Dear god, it has been a day.
I don't know what it's the anniversary of but I can just about guarantee you that my body and subconscious are remembering something that was not in the least pleasant. I have a few ideas of what it might have been and just thinking about those things is enough to kick me into tears which is where I've been on and off all damn day long. I woke up from dreams that were filled with undoable tasks and letting people down and disappointing people and knowing I was entirely incapable of doing what needed doing. I am sure that part of this is seeing some of my children dealing with things that are not easy and knowing that I cannot change that. I cannot kiss the boo-boos and make them better. Not that that ever worked. I remember one of my kids saying, "You know, Mommy, that doesn't really help."
"It helps me," I said.
I actually went back to bed today which is something I never, ever do. I read for awhile and then slept, woke up and wished I could sleep through the entire day. But of course I could not.
I cleaned the hen house, I picked more peppers. And some of the last zinnias. And a few peas. I will make as much pepper jam as I can out of whatever peppers we still get. Today's basket will be a start.
It's all part of the same thing. The knowledge that time is passing, that not all of a life has been satisfying or successful, that mistakes have been made and continue to be made, that tasks have gone undone, that loved ones have been disappointed and let down in ways that cannot be undone now.
Regrets...I've had a few.
And haven't we all.
Regrets for sins of both omission and commission, for dreams that were never fulfilled, for dreams that were never even fully dreamed because of fear or of lack of belief or simply because they seemed impossible to imagine.
And then...we do the best we can, again and again and again.