Sort Of Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

I cannot possibly tell you all how much I appreciate the thoughtful and wise and empathetic and often very personal comments you left on yesterday's post. I felt, even as I tapped the cursor on "Publish" that I had not expressed myself very well. That the subject of forgiveness is so many layered and complex that even trying to come up with a definition of it is impossible. And many of you noted that what forgiveness means to you is probably different than what it may mean to others. In just now looking up a definition of the word, I see that some believe that there are three types of forgiveness. They are exoneration, forbearance, and release. I understand what exoneration and release mean but I am not quite sure about forbearance. Does that mean to simply not bring the subject up again? To say, "Yes, it happened, but we shall not discuss it further"?

Of course exoneration is hardly appropriate in many cases where someone has caused another great pain. And release is what a lot of you practice or try to practice. But I think that many of us forbear. 

I do not know. 

Another thing I don't know is how one would go about releasing the burden and the pain of what someone has done to hurt us. I probably dream about my stepfather at least once a week. Sometimes I scream at him if he tries to get near me. Sometimes, I just avoid him. But these dreams are always awful. I'm used to them and they are as much a part of my dream world as messy houses and needing to take care of children and not having the ability to feed the people I am supposed to feed. I think I understand why these themes are so commonly part of my sleeping mind's ramblings, but that does not seem to help to get rid of them. 
In other words, I do not seem to be able to release them. 

Well. That's enough of that subject for awhile. 
I've had a lot of time to think today and I'm never sure whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. But I took a walk and found pretty areas on the road's shoulders where blooming violets have created a sort of treen and purple quilt. 

That's just a little patch in one of those areas. See those round leaves and the oblong ones with sort of serrated edges? Those are the two main weeds I pull from my garden and other parts of my yard. They are dollar weed and betony and they both have long, fleshy white roots that snake through the dirt and are hard to completely dig out because they love to snap if you tug them instead of digging them. I do not mind them at all though, in the wild. 

And I did some weeding of those this afternoon. It was not fun, even though I was listening to "Crook Manifesto" as I worked. Being on my knees is not easy. To put it bluntly- it fucking hurts. I am the sort of person who likes to look at a task and give myself a definite portion of it to do if I know I cannot do it all. "I will finish this row and then that one," I will vow. But I am finding now that I can't really do that. I can go as far as I can go and then I have to stop. It's very much the same with walking. I used to feel as if I could walk across the world, given a path and decent shoes. That the only thing that could make me stop would be the need to eat and sleep. And I walked fast. 
Those days are over. I damn well should have walked across the world while I was able to do it. But I am grateful that I can still weed and walk at all and we are having such perfectly perfect days that being outside is a joy. 

Here are some azaleas blooming in my side yard over by the church.

I wonder how old that bush is. I picked some and brought them in along with two sprigs of the tea olive. 

I keep trying to come up with new ways to describe the scent of those tiny tea olive blooms and today I think I will say that they are what angels make perfume out of.

The photo at top is my dismal attempt to get a shot of the camellia blooms. I swear- they are already loving getting more sun. The Japanese magnolias are also in there as are several GD bamboo plants that I missed last spring when it was time to kick the sprouts. I need to cut them out of there and be more vigilant when it comes to seeing them when they shoot up through the other plants. Soon, it will be time to kick the bamboo. Can you believe that? 

We are having leftover buffet tonight which always makes me think of what a guy I knew used to say sometimes when he ate supper with us which was, "Um, I'm not sure I've ever seen this exact combination of foods before."
We will have some of the velvety black bean soup I made yesterday, a few spoonfuls of some seafood au gratin with rice, and a salad. Also, some of the sourdough bread I baked yesterday. Finally- a loaf I was not ashamed of. 

Be well, y'all. 

Love...Ms. Moon