Sunday, December 18, 2022

Breakdown, Go Ahead And Do It

The man is home, safe and sound. I sort of fell apart today. I suppose I did not realize how much I was holding on to stay together this past week. It's been a lot for me and I didn't realize it until he got home. So it has not been a particularly good day. In fact, I feel I've ruined it by my sadness. 

My poor husband has had to put up with my emotional crazies for all these years and I feel like I have gotten so much better in the last decade or so but sometimes something happens and all of my insecurities and unhelpful coping mechanisms come back in full force and there I am- a mess. At least though, I think I am better at identifying the emotion I'm actually feeling and don't go through the entire spectrum of them trying to find the one that makes me feel the least vulnerable. 
Well, theoretically, at least. 

So I've not only ruined his homecoming but Keithmas as well. 
Don't tell Keith, okay? I know he counts on my intergalactic good thoughts on his birthday. And it's not only his birthday, it's his wedding anniversary to his beloved Patti. Thirty-nine years. One year longer than Mr. Moon and I. I wonder if after all their years together, their joys and sorrows and illnesses and accidents, the children, the grandchildren, if sometimes Keith doesn't find himself wondering, as my husband does, What the fucking fuck? about his wife. 
I would truly be surprised if he did not. 

Well. 

Tomorrow will be a better day. And this week we have got to get my plants inside because although for the past few years, dragging them to the wall of the porch and covering them with sheets and blankets has kept them alive, we have not had temperatures down near twenty degrees which is what we're going to have this week. And let me tell you something- some of my plants, MANY of my plants, are bigger than a stove and heavier than one too. My plan is to just lay tarps down in the dining room and hallway and roll those behemoths in with a dolly. We will be living in a jungle-house. I wonder how many lizards and insects we will be bringing in with them. 

Sounds interesting. And a little wild. 
Life. 

Love...Ms. Moon

30 comments:

  1. You're going to have a house sized vivarium. I expect the cats will be fully occupied exploring their new housemates.

    I hope tomorrow will be better for you. I'm guessing Mr moon must not be all that taken aback. I mean, he's still around!

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    1. He is still around and so am I. I sometimes wonder how two people can figure out how to live together when all of us are so very different. And yet- we seem to want to so much and it is often the most precious thing we can do.
      I love the idea of the cats having fun with the critters that come in with the plants, even as I blanch at the idea of all the lizard chasing.

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  2. You could throw sheets over the plants and keep the bugs contained.
    Glad Mr. M is home; he needs to be dolly man.

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    1. I could but I feel like I'm going to have to let the plants get as much light as they can for the days/weeks? that they will be houseplants. And yes, Mr. Moon will be dolly man. Perhaps Owen will come and help us.

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  3. Some days are just worth closing the door on. I too hope that tomorrow is better. This is a tough season for many.

    Chris from Boise

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    1. Yes. I absolutely agree. And yet, as get older, we realize how few days we are willing to just let go. It's weird, isn't it?
      It is indeed a tough season for many.

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  4. I dunno, I am just eating fruit cake and drinking tea and celebrating Keith and the jolly snow outside. Thinking of you!

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    1. Thank you, love! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FchROOM25ao

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  5. sorry to hear and *feel* the heaviness of your day.....but as you said, you are feeling it and *know* it well. Mr Moon loves you and understands you...and those things are gifts themselves. Don't flog or doubt yourself! Tomorrow is another day and hopefully lighter for you......but all will be well. Your plants will survive....and so will you..... I lift my glass to you both
    Susan M

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    1. Thank you, Susan. I know everything will be fine. It's just one of those times.

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  6. I went to see the new Avatar movie, it's 3+ hours long and phenomenal and came home afterwards and fixed myself a Black Velvet and water highball!
    Yes, dearie ... tomorrow will be better for you and pretty much the same for me and most of us in here!

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    1. I could barely watch the first Avatar movie. I am just not made for movies like that. I know that many, many people are though and I'm glad you got to go and see it!

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  7. Some days it is better just to pull the covers up and stay in, I hope tomorrow is better.

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  8. Darling Mary, you were holding in a lot. It’s good to let it out now that you feel safe to do so, the man home safe and sound, his injured leg healing without complication, Christmas around the corner. Don’t worry, Keith understands. In fact I’m pretty sure he whispered to you that it was completely ok to release all the pent up emotions on his special day. Hugs dear friend. Here’s my hand.

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    1. Well- that's another thing. I'm not sure his leg IS healing. The surgeon said to "resume normal activities" but he's a surgeon. He needs to go back to his doctor. I am growing worried.
      Thank you for your hand. Always.

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  9. Tomorrow will surely be a better day. I like the idea of your house becoming a conservatory makes me smile. Sending hugs.

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  10. You held yourself together very well and are allowed a melt down. Hells bells, I know Mr Moon is a safe hunter but still, guns and being far away and vicious animals and then the stress of celebrating Keithmas in a way that he would approve - let alone the other lesser birthday on Saturday. You have had a lot to deal with. Now you can chase lizards and pretend they are alligators.

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    1. Or I could go down to the creek and chase REAL alligators.
      Nah. I would not do that.
      Yes. I am a very emotional person and that is not always a good thing. In fact- is it ever?

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  11. Sorry to hear you have had a bit of a meltdown but it's great that you can use your blog like a therapist - opening up and baring your soul. Just doing that must help you to get back on an even keel.

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    1. It does help to talk. And you know what? I do not ever want to have one of those blogs where everything is always unicorns and rainbows, daisies and sunshine. LIFE IS NOT LIKE THAT and to pretend it is is simply ridiculous.

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  12. The cats will have a field day with your imported lizards and insects! Sorry about the "meltdown" but I'm sure having Mr. Moon away took its toll, even without you realizing. Plus there's all this Christmas stress too. It is a crazy time of year -- a good time for a meltdown, it seems to me.

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    1. Yep. If you're going to have a meltdown, the week before Christmas is the proper time to do it!

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  13. It is great that you can talk it all out and share your feelings with us. You were so relieved to have Mr. Moon home safe and sound so I can see why you had pent up feelings to let out. Hope your plants will be fine and your family gatherings full of fun and laughter.

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    1. Thank you, Ellen. I am very glad to have the man home safe and sound. We'll do our best with the plants and gatherings.

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  14. Last winter i had three little tree frogs inside with me and miraculously they all survived. I know there's at least one anole in here this winter. And that's what I did yesterday, pruned back and brought in the big plants I had planned to leave outside. And some smaller ones.

    We're all entitled to a meltdown now and then and if this time of year doesn't bring one on, nothing does.

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    1. I imagine we will be bringing in a few frogs. They do love to live in the big bird's nest ferns and other plants like that. I just hope the cats leave them alone. Maurice had a lizard the other day and the lizard was not doing well.

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  15. One winter a frog came in and stayed with us, hibernating in a knothole in the bathroom (which was paneled in redwood). Earlier in the month I suddenly found a lizard swimming in the dishwater. I have no idea where it came from.

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    1. Sometimes the little tree frogs get into our house. The worst is when I find one practically dead, covered in dust and dry as a bone. Poor little things. I love the idea of a little frog hibernating in a knot hole in your bathroom.

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