Wednesday, December 30, 2020

Emotional Flare-Up


Lis sent me a bag of heirloom beans from a company called Rancho Gordo a few weeks ago. They are lovely shiny large black beans called Ayocote Negro. I was craving our favorite black bean soup yesterday but didn't have any black beans so I substituted half of the bag of the heirloom beauties for regular old black beans as a sort of experiment and they were so good. I cannot recommend this recipe enough. It's a bit fussy to bring together but it's so worth it. I've probably posted it before but here's the link again. 
I hope you don't hit a paywall. If I recall correctly, this recipe is what caused me to buy a subscription to the New York Time's cooking app and I have not regretted it for one second. 

I'm glad I fortified myself so well with last night's supper because today was just rough. I had to go to town to do grocery shopping and I'm now at the point where doing anything out of the ordinary is almost more than I can handle. Even things that I know will bring me pleasure cause distress and anxiety. I am not happy about this. I've always been this way to a degree but it has only become worse since last March. I sit in the parking lot of Costco (usually my first stop) and gather my courage and gird my loins, sometimes filing my nails and listening to whatever it is that I'm listening to before I can manage to go in. It did seem to me today that in both Costco and Publix people are being a little more aware of trying to preserve space and distance. Perhaps even the most dickwaddiest of virus deniers are realizing that no, this virus is not a hoax and that it did not disappear magically either by Easter or the election and that new mutations are appearing and that maybe the best thing to do to prevent death before being vaccinated is to wear the damn mask correctly and act according to the guidelines. 

So I managed to get the things I needed without feeling that I had, without a doubt, risked my life to buy peanut butter M&M's and all purpose flour but had only risked it a little bit. And sure, I bought more than that. Lots more. But when I got home I was in a very bad mood. So bad that I felt sorry for my husband who was trying to help me unload and put things away while I was being Ms. Bitchy McBitch Bitch, asking him to please let me do it, as if I am the only one who knows where shit goes in the kitchen. 
This is true to a small degree but it wouldn't have hurt me to just thank him and move things around later if I absolutely needed to. 

I went out to uncover my porch plants and water them and had a conversation with my across-the-street neighbor who informed me that their next-door neighbors have Covid. They seem to be okay with only mild symptoms and I hope that continues to be true. I picked up some downed branches in the front yard and then decided to just get those forms into the health department so I filled them out and drove back to Monticello where I gave them to a very nice lady who said the nurse would go over them and call us to make appointments to get the first of the two vaccines. 
So that is done. 


I think I have just hit a small wall when it comes to covid. In some ways, it has been fine with me. The quarantining is not a problem except for not being able to kiss and hug my loved ones. But the mask-wearing is not pleasant, not pleasant at all and I do not know how people who have to wear one at work all day do it. And the constant low-level of anxiety I have when I'm shopping for what we need does not help at all when I already carry anxiety with me daily. I am quite aware that I have it as easy as anyone on earth when it comes to living through this situation. I don't have to worry about being fired or being around people all day every day. I am not all alone. I don't have to take care of small children every day, keeping them entertained, healthy and happy. I don't have to supervise the schooling of children. I don't have to live in a small apartment with only the view of a parking lot below me. I haven't caught the virus and no one I love has caught it either. I have room and space to move about and plenty of nature to sustain me. I have a beloved to live with. I have plenty of every thing I need. 
And yet. 
And yet sometimes it's still hard. 

We all need to remember that no matter our circumstances, this has been difficult and that we are bound to have days where it catches up to us. 

Meanwhile, we go on, knowing that some days are not going to be great days. That's just life. 

Keep on living. 

Love...Ms. Moon

35 comments:

  1. I relate to this post so much, Mary. I've had things fairly easy and I know lots of people are having a much harder time than me. But still. I nearly had a panic attack today, after leaving the drugstore I was sitting on my car and noticed a smudge on my cell phone and without thinking I licked my thumb to wipe or and then was horrified when I realized I had licked my finger after touching the keypad to pay! I opened my car door and spit and spit onto the parking lot. I must have looked crazy. These are crazy-making days for the best of us.

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    1. Sitting *in* my car, licked my thumb *to wipe it off*.....jeez.

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    2. I licked my thumb today, too! The first time in months and i got out the wipes and wiped my hand and hoped i didn’t poison myself! What a world!
      Debbie

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    3. We just can't be perfect in our efforts and that's all there is to it. I am sure we've all done something that was risky and completely unknowingly. I try to just keep thinking of it all in terms of risk. The less risk we can manage, the better. Of course.

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  2. I am certainly with you, Ms Moon. We have it SO much better than many......yet is is SO challenging in so many ways. We all share certain challenges....but then, being individual human beings....we each have our own......trying to reach for our inner strength just to get through a day........... I hear you and I love you.......and love everyone here too!
    Susan M

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    1. Thank you, Susan. And don't we have a beautiful little community here?

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  3. It's the constant anxiety everywhere. It does things to us regardless of our circumstances. It's how we operate. Doing our best and sometimes it gets a bit frayed.

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    1. "Frayed" is it exactly. Which also brings to mind why I love to sleep so much- it is knitting up that raveled sleeve of care.

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  4. I nominate my hubby for sainthood because I can become Mrs. Bitchy McBitchison at the drop of a hat. He just engages as little as possible and retreats to his workshop. My dear friend up north called me early this morning in tears. She and her dog live alone. She lost her license after having drinks just before the country locked down, and she hasn’t seen or touched another human in seven months. Can you imagine?! I think I talked her off the ledge, and at least made her laugh when I mentioned that we may get to watch The Orange Turd being dragged out of the White House on January 20th. So, yeah, that’s gonna be a highlight.

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    1. My husband too. I swear.
      And yes- wouldn't that be a beautiful sight? I mean, it would be better for all if DT voluntarily left the White House but if he needs to be dragged- please let it be televised!

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  5. My anxiety has skyrocketed, and anyone telling me to chill out or not worry so much feels like a gaslighter. I can barely read the news, hell, can barely read my facebook feed where it seems friend after friend is ill or dead of COVID. I can wear a mask (I've had to wear them for 8 hours stints while traveling with Jonah), I love working from home, but I am so deeply afraid that someone I love will get sick. I'm exhausted. We all are, I suspect.

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    1. I know. Everything you say rings true to me too. Times like this I truly wish I were more sanguine about things in general because the anxiety pile is loaded higher and higher all the time. Hang in there, lady.

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  6. Ohio has been under a mandatory face mask order for all public buildings, and everywhere I go announces face mask required. This has been in effect since last June or July. I feel comfortable moving in my little circle of grocery, drug, dollar store, and washing my hands before anything. My pharmacy has closed the drive through for prescriptions, though. It is swamped by people taking covid tests. I have to go in and then walk to the back. Hate that.

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    1. Oh Lord. I would hate that too. That's horrible! And makes no sense. They really need to come up with a better system.
      The county I live in does not have a mandatory mask requirement but the one I mostly shop in does. It helps with my worries.

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  7. My anxiety goes up and down on a whim. Okay, that’s a lie. Usually, some little something sets it off. I rant and rave to my husband, who usually agrees with me, and sometimes i feel better for getting it out. But, sometimes, i don’t. Just writing about it gets my stomach going. Like you, i know i have it pretty good. I have a decent outlook on life. I need to work harder at remembering i have a fabulous family, even while not seeing them in person, and just get through this! Sometimes they lift me up and sometimes i return the favor. I hope winter goes fast because being cooped up all day in the house is not helpful. I still walk, even in a blizzard, but that only helps until i walk back in the door. I have to be busy. I have to be busier.
    Okay, i’m done. Thanks for letting me vent!
    Your soup looks divine! I do like a good soup with thick, crusty bread and butter. Maybe i’ll dream about that tonight.
    Debbie

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    1. I truly admire you for walking even in blizzards. That is way above anything I'd do. Keep on doing what you're doing. And yes, staying busy does help.

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  8. These are rough times, even for those of us who have it good with a place to live, money for food, staying safe, and in my case, being retired, etc. There is always a low unrelenting level of stress seemingly there at all times. Be well. I am hoping the vaccine will be safe and available soon. When I go where people are I wear gloves in addition to my mask. What a world!

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    1. What a world indeed.
      We do our best, don't we?

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  9. I am so sorry your anxiety got triggered today. I sometimes find myself anxious over the smallest of decisions now and I wasn't before, at least not noticeably. Sometimes I just simply go to bed. I hope you have a peaceful night.

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    1. Oh, me too, e! And that drives me crazy in the grocery store where I want to just sail through quickly and yet, there I stand, looking at different brands, taking too much time. Everything seems like a huge big deal.

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  10. I get so mad at myself when I get down because like you I feel that I have absolutely no reason to feel sorry for myself. If it gets bad for us can you imagine how those "in the thick of it" feel? But we ALL get down and/or anxiety sometimes. I guess we just have to sit with it and wait for it to pass - which it will. Happy new year Ms Moon and stay safe!

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    1. I can't imagine how they must feel! How do our front-line workers do it? How does my daughter who works in retail full-time do it? People like her don't even have time to wait for it to pass. They just have to keep on going right through it all.

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  11. i'm with you. i'm working from home until they decide *if* we'll even go back face to face.....and my monthly trip to costco/ aldi/ meijers has become too much for me as well, but then i feel like an entitled ass if i order my groceries in because i am using my economic privilege to exploit lower paid gig workers, and increasing their exposure risk....it's a no win situation.

    take care. i am also looking forward to getting vaccinated.

    xxalainaxx

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    1. Well, I don't know if you're exploiting those workers. They are doing what they have to do to make ends meet and their job depends on customers.
      But you're right- we do have to think of all of these things and there's no perfect answer.
      May everyone get the vaccine sooner rather than later.

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    1. And sending more back your way, sweet woman.

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  13. I have basically the same situation and am very lucky in that regard. I forgot to get black eyed peas when I went to the grocery store Tuesday so trying to decide if I want to get them or not.

    it started raining here last night, rained all night and all day today so far and I guess will rain all day. I did not want to get out of bed today.

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    1. We got a lot of rain today but it didn't rain ALL day. We're supposed to be getting more for the next two days.
      I am curious as to whether you went back out for the peas. I found a tiny bit in a bag and I'll cook those with some of our field peas. It'll do.

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  14. I think a lot of us have hit that small wall at one point or another (or maybe repeatedly), even if our personal circumstances really ARE not so bad compared to some. I've had bad days too. As you said, that's just life.

    And I understand getting bitchy with your husband. I was bitchy with Dave over the tree fern. Fortunately he recognizes that (as he told me later) this is a challenging time for everybody for many reasons, covid being only the most prominent and universal.

    Hang in there! That vaccine is coming! Glad you got your paperwork in.

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    1. Well, when we're bitchy, there's only one person around to bitch at for many of us. And we're lucky if we have that one! Manners are actually really important, aren't they? I need to remember that.

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  15. Someone else's pain doesn't take away your own. Your circumstances may be better (or worse) than someone elses but every individual feels/reacts/endures to varying/different degrees depending on their inner resources--inner resources that have been strung taut this year. Do not beat yourself up. Acknowledge your fear and pain and accept that you are entitled to your feelings. Even (and maybe especially) the bitchy ones.
    (Sorry, Mr Moon). Thinking of you. xo

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    1. You are entirely right, Mary. I've always said that someone else's cancer doesn't heal my broken leg.
      We ARE entitled to our feelings.

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  16. Here's hoping for peace and joy and happiness and good health for all in the New Year!

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  17. I read this earlier on my phone, but blogger no longer allows me to comment from my phone, so here I am now, just letting you know, I hear you, I feel for you, I get you, I love you.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.