Monday, July 20, 2009

Trying To Imagine. Trying So Hard.


And then today, I wake up and I've had that dream. No. Not the flying off the bridge in a car dream. Not the sleeping behind the wheel dream. Not the losing my baby dream.
The dream where my husband doesn't love me. Doesn't care a thing about me. Oh. It was horrible. We were on vacation- Las Vegas. In the dumpiest, dirtiest hotel in the world and it wasn't romantic and it was awful because I had wanted it to be a vacation of joy but he didn't care.

And Frank McCourt has died, you know. I refused to read Angela's Ashes for years (who wants to read about one dead baby after another?) and then I got 'Tis on tape and he was the narrator and I was hooked. I listened to Angela's Ashes and Teacher Man and his voice was so strong, so sure and he told his stories of such pathos with tenderness and even humor. How? How can the human spirit be that strong?

I am just going through pre-vacation anxiety. I still have so much to do and we leave in three days and here I am, drowned in a bad dream and its left-over sorrow. Jessie is home, she is home! and safe and I'll see her today, most likely and I need to start packing today. See what I can take and what I should leave. Try to imagine myself walking and swimming and snorkling and being happy. Try to imagine myself being happy. It's so hard for me even to go to town- how do I imagine getting on an airplane flying away so far from my porch, my chickens, my babies? How do I imagine being romantic and beautiful when the thought of where to pack my shampoo and what sort of carry-on to take and even what to wear on the plane makes me crazy and inert?
How?
And don't tell me it's crazy to worry about those things- I KNOW IT!

Hank and May came out yesterday and I showed them where all the chicken feed is and how to deal with the birds and the garden and the porch plants. But yellow jackets have taken up residence in the dirt of my front porch plants and you can't even go out there, much less water them without being stung by those damn aggressive things. They boil out of the dirt like angry demons and they find you and they sting you and they follow you as you curse and run, flinging your hair this way and that, flinging your arms and being stung. It feels like tiny needles of electric shock when they hit you with their stingers and then you swell up and itch. And hurt.
Another thing I'll leave behind for someone else to deal with. Or not deal with.

Mr. Moon finished up some of the nesting boxes for the chickens and we even decorated the hen house. We are insane. We strung Christmas lights. They have a sound system.
My chickens live in a better house than many third-world children. Lucille, one of the smaller chickens, got into the big pen yesterday. She jumped out while Mr. Moon was cutting a board and my hens (my sweet, sweet hens) attacked her. Mr. Moon saved her and those hens were only doing what they're supposed to which is to protect their living quarters, but it does not bode well for the mixing of the flocks.
Another thing to leave behind.

We went out last night to see them roosting and they are so passive when they roost. We held them and stroked them and Red and Mable were even roosting up on the tilted tin roof coverings over the nesting boxes which Mr. Moon had put up so they wouldn't poop in the boxes.




I fried fresh bream and I made hushpuppies. I cut up cucumbers and I made stewed tomatoes.
Sometimes I think my routines are the only things keeping me from flying off the planet.



I am about to fly off, if not the planet, then at least the ground. And what will keep me from flying apart? Why does my brain work this crazy way? Why do have I have dreams like that when my husband builds nesting boxes and puts the straw in them and makes them cozy for our chickens, our chickens? and he works so hard to make it possible for Lily and Jason and their baby to have a nest of their own and he shows me in every way that he loves me, he loves this life of ours?

I curse this crazy brain sometimes. As if it were not me, but some entity, entirely separate from "me" whoever that is. Why does it insist on telling me the sky is falling, the sky is falling as if I were some chicken thinking that a falling leaf is part of the sky and that I need to run for cover when really, everything is fine, is lovely, is all the best and better than I ever could have dreamed it? Ever? Why does it take my blessings and twist them into fears?

I don't know. But it does and that's who I am and I just have to pack and get on the plane and imagine flying over the blue sea and then, there it is- the Yucatan, all jungle and hidden pyramids and then the island, there, it rises out of the Caribbean, that blue and green clear water and that tiny island, growing bigger and bigger, waiting to welcome me.
Which me will it welcome?
Whichever me walks off that plane. With my husband who does love me and reminds me to love myself as I love him.

Cozumel has been named The Island of Peace - the first ever island designated as such. My little island.
I hope my heart will be at peace there. This crazy heart, this crazy, crazy old lady heart and today I'll figure out (I will!) what to take and what to leave. Michelle says "if if doesn't serve you, let it go," and craziness- it does not serve me.
I pray, I hope, I want to leave it behind.

Frank McCourt was proof that humans can bend and bend and bend under the weight of unbearable sorrows and can still stand, can even stretch so far that the world hears your voice.

I try to imagine that and it helps.

24 comments:

  1. We will keep them chickens safe! I just caught a teeny lizard in my office that could easily have been eaten by those chickens, but I put him outside.

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  2. A few days ago I was thinking that I needed a vacation, but reading this I think maybe I'm okay staying put. :)

    You'll get there and these next few days will feel like they've gone by in a blink, and what you have with you will be fine, and if you don't have something, well you'll make do.

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  3. I am so happy for you that you get to take this vacation soon. It'll be great, the preparation for it is the stressful part.

    Man, those are some cute chickens. :)

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  4. I was sad to hear about Frank McCourt too - and oddly enough, Angela's Ashes is the only one of his that I haven't read :) I just don't need any more sadness in my life - but maybe someday. I'm so glad you get to go to Cozumel and I am certain you'll have peace - oh yes, you definitely will. I know it.

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  5. You'll love the vacation you! I promise. We'll take the dogitas up north and watch them swim and play until you become that person that you like better.

    Then, we'll go and find our fun husbands,and go and have a margarita!!

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  6. My friend and traveling buddy Tina and I are going on a cruise in October to the Yucatan and Cozumel, and she's been having nightmares about it. She reads your blog and will appreciate what you wrote today as much as I do.

    I agree with what you wrote about Frank McCourt. And this - "Sometimes I think my routines are the only things keeping me from flying off the planet." Me, too. Me, too.

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  7. My routines, habits, idiosyncracies, neurosis-they keep me as sane as ever I am going to get. For me, the worrying and the fear is all a jumble of tangled fishing line, and those things, well, they are the one thread to pull ot straighten it all out. Best of wishes and hopes for peace; if you are anything like me, once you are on the plane and everything that you have done or haven't done at home is below you, out of your reach, you will be okay. And you will blossom.

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  8. I need to take care of MY vacation stuff too. Ack! I only wish mine involved beaches ;)

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  9. Oddly, I didn't find Angela's Ashes to be a sad book, truly. There was so much spirit in it.

    I know the town, I know the people.

    Not many 'famous' deaths stop me in my tracks but his did.

    Sad day today.

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  10. Joy, forward your friend my blog on living here in cozumel and she'll be scarred for life, ha ha.

    Seriously, though, if you have any questions about what to do, where to eat, I'm your tour guide!

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  11. Oh, and speaking of dreams - you know the one I blogged about this weekend? Same day, my mother had a dream that I had twins. How freaky is that?

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  12. You know if you land crazy, doesn't mean you'll still be crazy in the morning. I took a day to get acclimatized here, but now I'm all fine. My other self must travel more slowly.

    Perhaps you just really really really need a vacation?

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  13. I hope the you that emerges from the plane is Maria Luna, goddess of the ocean.

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  14. I always leave my suitcase on the floor the week before I am leaving and pack a little each night as I think of it. And make a list of things I can't pack till the end like snacks and toiletries.

    When ARE you guys leaving exactly?
    pf

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  15. Have a wonderful vacation. Regarding packing - it's all about the 1-quart plastic bag for your perfume and other liquids. Pack that first. Anything that doesn't fit in that goes in your checked baggage.
    I had heard that Frank McCourt was dying last week. I'm just relieved that he had his own day to die and didn't die on Cronkite's day or worse - on Michael Jackson's day.

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  16. routines = gravity


    i like that!


    xxalainaxx

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  17. DTG- You should start collecting bugs now. You could bring them all over in a jar and give the chickens a feast o'bugs. And critters. Whatever. But those baby lizards- they're too cute to feed to a chicken.

    Steph- I know, I know. I told you I know I'm being crazy!

    Nicol- Thank-you for saying my chickens are cute.

    SJ- I think you are right.

    CozzieLaura- Well. If you insist...

    SJ- Something is about to happen. I really think that.
    Be open to the universe, dearie!

    Joy- There is NOTHING nightmarish about Cozumel. Nothing at all.

    Kori- Yes. Exactly. I always say, Once those wheels leave the ground, it's time to relax and let it all go.

    Aunt Becky- Really. How can I complain?

    Xbox- No. That was the thing- it WASN'T sad. I just thought it would be. It was joyful. He was a treasure, that Frank McCourt. I think of all his students and I am so glad he was a teacher. He touched so many lives in the classroom and then with his books. Bless him and God speed to him.

    Mwa- I am thinking you are right!

    Ginger- Oh. Me, too.

    Ms. Fleur- Thursday morning. We leave on Thursday morning.

    Ms. Lucy- But three ounces? Really? Isn't it funny how when Jackson and Faucett and McMann died it was all about pop culture, somehow but Cronkite and McCourt- Serious men of wisdom.

    Miss Alaineous- Works for me, anyway.

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  18. CozzieL - I'll be over there! Thanks! I'll write a post on mine for recommendations about Cozumel and if any of you have any tips about cruises, I'd appreciate them. This is my first one.

    Tina kept having nightmares that the ship sank, and water filled our cabin until we drowned. She's doing better now, thank goodness.

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  19. 3 days Ms. Moon!!!
    On the third day she rose again and found peace.
    And blue water and hidden pyramids and a really cute and tall guy what could rub her feet.

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  20. Joy- Y'all should skip the cruise and just go to Cozumel. Really.

    Michelle- Hmmm. Mr. Moon is not so big on rubbing feet unless I am pregnant and no chance of that, ever again.
    But a girl can dream.
    But blue water and hidden pyramids- Yeah. I'm sure of those.

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  21. I was sorry to hear about Mr. McCourt passing, too. He was a sweetheart of a man, and the world could use more of them, not less.

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  22. Maybe next time. We've already committed to it. Good to know.

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  23. I'm Joy's neurotic traveling buddy who is so anxious about taking a cruise this fall. You have put your finger right on the ache--it's all the little loves that I'll be leaving unattended for that time that freak me out. I know they will be cared for, but it won't be by me! I am glad to know that there is someone else out there that has such thoughts.

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  24. Ah- it's the ship of the family you fear will sink without you.
    Girl- go on and have fun. The world continues to turn. I keep telling myself that, anyway, and it always has whenever I've been away.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.