Friday, May 31, 2019

Maggie Says I Am A Good Pee-er

Mr. Moon did indeed get home last night and he did kiss me and he got up before I did and was just about out the door for work when I finally got up at 8:30.
Hello.
Goodbye.

For some reason I thought that maybe he'd not go into work today or perhaps go in late or...something.
"I didn't make you a lunch," I said.
"That's all right," he told me and gave me a hug.

We ended up meeting for lunch in town anyway. It was Owen and Gibson's last day of school before summer vacation and we got together at the restaurant where May works which was not great timing on our part because the health inspector showed up today and as anyone who has ever worked in food service knows. that's just damn stressful.
Plus it was busy.
But we got good lunches anyway because May is a professional although we didn't go through our usual routine of hundreds of hugs.
Sigh.


August and Gibson. I like Gibson's hair.


Levon and his mama. When I came into the restaurant, he puckered up and I leaned over and got a kiss from him. He's starting to be more affectionate and I love it. 

And I didn't get one other picture. Not one. 

I'm in a slough of despair here lately. I don't know what's going on. It appears to me that I am refusing to enjoy my life. I'm going through all of the motions but it all feels a bit lifeless. 
Plod, plod, plod. 
That's what it feels like. 
I never feel as if I have anything to offer when it comes to conversation or social situations. I feel like an observer and not a participant. Not with the children, so much. They are so present in themselves that it's almost impossible not to join them there on that level. I took Maggie to the restroom with me today because she said she needed to go and as I sat on the toilet she said, "Good job, peeing, Mer!" and how can you not respond to that in kind?
"Thank-you, Maggie," I said. 
It's been a long time since I was congratulated on my peeing ability. 
Sorry if that's a bit too personal but the fact of the matter is, we all pee. If we don't, we die so it's a pretty important function. 

And that was about the highlight of my day. 
I came home and weeded some beans and corn and then started pulling more crocosmia in the backyard near the porch. I couldn't make it much longer than an hour at these chores. Although the temperature had fallen to a relatively balmy 91, it feels more humid and thus, still miserable. It almost looked like we might get some rain but it passed without touching us and the forecast doesn't call for more until next Friday and that's a ridiculous amount of time to be forecasting for and doesn't mean shit. 

One thing I did do today was to sign us up for a free trial of HBO so that we can watch the Deadwood movie tonight. I've been looking forward to this for a long time. As I may have mentioned before, I think that Deadwood is the best thing I've ever seen on TV. The language slays me and I'm not just talking about the cursing which is absolutely the most profoundly and perfectly profane use of cussing I've ever heard. 
I stand in awe. 
No, it's not just that. It's the Elizabethan slant and tilt to it all with the vulgarity fitted in so sweetly and naturally that I swoon. 
And oh my god- the characters and the actors who portray them! 
And the set, which is a thing of wonder. 
The writing, the plots, the whole dang thing is just so excellent. 
So yes, I am looking forward to that. 

And I suppose this is all I have to say this evening. I'm not even going to go into my usual, "This too shall pass, I know that...blah, blah, blah."
Whatever. 
And I'm not feeling inclined to list all of the many reasons I have for being grateful. 
I am grateful. Fucking grateful. 
I guess I'm going to just "sit with my feelings" as the newest advice goes when it comes to these things. 
Yeah. I'll sit with them. And sleep with them. And weed with them. And cook with them. And do the dishes with them. And make the bed with them. And obviously, write with them. 

Time to cook the supper. 

Happy Friday, y'all.

Love...Ms. Moon


39 comments:

  1. I hear you on the exhaustion and mental stuff -- I have to believe and want to blame Trump for all of it. He's just taken so much from us.

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    1. I can't blame Trump for all of it but I sure can give him credit for a lot of it. Fuck him.

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  2. Oh, I loved watching the series Deadwood. My favorite character was E.B.Farnum, the proprietor of the Grand Central Hotel. I don't know what I liked best - his eloquent speech or his eternally greasy hair.

    I just googled some E.B.Farnum quotes, and they made me laugh out loud. Here are two of them:

    "Allow me a moment's silence, Mr. Hearst, Sir. I'm having a digestive crisis and must focus on suppressing its expression.”

    "Could you have been born, Richardson? And not egg-hatched as I've always assumed?"

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    1. E.B. Farnum is an ageless and timeless character. He is Shakespearian, he is Dickensian. He is IN NEED OF A GOOD WASHING! And he was fabulous in the movie. I did note that his hair was a bit less greasy but his speech was as eloquent as ever.

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  3. I, too, love and am slightly shocked by the language of that! And, I, too, understand the absolutely unreasonable feelings that betray all the wonderfulness of our lives. It doesn't make sense, it goes against all the beautiful that we have, and it confuses our loved ones, who have always and only tried to be understanding and loving. We cannot explain and we can only say that we are sorry for the sad. I hope it is enough for those we love.

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    1. You are exactly correct- we are so sorry for the sad. And it is not the fault in the least of those who love us. They are the reason we are still here.
      May they know that.

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  4. August almost has an earring; against the painting behind him. He does have one fine shirt!
    Mary, I've been slogging through the damn slough of despair only three years, since the TBI. I tried hard to be who I thought I was, or cover up for not being. I eventually settled back into watching what was going on. I've found that life can go on easily without me, and that younger generation would be carrying on, making their own lives, if I were here or not. So I mostly let it go. I pitch in where I can, and just occupy the sidelines when I'd be a bother. I see this is still hard to explain. Don't beat yourself up. Keep your chin above water. Good for you, ordering up some free HBO. Watch a lot of TV. Read books. Stay in except when it's real cool. Drink water and pee a lot.
    I may not hit publish after I reread this. Maybe sometime I'll try this subject again.

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    1. I thought the same thing! about August and his earring.

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    2. Joanne- that is good advice. Let it go. Pitch in where we can, occupy the sidelines when we might be a bother. It's odd, isn't it? And yet, here we are. I will try not to beat myself up. You are a mentor to me in ways that you probably don't even know. And honey, honestly- every bit of advice you gave here is wonderful. Especially "drink water and pee a lot." I do those things like they are my job! I'm glad you hit "publish." I truly am.

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  5. Good night Mary Moon. I blame TBS (Trump Burnout Syndrome) and the damn heat when I'm feeling the way you describe. We did actually get a good rain storm this afternoon and it was so very, very needed. I know you understand.

    I've never seen Deadwood but I will try it on your recommendation. And you should watch some of John Oliver's shows while you have HBO. He's my favorite. :)

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    1. Oh, I LOVE John Oliver. He's amazing. So intelligent and so dry and so intense. Yes, please watch some Deadwood and tell me what you think.
      Also? Trump plus heat? Bad, bad combination.
      Glad you got rain. We will eventually and how happy I will be.

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  6. The business of not feeling you have anything to offer in social siturations--it may be that your timing is not suited to the common social interactions. We your readers know that you have profound and valuable insights for which we your readers keep coming back to here regularly; that may be your preferred mode of communicating, while in the moment conversation, in a group especially, doesn't give you time or space to do your thing.

    I feel exactly the same only I don't really have the profound thoughts (or write them down either.)

    Anyway, your daughters seem to seek out your company, not that common a thing, so I am sure they find great value in your participation. There's too much of it to be just out of duty.

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    1. It is a miracle to me that my children do seem to enjoy my company. And honestly, being with them is my main social outlet.
      Thanks for your sweet words. Thanks for being here.

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  7. I wish you rest and sweet dreams, Mary Moon. Don't worry so much.

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    1. "Don't worry so much."
      Best advice ever.
      I will try.

      Delete
  8. I never watched it! Now I want to, but there's loads of it, isn't there?

    I seem to have forgotten how to enjoy life too. And all the young people's culture really annoys me, because, clearly, I'm old now. But I don't like old people either. I like you, though, Mary. I firmly believe it's all in the gut, but I'm not quite sure what to do about it.

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    1. Only three seasons, Jo! Watch it all. You won't be disappointed.
      Unless you are and then you can stop watching it! Give it a chance, though.
      I like you, too, Jo. And it may all well be in the gut but yeah- what do we do about that? The science isn't there yet.

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    2. Hmm. Kinda is, just doctors aren't. And it's hard to find the right guides.

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  9. The last time I was congratulated on my peeing ability I must have been ten years old. In the boys' toilet at my primary school we would see how high we could pee up the wall. I doubt that the school caretaker would have been too happy to learn that this Olympic-style event was so popular.

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    1. Boys are so weird. Then again, it's hard for a woman to understand what life with a penis would be like.

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  10. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    1. Anyone who misspells the common word "should" must be exceedingly stupid and liable to spread stupid notions.

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    2. You are one hate filled individual. And you can't spell. So sad.

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    3. I deleted that shit. WTF?

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  11. I've been in a slump myself. We are at a crappy time in history. There's no beating around the bush. I try to ignore it enough to stay sane, but not so much that I'm ignorant! It's a balancing act.

    Keep pulling your crocosmia and tending your chickens and your garden. It's all good for you. (And your readers. :) )

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    1. Steve, I'm sorry to hear you're in a slump. But you're right. This is one fucking weird time in history. I guess whatever we can do to keep ourselves even remotely sane is what we need to do.

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  12. I know I'm hardly one to give advice about depression since I spent last weekend trying not to think about death, but this book is a very good book.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Happiness_Hypothesis

    I also find that work helps, even though I have to work with an incredibly stupid nurse who thinks she is the end all and be all, sadly she's not, but my patients lift me up everyday. Helping someone else, making their day just a little better helps me feel better.

    If we lived closer we could together, that would be nice. Sending hugs.

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    1. I'll check it out, Lilycedar.
      And I often wonder what my mental health would be like if I had a "real" job.

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  13. I forgot the word walk. Walk together. Aaaggghhh!

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  14. I know. I can't get motivated to do anything but waste time and read. like Steve said, it's a crappy time in history and just thinking about what's going on is a serious downer. I'm determined to get back to work...on Monday. but I've said that many times before.

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  15. looks like the "anonymous" troll found your always delightful blog! Russian infiltration no doubt, just another example of hideous human. Anyway, good peeing is a skill and can be a fun break in a day , using kegels to control the flow to make little tunes of splash and stream...that is how I entertain myself!
    You are feeling what anyone with heart and thought should be feeling at this moment in "crappy history". We are on the same train, sister, and there is no God ever invented going to take us out of this mess!

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    1. And in fact, all of the invented gods have helped get us here.
      At least that's what I think.

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  16. The mouth of babes. How could she have known she was piercing the bubble of despair in that moment, and yet she did, just by being her sweet generous affirmed and affirming self. Yes, live, weed, sleep, watch Deadwood, rock with the feelings. I hope they pass soon. You may be just too much of an empath for this world and you're drinking in the wider world's despair. It sure is a fucked up time. I love you.

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    1. I'd like to think that it's because I'm an empath but my go-to feeling is always that I'm just being a whiny wussy.
      And why IS that?
      I love you too. So much.

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  17. It's interesting that the troll has found you, and two other bloggers I read who are not in this sphere. I wonder how he has found you all. I clicked through to see the website (wish I hadn't, I may have to delete all my cookies) and it's truly vile. I think it's written by three men who have zero success with women.

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    1. Incels are members of an online subculture who define themselves as unable to find a romantic or sexual partner despite desiring one, a state they describe as inceldom. Self-identified incels are largely white and are almost exclusively male heterosexuals. The term is a portmanteau of "involuntary celibates"

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    2. I am not going to try and figure that shit out. Delete, delete, delete.
      I think it's spam. Incel spam, perhaps, but spam.

      Delete

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