Saturday, December 31, 2022

The Loss Of A Life

Ross died this morning around 2:00 a.m. 
That was his name. Ross Dormon. Winter Haven boy, son of a doctor, grew up on a lake as all good Winter Haven boys and girls do. Handsome as the day is long. Could make a woman feel like the most beautiful thing on the planet with a word and yet his words never felt sleazy or weird or inappropriate. Just...I see you. You are beautiful. He loved women. Women loved him. I knew so many women who had known him and not one of them had anything to say about him that was bitter or angry in any way. My mama met him once and after he left she said, "Who was THAT?" 

Okay, okay. That's not exactly what I meant to write about Ross. He was so much more than a man with the gift of seeing the beauty in women of all ages, shapes, and shades and then reflecting that beauty back on them so that they could see it too. Men loved Ross too. Our friend Tom is devastated. Mr. Moon cried at the news that he was gone. There was just something about him. 

Jessie told me this morning that she always liked seeing Ross. That he seemed to have such good energy. And he did. He wasn't one of those people who seem determined to spread good cheer and sparkly unicorn rainbows. He had extremely negative opinions when it came to politics, to the government. He had good reason to be. Before he died he sued the government for compensation for his exposure to Agent Orange and he won a settlement. Not much and of course it didn't save his life but I think he was proud to have done it. It was a way for him to feel that the bastards had admitted wrong-doing. Finally and at last. 
But no matter what he said, no matter what he was talking about, he had a way of talking in that slow, southern voice of his that calmed and soothed the ear, the soul. He always spoke with a tone of bemusement and amusement. He was as quick to point out the good as he was to flay the evil. 
He saw the beautiful. He saw the humor. But he saw the darkness. I think he carried some of that darkness within him and I think that women saw that and had a yearning to ease it. 
I don't know. 
I don't know much. 
I know he was incredibly intelligent and that he was probably one of the first people in Florida to be enrolled in the Medical Marijuana program. I saw him outside of Costco once and he showed me the vape pen that he had in his pocket, told me he was legal now. 
"What were you diagnosed with?" I asked him. The whole idea was still novel to me. 
"Anxiety," he drawled in his Ross voice. "Anxiety that I'll run out of weed." 
I know that after he got home from SE Asia, he became as anti-war and as counter-culture as anyone could be. When he became older, he grew his beard long and braided it. It was regal. He looked like a wizard.
I know that he loved good food and that when he was undergoing chemo for one or another of the cancers he had he hated the fact that he couldn't eat sushi while he was on it. His wife was a gourmet cook and Lord, I bet she loved to feed him. 

He did a series of short recordings for PBS about the Viet Nam War. I'm going to try to embed them here. I may have linked to them before. 










There are more. You can go HERE and find them if you want. 
You don't have to watch them. Or maybe watch a minute just to hear that voice I was talking about. After all these years, no one really wants to talk about Viet Nam. Or more accurately, no one really wants to hear about it. I do not know one person who went there who did not come back changed and not in a good way. But I think that Ross took what life had given him and did with it the very best that anyone could have. 

Such a strange post for the last day of 2022 and yet- well, here we are. We got some rain and after it was over I went out and used my Christmas loppers and pruners. I cut down the bananas, dead in their stalks and leaves, chunked them up and hauled them to the part of the yard where we dump such things. I trimmed the Confederate rose and the Canary Island date palms. I also unleashed Ralph who has learned to gain access to the kitchen over the shelf of a threshold. 
I could not be more proud of him if he were my pet dog who had learned to roll over, shake hands, and stay on command. 
I have made a soup and a loaf of bread. Therapy and gift and warmth and sustenance all in one. 

I have no desire to write an end-of-the-year post. I have already written an end-of-the-life post. In a way. 
I don't really put much stock in the divisions between years anyway. Life and time do not care at all how we label them. 
And yet label them we do. Otherwise, all would be chaos, I suppose. Or to be more accurate, more chaotic than it is now. 

If I had a New Year's wish it would be that we all cherish what we have this moment. Our loves, our lives. Ain't none of it going to last forever. Drink deeply of it while you can. 
I think Ross would have agreed with that. 

Rest in peace, dear man. There was no one else like you. I doubt there ever will be. 

Love...Ms. Moon


34 comments:

  1. 37paddington:
    Oh Mary, what a light has been list from our world. Yes his voice, like slow honey, but his humanity is searing, his recognition of what was right and what was stupid and immoral and wrong, and the ironies. He’s a poet, too, God ripping the world in the sound of all those guns. I am glad he made these tapes. I listened, mesmerized. In the tapes, in your loving post, he lives on. And now I know him too. Thank you for that. Thank you. I am so sorry for your loss.

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    1. Thank you for listening, my darling friend. You got it. You got it all.

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  2. Oh my, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of dear friend Ross. My heart goes out to you and to all his family and extended family. I think this was a perfect *end of year* post in many ways......... endings..reflections, and then anticipations of new beginnings. Ross sounds like someone I would have loved to have known. You are all blessed to have been so lucky to have known each other. I lift my glass to Ross tonight....and to you
    Susan M

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    1. I don't know anyone who knew Ross who wasn't glad to know him. You would have liked him too, I am sure.
      I feel so lucky that I did know him. Can't believe he's gone.

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  3. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. xx

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  4. If we were born in the forties or the fifties, we knew Ross. We knew him if he was drafted in the mid-fifties or the seventies. I know we think of it less only because there are fewer of us each year.
    Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.

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    1. Yes. Exactly. We knew and we know and we remember.

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  5. Just those few clips show what a beautiful, gentle man he was. His concern for the current men fighting other godforsaken wars was palpable. If only every one could hear his voice and listen to his words.
    May 2023 be good to you, dear Mary, and bring you and yours peace, happiness and love to fill your cups til overflowing.
    Give Ralph a biscuit. He is a good dog.

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    1. He hated war. Hated it. And of course it wasn't just from a theoretical or philosophical perspective.
      Happy 2023 to you too, Ms. Merlot, and your comment about giving Ralph a biscuit made me smile. I would if I could!

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  6. I don't know what to say, I haven't watched the videos yet. I can hope that 2023 brings you and yours health and happiness.

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    1. You don't have to watch those videos. They may absolutely what you do not need to watch, dear River.

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  7. I will listen to the tapes he made. I am sorry he had to fight in Vietnam and be exposed to Agent Orange and get cancer. I am glad you and Mr. Moon and your friends had him in your lives.
    I am wishing you peace and joy and love in 2023.

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    1. He was a force in his own gentle, kind way, even when when he was so sick. Something very bright burned in him.

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  8. I'm so sorry your friend had died. You're right, he had a lovely voice. Wars destroy people in a multitude of ways. WW11 destroyed the part of my father that would have let him be tender. Nothing good comes from war.

    Take care. Sending you hugs and love.

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    1. I hate that for your father and for you. You are so right. Nothing good comes from war.

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  9. I have never thought to consider bread making as therapy, but it is, it truly is. I am sorry for the loss of your friend.

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    1. Almost anything I do in the kitchen in the way of creating feels like therapy to me.

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  10. My god. He looks like Brad Pitt will look in 20 years. And I see the attraction. He was a man who lived his conscience, didn't he?

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  11. This was a wonderful tribute to a dear friend. I am sorry that his year had to end this way and very sorry for the loss to all his loved ones including you and Glenn.

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    1. Thank you, e. Well, every year ends some way. They can't all be joyful ways, I guess.

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  12. I watched part of the video. Ross has kind, all-seeing eyes. RIP Ross!

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    1. Absolutely- those eyes. So calming, so all-seeing.

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  13. A lovely way to honour Ross Dormon and bid him a fond farewell. He seemed to understand very clearly what The Vietnam War was really all about.

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  14. FRESCA here: Aw, man, that’s a punch in the solar plexus. I watched the first of the videos —(want to watch the others too—that was the war of my childhood of course)—and Ross is so …alive, you can feel his body heat. And yet, so chill.
    Good timing, leaving with the year… (or maybe I’m romanticizing—there’s nothing about agent orange—still…)
    And on we go into 2023…
    Break out the black-eyes peas, and may we all get through with some grit and grace❤️
    Xo Fresca (taking something of a blog break on my blog)

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    1. Girl, I got black-eyed peas and greens cooking right now. There will be rice, too. You bet.
      Thanks for letting me know about your blog break. I was about to worry! Should I worry? I always worry.
      Thank you for your words about Ross.

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    2. Fresca here. No, no, not to worry! Also ate black-eyed peas, so all shall be well.

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  15. We are at the time of our lives when people start leaving us. It was a lovely remembrance.

    I haven't done my banana trees yet or the confederate roses. May not today either since it's mimosas with brunch day. And then probably a nap. Happy New Year Mary.

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    1. There was a nap here too, today! Always nice.
      Yes. We are losing the ones we love who are our age. At least the ones we haven't already lost. Another part of aging that just hurts.

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  16. Trained to kill!!!! I read his story and have watched three of the videos that you posted. I will watch the others when I feel that my heart, that broke again while watching him, can take another beating. How sad and how horrible. That Fuckin' war!!! I was one of those protestors and one of those arrested few. I have, and will, for the remainder of my life apologize to the veterans of that fiasco that I was not protesting them but the government who taught them to kill and not care. That fuckin' war!!! To me, the worst thing that happened to our America as we knew it was that we learned that our leaders could and would lie to us. Over and over! And, I do not believe that we have ever recovered from that realization. May he rest in peace.

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    1. I think you are right- we did indeed learn that our leaders not only could lie to us but very much did and that they didn't mind doing it, even if it cost the lives of millions of "ours" and "theirs". I am proud of you for protesting. Proud of you for being arrested. Wear that as a badge of honor.

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  17. Mary, I am so sorry to hear about your friend's death. I watched the videos, and he is a remarkable man -- beautiful in spirit and body. Listening to him reminds me of the incredible voice of Tim O'Brien in "The Things They Carried." Have you read that? I teach it to any high school student who expresses interest in reading it as I think it one of the great American pieces of fiction (although it is based on O'Brien's tour in Vietnam. Ross could have been one of those soldiers -- I'm sending you so much love as you deal with his loss.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.