Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I Kissed A Girl (Bye-Bye, Sailor, So Long)

Here's me and Lis. We're sitting on the front steps of my house and we were posing for pictures using the MacBook's clever photobooth app. We were taking regular goofy pictures and then she said, "Let's smooch!" So we did. And there you go.

I was going to take her picture with the regular camera, posing in front of the impatiens but the regular camera was giving me grief. It had a message. I don't know what the message meant.
I don't know what my dreams mean lately, either, but they're interesting. I dreamed last night I'd bought a house in town and the yard was covered with old, crumbly linoleum. I kept walking around the yard, pulling up pieces of it, saying, "I can't believe I bought a house with a yard covered in linoleum." There was also the part about the soda fountain in the house where I fired everyone and told everyone to get out, it was my house now, but let's not get all Freudian, okay? It's too hot for that shit.

Ms. Lis said she had strange dreams, too, involving The Wolf so maybe it's something in the air here in Lloyd.

Lis was spending the night as she got to come for a short visit. She arrived yesterday afternoon and we took off to Goodwill and were there so long, looking at dresses and such that by the time Lis checked her watch it was ten minutes until seven and we'd left Lloyd around four. Seriously. I called Mr. Moon right before we left the house and he had just started his trip back from Orlando and he beat us home.
Phew!
But we got some good stuff and we had a lot of fun.

Well, it was fun until I had a real come-to-Jesus moment in the dressing room when I actually looked at my body in the full-length mirror. Sideways. I try to avoid situations like that whenever possible and have avoided it for a long time so it was incredibly shocking to discover that what I had thought was a minor blip in the old weight was staggeringly huge.

I do not get on a scale unless forced to by a medical person.

I mean, I knew my clothes were a little snug in certain places but holy mother of god this is out of hand. I almost wept, right there in the Goodwill dressing room, surrounded by clothes which did not fit me.

And I'm going to Cozumel?

Looking like THIS?

I've got some work to do.

And it's not like I've gone crazy and broken all my dietary habits. I haven't. But I do know my portion sizes have gotten bigger. So yes, I'm still eating the good healthy stuff but just too damn much of it. I mean, this is what's in my refrigerator right now: blackberries, cantaloupe, salad stuff, black beans cooked practically fat free, bread so healthy you need a chain saw to cut it, tofu, hummus, organic peanut butter (I buy crunchy because I don't like it nearly as much, thus insuring I don't eat the whole jar), fat-free yogurt and a bunch of condiments.

How can I be fat?

Well. La-di-dah and la-di-dah and la-di-fuckin'-dah.
Lis loves me anyway.
Mr. Moon does too but why hasn't he said anything? Oh yeah, because I'd kill him if he did. (Thanks, sweetie.)

And so it goes. I'm going to work at this and try to monitor myself more closely and make sure I get up and take my walks before the heat gets into the sunstroke zone. I can lose twenty pounds in five weeks, right?

Hahahahahahahahaha!

So no philosophy over here at Blessourhearts today. Just me and Lis, smooching on the front porch steps. Me feeling fat and hay-fevery.

And now Lis has left to go back to the east side of the state where she's going to babysit her grandson and I'm going to go to Publix. Not because I need food but because the damn cats do.

But first I have to eat my lunch. My tiny lunch.

And y'all- I apologize for this useless and time-wasting post but I'm telling you- the heat has cooked my brains.

And I'm fat. Did you know that? I am.

Love....Ms. Moon (who is fat)

27 comments:

  1. You know better than that!

    Btw, Dinky means small, petite.

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  2. Oh good grief, weren't you the one who told me to go back to New orleans regardless of the fact that I'm lamenting the fact that I was thinner last time I went? Time to take your own advice!
    And I went to Goodwill today, and just to be on the safe side, I bought a pair of pants in a size larger than usual...either they'll fit and I can wear them, or they'll be too big and I can feel skinny. I'm not going to entertain the thought that they might be too tight.

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  3. I think you mean Publix. Going to pubix doesn't sound good AT ALL hahahaha.

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  4. I'm fat, too. That's part of why I'm grouchy today. I also try to avoid mirror views, especially sideways. I was the skinny kid in school. I mean WAY skinny with no boobs. Now, I have boobs, but also a belly, and I don't like having either much. They just seem alien to me.

    My crime is both unhealthy food AND portion sizes and too many libations. I told my mom last night, that I look down and see boobs and a belly, and I wonder what alien has invaded my body. Some damn thing has just taken over! Surely this is not MY body.

    I have to lose 20 in about the same time frame as you, Ms. Moon, so I can fit in a bridesmaid dress for my young cousin's wedding. I ordered a size 10 (one size down) so I would be forced to lose the damn weight. All the other young hos will be wearing sizes 4 and 6. I will be the portly, old bridesmaid and stick out like a damn sore thumb. Jesus H.

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  5. Xbox- Who wouldn't look that way, standing next to Mr. Moon?

    Rachel- You're right. I'm just having a pre-vacay meltdown. I like the pants-size idea. I like to buy big pants myself. Ask my kids.

    Steph- I have corrected! Thank-you. But it was sort of funny.

    Ms. Bastard- Ah. Well. We can change or we can choose not to. Simple but NOT easy.
    Shall we work on this together?

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  6. You are NOT fat. I will not even entertain such nonsense!

    But, I do know what you mean. I eat all the healthy stuff too, just too damn much of it. I could eat veggie meats until I burst.

    Cozumel will adore you either way.

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  7. LOL

    You never fail at making me smile. Heart-warming. Always. LOVE you Ms. Moon. Fat or no fat.

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  8. Ms. Moon,
    Yes. Together. Let's. Maybe we should start Fat Report entries on our blogs. Ha.

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  9. Pft. You haven't been fat since middle school.

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  10. You are a tiny teeny little woman. Itty bitty. Tiny little eenie weenie chicken mama.

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  11. Oh I'm sorry. Were you blogging? I couldn't hear you over all the fat...

    Puhleeze! I'm with the rest of them, eenie weenie chicken mama.

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  12. Lady Lemon- I don't even eat much of the veggie meat because it's so processed. Some, but not a lot. I try to eat mostly the beans and grains and fruits and veggies and non-fat yogurts, etc. Mostly. You know how it goes...

    AJ- I am counting on that.

    Ms. Bastard- Okay. But I am not posting pictures of my nakedness. No way!

    DTG- Uh. This is NOT true.

    May- You are my favorite child. Yes indeed. Don't tell your siblings I said that. (Teehee)

    Ms. Trouble- Okay. You made me laugh.

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  13. trip to Cozumel? = Colon Cleanse:) they say you can loose 10 lbs in a very short time, plus its good for you.

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  14. Colon Cleanse: a way to flush good money down the toilet. Aside from very rare cases, the human body's pretty dang good at getting rid of its own waste products. As soon as someone starts talking about "detoxing" in any context that doesn't mean "drying out from alcohol or drug use", my BS meter starts clanging.

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  15. Ms. P- I sort of have to agree with DGT on this one.
    I've "colon cleansed" before a colonoscopy and well, it wasn't fun.

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  16. Fat, schmat. Life is too short. Of course, I can say that because I am not going to Cozumel, :)

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  17. So funny how everyone comments on the fat thing, which we all do all the time, and NO ONE comments on the girl kissing. Which I for one have never done. Cool!

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  18. Just get some beautiful, long flow-y dresses and you will look lovely and feel confident! Don't waste your time worrying about fat (which may or may NOT be as bad as you think)! :)

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  19. Kori- You know you'd be worrying about bathing suits. You KNOW you would. And you'd be silly, too.

    Mwa- Isn't that funny? I find that very interesting. DO PEOPLE THINK IT'S A JOKE THAT I KISSED A GIRL? Huh? What? Because I love that girl. And we kissed.

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  20. I think that picture of you and Lizzie kissing is so cute. But do I now have to worry about you and her leaving both Daddy and Lon and going to New Hampshire to get married? Just wondering...
    Oh, and you are absolutely beautiful and not fat! You always have to be wary of those Goodwill mirrors because they are so cheap they're practically funhouse mirrors. I have found that more often than not, they make us short and fat looking. Now I think Gap uses mirrors that make us look like models. That's my theory anyway.

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  21. HoneyLuna- Nah. Lis and I are probably not leaving our fellas. They're too nice.
    And of course Gap mirrors make you look like a model. You DO look like a model, you silly girl.

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  22. may is my favorite child, too...

    Tiny little eenie weenie chicken mama.

    love that.

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  23. Aw, Ms Moon. I'm fat too. And your diet is so much better than mine
    I've eaten many biscuits today. And only one vegetable. Though raw brocolli is virtuous, right?

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  24. I know you've seen ladies way bigger than you strolling down those Cozumel beaches in tiny little eenie weenie bikinis with gold chains holding those skimpy pieces in place. I know you've seen them cause I've seen them. So don't you worry. You will be a gorgeous smooching sun goddess.

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  25. Ginger- Yeah. I got the long flowy dresses. And the cargo shorts.

    Adrienne- She's pretty funny, that May girl.

    Ms. Jo- Raw broccoli gives me horrible gas. It's not even really polite to talk about raw broccoli in my presence.

    Michelle- It's true. But you know, I can't help but wonder where they get the courage. Wherever it is, I don't shop there. The only time I've ever felt comfortable in a bikini was when I was pregnant. Ironic, right? THEN I felt gorgeous.

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  26. I don't even care about the fat part. Everyone is fat - we just don't know it because the clothing industry is brilliant and keeps changing the clothes sizes.

    BUT - girl smooching?! Yeah, Baby! You knew I would like that, didn't you? :)

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  27. Windy- I knew you would like that. I did. But it was Lis who suggested that smooch.
    You never can tell about those girly-girls, can you?

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.