had words from a calm heart to give to you, to myself. I wish I could say something succinct and wise, something warm and loving about what a New Year means, this one in particular, about plans for opening the heart, the soul, the mind, improving the odds for joy. But I seem not to. The sky is slate gray again, it is chilly. I am holding myself in tightly against...it all?
We shall see, won't we? What this year brings.
Meanwhile, it is the last day of one of the strangest years of my life and we go on and the camellias are absurdly bright against the gray and I wish that I believed that a number on a calendar had the magic to make everything new with the tick of the hand on the clock.
Stay safe, y'all.