When I wake up in the morning it takes me quite awhile to get myself to a place of anything resembling equanimity. EVERY MORNING of my life I wake up and feel as if I am the scum of the earth, a complete failure in every way. The clutter and dust and dirt around me is proof of this. If I were a halfway decent person I'd keep things tidier, cleaner. The garden that I love shouts at me that I have no idea what I'm doing out there and that I should have pulled those greens a month ago and planted another row of beans. I go to let the chickens out and note that the nests need cleaning which leads to my feelings of failure at not using the chicken poop as fertilizer the way I always thought I would.
Failure, failure, failure.
The simplest things which I may have planned for the day loom so large as to seem insurmountable. Anything which may lie outside my regular routine is something dreaded, no matter how much "fun" it should be. I find love notes from my husband and wonder why in the world he still cares about me. My thoughts become filled with "shoulds."
I should clean and mop the kitchen. I should plant those beans. I should go to a fucking museum or a movie once in awhile. I should call a friend. I should be a better wife. I should be a better mother to whichever child I feel I not been as attentive to as I should be. I should be a better friend. I should lose weight. I should get my sewing machine fixed and start sewing again. I should get Jack fixed. I should clean out my closets and throw away the things that I know without doubt I'll never wear again. I should answer letters. I should mail a gift I bought for a friend a month ago. I should take a walk. I should do crunches. I should, in fact, be a better person and a different person entirely.
This is my every morning routine.
I think this may be the way it is for many of us.
And yet, we do get up, we get out of bed, we face down the fears and the feelings of failure and the shoulds. We manage to do that which has seemed insurmountable. We make some headway on the clutter. We clean out the nests and we pull the greens and we plant the beans. We make the bed.
We do our best which is all that any of us can do although it is so tempting to compare ourselves to those who seem to accomplish everything that we feel we could never do and not only do they accomplish amazing things, they do it with grace.
I am about to go to town to hang out with my grandbaby mamas. Tonight I am going to go hear Owen sing at a school function. In an hour or so, I will have pulled myself at least partly out of my angst, my self-negativity. And I trust that this to be true because I have experienced it over and over again.
And tomorrow, I will start all over.
This is how it is for me. How is it for you? I would really like to know.