Thursday, July 16, 2009

Hot And Getting Hotter, Weird And Getting Weirder, Old And Getting Older

Arrrgh and Accck and Damn-It-All-To-Hell and well, it's eight-thirty in the morning and that's how I feel already.
Not in DESPAIR, exactly (my usual morning default emotion) but all tangled and knotted as if someone was learning to weave by creating me on a crooked loom.
Oh, it's bucolic and lovely here in Lloyd this morning and the roosters next door are crowing and I can hear my chickens peeping and whistling and oh wait. Hold on. I'm about to have a hot flash.
How do I know?
Suddenly I feel as if the world is coming to an end and whoever is weaving me on that loom has grabbed the threads in her unkind hand and is yanking them up to the breaking point.
Yep. Here it comes, the face is flushing, the left hand has gone numb, the sweat is starting to break out on my entire body.
Okay. This is the first hot flash of my waking day and there will be many, many more.
I am sick of this.
I was pretty darn sick of it about ten years ago, too.

Last night was not a good night. I was tired. I went to bed. The house was not cooling down. I laid there with the covers off of me, seemingly in one unending hot flash. I fell asleep, and then something would wake me up. This happened over and over again. I got up.
I read for awhile, went to sleep in the Panther Room. I didn't eat Chex Mix. A few mixed nuts were ingested though, to be honest.
Anyway, there I was, finally sleeping when Mr. Moon appeared in the doorway a little after three a.m. Was he looking for me? No. He didn't even know I wasn't in our bed but when Dolly the Dog who was sleeping with me started barking, he figured it out. He is tall, that Mr. Moon, and even in the darkness, in my blind-state, I could see him standing there.
"There's something wrong with the AC," he said, in the same tone as one might expect if he were saying, "There's a murderer in the house!"
I already knew there was something wrong with the AC.
He went to the hallway to check the setting, the filter.
Me, I was thinking, I'm so tired. Please. Let me just go back to sleep. I had a fan on me. I was okay. I had been sleeping.
But no, he rattled around and took out the filter and took it outside, screen doors slamming, wooden doors slamming, etc. I laid in the darkness, feeling guilty because I hadn't cleaned the filter and because I was feeling so hateful. I wanted to sleep. I had only been asleep for about an hour and a half and it was after three.
He finally finished doing what I should have done a while ago. "The motor may be burned out," he said. Okay. He didn't say that. He said something more technical. I don't know what. But it was like that. A motor that makes the fan blow in the AC is probably burned out. More money, more money, MO' MONEY!
He went back to bed. I thought to go get back in our bed with him but I was paralyzed by wanting to sleep and feeling that if I just laid there and breathed, there might be a chance but if I got up and moved and went back to our bed, I would lay there all night, one hot flash after another.
I finally got back to sleep. I got up this morning. He was already up, dressed, and pissed off that we hadn't cleaned the filter in a while, which may or may not be the problem. Bless him, he is not blaming me directly.
"We should have thought about it," he said.

That was the night.
This is the day.

The chickens- we put the babies back in their little pen because Elmira is so small that she fits right through the wires of the big pen, even with those crazy feathers. She is a Houdini, that little one, and escaped from where I had them yesterday in the run. I found her trotting back and forth outside it, trying to get back in with her sibs and I feel so lucky that a cat or a snake or a hawk didn't get her while she was out.

And we leave for Mexico in one week. ONE WEEK and no, again, I am not ready. Not physically or spiritually or emotionally or any other way. I did not lose ten pounds. I have not gotten a strap for my bathing suit. I have not gotten my books together. I have not gotten in touch with my inner sex goddess. My fingernails and toenails look like those of a beast, and my hair? Dear God, I want to cut it all off. Shave it. Tattoo my head. Whatever.

But you know what? I am SO ready for a vacation. No chopping of vegetables or weeds. No baking, no simmering, no marinating, no mixing, no fixing, no washing, no drying, no sweeping, no cleaning up of dog poop and pee and vomit, no chicken-tending.

Wait. No chicken-tending?

Well, I guess that missing my chickens and knowing that I have a grandbaby coming will get me home again. Not to mention my other babies. Yeah, I'll come home.

And I hope that when I do, whoever is weaving this cloth of me (and would that weaver be...ME?) has figured out the pattern and has worked out the knots and tangles.

And that the AC is working. So I can sleep.


  1. We'll take care of the homestead while you're out there eating corn tortillas and cuddling Mayan babies.

    Also: kool aid pickles!

  2. You don't have to be any more ready for your vacation than you already are. Just get on the plane, have a mid-air cocktail, and before you know it, the rest will fall into place.

  3. Mama- how many straps do you need for your suit and what color is it? I can just loan you the straps to my black strapless bra. Why didn't we think of this before?
    And tell Daddy that when it comes to the AC and feeling embarrassed about not changing the filter that it is true what they say: It's not the heat, it's the humility! Ha ha! Oh I am so funny.....

  4. Oh yes. I'm with you. My night was "fair to middlin" as my Grandma used to say but the morning broke too soon. The children are unaware of this and are chirping along as usual.

    The thing with the filter is an easy mistake. You know that.

    We had dinner guests last night and I had a hot flash just as they walked in. Lots of fanning and exclaiming "Oh my. Oh my goodness." Joe told them he was talking dirty to me when they arrived. YEah, like THAT made me feel less embarrassed? MY flashes are (I'm told) related to my rosacea. But I'm beginning to wonder what part hormones play in rosacea, too.

    Gah! I'm rambling now.

  5. DTG- I know. I wonder if someone will actually let me cuddle a baby? I sure hope so. I know they'll let me eat corn tortillas.

    Michelle- I know. I am a worrier, I obsess, and I have a great need to believe that the SKY IS FALLING EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY. The medication helps, but it does not cure. This is probably why I blog so that I can see how funny I am actually being.

    May- Black. One strap. Halter style. Really? I could borrow yours? Oh my god. Now- could you just come pack for me?

  6. Gah. Is there no end to sleep deprivation for women. Heaven is sleeping on expensive feather mattresses and down pillows and high cotton thread count sheets, endlessly.

  7. Sleeping without a/c in this heat is a no-go situation. I hope you can get it fixed before night falls.

    You'll be in Mexico so soon! How exciting. Take millions of pictures for us.

  8. And how old are you Ms. Trouble? Get a nice fold-up fan and use it. They help tremendously. I promise. And I am not embarrassed at all when I have a hot flash. I just say, "Fuck! I'm having a hot flash!" or something like that, depending on the company.

    Ms. Jo- When my daughter Lily was young, I used to have the most complex and satisfying fantasies about being in a very luxurious hotel room ALL BY MYSELF!

    Ms. Lemon- It's rigged so that it will work until they get the parts. I am not worried. And yes, I hope to take many, many wonderful pictures.

  9. I am 34 and 1/2 years old. I had bloodwork a couple of years ago to test my levels and they were all perfect. I've always been hot natured but since Zoe was born, it seems worse. And my period continues to show up regularly. I think I'll really get one of those fans though. My ma-in-law has cans in her fridge that spew refrigerated air at you. A blast of that is wonderful. But I'm not always around her cold air cans.

  10. Laughing out loud at May's joke
    too funny

  11. Sleep can be so delicious...and so elusive.

  12. The humility... hihi.

    I think it's the tides again. Stinking tempers all around. And I haven't slept in a week...

  13. Just THINKING about sleep deprivation--of which I am acutely familiar with--makes me want to pull my hair out. What I wouldn't give to be able to go back to sleeping well again. Ever.

  14. Ms. Trouble- Refrigerated air? I need some of that badly.

    Michelle- It's the heat AND the humility.

    Ginger- I can nap like no one's business. I tell you that.

    Mwa- Tides, moons, whatever- a lot of us are going through it.

    Aunt Becky- It's a true disorder when it reaches that point. It really is.

  15. I love you mom! I haven't been commenting on your blog lately, but I still read it. Sorry!

  16. Lily- I love you tremendously and always whether you comment on my blog or not!
    Of course.

  17. I hope you can sleep tonight, and are sleeping right now! I can't believe you go to Mexico so soon! I'll have Ms Moon withdrawal...

  18. Life is a grand feast... up down, hot, cold... Sometimes it's exhausting though.


  19. if i remember anything about mexico, it's need to pack because you'll end up wearing ONE bathing suit with ONE gorgeous length of fabric as a sarong...

    and your inner sex goddess? i dare you to stop her from completely possessing you the minute you step into that warm salty smokey air...

    i double dare you!

  20. Ms. Moon,
    I haven't lost a damn pound either. Fuck it.



  21. SJ- That will be nothing like the blog withdrawal I'll be suffering. It'll be good for us. I may schedule reruns.

    Ms. Fleur- It's exhausting to me.

    Iris- No! I love to dress up for supper every night. EVERY NIGHT. With make-up and silver jewelry. It's part of my fun. But you reminded me that I do need a sarong.
    Oh. That air. That soft, soft Cozumel air.
    I'm so glad you're back.

    Ms. Bastard- We must just accept our beauty as it is.

  22. I think re-runs are a great idea! You've got a bunch of good ones in the archives that I bet not alot of people have seen.


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