Gosh. Yesterday was just such an emotional day. First thing was that when I went to get the clothespin bag from the pump house, I found that egg- Grace's last- in the wooden crate with hay in it that the hens sometimes laid in.
So I began my day with a few tears.
And then later on, at lunch with Jessie and Vergil, we began to talk about Cozumel and that started the tsunami that I spoke of last night. The idea that we may have had our last visit there overwhelmed me and I lost my ability to speak as I tried to convey my feelings about the island that I fell in love with in 1987 and how much it has meant to me in my life. The magic that I feel drenched and wrapped in, that I breathe in and walk in and swim in and take in while I am there is something I've never experienced anywhere else.
When I am there I feel an essentialness of my soul as if everything else has been burned away in a cleansing flame and I am simply Mary. And I think that my husband undergoes a similar transformation although he would never say that. We are just...us, stripped of the titles that we use to define ourselves in "real" life.
We are Mary and Glen and we love each other so very much. And I love that island so much.
And we may well go back again but just as the island has changed radically in the thirty-five years we've been visiting, so have we. We are not young thirty-year olds. We are not even forty or fifty or young sixty. Age has changed us as surely as cruise ships and Americans have changed that sleepy little island that was known mostly to divers. There are physical challenges for us now. There are mental challenges for me now.
Anyway, last night I just broke down, or the walls I'd been holding all these thoughts and memories within broke down and Glen was at the coast to go fishing and I was so glad to be alone because he would have felt so bad and tried to make me feel better and I did not need to feel better.
I just needed to feel.
He's home now and I'm tearing up again, writing this. I'll dry my eyes though.
It's been a very good day. I was lazy this morning and then I made a sort-of frittata with greens from the garden and potatoes and onions and peppers and cheese and eggs, one of which was Grace's last. I did a float test on it and it passed beautifully. It's amazing how long eggs will stay fine and fit to eat outside of the refrigerator if they are not washed and processed.
And then I went to Lily and Lauren's house as yesterday was Lauren's birthday and Lily wanted to have a little brunch for her. Hank and Rachel were there, Jessie, Vergil, their boys, Owen, Gibson, and darling Maggie who put her own lipstick on.
We ate outside because the weather is perfect right now. It was a sweet time and the kids all played together until it was time for Jason to come and pick up the Hartmann kids to take to the Winter parade in Tallahassee. Before they left though, we all sang Happy Birthday and Lauren blew out the candles on the beautiful cake Lily made her.
37paddington:
ReplyDeleteI understand so well the feelings that overwhelmed you about Cozumel, about all the experiences that are in the past, the flood gates opened by that one last egg. But you will go to Cozumel again, I think. It will be different perhaps but it will still feed your souls. Hold the possibility in your heart. And what a beautiful family time you had at Lily and Lauren’s. What a little beauty Maggie is with her perfect red lip. Life is so good and sweet and yet it still aches sometimes. Maybe it just means we’re alive. I love you.
I will take your advice and hold the possibility of going back in my heart. I honestly cannot tell you how emotional just the thought of Cozumel makes me. I honestly can not talk about it without choking up.
DeleteI do have a beautiful family and I am so grateful for them.
I love you too.
Things have been building up for a long time. The cracks were there. I am so glad you were able to have a cathartic cry. And what a wonderful day to follow.
ReplyDeletePhew! The cracks were most certainly there. And that was the best cry I've had in years and years and years.
DeleteI'm glad today was better, but you did need to go through yesterday. And you're dealing with the reality of your situation now as well as the changes at Cozumel. You've got this.
ReplyDeleteLovely party lovely couple, lovely kids!
some genius said - "the only thing certain is change". I hold that and try like hell to roll with it. You will have happiness , whittled down to the bone of Mary and Glen- it may not be in Cozumel-but it is there. Maybe not days in the sea and sun- Maybe in the bathtub...I get it though, I have had those pangs of "Is that all there is?"
ReplyDeleteMs. Maggie looks ever so festive with her well applied lipstick, Elsie by her side looking star struck ! maggie is a star, no doubt!
Hank and I were talking about how we sometimes do a thing we've done perhaps hundreds of times, not realizing as we do it that it is the last time. That's a very poignant thought, isn't it?
DeleteAre we humans too hungry for what feeds us?
Elsie's name has been changed to Rosa. I suppose as Maggie has gotten to know her, she has given her a more appropriate name. They look good together, don't they?
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. I had a friend who died a few years ago. Both of her parents spent a lot of time in hospital and her daughter was diabetic. She'd been through a lot. Her advice to me, cry in the shower. She was always such a sweet woman.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you got to cry out of the shower and without your hubby feeling bad and trying to fix it. They mean well but it doesn't help.
I'm sending you hugs and love and wish we could sit and have a cup of tea on your porch. My porch is covered in damn snow:)
"Cry in the shower." Yes. That's good. Did you ever see The Big Chill? There's a scene where Glenn Close does that and it is beautiful and so sad.
DeleteI am feeling your hugs and I am sending my own back to you. My porch is covered in dust. But that's an eternal situation and so what?
Sometimes, it just feels so wonderful to just sit and have a good cry. Sometimes I couldn't even tell you why I am crying, but all I know is that sometimes the feelings get so large that the cry feels like a blessing.
ReplyDeleteYes. It's a good flushing for the eyes, the body, the soul. You are exactly right about the feelings getting so large.
DeleteOh, gosh, are you me? My face has been screwing up crying most of the day. Like you, kind of one blow after another lately. Better than coming on all protracted all throughout the year though, maybe. I guess.
ReplyDeleteThat lipstick. Yes i'm impressed. She could teach me a thing or two about being a fancy and elegant lady, i'll bet.
so sorry about Grace. She was special. Wish I could bring you some of ours! (Wouldn't be the same, but some happy layers at least!)
For wonderful and worse, places can evoke such strong emotions. Can totally relate to pining for places, far and changed. And/or having anxiety based on past experiences/future worries.
Your food always sounds so good. I'm impressed and in awe of your skills. Going to eat so much when i come to visit with Beth Coyote and Elizabeth. ;D Te amo.
*most of the day including at work. oops. lol.
DeleteOh, Ajax! You sweet good woman! I am so glad you are back in our lives at least in this way.
DeleteDo you think that everyone has a place that calls to them so strongly? I think we who do are lucky because while we were there, something so magical and powerful happened that it has created this response in us.
I'm sorry you've been in an emotional state too. Jeez. What's up with us humans? Perhaps it is simply the moon and the stars and the astral winds blowing across the esoteric plains. Ha!
Oh god. Now I have to start planning a menu for this visit. Ooh boy.
Te amo you too.
What a wonderful birthday day :) Miss Maggie is an expert already with the lipstick. Does she know the trick to keeping it off the teeth?
ReplyDeleteI am not sure about the teeth but she has not yet learned how to keep it from smearing all over the lower part of her face. She will. Being a fancy lady takes practice.
DeleteOh Mary, I can relate so much to your feelings about Cozumel. There are a small number of places, special places where we were happy and could "be", I will never be able to see again. For financial but mostly for health reasons. There are still days when I get very very homesick and I can be terribly jealous of people who travel there. But it is what it is.
ReplyDeleteWhile we were living in our African paradise, we met a man, who had just lost his wife and come back after 30 years. I guess he was then the age we are now - we thought he was old - and he came back to revisit places he and his wife had felt happy. He was terribly unhappy and could not bear to see what he felt were great changes since his time. I often think of him when we talk (idly) of going back for a visit. I would know this time that I'd never return and no, I don't want to experience that feeling. When we left many years ago, I was in tears, yes, but so much younger and didn't think it was a goodby for good.
Oh, your story of that man made me so sad. I have often wondered if I were in his position I would want to go back to Cozumel. Would I find sustenance there or would the grief of being there without my love simply kill me? I think the latter, truthfully.
DeleteAs I said above to Ajax, I guess in some ways those of us who long for places we may never return to is a reminder of how powerfully amazing our times there were. There is something way beyond the normal missing of a place that can happen. It is a true grief. I think it would be interesting to delve into this subject a bit more.
I am so sorry that you will probably never return to your African paradise. When I read your stories about your time there it just sounds so enchanting. And enchanted.
You said it all:
ReplyDelete"I did not need to feel better.
I just needed to feel."
Happy birthday to the Fabulous Lauren. I like her, from her pictures.
I think about Cozumel too. I love that place but it's been probably 20 years since I've been. I'd hate to think I'll never go back.
ReplyDeleteGo, Ellen! You will be overwhelmed with the changes but you will see the same sea, smell the same things, eat the same delicious food, talk to the same people (or at least their relatives).
DeleteYes, you did need to feel......and you are doing so, with the love of a beautiful family around you. it is all just too overwhelming at times..... isn't it? Love what 37Paddington said....... you are alive! And tomorrow (today) is another day
ReplyDeleteSusan M
Yes. We are alive and to be alive is to feel it all. I don't know any way around that.
DeleteIt's good you got a chance to "get real" with your emotions. We all need that from time to time. I wouldn't rule out another visit to Cozumel. Anything can happen. :)
ReplyDeleteI love the matching dog hoodies. Where are the "Dam" t-shirts from?!