Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Warning: Cursing Is Involved

When I woke up this morning and was getting my coffee, I heard the most mournful sound I think I've ever heard. I went to the back door to see what I was hearing. It was a woman in a red dress, walking down the misty road calling out, "Buddy! Buddy!" But she was doing it so that the Bud syllable was a G on the piano, the dy syllable a G flat. I went and found the notes. It was so minor in key, so mournful in tune. She was walking swiftly, crying out for her lost dog, I suppose. The same word, the same notes, over and over again.

While I was at Gatorbone, I was in constant awe at how well-behaved and lovely Lis and Lon's dogs Buck and Daisy are. Buck and Daisy are both black labs and they are huge and gentle and loving and they can be in the same room as a wedding cake for twenty-four hours and not even think about eating it.

My dogs can't be trusted to be in the same room alone with the salads on the table for two minutes. Setting the table in my house takes two people- one to set it and bring out the food, the other to keep the dogs from eating the food while the table is being set.

I was praising Buck and Daisy to Lon and Lis and then I said, "No. I do not even want to discuss how great your dogs are. I can't handle it." And I can't. And my dogs act the way they do because I have not trained them to be different. They are spoiled and rotten and I've already cleaned up one poop and three pees today. I think Buck and Daisy would explode before they peed or pooped in the house.

See that tiny dog up there doing a perfect yoga pose? He weighs about what? Six pounds? And yet, he can get under our bed at night and scratch and the entire bed moves as if he was the size of a Great Dane. How can this be? And he jumps off the bed and then he whines to be lifted back up onto it and then he jumps off and scratches some more. I think I got about four hours of sleep last night and he was 90% of the problem. This happens nightly and WHY do we let him sleep with us? Because I have no baby to sleep with, I suppose, and when he gets chilly and snorgles under the covers and cuddles up to the backs of my knees I love it.

When Mr. Moon is out of town, the other dogs know it and they also know that I will let them sleep with me. Pearl doesn't care so much to sleep with me unless it's raining, although Kathleen said that Pearl slept with her for part of the night when she was staying here. But dogs love Kathleen. No. They worship her. My dogs wouldn't bat an eye if she replaced us in their home. When I got back from being gone for three days they were slightly excited. Like maybe someone had returned a piece of furniture they like to sit on. They get a lot more excited when Kathleen comes over and when Mr. Moon gets home. All I am to them is the woman who feeds them, takes them to the groomer, cleans up their pee and poop.

I call them all sorts of names. Motherfucker is part of most of these names. Cocksucking motherfucker is a favorite endearment of mine which I use frequently to refer to them. This could explain their ambivalence towards me. Perhaps. Do you think?

I am constantly trying to figure out how to get rid of one or all of them. Except for Pearl. Time is taking care of that on its own and she is old and sweet. But the rest of them. Damn those little cocksucking motherfuckers and their peeing and pooping and bed shaking and food-snatching souls.

And yet, if one got out and disappeared, I know I would be walking down the road, calling for him. "Zekie," I would call. G, G flat. I would be panicked, I would be freaked, I would be so scared. I know because this has happened. The last time it happened, I found him next door, snuffling around in the church yard parking lot. "Oh Zeke!" I said and I scooped him up in my arms and I wasn't thinking about how he pees on every vertical thing in this house and I wasn't thinking about how he tortures me at night. I was only thinking about how he feels, snuggled up to me under the covers when it's chilly. I was only thinking that he was my baby and he had been lost and now he was found.

Fucking cocksucking motherfucking dogs. They take our hearts and then gnaw on them as chew toys and then pee on our shoes and they don't even lay eggs.

God, I hope that woman found her dog. Her lost-song broke my heart as she walked in her red dress, fearing to find her pet dead on the side of the road, praying to see him alive, her Buddy, her friend, her cocksucking motherfucking dog.

34 comments:

  1. I have a similar scenario going on, but it involves 4 cats rather than dogs. Some of my terms of endearment include:
    'You little bastard!'
    'Stormi Shitface'
    'Fatass!'
    'Fucker!'

    Ceara is constantly telling me that its not nice to call them bad names. Well, it's not nice that they puke up hairballs everywhere or try to drink the milk out of my cereal bowl or knock things off the counter either. And I can't even count the times I've tripped on them on the stairway at night.

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  2. i totally understand that mournful song.

    used it this morning...when i read your comment to me, i replied out loud, 'oh, ms(G)moon(G flat)! i'm not MICHELLE, i'm ADRIENNE! hehehe'.

    just like that.

    xoxoxo

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  3. Snorgles? That has to be the single greates word in the world. My two dogs and one of the cats were snorgling with me on the couch this morning, in the exact same spot behind my knees. Well, Maggies was there, and Hallie was snorgling on my feet, and the cat was kind of draped over all of us like an especially lovely fur boa. No wonder I did not want to move!

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  4. I also have a similar love-hate relationship going with my cat, but after reading your post, I don't think I will complain about scooping out her stinky litter box any more since at least she's pretty good about not peeing or pooping anywhere else. I have had to cut back on the bad language ever since my grandson learned to talk. I have gotten into trouble a couple of times with his parents, when he has repeated something I have said. This is especially hard when I am driving, since I tend to yell at other drivers.

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  5. I'm so calling my cats that from now on, and not just when they vomit and my baby eats it.

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  6. And the hair. THE FUCKING HAIR EVERYWHERE.

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  7. Ah, you are so patient. This is a great example of how different we are - I have no tolerance for such behavior from animals or people. Next to me, Mary Poppins looks like a freakin' good time girl.

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  9. like a sailor I tell ya! yikes!

    But, If you need me to get rid of anything, you name it-roosters, dogs, birds, weird aunties, just call, I'll handle it.

    Dirty Deeds, done dirt cheap(no, kidding, I'm really expensive)

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  10. This is now my favorite Ms. Moon post of ALL FUCKING TIME!

    Cocksucker and motherfucker are my two favorite words, and strangely, I've never even thought about combining them.

    You are an inspiration to me, as ever. In fact, you are my fucking idol.

    My dog is ill-behaved, too. She drives the Moms up the wall. "Why don't you make her behave?," the Moms asks. "She would be a much nicer dog if she behaved."

    I always tell the Moms, why do I have the right to impose my will on her all the time just because she is a damn dog. Once in awhile I lose my shit and yell though. Of course, it has no affect, because Ginger knows I rarely hit.

    Love, SB.

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  11. I haven't had a dog in years... And thank you for reminding me of all the reasons I still don't want one.

    Every now and then I think it would be great for Harley to grow up with one, but then I read things like this and I wake up to my temporary insane notions!

    Thanks for saving my ass.
    xo pf

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  12. Yeah, I know what you mean, but at this stage I'm pretty much hoping mine die soon, as fast and efficiently as possible. I know it makes me evil. But it's true.

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  13. SB: have you ever watched the show Deadwood?

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  14. DTG,
    No, it's HBO or something, right? I pay for the Arts package, the Sports package, The Movie Channel, and something else, so I can't see myself paying for HBO or Showtime, too. My monthy cable/phone/Internet bill is nearly $200.00!

    Love, SB.

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  15. It's been off the air for years. There's these things, see, called DVDs. You should rent them. Deadwood. Best cocksucking motherfucking show ever on tv. Seriously. The acting is amazing, the story is not to be believed.

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  16. Oh yes. My assbag dogs need to shut their fucking whore mouths. That I do love.

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  17. DTG,
    Since you described it as best cocksucking motherfucking, I will rent that shit on your recommendation. Anybody that has the good taste to describe something that way surely knows a good show when he sees one.

    Love, SB.

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  18. Let me put it this way. Here is a short history lesson from Al Swearengen, saloon owner and pimp:
    "We’re illegal. Our whole goal is to get annexed to the United fuckin' States. We start holdin' trials, what's to keep the United States fuckin' Congress from sayin' "Oh, excuse us, we didn't realize you were a fuckin' sovereign community and nation out there. Where's your cocksucker's flag? Where's your fuckin’ navy or the like? Maybe when we make our treaty with the Sioux, we should treat you people like renegade fuckin' Indians. Deny your fuckin' gold and property claims. And hand everything over instead to our ne'er-do-well cousins and brothers-in-law.""

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  19. oh yes, deadwood. my mom and i used to drink margaritas and blush at language. should have gotten an emmy for creative cursing, that show.

    we loved it.

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  20. This is the funniest motherf'ing post I've read in a long time. And let me tell you, I needed a laugh today. So thank you with all my heart.

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  21. My dog is the light of my life. My dog will never get expelled from high school for smoking m-j in the bathroom.
    My dog will never be arrested for smoking m-j 150 miles from home - my dog will never call me from jail and ask me to drive 150 miles to bail its ass out, then run away from me an hour later.
    My dog will never get anyone it's not married to pregnant.
    I could go on, but I think this is enough for now.

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  22. I only curse at our mother fucking cock sucking turtle. Which is sad cause he's the ONLY inhabitant of my home that has not, at one time or another, disturbed my sleep, peed or pooped on the floor, or vomited on me.

    Poor misunderstood turtle.

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  23. Mags is just looking for a new job.

    I liked how you described your neighbor's sad voice in a musical way. Very descriptive.

    That dog of yours is really cute, even if he's naughty sometimes. :) And so flexible doing the yoga pose! :)

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  24. Hey Mama, read Melissa's blog. It mentions you and me and is pretty damn sweet. http://honeybeediary.blogspot.com/
    P.S. Please ignore certain parts of it... Melissa is a terrible liar... :)

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  25. swearing is an art. a lost art.

    it's our re-spon-si-bil-it-y to not let future generations down but not integrating colorful and obscene language into the every day vernacular.

    maybe we need to make a magnetic car ribbon for the cause or something.

    it could have the initials of all the great swears on it and read "c.s.m.f.s.a.w. for free speech!"

    (cocksucking motherfucker shitheel damn bitch ass whores for free speech!

    xxalainaxx

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  26. My husband wonders what I'm doing in here with all the giggling.

    It's the cocksucking motherfucking dogs that pee and poop in the house and don't even lay eggs.

    Best goddamn post!

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  27. Rachel- Cats can be cocksucking motherfuckers too.

    Adrienne- I'm such a dork. I think my comment on your blog may have explained the situation with my brain fog. I love you.

    Kori- You were snuggled under an animal blanket! How lovely.

    Lois- I have ALREADY shut my mouth on a random "fuck" or two in front of Owen and he doesn't even know language exists yet. Shitfire. Just got all my kids raised up big enough to curse around them and now I have an innocent grandchild not to corrupt!

    Mwa- Now that would get an extra "fucking, fuck, fuck!" from me. Ick.

    Steph- My dogs don't shed too badly. But they make up for it in so many other ways.

    Nola- Then you best not come visit until some of these animals die because they are annoying as FUCK! Except for the sweet chickens.

    Magnum- Send me your card.

    Ms. Bastard- Al Swearengen (perfect name and he was a REAL person) is the supreme being of fucking cursing and Dead Wood is the supreme example of what TV theater can be. Take DTG's advice and rent the whole motherfucking series. Or, come spend Christmas with us and we will have a marathon.

    Ms. Fleur- All you have to do is walk over here and you will be reminded of why you do not want a dog. But if you do- I have a few you could choose from.

    Ms. Jo- Me too. And so I am evil too.

    Aunt Becky- NOW you're getting into the swing of things!

    DTG- I should have given Al his props for the curses.


    Adrienne- Come join our Christmas marathon!

    Elizabeth- You're such a lady. Refined and all that shit. I love you for that!

    Ms. Lucy- There is that.

    Michelle- So why do you curse at him? For his turtleness? Does he piss you off with his pissed off attitude?

    Nicol- I know. That Magnum. He's a hoot. And yes, my doggie is flexible. Too bad he can't jump up on the damn bed by himself.

    HoneyLuna- I LOVED that. My God. You better bring her out here during the Christmas break.
    Thanks for passing that on.

    Ms. M- I am doing my best. See this old post:
    http://blessourhearts.blogspot.com/search/label/profanity
    Plus, I love your magnetic ribbon idea.

    Kathleen Scott- Glad you enjoyed it!

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  28. WHILE I was trying to relax and read this blog entry, my adorable little adopted chihuahua Bo got up, squated and peed right on the nice fluffy, just washed rug I'd just put down. Motherfucker is right. Bastard asshole dickhead. I love my animals. And I hate them. I love your writing so much. Haven't been as entertained and delighted in ages. And I read lots of everything.

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  29. I love the way you explain our love for our animals! how the stories intermingle with the dialogue with them. and how it all began with a lady in the street, poor girl, I know that feeling, it's dreadful.

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  30. No more cocksucking motherfucking lost dog stories, ok? They make me sad! :)

    I'm leaving my cat tomorrow to go to Maine, but am really going to keep my mourning songs to a minimum...

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  31. Zeke is a snorgly little thing! When he isn't trying to climb into your mouth. Pets are so funny. Lupita bites me and pees on things and I think my neighbors suspect that all I do is burp and yell at my cat (just as I suspect that the only thing my across the courtyard neighbor does is have fabulous sex), but she's just so cute! Lately she's learned the trick of standing on my back when I lean over to spit toothpaste in the sink! How cute is that? If I lived with an actual human they could take a picture.

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  32. May,
    The kitten was on my back this morning! I was on the damn toilet, and I couldn't get her off. I finally had to sit bolt upright so the little shitass could leap to the back of the damn toilet. My back is all scratched up.

    Jesus.

    Now you all have a picture of me on the toilet in your minds. Whatever.

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  33. Bethany- Cocksucking dogs.
    Thank-you for what you said about my writing.

    Darcy- Oh dear. Your blog looks so intriguing, so thoughtful. I can't keep up with all the beautiful blogs! Oh dear.
    Thank-you for coming by. I am going to try and spend more time at your place.

    SJ- Yes, try sweetheart.

    May- Lupita, Lupita, Lupita.
    Hey- I dreamed that you married some guy you met like ten minutes before you got married. He was cute. It was strange though.

    Ms. Bastard- Well, we all do sit on the toilet. Love you.

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