I think we might go down to the water today. I am not sure. Kayaking has been mentioned. Vergil is already off for a run.
I am glad for a day where my mind seems to be at rest. I think I am processing a lot of things in my sleep and in my dreams. I don't remember last night's dreams and I am glad for that, too. Yesterday was hard, I have to admit. But you know. These things must all be felt, must all be accepted and gone through like the boxes still spread around the house.
A few days ago I was reading the blog of a woman who never comments here so she is not really part of our community but I've been reading her blog for years. She was raised a very Orthodox Jew and I don't even know the terms but her parents are INTO it. She pulled away from the restrictions and the religion as she got older and married a non-Jew and it's only now, years later, that her parents have started communicating with her. She and her husband are expecting their first child and her father seems to be very interested and they send e-mails back and forth but her mother has remained mostly silent which is, of course, incredibly hurtful. That her mother would remain in her judgement and anger about her daughter's leaving the religion rather than accept and love her for who she truly is, especially now, as she is pregnant. And on her latest posting, this woman spoke of the possibility of her mother being a narcissistic mother and mentioned a check-list of characteristics which might indicate such a thing and so I started Googling and before I knew it, my mind was blown apart.
Some of the sites I went to were like a biography of my mother's and my relationship and it explains so much, even the way each of my mother's children perceived her so differently. But for some reason, I am hesitant about all of this. I guess because like I said yesterday, Mother is gone now and there is no way to defend herself.
On the other hand, she is gone now and can't possibly care.
And why do I even bother to share this?
Quite frankly because I wish I had known about this syndrome, condition, illness thirty years ago so that I would not have spent so much of my life trying to please my mother when it was frankly, impossible. Spending so much of my whole life feeling as if I could never please her due to some deficit in myself. And so forth.
Well, there. I've told you. If you have a very difficult time with your mother, go ahead and start Googling. There are sites, there are books. There are, I am sure, therapists. My own therapist, years ago, may have mentioned this and perhaps I wasn't ready to hear it. I was dealing with childhood sexual abuse, the results of which were tearing me apart at that time. There are so many layers to the stinking onion of dysfunctional families and what family isn't dysfunctional to some degree?
Still. There are levels of dysfunction that can fuck you up for life and there are some which are merely amusing and there are some which are somewhere inbetween and each of us has our own.
But it's a beautiful Sunday morning and Jessie and I are making pancakes (yes, we do love to eat around here) and here is a picture of that activity and also from yesterday's snake roundup in Whigham.
Families. When they're good, they are so damn good.
Happy Sunday, y'all.
Love...Ms. Moon
www.outofthefog.net
ReplyDelete((((mary)))
xxalainaxx
Yes they are. those sweet families.
ReplyDeleteAh, narcissism. It's incurable. When I learned that, I was strangely comforted. She couldn't help it!
Anyway. Happy Sunday to you and those beautiful boys. Gibson is wearing a "Pick me up" tee-shirt. Who can resist that????
X Beth
Yep, she certainly seems to fit that pattern. Its amazing how much you have come through and were able to make your own family in a different way. Many people follow the pattern they were exposed to. I think what you have done is a testament to your strength, intelligence and will to give your children better than what you had and to improve your own life.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can feel the depth of what I am saying because typing words on a screen doesn't seem to always have the effect we are going for. I love you.
xo
Finding an understanding about your mom is something I would say you HAVE to to do. You have been trying for years and just because she has died does not mean you have less of a need for understanding. Yes, it may feel odd to think negative things about her when she can't speak for herself. But that isn't the point. The point is that as they say "it is what it is". You can't change what it was - all you can do is process it and try to reconcile some things. What you're doing is a good thing. A really f'in good thing!
ReplyDeleteYou remind me that I am so lucky my mother was the opposite of narcissistic - which is not to say she wasn't a bit vain - but she loved us kids and she was proud and we knew it. I wish it were like that everywhere, and for you. But you're the mother and the grandmother that broke the chain.
ReplyDeleteWe had pancakes too.
love d
You done good, here, Ms. Moon. Bravo.
ReplyDeleteYa know, I read that same blogger and the minute I saw you say you'd been thinking about your mother's relationship with you in relation to a possible diagnosis, I wondered if it was the very same.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad Jessie and Vergil are at home with you.
I've got a chuck roast in the oven with all kinds of vegetables. I feel like you :)
Good morning! Website links I have found helpful are forthcoming.....
ReplyDeleteI became enlightened a few summers ago. Prior to that time I did a lot of what my mom requested. After that time I realized I could set up boundaries. Here's the thing: if a woman described a friend or boyfriend who was toxic with NPD, all the woman's friends and society would say to end the relationship or at least set up big boundaries. However, if that person is your mother a lot of people do not understand and it is "taboo" to have those feelings. Finally I realized I could say no and I could protect my kids from some things too.
Many daughters of moms with NPD have to go No Contact because it is such a harmful relationship. Others, like you and me are/were low contact, and it is difficult to bear. You will spend weeks revisiting scenes of the past such as "Oh yeah, I remember when this happened and that is SUCH a trait!"
I do understand exactly the thoughts of how you wish you knew sooner. I read blogs of those who figured it out and they are in their 20's and I am envious. But I can say they are no more comfy in their life. I will send you a link of a woman who is age 62 and found the label of NPD a few years ago.
You broke the chain a long time ago and HUGE HUGS to you today,
--Michele R.
Mrs. A- Thank-you. More reading for me!
ReplyDeleteBeth Coyote- I know. Incurable. That's one of the things which have sort of made my head explode.
Yeah. You'd pick Gibson up. And then kiss him about fifty times. It's just the law of the universe.
Ms. Fleur- I appreciate the fact that you knew her and can see what I see. I mean, really. I do.
Jill- Yes. You are right. It IS what it is and it WAS what it was. One of the things that this sort of mother does is "gaslighting." "Oh, Mary. That never happened." How many times did I hear that? It was things like that which made any sort of reconciliation impossible. And why I finally learned to just keep my mouth shut. But I never, ever doubted my memories. At least there was that.
Deirdre- Yes. You are lucky. But you know what? That's the sort of mother that every child born on this planet deserves.
Did your pancakes have sweet potatoes in them? Ours did. They were good.
Elizabeth- It makes me feel good to hear you say that. Truly. Thanks.
SJ- You know me too damn well, woman! I bet your pot roast is going to be delicious. We're having pizza for supper. Which I am going to make. Of course.
Michele R- I have a feeling that many of us here were affected by such a thing. It's no coincidence that we find each other and "mother" each other, is it? God. I could go on for hours. Anyway, thanks. For everything. I mean it.
My mother's mother was a narcissist, no doubt. She was awful to us all (and named Ruth), and one of the best thing that happened to me was to not be raised in the same state as her.
ReplyDeleteMy mother made attempts to get right, but she sure didn't while I was around. And her inability to love herself made it impossible for her to love me.
So, I am incredibly proud of you, my friend, for making it a "buck stops here" kinda thing. I'm sure your kids have quirks and foibles and some may be traced back, but y'all have such love for each other. You're not pushing the bad stuff on.
My mother was npd and I ended up as a blpd, but have seemingly outgrown much of the damage with age. I actually started blogging in the borderline arena but found by hanging out with other borderlines I only got worse because it kept me focused on self. These labels can help to understand ourselves but for me, I learned not to get to close to those not working on solution. I finally came to understand myself after my mom passed. Perhaps it is meant to be this way.
ReplyDeleteWell, the day is winding down over there on the east coast, but I am picturing you with a belly full of pancakes kayaking down a river of love. Keep paddling, okay?
ReplyDeleteAm no psychologist, but that is exactly the diagnosis I would've given. I know all about narscissistic parents.
ReplyDeleteI have read a blogger whose mother is a narcissist. It seems to be yet another one of those personality problems that cause misery. We look for answers to why things happened or how we can define the relationship or the personality. I find some comfort in knowing that my parents weren't perfect by any means, but they did love me the best that they knew how. And they too were wounded by something but didn't have the insight to understand it. I am grateful for having more understanding of myself now than ever in my life.
ReplyDeleteInteresting. It must be comforting to find that your relationship with your mother fits a sort of recognized pattern -- that it wasn't just YOU, in other words.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard for me to see why parents would abandon a child just because that child chose to follow a different religious path. If I had a kid who got Born Again, though, that would be a challenge!
One of the things that draws me to your blog is how you've risen up from the way you were raised. I feel a kinship with you on that.
ReplyDeleteIt's good to understand the science but the thing that's most important is knowing that you're making things happen for your self.
We suspect that my mother's mother, my grandmother who passed this past spring, was a narcissistic personality. She certainly had many of the traits. I know my mom is having a difficult time processing all the complicated, knotted emotions. I hope you are processing things in your dreams, and I hope you remember you can only do the best you can. All I can say is my grandmother really worked one over, on all of us.
ReplyDelete