Friday, October 2, 2009

Kathleen just called and we chatted for awhile. As is Kathleen's wont, she did not mention my anxiety, she did not bring up my craziness. We talked about chickens and Opera House gossip and dogs and food and so forth. And she soothed me as she always does. That picture was taken a while back and her hair is longer now but it is a picture I have of her.

It's been a day.

I've tried very hard to just get on with things, not let this bullshit craziness tie it's knot in my tail. I weeded the mesclun, I worked on a card. I watched Ms. Lost In Translation's video which she had posted on meditation. I read all my comments, I e-mailed back and forth with another woman who has the damn anxiety disease, I took heart at the sharing of her and my commentors. I talked to Lizzie and Jessie and Lily. I wrote a little on my recipe/memoir book. I sent Mr. Moon off to the island. I even took a small nap, hoping that as sometimes happens, the computer would be rebooted, I would wake feeling all fine and well.

The sky to the west is pink-streaked and glorious. I wonder what sort of sunset Mr. Moon is getting on the island. It's very quiet in Lloyd. The animals have all gone to bed and the traffic is far away like a distant-flowing river.

My table here on the back porch is in full card-making mode. Glitter and pictures and glue and card stock. I bemoan the fact that I cannot make a card that represents what I feel. My daughter May makes cards that are three-by-five perfections and me? Oh. Shit. Every time I go to make a card I have to remember all over again that more glitter does not mean more goodness. I do my best. In my next lifetime, I am going to be like Joni Mitchell- able to sing and make music and paint the images that my music brings me. But in this lifetime, I am a mutt of an artist, I can carry a tune but I cannot play a thing. I can dance but I cannot draw. I can cook but I cannot quilt. I can rhyme but I cannot make a vision palpable.

I am in awe of those who can.

Kathleen and May and Lis and Liz can do it. And I know that everything I do which is creative and which lets my mind out of my way is something which rests my soul. I spent almost an entire year taking Dollar Store Virgin night lights and beading and glittering and painting them into something crazy and it helped me. After Sue died, I took a tiny crochet needle and made the smallest crocheted bags imaginable. So small they would hold nothing but a prayer, a wish.

Yes. Antidepressants help. But this keyboard, that glue, that glitter, that flannel, that wool, those red peppers, that flour and flowers and rows of arugala, those chickens, these friends from all over the world who take the time to write me back- they save my life.

Thank-you.
That's what I have to say tonight, this Friday night in Lloyd, Florida.

Amen and love...Ms. Moon

20 comments:

  1. Unless i've missed something, what are these cards you are making these days? And can you send me one? :)

    It's a bright, bright full moon, so I think that has us all agitated here in KY. Maybe Fl too.

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  2. SJ- I am trying to make a thank-you card and I can't make it say what I want it to. I am no card maker. But I want to be.
    Moon Agitato- ah.

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  3. You will find your words--you always do.

    Yes, we can always blame the moon.

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  4. If you ask me, Owen's quilt was beautiful and impressive.

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  5. the waxing Gibbous Moon, 99% full.
    Remember Cosmo's Moon from Moonstruck? some times I wish I lived far away enough from neighbors to go out and howl happily at the Moon.
    I am a Sun daughter but a Moon lover, so even when I feel like today - and you and I were walking pretty damn close on that bumpy road today - I still feel safe when the full Moon is shining. Once, many years ago when I was a child the man who took care of the horses in my grandparents' ranch took all of us children on a boat when the sun was coming down, a "secret trip to a secret place" he told us. Lo and behold at the elbow of the river was the jungle, all dark and black, alive with a million fireflies, in the middle of their mating ritual. We swore they were fairies and coming back home the full Moon was dressing everything in silver, so it must have been. May the full Moon make everything dress in silver for you tonight. Hugs from here.

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  6. Damn right your quilt is beautiful. I saw it today hanging on his crib and it made me so happy. You do make beautiful things! I almost always feel like the things I make are never good enough. Maybe it is because our imaginations are so clear, and our souls are so expressive, nothing can come out like that. Not the way we see it in our minds. What you create makes one feel a great and wonderful something, and isn't that the point of art? Regardless of what things look like or are supposed to look like, isn't the feeling really the best thing?

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  7. I have total faith in you. Don't be hard on yourself. Words will come that need to. Hugs!!

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  8. So many people can play but not carry a tune, draw but not dance, quilt but not cook.... Why is it that we always wish that we could do everything there is to do, and do it perfectly, I am definitely guilty of this. I cook a mean ass chili and cornbread but I berate myself, in a way, because I can't sew, I take beautiful pictures of flowers, but can't garden worth a shit.

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  9. Ms. Moon! I want to read your recipe/memoir book - you write so well and I'm sure you'd have a story to tell. And I think you make beautiful photos and a beautiful house and garden. And a beautiful person.

    I hope the video helped. It helped me.

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  10. You have so many gifts. Your words, your words... I tried to read from the start of your posts and thought I would maybe print some of the more inspirational ones for myself to read when I need to.... damn you, they all are,you're so prolific! Thousands... that's more than a couple of trees worth! I only wish I had your gift for words. The love you give so freely to those around you, and the love which surrounds you. These are your most precious gifts. You've been through quite a lot emotionally and physically this past week or so. Take one day at a time. You know from experience that this passes eventually.... one day at a time.... love x

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  11. SJ- Words are easy. There are so many to choose from.

    Michelle- Thanks. It is a nice quilt, even in its vast imperfections.

    Allegra- What a gorgeous story! What a gift that man gave you. Thank-you for sharing that image.

    May- You're right. You are always right. You are so wise. And talented, too. I love you too.

    Joy- It's the glitter I'm having problems with- where is my gold glitter?

    Lola- I know. It's sad that we can't just be happy with the things we do well.

    Mwa- I have been thinking about that video since I saw it and listened to it. Perhaps it would have done more for me to actually TRY TO DO THE MEDITATION. Well, one must start somewhere.

    Ms. Lilac- Thank-you. I do so love to beat myself up. I need to quit that.

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  12. It takes one to recognise it in someone else! x

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  13. I would love to see one of those crocheted wish holders... I like that idea a lot actually.

    And btw, you are an artist! You're whole life is your canvass, and you are living poetry. There is nobody else like you! And I love your creations as well from your cooking to your kids to your cards to your virgin lights, to your home decor. (The christmas lights ont he chicken coop kill me!) Srsly, don't underestimate yourself, nobody else does. That's for sure.
    xoxo m

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  14. Be sure to tell Kathleen to keep us up on the Opera House gossip too!

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  15. Lovely, poignant writing. My friend Kathleen who lives far away from me but is my bestest bud since childhood sent me the link to your blog for the second time. And this time, she quoted this particular post. She said, I don't know why I think you'll like this blog. Then: She has chickens and gardens and tries to make cards and has anxiety and a new grandson. Her last few entries are about her anxiety and it reminded me of you a little. Her friend KATHLEEN came over and made her feel better.

    I doubt my Kathleen has commented on your blog, as she's more of a silent watcher. But she has a blog too. And she's obviously been visiting you a lot as she forgot she already sent me the link a month or so ago. I'm so glad she sent it again.
    I love your spirit and writing and although I don't have chicken or a grandson, or any children for that matter. I do love chickens and have plenty of rescued pets and plenty of anxiety and card making blocks! Thanks for sharing and nice to meet you. :-)

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  16. Ms. Lilac- Sorry for you, too!

    Ms. Fleur- Remind me the next time you come over. I still have one. And you'll be over tomorrow, right?
    Yay!
    Thank-you for what you said.

    Jon- Nope. All mean-girl gossip. Oh well, you can ask Kathleen. She'll tell you anything. Which is why we love her.

    Bethany- Small world or something like that. Thanks for visiting! And your blog is lovely, lovely!

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  17. And Bethany- What is your Kathleen's blog? I would love to visit her.

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  18. I love you, Ms. Moon. I hope you are feeling better. Anxiety is the suck. I took medication for it at one time, but it lifted, thank Jesus.

    I sincerely hope yours has lifted too.

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  19. Ms. Bastard- Yes. Better. Thank-you, love.

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