And although I knew I shouldn't, I couldn't help myself- I grabbed onto him and I would not let him go. I held him and held him and held him. August and Levon were there too and finally I said to myself, "fuck it", and I started holding on to them, asking them how they liked their new brother, and making sure that they knew I loved them.
We needn't disturb Freud's eternal rest for an explanation of this dream. The new baby was a stand-in for all my grandchildren and each one of them is changing and growing so much as these weeks pass without me being witness to that change and growth that I'm afraid they will all be strangers to me when this time is over.
At least, that's what I think.
Just as I missed out on Jessie's pregnancy and birth in my dream, I am missing out on my grandchildren's lives.
And I can hardly bear it.
This morning was hard. John Prine. Charlotte Figi. I didn't know either of these people but they have meant so much to this world and now like a candle snuffed by an errant and uncaring breeze, they are gone.
As are so many every day.
How does anyone believe in a god when a little child like Charlotte goes through what she has gone through in her short life only to be taken by a virus that had nothing to do with her except that in her it found a host and it did what it does and now she's gone?
A local Publix employee has tested positive.
I am so scared for Lily and for Jason and for Lauren and for Billy, too, who works daily at the Coop. I can't think about it. I can't lose my mind. I need what few shreds of it are left.
When I was almost home from my walk, tired and beet red and sweating, my next door neighbor came out of his house. This is the couple with the now-faded Trump sign still in their front yard. I stopped and took my ear bud out of my ear and called out, "How are y'all doing?"
He couldn't hear me for the yapping of their many dogs who were in the front yard so he stepped out of the gate and headed right towards me. I put my hand up like a traffic cop's and said, "Stop! I might have it!" He looked surprised but he did stop. We exchanged a few words and I told him, "The hardest part for me is not being able to hug my grandchildren."
"Why can't you hug your grandchildren? Did they move?"
"Because of the virus," I said, feeling possibly foolish because maybe I'm being ridiculous. But I said, "We're all trying to be very careful."
"Oh yeah," he said. "Well, I think that pretty soon it's just going to go away."
And because I'm me I said, "I don't think we've seen nearly the worst of it yet."
He shook his head and walked to the car and I walked on to our house, glad to be back within its safety.
I don't even know why I needed to say that to him. He's going to live his life the way he wants to based on whatever Fox news tells him.
I'm an asshole, probably.
Anyway, here are some pictures of the Hartmann crew that Lily sent.
They look good, don't they? And their senses of style never fails. Oh, what I wouldn't give for a cuddle puddle.
I tried an experiment today. Here. This is how it turned out.
So much for that attempt at homemade protective gear.
I'll try again tomorrow with some regular fabric, I guess. The problem is, is that most of my leftover material has dinosaurs or unicorns or chickens and flowers on it. That's fine for me but I'm not sure that Mr. Moon would gracefully accept a mask made of these patterns.
Oh hell. He probably would. He's not exactly worried about his masculinity.
I could use cloth napkins. Not like I have any lack of those around here.
We shall see. We shall see.
The rain we were supposed to get never came. Maybe four drops. Another thing to worry about that I have absolutely no control over.
Well, here, because everything can't be gloom and doom.
A blog reader sent it to me and it's like she knows me. I posted it on FB too, with the comment about how honestly I want all of those boys to wear two masks apiece. I do hope they are all being safe with their wives and children and grandchildren and girlfriends or whatever.
No more though, than I hope you are. And your loved ones.
Off to make tacos and a sort of pickled cabbage slaw out of the one tiny head of cabbage that I managed to grow in the garden. It's smaller than the head of a newborn baby.
Maybe I'll get to hold another one of those in my dreams tonight.
A baby, not a cabbage but as we all know, dreams are odd and one cannot dictate how they will go.
At least I can't.
My grandson is 6 months old. And I haven't seen him in an entire month. I've missed 1/6th of his life, even though he lives fifteen minutes away. That's the hardest part of this.ReplyDelete
I'm not gracious enough to start a conversation with anyone who helped put Trump into office. I'm too angry right now.
Missing the babies- the hardest part of all for sure.Delete
I didn't really want to talk to our neighbor but it would have been rude to just walk past. Next time I'll be rude.
my grands are well and truly grown so I didn't miss that but I do miss them, can't hug them when they come visit. and no, you are not an asshole for telling that guy the truth whether he wants to hear it or not. you know, my life is really no different now, well, can't go to yoga class but we are still doing class via Zoom this week. at least we can all see each other and even talk to each other even though we are by ourselves at home. so, not much different but I am tiring of this and it's weeks and maybe months before things will get better. the longer it lasts the more likely it will take someone I love.ReplyDelete
I hear you, Ellen. So much of this is not very hard for me. But some parts are and the thought of having to keep on doing this for months is a bit wearisome. But we'll do what we have to do.Delete
May all our loved ones stay safe.
I wish we could dictate our dreams. After wowing the crowd at Woodstock in August 1969 I would spend a night with Marilyn Monroe some time in the summer of 1950 and I would ask her what she likes to wear in bed in she'd whisper "Chanel No 5". And I would wake up in 2020 and COVID 19 would be gone. It would have never happened.ReplyDelete
I'll send you my time machine and you can just do all that for real.Delete
In truth, I wish I could dictate my dreams too. Yours sounds like a fine one.
That thing with your neighbor--that's part of what is so head-spinning about all this. There is no agreed upon reality. There wasn't before, but now in the time of a pandemic, it is especially disorienting and contributing, I'm sure, to the moments I have where I stop and ask myself if any of this is real or if I'm just hiding out in someone's home and not showing up at work like I should be.ReplyDelete
Thank you for your sweet, sweet comment on my blog. You are so loved as well.
I was talking to a friend today about how disorienting all of this is. We're all noticing it. It's just so very odd. And no, there is no agreed upon reality. You put it well. Even the information we get from the "experts" (and I'm not including Donny in this) varies so much.Delete
I keep saying we do the best we can.
And I keep trying to do that.
I meant what I said on your blog. Your writing is richness personified.
I hear you about concern about your relatives. I have one son. Family of two. Im well into the age danger zone, but I worry about him. He works in a supermarket, exposed all day long to customers not all of whom are willing to distance. Until his early 50s he was in high tech. The recession wiped out the company, and now after years of full-time searching he has this job. He was in his last week of unemployment when he walked in and got hired. His old tech job is now just a part time gig he does remotely on his "time off" from the store. A colleague has tested positive. He never anticipated that he would be a frontline minimum wage worker. He does have a job, but it's so dangerous it's a very mixed blessing.ReplyDelete
Thanks for letting me say all this!
Say what you want to say here, Boud! I appreciate every word.Delete
Doesn't it feel awful when we can't protect our kids? I mean, that's the number one thing for all parents from the second of birth.
Or at least it should be.
I have made the masks with the nose curve sewn in (as in you sewed a curve) with flannel inside and cotton outside. I've also made the pleated masks out of cotton quilting fabric. The masks that hold their shape are WAY more comfortable than the pleated ones. I'm using up old fabrics with fish printed on them. They're kind of cute. Dinosaurs will definitely work for you both.ReplyDelete
I'd like to see a pattern for those masks. Or at least a picture. I'm not sure how effective the one I made today will be. Better than nothing? But hey! It matches my dress so there is that.Delete
My sister, who is eleven years younger, said to me today, at the end of a phone call, "Let me know if you need anything," as she usually does, and we hung up. A couple minutes later I grinned, and texted "I need a haircut!"ReplyDelete
It looks like both those grandsons need a haircut, though I know it won't happen, because their mama cuts the hair in their house.
Owen has the longest hair in the whole family! My hair is going to be down past my butt here pretty soon. I was already way overdue for my annual trim. Oh well.Delete
I'm so freaked out some days it is all I can do to think straight. Wrapping my head around the mentality of your neighbor and other tRumpers? Nope...Just tell everyone you love that you love them...Hugs...ReplyDelete
Maybe the trick is to only speak to the people you love.Delete
We're all freaked out but I know you must be so worried on a lot of levels. Please take care, e, and don't be afraid to ask for help.
It’s so hard not seeing our babies, but I imagine not seeing the little ones is hardest of all. Your grandchildren definitely have an exuberant sense of style. Keith would certainly approve!ReplyDelete
Yes- the littles.Delete
I adore how Owen is not afraid to walk his own path. And yes, I think Keith would have a laugh and a nod over that hair!
There is an amazing amount of ignorance alive and flourishing in this world. Health care workers are being attacked, not just in Mexico and India but in Australia as well. WTF!ReplyDelete
It's my grandson's first birthday and I will see him from a distance.
I hope you have lovely dreams tonight and stay away from your neighbors:)
People are crazy. That's all there is to it. Fucking. Crazy.Delete
Not to mention stupid.
I wish you could hug that baby boy up on his birthday. It would make you both so happy.
And yes, I'll stay away from my neighbors.
Jonah spoke to his trumpster dad today and I could hear his dad telling him about "hydra-chlorine which they say is going to fix this corona thing. Good thing your little grandma is already on it so we'll be safe from this hysteria."ReplyDelete
I made masks out of old t-shirts. Rob said he wouldn't wear one, and then he did. I feel utterly unmoored right now--I can't feel much of anything, but am watching everything. And Jesus Mary and Joseph, my dreams have gotten weird as hell.
I'm sure that my neighbor thinks the same thing. Fucking assholes listening to the Asshole in Chief.Delete
So is Grandma ordering her "hydra-chlorine" online? Maybe Rush Limbaugh is selling it.
I read an article about how everyone's dreams are more intense right now. I think part of it is that we're just sleeping more. But there's more to it than that.
I love all of your pictures - those cute as ever grands and equally cute Stones! I'm making my husband a superhero fabric mask and he will wear that because he loves all those movies. I think we will be seeing a creative varity of masks soon. At least I hope we will! You take good care and have sweet dreams about babies and all things good.ReplyDelete
Superhero masks are definitely in order! And yes, I'm pretty sure we'll be seeing all sorts of different fashion statements via mask-wear.Delete
You take good care too!
Such a sad day today, but you've brought some cheer to my night. Today on my walk, Oliver, Sophie and I passed Shonda Rimes' house (if you don't know who that is, look her up). There was a UPS man ringing her gate (she lives in an enormous house), and we heard a woman telling him to walk around the block to the side of the house, which he did. And then she came out rolling a cart for him to place all of her packages on. She was wearing a mask, but she waved to us and said hello. All I could think was that she'd had Obama over to her house many times and what a weird world it is we live in.ReplyDelete
Shonda looks like a pretty cool woman although who has the balls to tell a UPS man to walk around the block to the other side of her block-sized house? Oh, celebrities.Delete
At least she waved. At least she knows Obama. At least she fetched her own parcel.
It is a weird world. You won't get any argument on that from me.
Go with the fun fabric. I made two dozen masks for family and family friends who are essential workers. The tightly woven fabrics in my stash were originally meant to make toddler shorts--Pokemon, aliens, hearts, shamrocks, puppy paws--you name it, I made it. The best part is that some of these folks work in very high security jobs. Would love to see the reaction. They've sent me photos of themselves wearing them. Nothing like seeing a 6'+ burly guy wearing a Pokemon mask. So go for it.ReplyDelete
Or a 6'8" bearded guy wearing a dinosaur mask!Delete
We use what we have, right?
I kind of like the idea of a dinosaur mask, actually! Is it possible for you to Skype or Zoom with your grandkids? Obviously with the very little ones it might be hard but Owen and Gibson would surely be into it. You could even read them "The Little Red Hen"!ReplyDelete
I've thought about it, Steve. We have done Facetime with Lily and her kids. The kids keep popping in and out of the screen but it's fun.Delete
I love the grandchildren's outfits- especially the pink galoshes that Maggie is wearing with the turquoise dress and cute hat. I do hope you all stay safe. We have just heard our lockdown is to continue until the end of April instead of ending on the 16th.I get to speak to my children and grandchildren on WhatsApp video- but mostly the grands just say hi and then disappear- it's not the same!ReplyDelete
That's what my grandkids do! Hey! Bye!Delete
I don't think that anyone knows how long our lockdowns are going to last. As one of our main experts here said, "We don't determine the timeline. The virus determines it."
Isn't Maggie adorable? I miss that little girl so much.
Y'all stay safe, Wendy.