Tuesday, December 22, 2020

(No) Thanks For the Memories


 Carpet of Bradford pear leaves

I had a few things to do in town today. I could zip through them and get home in short order. That was my plan. 
Haha!
What is it about going to town that makes time slow and speed and warp and weave itself in such unusual and unaccountable ways? 
I do not know.
I first stopped by Hank and Rachel's to drop off a bag of assorted frozen meat packages and eggs. Rachel gave me Christmas cookies to bring home and I will admit I have already eaten two and they are the best damn cookies I've ever eaten. We chatted for a few minutes on their back porch. Rachel had settled Hank into a chair with a blanket and he said he felt like someone from Little Women, an invalid, taking the sun. He looks completely happy and good. 
After I left there I dropped off a skull and a jawbone and a tooth in a box at a friend's house. I know. That sounds strange. Her son is doing a project of some sort and she's put out a message on FB to see if anyone had such things they'd be willing to give up. These items had been sitting on top of my circuit breaker box for forever. We find these things in the woods and bring them home to examine and then what do you do with them? So I was most happy to give them away. 
On to the compounding pharmacy where I get my hormones. There was a situation there with a homeless guy and that took a little time. Nothing bad. I decided to check out an Indian grocery store as I am almost out of sesame seeds and they cost a small fortune at the regular grocery stores but go for a pittance at the import stores. I bought a bag of them and a bag of whole nutmeg and by then I was hungry and decided I would give myself a huge treat and go through a Middle Eastern drive-through for a falafel pita. It wasn't too far out of the way. So I detoured a little and went to where the place used to be but no longer is and had to turn around and go back to its new location and I got my pita and then I drove to a parking lot and ate it and somehow all of that took about an hour. I suppose it was sort of worth it. 
(Not really.)
I had thought I'd go to Costco, mostly just to see if I could find something, anything, for Levon to open on Christmas because his pink heavy equipment isn't going to be here until after. I decided, however, to just go to Big Lots and find him a little something-something and I did and it was ridiculous because basically I risked my life (although everyone was masked properly) to get him some cheap trucks that he doesn't need but I DID find some rainbow wrapping paper with snowflakes on it that will thrill August to no end. 
On to Publix and then finally home and I am exhausted and hoping with all of my heart that I have not picked up the virus by some unthinking action. It would be ironic if I died due to Christmas-related activities, wouldn't it? 

I was thinking last night about all of the things I used to do for Christmas and I know that every mother/wife/woman can identify with the tasks that we have felt or do feel we must accomplish in order for our families to have anything near resembling a happy Christmas. The amount of cooking and baking alone was unbelievable. There were endless gifts to buy and cards to write and the house to decorate and the wrapping to do and I carried so much guilt and resentment inside of me as I drove from malls to grocery stores, to little local shops and back to malls and back to the grocery stores and to top it all off, I always seemed to make presents for people. Nightgowns for my kids, pillows for friends. Bread for my children's teachers. Cookies for neighbors. 
How in the world did I do it? 
And why? Why did I do it? I did not enjoy a bit of it except for the Christmas Eve hanging of the stockings and the Christmas morning opening of the presents. 
I suppose I did it because that's what I was supposed to do. As a mother for my children. As a wife for my husband and his parents and relatives. As a woman for my brothers, my mother, and for my friends. There had to be light and cheer and delicious smells and the perfect presents and a beautiful Christmas tree and Christmas cards hung on the wall and if you wonder why my favorite Christmases have been spent in Mexico with nothing to do but to wish people "Felice Navidad," and to snorkel in the beautiful clear water, and to eat whatever we can find to eat and to walk past the houses in town where you can easily look in through the open windows to see other families' trees and decorations (it's not peeping Tomism, you can't possibly walk by without seeing them) and the church which is open on all sides where the Christmas mass is being held in Spanish, of course, and to end the day sitting outside and looking at the stars and moon shine their faces over the Caribbean sea while the palm trees sway above me making whispery gossip on the night breeze- well- I'm sorry.

No I'm not. 

Carry on. 

Love...Ms. Moon




34 comments:

  1. well....as you said, you didn't enjoy all that christmas activity in years past or today and I think many of us would agree...we did it because we felt it was needed. I am feeling a difference acutely this year also, it is boiling down to truth, honesty, and what we *really* need. And..... mainly we need human interaction, to share our love with friends and family as much/little is currently possible....re-evaluating what is REALLY important to us all. Bottom line......love and sharing is *it*. Gifts, baking, not really.....fun, but not needed
    love and hugs to you and family
    Susan M

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    1. Some people do absolutely LOVE all of the stuff that goes along with Christmas and to them I say- god bless ya! And there were parts I guess I enjoyed but it was all just so much in such a short amount of time and the stress of it overwhelmed me. And more than anything- I could never, ever see the connection between baby Jesus and any of that other stuff.

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  2. I hope that you get back to Cozumel...one day.

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  3. For some reason I am sorely missing tradition this year. My mom died eleven years ago and the missing her is deeply profound right now. I found our dog’s Christmas stocking today (she died in April) and I sobbed for an hour. Hubby doesn’t want the traditional Christmas breakfast casserole this year, and has decided apple fritters from the 7-Eleven will suffice. Oh, and the big ham I wanted to cut with criss crosses and stick cloves all over it and the most wonderful brown sugar and pineapple glaze will now be a spiral sliced ham that came with its own packet of (I’m sure) nasty glaze. My eyes are swollen, my nose is stuffed up, and I even get those hiccups I used to get when I was a kid and cried too much. I think when I go to bed tonight I’ll just sleep until this crap is all over.

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    1. Oh, honey! That's terrible! You should make the casserole for yourself! And why can't you bake your traditional ham? Don't use that packet of goop. Make your own glaze. You have to do what makes your heart happy. It's only fair and right. Not having to do the traditional thing is a great relief for some but obviously, not for you!

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  4. Christmas never worked well for me; I basically left it up to the children, and they've never forgiven me. And so it goes...

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  5. My grandparents were from Sweden and they just loved Christmas. As a child there was a full house and a Christmas Eve smorgasbord complete with herring and fish pudding. I kept that up as long as my mother was alive and my son now makes me swedish meatballs and herring. We will "see" each other via computer on Christmas Eve this year like so many many families. Like you, Mary,I always struggled through the holidays. I hope you get back to your Cozumel next year.

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    1. I think a lot of us have struggled and do struggle with all of the Christmas expectations. Even the traditions that are begun lovingly in families can become burdens over the years. I hope that whatever form your Christmas takes, it brings you some joy.

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  6. I hope you can go again in a year or so and enjoy what you can of the day. Sending hugs.

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  7. Rachel sounds like an angel!
    I like getting gifts and giving gifts. I’m not a fan of shopping for the gifts and you could pick out my wrapping job a mile away. Martha Stewart, i ain’t!
    Debbie

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    1. Rachel IS an angel. She's just a love.
      You and I should have a wrap-off. Trust me, my wrapping is worse than yours. A four-year old could do better than I do.

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  8. Merry Christmas- be best, hahaha. I am so missing everyone, Hugged oldest son and his wife today, first hug since last year at this time. Just kill me...

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    1. Yep. Melania and I sure could find common ground there.
      I gave Maggie and Gibson backward hugs today. Which probably would have been fine if I hadn't nuzzled their heads.
      Oh well.

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  9. I can't think many men I've ever known who have had the burden of producing a 'wonderful Christmas' for their family--with ALL the (fricking) attendant duties--that every woman I know has had laid upon her shoulders. No wonder most of us ended up simply feeling exhausted and not a little resentful.

    Here's wishing you a Cozumel Christmas in 2021.

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    1. I don't know ANY men who have taken on that burden. I'm sure there are some but I don't personally know them.

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    2. I almost said the same thing, but one of my sons actually does quite a bit of the Christmas prep and year round family caring as well--even though Mom is SAHM (a terrific one) and he works FT. Often makes dinner, cleans, does most of the grocery shopping, gives nightly bath to the 3 under 5, changes diapers, reads them to sleep, arranges for presents and outings. So, yes, I do know at least one. Might be the only one. :)

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  10. I always wondered what Christmas would be like if I left my ex to do it. Bugger all I suspect because as you know all that "Christmassy stuff" just happens - it never actually takes any work by anyone (I'm using the irony font here)!

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    1. It's like the magic toilets that clean themselves. Right?

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  11. christmas in this country is so over the top with extravagance and the myth of perfection. everything has to be perfect or you may as well not even try. and the expectations of all that are impossible to achieve. and of course it all falls on the women to be responsible for it to happen. and my particular pet peeve is that any tragedy that happens is worse because it happens at christmastime which is totally bullshit and makes me angry whenever I hear someone say that. the most freeing thing I have done is to say fuck that shit, I'm not doing it.

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    1. FUCK HALLMARK for those stupid, sappy, cheesy, vapid, lying movies that have added to the national myths about the "meaning of Christmas" along with the advertisements for everything from jewelry to liquor. Let's start a "Fuck That Shit, I'm Not Doing It" movement.

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  12. It's funny -- I grew up in a house where we had a pretty minimalist Christmas. We traveled up to my grandmother's and she had a little tabletop tree and we all have each other one gift, and we went to church and had dinner. And that was that! I won't lie and say that I wasn't jealous of others who had more lavish celebrations, but I think it was good for me that we kept things simple.

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    1. And that was another thing- even as a small child I knew that although what we got for Christmas was relatively modest, there were lots of kids I knew who didn't get jackshit for Christmas and why was that if Santa Claus brought the presents? I grew up amidst a lot of real poverty. Something seemed screwy about it all from the get-go.

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  13. Christmas was so busy when my 5 kids were young. I remember them fighting over the Sears Christmas catalog that came at Thanksgiving so they could make their lists! I always tried to find everything on their list and also to make sure they each got the equal number of gifts. I was a Catholic back then so we always had lots of Church events to go to as well as school Holiday programs. It was a lot of work as you said and I don't mind that I did it but I am sure glad I don't have to do it anymore!

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    1. Oh yeah! The school holiday programs! And I bet you did have a lot of church events to attend. I bet you are glad you don't have to do it anymore and I also bet you were really, really good at it when you did it.

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  14. Christmas is a lot of work but it does bring light during the dark months (for some, it is sunny again today in CA, where we desperately need rain). I do love the decorating cookies with friends part, giving gifts to the grandchildren and bringing evergreens into the house. I just need an assistant to do all the prep work that leads to the fun payoff times. Don't we all! Wishing you moments of Joy and a Much Better New Year! x0x0 N2

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    1. Thank you, dear N2. And I can definitely see how, especially long ago, the solstice celebration with a true Yule log and the feasting before the rest of the long, long winter would be very meaningful as well as fun and joyful! But we've sort of lost the huge need for light and extra fuel at this point. But whatever you enjoy is beautiful.

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  15. I am with you, would gladly spend my xmas holidays somewhere in the sun (have done and it was always the best). AND I WILL AGAIN AND SO WILL YOU!!!!
    I must admit I enjoyed the xmas my in-laws organised where all I had to do was maybe some dishes or fold the napkins.

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    1. I think I became the family matriarch at about age twelve. That's stretching it a little bit but not by much.
      Here's to Christmas beside a glorious sea for you and me, Sabine!

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  16. Oh Lord... your blog has been the ONLY bright spot during this plague year and hell of the current asshole presidency.

    I've LOVED your honesty and your magnificent humor!

    THIS saturday night live skit with Eddie Murphy says it all when it comes to forced family/holiday cheer. ENJOY! LOL

    Eddie Murphy SNL Family Christmas

    Karen
    Merry Christmas

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    1. Thanks, Karen. I really appreciated your words. More than you can know. And that was a fabulous video. I love it! It's The Truth.

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  17. Whoops! Link didn't work with blogger and firefox.

    democraticunderground.com/1017627568

    Karen

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