Wherein Hearts Are Blessed

I got an an e-mail last night from Aunt Becky, she of the Mommy Wants Vodka fame. In her e-mail, she asked me if "bless their heart" is a good thing or a bad thing in the south. Someone had told her that really, it's an insult. She asked for enlightenment.

Well, since I am from the south, I just assumed that everyone everywhere would understand the significance of "bless our hearts" with all of its many convoluted meanings.
But I guess not.
Here's what I wrote her back:
That's such a great question, Becky. There's a sort of tradition among us southerners that you can say anything about someone and as long as you say "bless her heart," after it, it's all okay. Like, "That poor thing. She's not the brightest bulb in the chandelier. Bless her heart."
Or, "She's overcome so many obstacles in her life. Her poor drunk mama, her no-good daddy and that, oh, you know- unfortunate birth mark. Bless her heart." It's not really an insult. It's more like just smoothing the waters have they have been riled.

But on the other hand, it can be used quite sincerely. When someone does something lovely for you, you say, "Bless your heart!"
"Thank-you for these lovely peach preserves. Oh, darlin'. You shouldn't have. Bless your heart!"

I like to think of it in the context that all our hearts need blessing for one reason or another.

I realized though after I sent the response, that it's sort of all in the way we say it when we say it. A person who has lived in the south for some time will know immediately from the way the phrase is said if it's meant as a blessing or an apology for less-than-noble thoughts or words about the blessed.

And I've been saying the phrase over and over in my mind, trying to capture the emphasis which we use to denote our meaning and I just can't figure it out. It's subtle. Very, very subtle, but very, very real. The implied exclamation point is sometimes there which helps.

"You're going to have twins? Bless your heart!"
"You grew all this zucchini? Bless your heart!"
"You had a flat tire on the interstate? Oh, bless your heart!"

But if we're addressing a loss or difficulty or sadness, it's completely different.

"Your sweet Aunt Myrtle died? Bless your heart."

But if we're saying it in the slightly snarky way, there is just a different tone to way we say the three words and in this context, we are hardly ever addressing it TO someone but about them.

"There's nothing in the world he wants more than to go to law school but, well, bless his heart."
This would imply that there is no power on earth strong enough to get him (whoever he is) into law school. Not with that IQ. Not after he played football for fourteen years without a helmet.

Or, "Mel Gibson just really should not drink tequila. Bless his heart."

But here's another thing I was thinking of- there has to be some affection for the person blessed,
no matter how the phrase is used. For instance, I would never, ever bless George W. Bush's heart. You will never hear these words come from my lips: "He really believed he was doing the right thing when he invaded Iraq. Bless his heart."
No fucking way. I am not blessing that man's heart. Or Dick Cheney's. Or Karl Rove's.
Besides, one has to be sure that the person receiving the blessing, whether in sincerity or not, has a heart to bless.

So all of these subtle differences make up the tongue-in-cheekiness of the name of my blog. But there's one more (at least) important context for the phrase. And this is the main one I like to apply to my little corner of the webernet. It's the sweet, affectionate and true belief that we all need our hearts blessed and it's the reason I called the blog bless our hearts, not bless your heart. It's the mother saying to the child, "You used the big girl potty? All by yourself? Bless your heart!" It's a sort of saying, I am proud of you and it's also the acceptance of the fact that we all do things that we know we shouldn't have but did anyway and now we need to learn from our mistakes and move on. It's the acknowledgment that we all dream impossible dreams and that we should bless our hearts for reaching for the stars while our feet are on the ground. It's the idea that we're all human, all doing our best, all stumbling sometimes and then getting up to try again.
We don't need a priest to bless our hearts. Mothers and fathers can be the best blessers of hearts because they love us no matter what. In theory, at least. Our friends can and should bless our hearts as we can and should bless theirs.

And we should bless our own hearts because in our heart-of-hearts, only we ourselves know our true intent, our sorrows, our hopes, our dreams, our very own heart songs.

Only we know when our hearts really need blessing. But in case you forget to remember to bless your own heart, here I am, blessing it for you. Not in a priestly way or an authoritarian way (I have no special power) but in a we're-all-human way.

I may not be your mother or really even your friend, but I am a mother and I am a friend and if you need your heart blessed, I am here at the ready to be first in line to do it.

So. Bless our hearts. All of them.

Now go on with your dreams, your troubles, your sad or soaring heart.

It's been blessed.