Exhaustion

I am not going to lie. Today was as hard a day as I've had in a long time. 
It started out pretty okay. I made the loaf of sausage and cheese bread and it wasn't too bad and I scrambled us some eggs to go with it. It was raining and windy and gloomy and just clammy but the camellias were bright pink and white against the green of their leaves and the Bradford pear leaves were orange and gold. The cardinals and the redheaded woodpeckers came and ate at the feeder in relative peace and respect.

Glen and I both believed that we had gotten each other the worst presents ever this year and I even cried a little because I was so embarrassed at what I'd gotten him. And then when he brought in this, I cried some more.

There's the beautiful red teacart from the antique and vintage store in Monticello that he bought me, and he's spent the last few days working on the paint, smoothing it out, repainting it. It is so beautiful. I thought he was working on an anchor system for his kayak all that time in the garage but no, he was doing that for me. 

"Lets just get this over with," I said, tears still threatening to overflow, my nose still stuffy with it all, and we went to the Glen Den and I gave him my stupid presents which he said he liked because he's so nice to me. He said the rug I got for his bathroom was perfect and although it is far from perfect, it is okay. 

It is machine washable, has a nonstick back, and is very soft. So that's okay. He claims to like the rocks glasses I gave him as they are adequate in size for both his hands and his bourbon pour. 

And of course he liked the box of chocolates. 

But I was feeling so low, so very inadequate, and he kept telling me to just wait and see what he got me but he'd already gotten me that lovely teacart and had done all that work on it too. And then I unwrapped a pair of earrings that were rather ridiculous proof that the man after all these years really has no idea what I like to wear in my ears and we both laughed and I said, "Do you have the receipt?" and he assured me he did and that made me feel better. He also gave me a beautiful set of LeCreuset baking dishes but I already have many lovely baking dishes so I'll take them back and see if there's a pot or a pan I'd rather have. The last package looked like the sort of knife you might wear on your belt in a little leather case and I was like, "Is that a knife? You know I don't have a belt," and he said, "Yes, I thought you could start helping me clean my deer," which was hysterical because NOT IN THIS LIFETIME BUDDY, but it was actually a fountain pen in the case that Lily's ex divorce lawyer had made, believe it or not. It's not a bad pen, y'all! Now why in the world Glen would buy a pen from this man whom we've had to fire due to his mismanagement of the divorce is beyond me but...well. That's Mr. Moon. He doesn't really hold resentments and I think he wanted to smooth over any bad feelings. 

And we both laughed about that, too. 

So it was a rather crazy Christmas gift exchange and we got some very good laughs out of it and we were so relieved it was over and our mood was light and there were many kisses.

But then it was time to get to Lily and Lauren's house so we loaded up the presents and the food and headed over there and I knew as soon as we got there that it was going to be completely overwhelming for me. I hadn't been there for ten minutes before I told Lauren that I was having a disassociation attack (and there may not even be such a thing but that's how it felt, my mind slipping far away from my body) and she gave me a hug and that helped for that moment but it just kept getting worse. Five children, hyped on sugar and Santa, ten adults, everyone trying to talk across the room, more presents under the tree and lining the edges of the room than an orphanage would need, and not nearly enough space for us all. I started out sitting next to Mr. Moon on the couch in the middle of it but quickly moved to an outer corner and then, I absolutely had to go outside. 

It was chaos and my stomach was churning and my head felt like it was going to explode. 

Jessie came out to check on me and she advised me that perhaps this would be an appropriate time to take an Ativan. I had thought about that. I carry those things around with me all the time and mostly just knowing I have them is enough to calm me but that was not working today. And I did take one. I am quite proud that I did not wash it down with a shot of rum. 

I was able to go back into the room for some minutes at a time and my kids gave me such beautiful presents. Hank and Rachel gave me a gorgeous brass mermaid with a bell and some beads to hang wherever I see fit and a pretty jigsaw puzzle. Lily gave me a necklace that I love. Jessie gave me a mirror that I fell in love with at the World Market and she had told May about a lamp that I'd really liked there and she gave me that with a gorgeous shade. Of course all of this overwhelmed me even more but I tried so hard to show my gratitude and appreciation which was as genuine as anything could be. I think everyone liked the fluffy throws I'd bought for them, wrapped in their tablecloths, and I gave out a few trinkets of mine that I have loved very much in my life but which I now feel the need to pass on. 

Maggie loved her Giant Barbie and all of the boys liked their pokemon stuff except for August who really wanted the same thing all the rest of them got. I got him what I'd gotten Levon for his birthday because that's what August had told me he wanted so...that's sort of on him but I'll probably end up getting him the other present too. 

So finally, the ativan kicked in and the kids scurried off to play with their new toys and it was time to eat and there was so much food which was overwhelming too. Delicious. But overwhelming. I told Lauren that I would ask for her sweet potato casserole recipe but that I only want her to make it for me. That stuff is what every southern holiday meal dreams of having. Lily made scalloped potatoes and green beans and cakes and Rachel made a cheesy spinach casserole and and many, many cookies. Also this.

It was so pretty we were all afraid to eat anything from it. 
And there was so much more. 

But now we're home and I feel so incredibly guilty at leaving without helping clean up. May and Michael and Hank and Rachel had to leave early to go to Hank and May's dad and other-mother's house to celebrate with them. But honestly, I just could not go one step farther with Christmas. 

Rachel sent some nice pictures and here's one I especially like. 

The cousins. 

Gibson says that it is his turn next to come spend the night and that we should do that while he's still on winter break. He is correct. 

But for now, for tonight, I am completely done. I need to clean up my own kitchen. I want to take a good, hot shower with the Eucalyptus spray that Rebecca gave me to steam me up, and get in my cozy bed and read if I even have the energy for that. 

I am so grateful that my kids understand how hard these things are for me and that they just accept it and don't make a big deal out of it. And also for the fact that they still seem to love the craziness of it all- the noise, the laughter, the food, the presents, the lights and even possibly the magic. 
Or at least they seem to be able to deal with it. 

As hard as today was, I came away from it loving my family in even new ways. There is such a grace in giving and in receiving and I felt that I received a great deal today which was given in pure grace. 

And if that's what Christmas was about this year, then I need to pay attention and realize it. To receive that grace with grace of my own, to accept the gifts of love I am given and be grateful. 
It is something to strive for. 

Love...Ms. Moon