Another day, another massacre, another lick of flaming evil in the world, taking down the innocent, the young, the blameless in the name of some god, some belief system which incorporates violence and hatred and calls it their god's will, yet another one-true-religion and fuck them all.
They're all used in one way or another to justify behavior that which, if it had no religious backing, would be seen as everything ranging from at least a little bit crazy to downright evil and insane.
Oh, I don't know. I've been sitting here this morning answering comments left on my post yesterday- all of them so sweet and so lovely and which have made me feel appreciated and cared for and I am so grateful for all of them. Overwhelmed, truly.
I sit here day after day and write what about what seems to be the same things over and over and that is my life, and of course the backdrop remains the same, and even some of the lines of the script, but sometimes new characters arrive, new scenery provides itself, the dialogue changes, the circumstances take on new meaning.
Today is gray and rain threatens or promises, depending on your perspective, and I am full of dread because although I went to town yesterday determined to get a whole lot done, I got almost nothing done. I ran into two old friends completely by serendipitous accident and we sat and chatted for a good long time and it was wonderful but after that, I felt the need to flee home, and why?
I do not know.
I enjoyed that time so much, the catching up, the gossip, the giggles and sweetness, the recalling of memories. But then I just had to go home, as if the bank of social behavior had been overdrawn.
I hate that. It makes me feel ridiculous.
Sometimes I think this is something relatively new in my life. It seems to me that I used to do a lot more things with friends. No. I DID do a lot more things with friends.
But looking back I remember having anxiety about those things even then and wondering what was wrong with me.
Ah well, who cares? It is what it is and I am who I am and today I have to bite the damn bullet and get back to town and do the things I did not do yesterday and that's all there is to it.
And I will. I will muddle through it all and probably deserve an acting award when I am done, having successfully (one hopes) managed to do a reasonable impression of a normal old lady going about her normal old lady business in a smallish town in North Florida as she wondered constantly if she should take one of her precious stashed Ativan.
Such problems I have.
And then comes the guilt for feeling this way when, as I have said on innumerable occasions- I am the luckiest woman alive.
Be well, y'all. And thank you so much for all of the beautiful words you left me yesterday and today. I will take all of you with me in my pocket and will be comforted as I carry you there and in my heart.