Thursday, December 1, 2022

Questions. They Have Questions


I had a good day with my boys but besides that, it's been a hard day. Being with August and Levon was good. They require my attention and I gladly give it to them. But I'm sure they could tell I wasn't all there. But I kept them alive and hydrated and there were animal crackers and we did read the book about the Managing Hen and it was exciting and I think they enjoyed it although August told me that if there was a shorter version, he might enjoy it more. 

Levon started off asking me many questions, none of which I could answer. The first was, "Mer- how were planets built?"
Okay then. 
You know, you sort of think you know how things work. You go to school, you read some books, you go to college and take physics, and so forth. And then your five-year old grandson asks you how planets were built and you find yourself wondering how in hell they WERE built and trying to come up with a halfway accurate response and finally saying, "You know what, Levon? I have no idea." 
I babbled on about space rocks and the gravitational pull of the sun and then I said, "Ask your daddy."
This reminded me of when Maggie asked me during the Grandparent's Day lunch how human beings came to be. I actually had more of a clue about that but still...
I can't remember many of the other questions Levon asked me but I do remember that I basically did not know the answer to any of them. One of them was how does the car know when there's something or someone moving behind it and how does it know to make that beeping sound? This one I referred him to his grandfather on but I said something about motion sensors and lights that come on when something moves below them and so I suppose that they could hook up a beeper noise just as well as a light. 
Sigh. 
Oh yeah! He asked me, "How does Santa get his magic?" This question came after he told me that he wants to be Santa when he grows up. I did not feel too bad about not knowing the answer to that one. Plus, I'm too old to be making up shit about the Santa myth. Believe it or don't, kid, but don't worry overmuch. 

And then when I picked up August he asked me how much my car had cost. Again- ask Boppy. "Was it used?" "Yes, yes it was." So I was doing better there. 
But overall I've come away feeling as if I know nothing, nothing at all, and even if I do, none of it is anything that a child wants to know. 




But I do know that I have beautiful grandchildren and that they are exactly as smart and curious as they should be. I suppose that children want to know that their grandmother believes that about them and I think that my grandchildren do know that. 

The hard part of the day has been anxiety. It is "playing up again" as you Brits say or as I say, Fuck this shit I hate it with all my heart and soul and mind and blood and bones and it is not anxiety it is terror.

Well. I suppose I should just "sit with it" as they say and if I ever say that to anyone please shoot me. 
I actually heard an "expert" on a podcast talk about what a gift anxiety is because blah, blah, bullshit blah, and I thought to myself that that woman has never had real anxiety. That statement is right up there with god never gives you more than you can handle and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

In the meantime, I'm sure all will be well and this is just a fluke, a reaction to some stuff, a temporary state of affairs and I hope to plant some garlic this weekend and work on Maggie's blanket and right now I need to make a salad with greens I picked this morning and stir the spaghetti sauce I started before I picked up Levon and boil some pasta and oh! I hear that Oprah's Favorite Things List is out and I've just checked it and I probably should order some handwoven plates ($98 from Amazon) or perhaps the Musee Words of Encouragement Soap Set ($45 from Amazon) and for sure and without a doubt, Oprah's own The Life You Want Daily Inspiration Cards ($49.95 from Amazon). 

I'd rather just look at this picture. ($0 from my iPhone which yes, did cost money but it also has google where I can, theoretically find out all the answers that Oprah may not address.)


Love...Ms. Moon







41 comments:

  1. Hand woven plates? Number one on my wish list. Hahaha.
    In what parallel universe does that woman reside?

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    1. The one where she has an entire orchard and farm in her backyard and the people to take care of it. And her.

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  2. Looks like you have two monkeys in the back of that pick-up truck! Apropos
    of nothing, the term "Brit" is alien to me. I have never used it and I have no plans to ever use it in the future.

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    1. I'm sorry if I offended! Did I use "playing up" correctly?
      Those boys are monkeys.

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    2. Yes you did use "playing up" correctly, I prefer "Limey" to "Brit" but Britt Ekland was pretty cute.

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    3. Noted. And yes, Britt Ekland was a wonder.
      Side note: Yesterday when I was with Levon in Publix, our grocery store as you know by now, I picked up a can of Mushy Peas and showed it to him. I said, "Do you know what this says?"
      "No," he said.
      "Mushy peas," I told him.
      He thought about that for a moment and then said, "Is there really pee in it?"
      I explained to him what it was. I really should have bought a can and tried them. I will, one of these days. I promise.

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  3. That last picture is definitely a keeper ... as is the boy in the picture! You do have beautiful grandchildren!

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    1. It was the golden hour- perfect for a picture.

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  4. sunshine children. It is OK to say "I don't know" I say it all of the time- or "google it", lets me off the hook and then I google it for future questions. Anxiety , I know nothing. I have friends who have been paralyzed by it - I know that they are undone by it. Worse than pot paranoia - not even comparable.

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    1. I do google things that the kids ask about that I don't know. A few weeks ago Levon and I went down a rabbit hole on pole-vaulting because we were reading a book about Buzz Aldrin who pole-vaulted early in his life. Levon told his dad when THEY were reading the book that he though that Aldrin wanted to be an astronaut because he loved flying into the air when he was pole vaulting.
      I love it!
      Anxiety is the suck of the suck of the suckiest suck. And yes- way worse than pot paranoia and pot paranoia is why I quite using it. I must have a tendency towards it.

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  5. I wrote a long comment, hit the wrong button and lost it. I also lost the comment. I agree that people who say rubbish like not being given more than you can handle have never been stressed beyond endurance. If they had they'd be more respectful. That said, I'm very sorry you're having a bad day. I hope the impossible questions st least took your mind off it a bit.

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    1. The impossible questions did indeed help. And I know that people are just trying to be helpful when they say things like not getting more than you can handle, etc., but it really doesn't help. And it does not help to hear some freaking psychiatrist call anxiety a gift either. At all.

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  6. I thought how the world might be a better place without me, it would certainly be for me, and then I read a book to Jack about how he's the perfect person and there's a reason for him to be here and I couldn't stop crying. Gracie has been all up in my business today and I had to block her. If I could walk away, I would.

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    1. I know you would. I don't know a woman alive who hasn't had the thought of just...taking...off. Ann Tyler has written a book or two about that. I used to fantasize about it a lot when my children were young. But I didn't and you won't. Bless you, darling. Hugging you tightly.

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  7. Really nice photos. I'm sorry your day was so tough.

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  8. 37paddington:
    What amazing photos of those boys you took today. Each one posted here is a work of art. You could frame them as a triptych and give to their parents as a Christmas gift. A professional photographer could not come close to what your loving eye has immortalized here. I’m really sorry about the anxiety. It truly sucks. And yet. Even as it stalked you, you made art. Those boys minds are already busy cracking the codes of our universe. Feed ‘em, love ‘em, and make way.

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    1. "Feed 'em, love 'em, and make way." God, I love that. The light was perfect for those photos. The real true golden hour.

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  9. Do you find your anxiety is worse this time of year? I do and I really don't know why. I hope the garlic planting grounds you and you find all the answers to all the questions little boys love to ask.

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    1. My anxiety, these days, seems to be triggered by different things. Christmas is always hard for me though. Depression is my usual response. I simply hate the holiday. I used to not admit that out of guilt but I'm over that phase. There is no reason at all I need to like Christmas. But it still affects me. There is no doubt.

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  10. That's the only problem with grandchildren; they are always smarter than the previous generation and want to know more at an earlier age. My mother was fond of saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

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    1. Well, good for your mother. Mine would say, "Keep your chin up!" Right. So helpful.
      Children have such a need to fill up the vast bank of their brains with the richness of knowledge and information, don't they? It's absolutely astounding.

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  11. The grandchild asked something similar about Santa and I replied, I really don't know much about Santa. Grandchild: Maybe that's because you know so much other stuff.
    We left it at that.

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    1. What a beautiful reply from your grandchild! I love it!

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  12. The photos of your amazing grandsons are amazing. I'm sorry you're going through an anxiety bout. It's vicious, and I hope you can ask your family, Mr. Moon, those children to just treat you with extra love.

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    1. I am pretty good about telling my loves that I'm going through it. I don't really ask for help but I let them know why I may not be as present. They understand.

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  13. I found myself trying to explain to my 10 yr old grandson why a lot of people didn't like the politician Matt Hancock for going on the reality show " I am a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here". It has finished now and he came 3rd. much to everyone's surprise! Some people liked him. He actually came across as quite a pleasant fellow in the jungle.
    I think that it is a shame that the lovely girl who won, Jill Scott, an England football player, didn't get the normal amount of media coverage as it was all about Matt Hancock!

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    1. I've never watched that show. I can see how it would be interesting though.

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  14. I had just read Linda Sue's blog before coming here. She'd posted a picture of Mars, it being closer to Earth than usual, and visible. I'd thought of a friend who's been in a state the past few days, and I wondered--though I know astrology is not science--if Mars was making her anxious.
    Then I read your post...
    One might hope it is Mars because it is receding!

    At any rate, yeah--I actually turned off comments recently when someone said something like "just be joyous" and I couldn't bear the possibility of reading such rubbish again, feeling a bit shaky myself.

    I used to write nonficiton for kids, and it was the HARDEST writing because you had to write declarative sentences with direct verbs: Y did Z.
    And damned if I knew who did what! (At least we didn't have to say Y (why))
    "The Civil War happened"?
    OH no, it had to be "XYZ started the Civil War."

    I've been meaning to answer your question about your novels--yes--are they available in e-form?

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    1. "Just be joyous." Fuck, fuck, FUCK that. And people who say, "Every morning when I get up I decide to choose happiness." That really pisses me off. Who the hell wouldn't choose happiness over depression or anxiety if they could? When people say things like that they are only adding guilt to the mix because there is part of us that thinks, well, yeah. Maybe I am capable of that and I'm just not trying hard enough.
      I'd rather blame Mars. Astrology is strange. I do not believe in it but sometimes things get a little weird when perceived through its lens. Like...really? Maybe?
      You know, I've never thought about how children's nonfiction would have to be written like that. Why? Does that sort of thing not dampen the ability to hold more than one thought at a time? It would be impossible for me to write within those constraints.
      No, none of my novels are published anywhere. You can read my "e-book" though. It is on Amazon. That link doesn't work anymore and I need to redo it. I see that there is an audio version for free. Huh. I've never listened to it.

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    2. Ah, yes, I tried the e-link to your book and saw, as you say, it is broken--if you have some way to share your writing, I'd be interested to read it.
      Maybe for another day, when Mars has receded, you could post a short story, if you have one, in a tab here, I think they will hold as much as you like.

      Writing direct sentences in kids nonfiction (or journalism) is a protection against b.s. -- so the author doesn't write, "It's just that way" to kids' questions, but says instead, "This is what we know", Or, "This is what we don't know", whichever is the truth.
      It helped me clean up my writing and my thinking a lot.

      I think you do write that way, actually---you are a very clear writer, a great storyteller---you are not a fuzzy obfuscator! :)

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  15. Anxiety sucks. I have actually been feeling more of it in recent months and years than I ever have before. I wonder if it has something to do with getting older and feeling more innately vulnerable. I swear even Olga is more anxious than she used to be.

    As for not knowing anything -- and sorry for making this all about age -- I think as we get older (and "gain wisdom," as they say) we realize how malleable and flexible knowledge is. What used to seem a set of simple facts now seems much more porous and complex. Or that's my theory, anyway. Sit with it! LOL

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    1. You know, I think that both men and women are more prone to suffer anxiety as they age. Even Mr. Moon who had never experienced it at all for his entire life started having bouts with it a few years ago. He rarely gets it but when he does, I can identify it before he does. He actually gets physical symptoms before he recognizes what's going on. It sucks, doesn't it?
      I absolutely agree with your comment about getting older and realizing how shallow the facts we have been taught about so many things are. I've been pondering that all day long. Sitting with it, you might say.

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  16. My 3 year old granddaughter is in the "Why" stage. No matter what we are talking about she will ask why and it continues through all explanations until we get to "Because!"
    Thanks for sharing your feelings with me, Mary. It helps.

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    1. I am glad that sharing my feelings helps. That makes it so worthwhile to do it.
      We all reach the BECAUSE answer at some point, don't we?

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  17. When I was going through the hell that was my marriage and somebody said "God never gives you more than you can handle" I remembered the (Mother Theresa, I think) quote that "well then I just wish he didn't trust me so much"!

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    1. Seriously. Mother Theresa (or whoever said that) was correct. And if you don't believe in god, it's a moot point anyway.

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  18. I think that those 'words of encouragement' are empty. They do not ring true. They are words people say when they don't want to hear you or don't know how to help. Or don't want to help. Or want to convince you that they've worked through similar stuff and for the low, low, price of xxxx, they can teach you how to work through it too. They are bullshit words and the world is full of bullshit, isn't it?

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    1. You're right- and sometimes I am sure that people say these things from a place of caring but as you said- they just don't know what to say. The world is full of bullshit and I think that just as with grandchildren's questions it is fine to answer, "I don't know," it is also fine to tell people who are suffering or grieving, "I wish I had words that could help. I don't." And then take the time to really listen.

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  19. What doesn't kill you makes your stronger. OK, though sometimes it makes you less able to deal with the next thing. I hope the anxiety lets up. That's a beautiful picture of August.

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    1. Yes. What doesn't kill you can fuck you up forever. And it can break you down, too.
      August is a beautiful boy, isn't he?

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.