Sunday, August 19, 2018

So. This Happened

Yesterday late afternoon before I even wrote my post I had what I suppose was an anxiety attack. Or was it a panic attack? I don't know. But I managed to work through it up until later on in the evening and it got pretty bad. Even though I knew what was going on, it still felt as if I might be dying and I thought back to those times years ago when I was literally living in a state of panic and didn't even really understand what was happening and worst of all- had no medication for it.
Now I do have medication which I rarely need, rarely take, but when I need it I am so fucking grateful for it.
This sort of anxiety is absolutely impossible to explain. For me at least. There is that sense of deep and imminent danger. It may be a focused sense or a nebulous one. It doesn't matter because either way there is no logic to it, there is simply the out-of-control adrenal system kicking one's ass into a cosmos of fear. And of course the body cooperates with the mind by handing you a plateful of physical symptoms to go along with the irrational thoughts which give credence and evidence to these feelings.
Breathe, you tell yourself. Breathe. Center yourself. 
And when it's a full-on fuck-you-upper, that shit is just about useless.
Although I probably just don't know how to breathe properly or center myself properly or something which I'm obviously not any damn good at.
But I tell you what- after I took that tiny Ativan and got in my bed and tried to keep my mind busy with reading while the crazy was kicking my brain and I finally felt a slow but real ebbing of the panic, it was a sort of heaven. Well. I can't really call it a heaven because there was no sense of ecstasy or anything like that. It was just a slow cessation of the foil-biting feeling of panic. Which yeah, was heaven enough.

Maurice must have known what was going on. She actually came and got on the bed with me and even when Jack jumped up to take his accustomed place beside me when I sleep, she growled deeply but did not move. This is most unusual behavior for her. And then she cautiously settled up on the pillow above my head and Jack nestled his bulky body by my feet and well, as Rebecca says...The Animal Gods.
What do we do to deserve them?

So. Today has been a day of anxiety hangover wherein I have not gone farther than the front yard to collect my newspaper or the backyard to feed my chickens. I did finish up Maggie's dress except for possibly a little embroidery that I might do on it. I also made a pair of shorts to go under it. And I've spoken with my husband whom I think is getting a little weary of sitting in a boat for hours at a time waiting for a gator to come and chomp down on a piece of beef lung. I think he's still enjoying the beauty of the rivers though, and the wilds they are floating through.
Here's another picture he sent me.


Who IS that man in the sky? 

And Jessie and Vergil and their boys made it home safely and I will go and see them tomorrow. How absolutely wonderful it will be to have a good conversation with August, to see if Levon still remembers me and lets me love on him. 

This coming up week is the week in which Violet's eggs hatch if any of them are viable. I SO hope they are. 

And thank you all for the wonderful answers you gave to me in response to my ridiculous number of nosy questions last night. I was trying to distract myself and you helped tremendously and you also made me smile. And be intrigued. 

As Billy would say- I love your guts. 

Ms. Moon



20 comments:

  1. I love Ativan. That is all I am going to say about that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't say I love it but I can say that when I need it, I sure am glad I have it.

      Delete
  2. I get those panic attacks when I am on the commuter train which is like a cattle car with standing room only. I feel as if I am going to faint and it is disabling as it affects my ability to go out and earn a living. My psychiatrist recommends box breathing in the acute stage: Breathe all the way out, then breathe in for 5 seconds, hold your breath for 5 seconds, exhale for 5 seconds and pause for 5 seconds. It's hard to do whilst hyperventilating and initially makes me feel lightheaded and sometimes I can only do 4 seconds but it really really works in under a minute. But ugh, the hangover. I just cry and cry. But at least now I acknowledge to my little girl self that this is PTSD and I know the source of it all.

    -invisigal

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Knowing why is a huge step in being able to handle it. Sounds like good advice from your psychiatrist and I will try that.

      Delete
  3. I'm so glad you had medicine on hand to help you deal with the panic attack. I hope you have a nice, relaxing evening and a sound sleep tonight.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I don't know that I've ever had a panic attack but I've had depression that feels like a physical pain that will never stop.

    I'm glad you're feeling better this morning and animals always help:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Depression AND anxiety can create real physical symptoms and that's just the truth. This is part of their power and their danger.
      And yes, animals DO help. My chickens and my cats are of invaluable help for me. They soothe me.

      Delete
  5. I am so glad you found relief, cessation and comfort. The devotion of our animal companions is an amazing thing. Wishing you a good day tomorrow.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I had frequent panic attacks for about 6 months (related to circumstances which I finally got over). My overriding urge was to RUN AWAY. It was horrible - rapid heart beat, feeling of doom, and despair, etc. etc. I sought help from a psychologist and she helped me develop some strategies that worked to some degree. I am in awe of you for coping with it and managing to have a life in spite of it. You rock.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think I can take any credit. I simply have to go on with life or my thoughts will absolutely overwhelm me. I do not mean that I try to ignore what I'm feeling- that is impossible. But I do try to keep it in a place where I can handle it. And when I can't do that I take medication. I'm not ashamed of that.

      Delete
  7. I was sorry to hear about your disconcerting panic attack Ms Moon and hope that as this week progresses you can put it behind you. When Mr Moon returns with a trunk filled with alligator meat, I suspect that you'll feel properly secure and "normal" once again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my god, Mr. Pudding! "A trunk filled with alligator meat!" Yes. I am sure that would make me feel completely normal again.
      Haha!
      I think he's given up that plan and is on to fishing. A cooler full of fish is always a beautiful thing. And so is having my husband home.

      Delete
  8. glad you made it through. I don't have panic attacks though I've had an anxiety attack once or twice mostly concerned with an imminent installation. but the relax/release of it seems similar to when my a-fib is acting up and I'm laying in bed thinking calm, smooth, normal, relax, breathe, calm, etc. and then I feel it start to relax and go back into its regular rhythm and yes, it's like heaven.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes m'am. It is like that, Ellen. You KNOW what it is, you KNOW you're not going to die, you KNOW you just have to breathe and live through it. But it's hell when it's happening and heaven when it stops.

      Delete
  9. Fingers crossed for Violet's eggs! I'm glad the Ativan helped dispel that bone-crunching fearfulness. Our bodies are so mysterious. I think we're designed to run from dinosaurs (well, maybe not dinosaurs, but large predators) and we just don't do that kind of thing anymore, which leaves us with nowhere to put our fear reactions.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do believe that's part of it, Steve. Honestly. And at one point, it was probably evolutionarily positive.
      Not any more, dammit.
      It simply sucks when you've got all of that adrenaline rushing through your body and nothing at all to use it for. It's a nightmare.

      Delete
  10. I totally relate to empathise with and understand I too am rescued by animal gods and l truly believe that they know when to manifest in their true form and put their mortal differences aside as Jack and Maurice did. You are a warrior. No ifs no buts. Love Maggi

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm sorry you had that terrible anxiety attack and glad that it's over. I am beset with these general feelings of doom which are kind of like a stifled anxiety, and there doesn't seem anything to do for them, but then they lift quite mysteriously. Sigh.

    ReplyDelete

Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.