Friday, October 4, 2019

Alone Again, Contentedly


This is what I wrote to Lily and Jessie this morning after tearful good-byes were exchanged.
Well, okay, maybe not tearful but I did well up a bit, especially when I looked down at my husband's hand on my arm and was amazed, once again, at how large his hands are. His hand, lengthwise, spans my entire forearm. And I love those hands. They do so much and are so strong and can be so gentle. He really is the finest kind of man. He brought me roses and a card last night. He appreciates the fact that I do not make a big fuss over him leaving on these trips. I do get a bit upset sometimes before he leaves. Not that I'm going to be left alone. That part is fine with me. It's more the fact that he spends so much time and energy planning these adventures and it makes him so happy and, well, honestly, they don't involve me and that used to really, really hurt my feelings but I've come to more of an understanding of it. An awareness that this is absolutely part of who he is which has led to more of an acceptance on my part.
Men and women are very different creatures. That's just the way it is in my experience and the way this husband expresses his manliness (for lack of a better word) is a million times better than the way some men in my experience have felt the need to express their maleness.

So anyway, there were no dancing boys, not even dancing grandboys that showed up nor were there any malted beverages or sparkling beverages. Instead I took a walk and today I took my old, old route that I have not walked in forever and it was about the same. I took a picture of the fally-down house which is leaning even more precariously. Fifteen years I've been watching this old cabin take its own sweet time to collapse back into the black dirt of Lloyd.


And when that happens, it won't be too long before it is completely covered in leaves and in vines and will become itself a part of that black dirt, wood, wallpaper, tin roof and all. 
My walk was hot and annoying and I was having thoughts of nothing ever changes here and everything is weary here and there's an American flag now hanging over the tin shed at the trash depot where the attendant hides in the AC watching a TV that someone no doubt left as garbage. 


That flag annoys me more than anything. It is such a symbol of what's going on in this country. Doesn't matter what things look like, smell like, ARE like, just stick a flag on it and call it all good. 
But then I walked into the post office and the post mistress had already seen me coming and had my packages up on the counter, ready for me to pick up. 
She is such a sweet woman. 
And I remembered that this, too, is Lloyd. We may fly a damn flag at the dump but we are also known by our post mistress who is kind and thoughtful and always, always says, "Good morning," and "Have a good day."

When I got home I did what will probably be my last huge load of laundry for at least a week. I hung it all on the line, the sheets and pillowcases my prayer flags dedicated to sleep. And then I had my lunch and drove over to Lily's where Jessie met us and the boys played with Maggie and we women lounged about and laughed and laughed and the kids played with toys and Sammy the dog who has overcome his shyness and fear licked my hand and arm so much that I finally had to get up because too much is just too much and August pretended that my body was a charger for his Transformer toy and I told HIM that in order for me to charge things, I had to get charges with cuddles and he accepted that and cuddled a bit, shyly, but sweetly and Maggie, who has no need of any sort of cuddle encouragement, curled up with me several times, just because she could. 

The big boys got home from school and I gave them both Minecraft Creeper hoodies and I have no idea what the logic behind any of that is but I had given one to Owen for his birthday and it was too small so I ordered him a bigger one and gave the smaller one to Gibson. They were so very, very thrilled. 


They will not be wearing them for awhile, I can guarantee you that. Not with temperatures in the nineties. But when it gets cool, they will have them. 

More pictures of the babies. 



Jason's guitars.

And this.


And then I gathered up my crock pot and bowl that I'd brought to the party and kissed everyone goodbye and got in my car and drove away and suddenly, I was having a very strange and unexplainable panic attack. It took me a second to figure out what was going on- this clawing feeling at my throat, the way I felt as if I couldn't breathe properly. Where did this come from and why? I had just had a beautiful afternoon being completely relaxed and loved and was merely driving down a tiny country road to get to my own sweet house where I would be happy to be alone and I don't think I'm kidding myself about that. Truly. 
So I just breathed and actually took half an Ativan I had stashed in my purse and listened to Science Friday on NPR where they were talking about bread baking which was as soothing as any Ativan could be. 
Sort of. 
Differently. 
But it helped. 

And when I got home I determined to try baking a loaf of bread myself in a cast iron pot with a tight-fitting lid to see if it was really as amazingly different than cooking in a bread pan or on a baking sheet as they said it would be. I felt much calmer by then and took all of my trash and recycle to the Real American Trash Depot and got the clothes off the line and the sheets and pillowcases too and made up the bed and put the clothes away and now I do truly feel as if I've gotten everything accomplished that I need to get accomplished and can really relax into not having anyone's schedule but my own to consider, or hunger or comfort. 
Perhaps it was just the idea that this was going to be my life for the next eight or nine days that caused me to panic. 
Who knows? 
Not me. 

It's getting dark and the chickens who roost in the hen house are already there and the chickens who roost outside the hen house are wherever it is that they feel they need to be and so I should go and shut the hen house door to keep those birds, at least, safe. 

Despite the lack of rain, the pine cone lilies have still done their strange magic trick, producing these. 


Another thing they talked about on Science Friday was sourdough bread which is hugely popular right now. I have been thinking and thinking that I truly want to make my own starter with the air-yeast of Lloyd. I think I will begin that project tomorrow, having gotten even more encouragement from the program. 

It's a funny old world. May you all be safe and may you all be at peace. 

Happy Friday, y'all. 

Love...Ms. Moon



20 comments:

  1. well, that was a busy day. all I did was move my new little sprinkler around and print out pictures of raptor feathers.

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    1. I sort of love sprinklers. That may be a holdover from my childhood when my grandfather would move his sprinkler around from spot to spot to water his tomatoes or his never-ending attempt to grow a lawn in Roseland, Florida. It never really worked but I loved his persistence. Are you using a brick with yours to keep it stable or did you find a metal one?

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    2. cheap little plastic one from China. I turn the water on low so as to just water the gardens instead of wasting it on the lawn. have to move it more often but I let it run for an hour between moves.

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  2. I hope your heat breaks soon. Ours did today, and I've decided to be tough tonight and tomorrow do the big bedding change, to be warm.

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    1. My facebook memory of yesterday was from nine years ago when I had put my down comforter on the bed because it was getting so chilly. Hard to believe in the weather we're having now.

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  3. Thanks for the well wishes. I wish you the same. Would it not be wonderful for our heat to break? I'm hoping...Have a peaceful night.

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    1. It looks like it might slowly be breaking. Lower nineties for a few days- a step in the right direction.

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  4. Our heater went on today, still cold in the house sort of 67 degrees, and raining, dark, damp, bleah...

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    1. Goodness. I wonder if I will ever use my heater again.

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  5. You're welcome to visit me for a few days:) It's much cooler here and I would enjoy your company. It might snow next week though, so there is that.

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    1. Thank you, Lilycedar. I will keep that in mind if it's still ninety in December!

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  6. May we all be safe. I think on a subconscious level you worry about your tall good man when he is away on these hunting trips, and that was what was bubbling up in you in that moment of quiet on a country road. He will be well, and in the meantime, how delicious it is to enjoy solitude knowing it is only for a spell and your beloved will be home again soon. Also, is there anything better than hanging with family, especially the ones who came from you? We're lucky in this, you and I.

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    1. You may be right, my dear friend. There are a myriad of reasons why I could have had that panic attack but often there is no logic associated to them. They...just...happen.
      But girl! You are so right about our being lucky in being able to hang with our darlings. It's purely good.

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  7. It has been awhile since I have had a full fledged panic attack. But it is difficult to shake the constant anxiety..the feeling of impending doom. Even more confusing, since I am an optimist at heart and have overcome some horrific experiences. I limit my news intake, knowing this does not help, but I cannot stick my head in the sand and pretend it is not the end of the world as we used to know it.
    Hug your babies close and be kind to the less blessed. "Love your enemies, but keep your guns oiled."
    I love abandoned homes. Who built them? Was there love and laughter there? Lace curtains and wildflowers in a mason jar?

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    1. Anxiety is a life and soul-sucking beast. I hate it so much. I never was a real optimist but as I understand anxiety, it really doesn't have much to do with who we naturally are. It's more a chemical thing that happens. Of course, I don't truly know.
      There are several abandoned houses of great age around here. I would love to be able to open their front doors, walk in, and feel the history.

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  8. Today, in honor of you, I will walk the dog all the way to the elementary school so I can throw the ball for him and try to tire him out.

    Tonight a friend and I are going to a burlesque show...fun and weird. Raising money for detained children at the border. What an insane time we're having these days.

    All love, dear woman

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    1. Ah- the drag queens and kings are special and dramatic and glorious humans, aren't they? Their spirits absolutely slay me.
      I hope you enjoyed your walk.

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  9. I love how inspired you were by that bread-baking show! Thanks for the update on the fally-down house. It's good to see it again. I didn't think to swing by and see it while I was in Lloyd.

    It makes sense you'd have a bit of a panic attack going back to your house alone. It's just so different from what you're used to, even if you know consciously that you're going to enjoy the alone-time.

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    1. Oh, and MINECRAFT! I don't understand this phenomenon at all, and if I'd seen those hoodies I don't think I'd have known what they were -- but the kids at the school where I work are SO into Minecraft. We even have Minecraft books in the library, which are quite popular!

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    2. Yep. Minecraft seems to be THE thing right now. Funny that it's the same there as it is here. Once again- I do not understand but I understand that it's important.
      I'm okay at home alone. Day Two has felt very, very peaceful. No panic attacks. No real anxiety. I am grateful.

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