Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Routine Ramblings



I am going through one of those periods when it is hard for me to get out and do anything. The sweetness of Owen calls me though- that's for sure- and I get in the car and turn right, turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right, turn right- I am there again to see him. Can I tell you how beautiful he is? How beautiful Lily is, holding him to her? Yesterday when I got there, they had gone to meet Jason's mother for lunch and Owen had fallen asleep in his car seat and so they had brought him in it and he was still asleep when I got there. I took his picture in his little hoodie, his hands looking like he was gripping a steering wheel. Was he already dreaming of driving, going away?

Oh baby, baby, your perfect head. I watched Lily nursing him when he'd woken up and I said, "It would be so much easier to leave him if his head wasn't so perfectly round." That soft black hair, whirled around the crown of his head as he nurses. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Owen.
The way Lily bends her mouth to his when he searching for her nipple, using his rooting for a way to get a kiss.
This is worth leaving home for. This is home.

Then to the library, quick, quick, another safe place, and then to Publix, buy the food. Every second there is something inside of me saying, "Go home, go home, go home to the dogs and the chickens and the trees and the yard and the safety." The voice tells me that I need to get home to all of that to keep it safe, as if while I was gone it would all fall apart.

I drive home, I pull into Lloyd, and my heart slows down, I am safe again, pull into the yard, the dogs are barking, I unload the car, I unload the groceries, I wait for a visit from Kathleen. We have tea, she talks, we talk. She is beautiful on my porch. She leaves, I make dinner. Mr. Moon comes home, this makes home more home. I make a small feast of venison cube steak with mushrooms and onions and gravy and I make mashed potatoes and broccoli and a rare treat- biscuits- five of them, buttermilk and self-rising flour, not rolled but patted out by hand with flour and made into nice round shapes, baked in the oven with the cube steak.

This is all safeness, this is all home.

What if- what if I had a job and had to leave every day? Could I?
Of course I could. But...but...but.

I have arranged it all so that everything is here. So much life here, I tell myself. My garden, my flowers, my plants, my chickens, the dogs. Even as they drive me crazy, they need me somehow. Mr. Moon comes home and I feed him. Last night I complained of my foot and he took it and rubbed it in his big hands. I sighed with pleasure, I moaned with relief. His touch is everything to me.

Have I created this foot problem so that I will not have to leave? Have I hobbled myself on a chain of pain? Today it throbs, that tendon is red in me. I can see it in my mind. I ice it in between laundry and chickens who are making a raucous racket, there is egg laying going on. I have fed them their grapes and they took them greedily. I spread corn and put more feed and water out for them. They sip, sip the cool clean water. They are life, they bring me life every day in the form of perfect ovals. I tell Lis we should put a bowl of those eggs on the table at the wedding because they are so beautiful.

And I'm going to go help Lis with that wedding and I know she's worried she's asked me to do something that is more than I want to do but she is wrong.
I want (no, I need so much) to drive over there to help her. I want to spend time with her and Lon and if I have a job to do (rolling biscuits, cutting them out, baking them on great metal sheets) I will be fine. I like having a job to do, especially if it is one I feel good at. Such joy to be able to do something I love in Lis's kitchen for people who are celebrating a marriage! What a gift Lis is giving me, asking me for help. People love biscuits, they make them want to kiss the cook. How could that be anything but wonderful?

Yes. I have so much life right here in this place where I live. But it can go on without me for a few days. Mr. Moon will go to the hunting camp in Georgia and so I need someone to come and house sit- children? Do any of you want to come take care of this place, these animals for a few days? I'll wash the sheets, I promise.
And I can off to another place where there is life, too. The life Lis and Lon have nurtured into a nest of their own, where they get sustenance and joy. They share it with me and I love them for it and I am excited to go.

But I can't be gone for long. Not because of my foot or my chickens or children or even my man. Because of that boy in that picture. He changes every day and he needs to hear my voice telling him that he is the most beautiful boy in the world, the most glorious and wonderful. His mother needs to hear me tell her how beautiful she is, taking care of that child she created. This is non-negotiable.

And this is perhaps one of the most rambling things I've ever written and if I had an editor, he or she would wear out a red pen on it. I know. I am indulging myself with my foot on ice, my words spilling out, saying here, here, here, this is what it's like in my soul today, my world today, my heart.

22 comments:

  1. I thoroughly enjoy your ramblings, so very much so.

    I must tell you that I am jealous to the max that you get to go spend time in Gatorbone! I want to go so badly it's making me cry, because it's like going to another home, especially when you're there too. And don't worry about missing too much with Owen and Lily, or home and the chickens. Everything will be fine without you there for a couple of days.

    And I don't think I can stay at the house- way too many distractions from studying.

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  2. Keep those words spilling, please.

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  3. I think I'm already house sitting in town this weekend!

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  4. You are an incredibly lucky wife, mama, woman.

    We'll be driving through Sunday the 18th. Will you be home? I'd LOVE to stop by.

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  5. Oh Mama, I'm so sorry your foot hurts. I wouldn't be a good chicken sitter because I have to work Friday night, a double on Saturday, and then Sunday morning. Basically, I'd never be there. What are we going to do? Why is Owen still being such a baby? Why can't he watch his grandmama's house? Jeez!

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  6. HoneyLuna- I know you wish you could go. We'll go together some other time. I promise.
    I love you...Mama
    P.S. Distractions? There are NO distractions in Lloyd.

    Steph- As if anyone could stop me.

    DTG- WHAT???!! This cannot be true.
    Love you anyway...Mama

    Angie- At this point, that day looks clear to me. I'll email you with directions, etc. It will be fun!

    May- Really. That boy needs to quit being such a BABY and start earning his keep! GAWD!!!!
    Love you, darling...Mama

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  7. I think your writing is beautiful. I love the rambling honesty, the full picture you give.

    Home is a refuge and I race to get back to it every night, leave it as late as I can in the a.m., and stay there as often as possible. I sometimes wish I could have been a homemaker but it was never in the cards for me. Both of my daughters are. It's sometime at my expense with the younger daughter, but it's good she has time with her children.

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  8. Ms. Moon,
    If you are happy at home, goddammit, there's nothing wrong with that. Stay were you are happiest (except for visits to Owen, who is worth leaving the house for, of course).

    I am a homebody, too. When I was a bartender and younger, I went out every night. Now, I want to stay home. My friends around here don't see me a whole lot unless they come to me. I feed them and liquor them up. And also, I have tiki torches.

    Love, SB.

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  9. We will be here all weekend and more than happy to feed chicks, pups and kitties. We'll even spend some time with them so they feel loved...

    Harley digs that kind of stuff. Let me know if you need us.
    xo pf

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  10. I love being home, too. I never want to go out. I even get a little homesick leaving for vacation. Silly me.

    And when there's a baby in the mix. Forget about it!

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  11. Do not worry too much mamma! I promise not to let Owen grow too much while you are gone. We love you.

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  12. I know. I know that feeling so well every time I venture out. I try to only go out once or twice a week and rush everything into that time. Safe at home.

    You will be safe with Lis and your mind will be occupied.

    Owen looks like a doll in the car seat.... so precious.

    And rambling is good x

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  13. He just looks so perfect. Makes me miss my babies.

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  14. Specially today your ramblings came just in time to wrap myself as if they were a warm and loving blanket. Owen will stay little until you comeback and then he will flirt with you something shameful, smile his baby smile while you are melting and you will forget that you were gone for a spell.

    Just promise to write if you can, I don't like missing the people I like as much as I like you. Enjoy your visit and may your biscuits rise light enough to fly from the plates.

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  15. Marsha- I cannot say enough how blessed I am with this life I have. And I know it every moment of every day.

    Daddy X- Are you talking about my darling grandson?

    Ms. Bastard- I used to have tiki torches. When I had a pool. Now I have no pool and no tiki torches. Sad, I know. But I have chickens! Which is even better.
    Love you, dear.

    Ms. Fleur- Harley can come feed my chickens any time whether I am here or not.
    And as always- thank-you.

    Michelle- I KNOW! But I swear, I'm going to grow mold if I don't get out more.

    Lily- Really? You promise? Thank-you, sweet love.

    Ms. Lilac- Isn't he precious?

    Ginger- I know. WHO TOOK OUR BABIES???

    Ms. Allegra- I will try and slip in a post or two. Perhaps Lon will let me use his magnificent Mac and we'll take silly pictures and I'll send them out to the world.

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  16. This is why I tell people "before you have your children, go home, you need your tribe." I didn't and I'm sorry for it.

    I love reading about the home you've made down there. It makes me feel a little less homesick.

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  17. Hey SB!! I am an ex bartender turned homebody who never sees anyone anymore too!!! We have so much in common... well, except the tiki torches. But as soon as Harley's old enough to play with matches, we'll be in perfect harmony.

    Or something. :-p

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  18. I'm that way about being at home, too. Feels good, doesn't it?

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  19. You better not get an editor then.

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  20. Petit Fleur,
    Sadly, bartending was my favorite job. I plan on going back to it when I am older and only want to work part-time at something I actually enjoy.

    If you get to Ohio, come and enjoy my tiki torches with me. I have a nice little deck.

    Love you,

    SB

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  21. Glimmer- Then I am doing my job. Thank-you.

    Aunt Becky- Yep. Grab your canteen and knapsack and ramble on.
    That's how I do it.

    Joy- YES!

    Mwa- Not for this blog, anyway.

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