Monday, October 5, 2009

No Answers At All


I keep thinking about something I was told the other day about an adopted child. I do not know the child nor the adoptive father but I know the mother, casually. I didn't even know she had an adopted child but I knew she had other children and that she appears to be a very, very dedicated mother and she homeschools her children (a viable option here in the very poor county I live in where the schools are abysmal, to say the least), that she is very Catholic and that her vehicle has a "Choose Life" license tag and a Christian rock music station bumper sticker.

I had, of course, made my assumptions about her. I hate that "Choose Life" license tag, believing as I do that we all choose life, even if we believe in a woman's right to abortion. I don't even want to discuss Christian rock music, because I agree with Roseanne who said, "Christian Rock? Give me a break. What's next, Christian Porn?"

So anyway, be they true or not, I had made my assumptions about this woman and our short interactions were polite and she has always been kind to me and despite her fervid assurances that she was praying for Lily and the baby (and what are you supposed to say to that? Please don't?), I had no reason to overly like or dislike her.

And then I found out about the adopted baby and the person who was telling me this story said, "It's common knowledge so I don't feel as if I am talking out of school," and then proceeded to tell me that this woman and her husband had adopted this child because his mother had been raped and gotten pregnant through that rape and although she could not bring herself to raise the child herself, she did not believe in abortion.

Well, If you're going to drive around with a Choose Life license tag, it is a good thing to put your money and your heart where your mouth is. Right? I respect that.
And the couple was with the mother when she gave birth and the woman I know, the adoptive mother, even took hormones in order to breast feed the baby and well, if I adopted a baby I would want to do that too, and I commend her for it. And they have raised this child in a loving and Christian home and they have taken a life which began in such tragedy and horror and violence and have turned things around with love and stability.

And this is all wonderful but I can't stop thinking about it because if it is common knowledge, this story, then that little child, who is now four years old, is going to know some day. He is going to know that he was adopted because his birth mother was raped.

And what does "common knowledge" mean? Does it mean that the facts of this child's beginnings are discussed at church? At parties? At home school gatherings? Why should this fact even be discussed at all? It seems almost...prurient...to me that it is.
I don't know. It doesn't seem fair at all to me that everyone knows about this except, for the time being at least, the child. He, of course, is an innocent being as all children are. But as all children eventually find out, the sins of the father persist yea, until the seventh generation, or whatever that quote is, and I think that means literally. What your great grandfather did or did not do will affect you in some way.

And this child's father raped his mother and one day, this child will find that information out and hopefully, not from another kid on a playground.

I know a man who knew he had been adopted but what he didn't know was that the woman he thought of as his adopted sister was, in fact, his mother. She had gotten pregnant as a teenager in the late forties and the shame then of such an act was unimaginable. She went to live "with an aunt" up north, had the baby and then her parents adopted the baby, telling everyone that he was just a normal orphan, no relation to them, certainly! and that oh yes, the daughter had just decided to go live in Boston for awhile but isn't it nice she's home now?
Hey. These things happened back in the dark ages and people just pretended to go along.
But the point is, this man who had been adopted grew up thinking that people were talking about him. He would enter a room and everyone would shut up and look at him with bright, false smiles. He had mental issues. He went to counselors. They diagnosed him with paranoia.
And then, in his twenties, he found out the truth.
In this case, the truth did not set him free. He has suffered an entire lifetime of mental illness with every sort of therapy and treatments imaginable and nothing really seems to ease his mind to a point of acceptance and peacefulness.

As I have often said, I think it is the secrets that make us crazy. Children are not stupid at all. They know when they are not being told the truth and all hell hits the fan when they find out what the truth is when if the truth had been presented early on, it would have been easier to deal with- yes, this is what happened, we love you, this is what we thought best, and what would you like for lunch?

But in the case of this little boy, how will he be given the truth and is there any way on earth to present it to him that will make it all be okay? Why does everyone already know?

I don't know. I think it is a very loving thing anyone does who adopts a child with the idea and desire and goal to give that child the best possible life he or she could have if the birth parents cannot provide that.

But in cases like this- where the mother could not, because of the horror of the trauma of the baby's conception, raise the child on her own, does the truth of the matter do the child any good?
Or is this no different than any other adoption where it is explained to the child that because of one reason or another, the mother could not give him the home she knew he deserved and so, as a great and loving sacrifice (the greatest, as far as I can see) she gave him up so that he could have the home he deserved? And how is she, that birth mother, four years later? Is she at peace with her decision? Is she okay? Has she been able to move on, knowing she did what, in her belief, was the best thing to do? The hardest thing to do?

God. I don't know. You'd have to be Solomon to figure this one out. I wonder if the parents will tell the child the truth of the situation wrapped in all sorts of Christian terms- angels and God and the Holy Ghost and Jesus Loves The Little Children- and if that will make it somehow better.

I just don't know. And none of this is any of my business at all but I can't quit thinking about it.
Perhaps it is just that term- common knowledge- common knowledge of such a violent truth which upsets me. Hopefully, by the time the little boy finds out the truth which everyone else already knows, including his siblings, he will be so secure in the love of his parents and his family that it will not matter how he came to live with them.

That's what I hope.

And once again it has been shown to me that making assumptions about people is not very wise. Everyone, as Yoko Ono said, has a story. And bumper stickers and license plates don't tell the whole story of a person, a family, a history, a hope.

I hope this family's story comes out well with all my heart. I hope when he grows up, the common knowledge is that he is a good man who, with the help of a good family who believed in their truths so strongly that they allowed him to be, with full knowledge and belief in his own worth, the very best representation of a human life he could be.
Or at least a reasonably sane and content good man, which is all we can ever hope for, really.

I just don't know. What do you think?

31 comments:

  1. Oh, oh..... I love you!!! When people say "I'm praying for you"... I say, "please don't" too!
    But in all seriousness... secrets, secrets... so dangerous. Keep them to yourself, or share them openly. If you don't they can be used against whoever and cause untold harm, especially to the emotionally and mentally vulnerable (and you don't know who they will be until it's too late and the damage will already be done)
    Taking religion out of it (controversial! but it only serves to complicate and cloud matters) each case should be taken in isolation, but generally, my opinion is that truth is always the best policy, but sensitivity towards the individual should be of paramount importance. There are ways and means.
    At the end of the day, the most important thing, surely, must be who you are NOW, not who you were then, where you came from and how you came to be.... hopefully who you were and what you did in between those times. Eveyrone has a history. What separates us, is whether you make it public knowledge, whether anyone else does, and whether it matters to you. I choose living consciously. It's not a religious thing.. it's a "mindfulness" thing. I try to be the best person, mother and friend I can be. Whatever I'm told is not my secret to tell...

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  2. Ms. Lilacs- I agree. Not my secret to tell. And I don't feel that I told any here. There are no distinguishing features- believe me- half the cars in this county have those license tags, those bumper stickers. You would only recognize the family if you already knew what was "common knowledge."
    I think what struck me about this story is that I always believe the truth to be best, but I realize that the truth is not always going to be easy, especially in our society, our culture, even though it should make NO DIFFERENCE AT ALL. A baby is a baby.

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  3. Oh! No, no, no, no.... I didn't intend to mean you were telling secrets at all! I was just saying that, I can hold my tongue... if I am told something in secret, that's where it stays too. please don't think I meant anything else. You have my utmost respect x

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  4. Ms. Lilac- I didn't think you did. I just felt sort of guilty for posting about such a sensitive local subject when it's none of my business anyway. I know what you mean about secrets. Love you, dear.

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  5. And I love you too. And your family. Is it legally possible to adopt a sister?! Because if it is, I choose you x

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  6. I know what you mean--I wrestled alot with similar thoughts when my friend was adopting the baby (which then fell through, you might remember from my blog). But for some reason, I couldn't shake the birth mother from my mind and how this must be for her.

    We aren't meant to know these answers one hundred percent of the time. No one on earth can say nearly anything is absolute when it comes to matters of the heart--which is why, I think, we all get infuriated sometimes with the radical christian right because they ARE convinced they are one hundred percent right. Things are black, and they are white, and the gray areas are for the ungodly people. Or at least, that's how we perceive it on the other side of the coin.

    And that's why I think it's good for us all to be humbled sometimes, and realize that some people or situations aren't always what they seem. To open ourselves to new ideas and new perspectives is to 'choose life' indeed.

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  7. Ms. Lilac- Ah. No papers needed. That's the joy of being an adult.

    SJ- Exactly! There is no black or white here, although some would say there is. How do you tell a small child about rape? And you wouldn't HAVE to if it wasn't "common knowledge." Ah yah. I want this boy to be okay. None of us really lives in a crystal clear area of truth. We all swim about in the mist of uncertainty. And anyone who doesn't recognize that is fooling themselves. But hell- we all do that, too.

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  8. So I have a new sister! Do I need to send any birthday cards yet?! x

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  9. I swear, sometimes I truly am amazed at the capacity of human strength sometimes...we can endure a hell of alot, and still remember to laugh at the end of the day.

    The paranoia story is interesting though, about the man convinced everyone was looking at him differently. How horrible. Haunting.

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  10. Surely the adoption people have some guidance for this sort of thing, for the parents. I remember asking a friend about that because she had adopted three girls from China and the oldest was talking about "not having a father" and "not looking like my mother," that sort of thing. Which meant my preschooler son, who was best friends with these girls, was asking me why too.

    So my friend told me to tell him "families come in all sizes, colors, shapes," etc. So I was relieved because I had not known what to say, but it was really so very simple.

    Since the parents have Christianity as their framework, they could tell him Jesus had unusual beginnings that were difficult to understand, not like other children of his time. Not that different from the boy's.

    Hopefully he can understand, eventually, that his biological origins do not matter. That love is all. Something that you, Ms. Moon, have a profound understanding of, or you wouldn't have been fretting so about this.

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  11. I hate that his story is "common knowledge" rather than simply that he was taken in as a chosen treasure rather than given by birth.

    I don't know what to think.

    I'm afraid I'd be inclined to think the same of the license plate and things, but then again, I very much respect other's faith much as I respect each person's individual rights to decide their own.

    And so I'm torn on the situation.

    This scenario I'm in with my daughter. We've gotten a lot of flack here in Podunk, but I continue and give her the right and security to do as she needs for where she's at. I do hope this child is allowed the same, and that the sins of his father don't follow and reflect on him constantly. I think that would be my fears.

    My daughter is an unwed mother of 19 years, having her 2nd child, but I'm supportive as those are her life choices and she's trying her best. She's come along way in a year, in spite of the things I know she hasn't done and the growth I know she's yet to have.

    And she's precious to me in spite of her deeds, much the same as I hope this adopted child created in acts of violence will be loved and precious to those who hold him.

    I sometimes wonder if non-biological children are given the same blessings as bios. I try very hard with my live in stepson. I feel for him being so far from his mother as I can't be that to him, not really, but I can show kindness and hope in the end his mother's sporadic rejections don't leave a lasting mark, much as I'd hope the rapist's actions don't leave a lasting mark on the little one you mentioned.

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  12. Against a lot of really quirky odds, this kid is here... maybe there is something important he is supposed to do in his life..?

    Other than that, it sounds like a big well meaning archetypal type mess.

    I hope it all works out for the little guy. He's Harley's age. Sending love to them.
    pf

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  13. Oh, where to start, where to start. for one thing, most of the time when people say they will pray for you, they really mean it-not much different than sending up good thoughts or putting out good vibes or sending strngth and love. Unless you are confronted with one of those whack-job nutheads who say it like, "You have dog shit on your left shoe and you have bags under your eyes, I will sure pray for you," because those people are surely just Lording their good sleep and dog-shit-less shoes over you. A good Christian who says i will pray for you will say oh honey, you look so tired, let me clean of your shoe and give you a hug and let you rest in my arms for just a minute and then I am going to pray for you later. THAT is the kind that you want praying for you. I digress; what I mean to say is, most peopel are genuine, and if they believe in God and you don't, well, who are they hurting?

    moving on....I wish I had all the answers or any of them. I would think that if the fact that this child's biological father is a rapist is common knowledge, then perhaps this child's best interests would be served by moving to a different town where it is not, in fact, common knoweldge. I think the truth is a powerful, beautiful thing, but not when its ugliness can scar a schild for life. And surely it will, to have this "common knowledge" strewn about the playground; this poor child will be beaten to death by the fucking truth and who does THAT serve?

    BUT: I chose adoption for a child, for lots and lots of reasons, and maybe had thigns been different I would have chosen to keep him, I don't know. Maybe if his biological father had not, in fact, said, "I don't want this child and want nothing to do with it," well, maybe I would have kept him, or if I had more money or a better job or did not already have two small chidlren at home. Maybe not; I don't know. What I DO know is that no matter the circumstances, choosing adoption is a sacrifice, and a decision not easily made. Does the adoptive family tell their child about me? Well, my sister adopted him and it is BY CHOICE common knowledge, at least among family and friends. I would assume that the boy alos knows what there is to know about his birth father, but I don't know that for sure. What I DO know is that we can't ever say that full disclosure is the only way to do it, nor can we say that it is wrong to keep secret certain things. That would be akin to me saying that all men are assholes, that every teen mother should get an abortion, that every person who drinks is an alcoholic. Every circumstance is different, every person different, and well, who are we to make sweeping judgements or proclamations about what "should" be done? I agree that it would be harmful to this child to be told abotu the circumstances of adoption being chosen; that, however, is a different scenario than a girl being sent away to have a child and having it adopted by her parents. One it harms more to have full disclosure, the other it would be less harmful.

    I love these thought-provoking posts, and I love the way you write.

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  14. It makes me really worried for what I think are your reasons - because this "common knowledge" will be overheard or even told to other children and that's how he will learn. And what a horrible thing to bear. And how that will affect him when it should never be his story (until he's an adult and really asks).

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  15. Ms. Lilac- Nah. My birthday is in July.
    When's yours?

    SJ- Yes. It well and truly fucked him up.

    Glimmer- Yes. Beginnings are not the important thing. Why make them so?

    Marsha- I think we all know that everything leaves a mark. This includes the good as well as the bad. I would not be here today if not for people who had loved me even though they were no more biologically connected to me than Queen Elizabeth. We can make a difference in a child's life, no matter who that child was born to. I know this.

    Kori- See- yes, you have actual knowledge of adoption and I admire you terrifically for being honest about this topic. You did what you needed to do for the wellbeing of your child which is always the hardest thing there is to do.
    And I, too, thought about how much better it would be for this child to live in a different community. I mean- is there going to be the "Oh, poor you-your parents are such saints?" sort of thinking? Not fair. I don't know. There is no clear margin here for me to judge on, nor should anyone, I think. Thank you so much for your thoughts.

    Nola- And that is why you would be a good attorney. Your brain goes right to it, the core, the essence. Thank-you.

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  16. I hate that people take such pleasure in spreading these things in the name of 'telling the truth' or 'common knowledge.' That poor little boy, growing up in a loving home with parents who adore him, has no idea of the cruel words and taunts he'll probably be subjected to because of 'common knowledge.'
    I worry about comments Farty will face because he was conceived via artificial insemination, and I was open about it (didn't want people thinking he was the result of a drunkenm incident). But that pales in comparison to what that poor boy may endure.
    It makes me so angry. Why do people think they have the duty, the right to talk maliciously about a CHILD?
    I am so angry, I am shaking. His birth mother did the best she could do for him. I hope any solace she might find in that isn't overshadowed by the knowledge that her trauma is 'public knowledge.'

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  17. Oh, Ms. Moon. I feel horrible for that little boy, because yes, he will learn the truth someday, and more likely than not it will be from someone outside his immediate adopted family. My ex-husband was adopted as a small child and didn't know until he was 13 (when someone slipped up). Everyone knew the truth but him and, as you know, he is (for lack of a better term) fucked up. What is the best way to deal with this? I'm not sure, but definitely it would be good for the adopted parents to make sure the little boy knows he's adopted, since it's "common knowledge" to everyone in town.

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  18. Oh, no. I don't have any idea what I think about this story. I admit to being very biased against "born-again" Christians -- I'd actually prefer NOT to think of their motives for anything, actually, knowing full well that "that's just me." So you're stuck with this one, Ms. Moon, at least as far as I'm concerned. I would have lost them at the bumper sticker, actually. As for the child, that's a hell of a path to be on, a sort of archetypal one, no?

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  19. This bothers me so much. I have sensory overload from it and can't sort it all out. The "common knowledge" part is just going to get worse, and I'm sure many people in their group think about him differently. It's too sad and haunts me.

    What is that saying? We're as sick as our secrets. I hope they handle this well with him.

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  20. Ms Moon. How kind of you to ask! 8th Febuary 19*mumble mumble*! I don't like anyone to waste money on presents of any kind for me, but one of your nice hand made cards would do just nicely, thank you! *cheeky wink* x

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  21. Marsha. What a good mother you are. That's unconditional love. Totally with you as far as your daughter's situation.... I have two roughly the same age. They know I'd kill for them and will always be there for them.
    And as for your stepson (you didn't give an age) again, he's lucky to have you. A child needs stability and to know they are loved. He knows you love him, and hopefully that will stand him in good stead now and when he is older.

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  22. I'm never sure what to think in these things. I will never be a black-and-white girl. Everything is always grey with me.

    I do feel it is a terrible thing that anyone would be brainwashed so much that they could be raped and then not run to get a morning-after pill. Or have them not immediately and easily and anonymously available. The pain of carrying your child to term and then give it away seems so huge I can't even begin to contemplate it.

    Also, I come from a family where sometimes keeping secrets seems like the family hobby of choice. Secrets are poison. They make you question all that was true as well, when you find out.

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  23. Ms. Moon before I put my two cents in the pot, I have a question...
    How did this rape become "common knowledge"? When it comes to rape the media keeps identities private
    did the adoptive mother reveal this information?
    Sarah

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  24. Ms. Fleur- Yes. He is certainly here.

    Rachel- This worries me to pieces too.

    Ginger- I agree.

    Elizabeth- Yes. Almost, can we say? Biblical.

    Joy- And in this case, it is no secret except to the little boy who of course is too young to understand. Complicated.

    Mwa- I agree with you. I can't contemplate the mother's trauma. I cannot.

    Sarah- I feel certain that yes, the information came from the adoptive parents. They talk about it openly.

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  25. If anybody wants to pray for my ass, then great. I need all the damn help I can get, I figure.

    As to the adopted baby--that shit is a quandry. Don't know. I do think love can fix about anything though. I'm an old sap like that.

    Love, SB.

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  26. Oh you write so well! This was beautiful and expressed your genuine concern. Wow. I agree with you and hope the best for this little boy and his life.

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  27. Ms. Bastard- I, too, believe that love can do miracles BUT what does that mean in specific instances? What is the best way to love this child? I have a feeling it may involve keeping ones mouth shut about how he came to be for his own sake until he is old enough to deal with such information.
    I don't know.

    Court- Thank-you but really, it was just a post about something that I can't shake out of my mind. But you are so sweet.

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  28. The adopted parents bragged about it? Like they were showcasing their Christianity in motion?

    It would be my hope that the little boy will grow to become whoever he is, and when he walks into a room, people will think, oh, here's Henry (or whoever), instead of oh, here's the child born of rape so kindly adopted by Mr and Mrs Born Again.

    And also that he will think of his adopted parents as his mother and father, and not fixate on his victim mother and violater father.

    If I were a fairy godmother, I'd bestow those wishes on him.

    That and enough good things in his life so that he never comes to wish he had been aborted.

    Gah.

    It's not easy being human.

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  29. I'm adopted. I was born to a thirteen year old who hid her pregnancy from her parents. That's all I know. I don't know whether my origins were pure or sinister or somewhere in between. I only know my parents picked me up from the hospital as an infant. I've always known I was adopted but I found out the more bothersome details as a teen. Did it affect me adversely? I don't know. And if it didn't, I'm sure something would have. I DO know I am a firm believer in being upfront from the very beginning. A parent only needs to plant the seed early on, as the child ages they will let you know when they need more information. I can only imagine if it isn't handled in an open manner, the person learns the truth and then begins to see their entire life as a lie. I see my life as my own. I do with it what I choose. I like to think the good I do and feel, transcends any of the possibilities of my conception. I am aware of children who are being raised WITH their "sister" by their "mother" and it really burns me up. I WILL say in these particular families it seems to be a well kept secret but it's whispered of behind hands of friends and neighbors. I just don't see how they can ultimately escape a bad outcome.

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  30. Ms. Trouble- That's what I worry about- that behind-the-hands whispering.

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  31. Everyone does have a story. A good one. One that is theirs and theirs alone. Unique to their situation, and their personality.

    Two people could experience the exact same event, but their personalities will help them process that experience in two totally different ways. This young man will grow up, and will ask enough questions some day to know the truth, and when he does, his personality and the nurturing he receives as a child will dictate his response to that truth.

    My mom was honest with me from an early age about my biological father and I will always appreciate her efforts to not lie. She was scared and didn't always know what to say, but it has made dealing with the facts easier in my older years. It helps to go through your processing years (that point where you mature from child to adult and live on your own) without also having to simultaneously go through "discovery" years. It's one thing to learn and deal, and another entirely to process.

    By telling me early, my mom gave me plenty of time to learn and deal, so that when it came time to truly comprehend and process the facts at a later date, I was free to do so without the troubling side effects of discovering dark family secrets.

    Each of us has a story, and a good one. His will be just as good as any other. No matter your beginnings, you write your own endings.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.