Monday, February 26, 2024

Sort Of Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming




I cannot possibly tell you all how much I appreciate the thoughtful and wise and empathetic and often very personal comments you left on yesterday's post. I felt, even as I tapped the cursor on "Publish" that I had not expressed myself very well. That the subject of forgiveness is so many layered and complex that even trying to come up with a definition of it is impossible. And many of you noted that what forgiveness means to you is probably different than what it may mean to others. In just now looking up a definition of the word, I see that some believe that there are three types of forgiveness. They are exoneration, forbearance, and release. I understand what exoneration and release mean but I am not quite sure about forbearance. Does that mean to simply not bring the subject up again? To say, "Yes, it happened, but we shall not discuss it further"?

Of course exoneration is hardly appropriate in many cases where someone has caused another great pain. And release is what a lot of you practice or try to practice. But I think that many of us forbear. 

I do not know. 

Another thing I don't know is how one would go about releasing the burden and the pain of what someone has done to hurt us. I probably dream about my stepfather at least once a week. Sometimes I scream at him if he tries to get near me. Sometimes, I just avoid him. But these dreams are always awful. I'm used to them and they are as much a part of my dream world as messy houses and needing to take care of children and not having the ability to feed the people I am supposed to feed. I think I understand why these themes are so commonly part of my sleeping mind's ramblings, but that does not seem to help to get rid of them. 
In other words, I do not seem to be able to release them. 

Well. That's enough of that subject for awhile. 
I've had a lot of time to think today and I'm never sure whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. But I took a walk and found pretty areas on the road's shoulders where blooming violets have created a sort of treen and purple quilt. 

That's just a little patch in one of those areas. See those round leaves and the oblong ones with sort of serrated edges? Those are the two main weeds I pull from my garden and other parts of my yard. They are dollar weed and betony and they both have long, fleshy white roots that snake through the dirt and are hard to completely dig out because they love to snap if you tug them instead of digging them. I do not mind them at all though, in the wild. 

And I did some weeding of those this afternoon. It was not fun, even though I was listening to "Crook Manifesto" as I worked. Being on my knees is not easy. To put it bluntly- it fucking hurts. I am the sort of person who likes to look at a task and give myself a definite portion of it to do if I know I cannot do it all. "I will finish this row and then that one," I will vow. But I am finding now that I can't really do that. I can go as far as I can go and then I have to stop. It's very much the same with walking. I used to feel as if I could walk across the world, given a path and decent shoes. That the only thing that could make me stop would be the need to eat and sleep. And I walked fast. 
Those days are over. I damn well should have walked across the world while I was able to do it. But I am grateful that I can still weed and walk at all and we are having such perfectly perfect days that being outside is a joy. 

Here are some azaleas blooming in my side yard over by the church.


I wonder how old that bush is. I picked some and brought them in along with two sprigs of the tea olive. 


I keep trying to come up with new ways to describe the scent of those tiny tea olive blooms and today I think I will say that they are what angels make perfume out of.

The photo at top is my dismal attempt to get a shot of the camellia blooms. I swear- they are already loving getting more sun. The Japanese magnolias are also in there as are several GD bamboo plants that I missed last spring when it was time to kick the sprouts. I need to cut them out of there and be more vigilant when it comes to seeing them when they shoot up through the other plants. Soon, it will be time to kick the bamboo. Can you believe that? 

We are having leftover buffet tonight which always makes me think of what a guy I knew used to say sometimes when he ate supper with us which was, "Um, I'm not sure I've ever seen this exact combination of foods before."
We will have some of the velvety black bean soup I made yesterday, a few spoonfuls of some seafood au gratin with rice, and a salad. Also, some of the sourdough bread I baked yesterday. Finally- a loaf I was not ashamed of. 



Be well, y'all. 

Love...Ms. Moon




28 comments:

  1. love leftover dinners and we have them often here too....the oddest combinations which always work for us....but for anyone else who might try to describe them.......maybe not so much! Your azaleas are a bright neon spot of color! Still thinking about forgiveness........ you brought up more new thoughts today..... won't get into it, but a VERY important points to continue considering.
    Susan M

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's why I call it leftover buffet.
      There's a lot to this forgiveness issue, isn't there?

      Delete
  2. Here at "The old folks home", leftovers often wind up in soup, in some very strange combos. And nothing like the hearty, nourishing soups in your pots. How I wish I could think of some. I'll start keeping a list. I only have soup if I know and love the ingredients, like lentil soup. or pea soup or chili.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooh. That does not sound terrific. Refrigerator soup is all well and good and I make it frequently but some things just do not go together.

      Delete
  3. Funny about leftovers! I think if they were good at the start, they'll continue good, any combo. That's great bread.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Last night's supper was very fine. We enjoyed it a lot.

      Delete
  4. I didn't know you that you dream about stepfather every week. My god woman, the fact that you keep going says so much about your strength.
    Sending hugs and love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And my mother's usually in there too.
      Ooh boy.

      Delete
  5. That bread is definitely worth showing off.
    I also did not know your dreamed of your stepfather so often. Do you think hypnotherapy might help with that? I truly wish you could have had the free and easy childhood I had, but then you would be a completely different Mary wouldn't you? and I love who you are.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know if hypnotherapy would help. I doubt it.
      I do often wonder what I'd be like, in fact who I'd BE if my childhood had been easier. Impossible to say and a moot point. I am sure that I got some positive qualities from the experiences.

      Delete
  6. I never really thought about the fact that forgiveness can mean something entirely different to people. The camellia blooms are stunning. Leftover conglomerations are sometimes the best meals.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hadn't really considered that either, Mitchell. But it is absolutely true, I think.
      This has been an excellent year for camellias.
      I love the word "conglomeration." I need to use it more.

      Delete
  7. We love leftovers here as I am still cooking as if all my kids were still living here! My son and I don't mind leftovers which is a good thing as we have them so often.
    Your food always looks and sounds so delicious, Mary!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I always cooked too much when I had four kids at home! So you can only imagine. I am getting better though, at making smaller portions.

      Delete
  8. As I was repeatedly mulling over your post from yesterday about trauma and forgiveness, thank you again and again for your openness,
    by coincidence listened to an episode of a video/podcast series I am following and while it mainly deals with climate and future, this episode was on transforming the victim narrative. I was very moved and strangely uplifted by it. It's a conversation between three women, maybe you may want to have a listen, 20 mins long. Episode 4 on the website of www.upaya.org (a Buddhist center located in Santa Fe) series "Uncertainty and possibility". The three women are writer Rebecca Solnit, Zen teacher Roshi Joan Halifax and Christiana Figures, former UN secretary on climate change and feminist.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm going to have azlea flowers for the first time in three years. just a few have opened. and none of the woodland violets in my yard bloomed last year so I hope they do this spring. the weather here is also perfect for being outside but so windy today and yesterday. no time to be out in it yesterday and not sure I'll have time today.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some of my azaleas are coming fast, some more slowly. This is what happens in a yard with so much shade! I'm glad yours are going to bloom.
      I feel so guilty on days like we've been having if I don't take advantage of it.

      Delete
  10. Dear Mary I would eat your food any day. Your gorgeous bread made my stomach rumble this morning.Thank you for your wise counsel the past two days. Seriously Mary I’m so glad I scuttled to the doctor if I had not I would have gone crazy (haha) love you Rebecca

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rebecca, darling, I am so sorry you HAD to go to the doctor but I am so glad that you did. May this bout of nerve fire pass quickly. Love you too.

      Delete
  11. It will be interesting to see how the microclimate of your yard changes now that those pear trees aren't providing as much shade. Beautiful azaleas! Ours don't come until much later.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would really love to see some of the azaleas in London. Are any of them this neon pink that we get here?
      Yes. I am definitely anxious to see how the different plants are affected by the increased light they get.

      Delete
    2. Mary nerve fire, is exactly right. I’m getting little zingers all the time in my back and upper side girly area. it make me yip a little bit. Woof. XO Rebecca

      Delete
    3. Woops I’m sorry Steve this is supposed to go to Mary. Maybe I can get her to delete it for me. Rebecca he likes the drugs. I’m on for shingles are making me really stupid. stupider than usual, I mean.

      Delete
  12. Forgive is only one part; it is the forget that never completely happens and dreams always factor in. You are not alone and I do believe we all experience these dreams. Thankfully, other parts of our lives are good and we can rely on that goodness every day. Your flowers are beautiful. Everything is still sleeping in Massachusetts gardens so I enjoy your garden all the more. Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah- forgetting? Forget it! I mean, it's pretty easy to forget some things that people have done that may not have been great but that's just life. Other things? I think a lobotomy would be order.
      I am so glad to share my flowers!

      Delete
  13. I'm a new disciple here and loving following you on your daily path (to enlightenment).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Lord. No, no, no! I do not have disciples! But you are so very welcome to come along for the dance.

      Delete

Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.