Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Picky Bitchy Bullshit

I am running on automatic here today, folks. I swear. I've had my walk and thus, am a sticky, salt-covered mess. I should take a shower but I think I'll put it off a bit. Who cares? No one here to smell me.

I am having another day where no one needs me and I don't have to go to town so you know what that means...nap time is coming up! Whoo-hoo! I 'm waiting to get all the laundry on the line because it would be a sin and a half to run the dryer on a day like today. The sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, etc., etc.

And obviously, I have nothing to write about.

Well, I kind of want to write about that guy who is a chef in Spain whose name is Ferran Adria who deconstructs food and drink and turns them into foam and weird science experiments that the servers have to instruct the diners on how to ingest. Because it's not really food when Chef A. is done with it. It's..., well, I guess REALLY, REALLY tasty foam which must be eaten in a VERY, VERY special way.
And he's closing his restaurant (which some call the greatest restaurant in the world) and is going to teach about food at Harvard and then he's going to reopen but not a restaurant which serves people but is more of a laboratory, a food think-tank. The course at Harvard will be titled Science and Cooking: From Haute Cuisine to the Science of Soft Matter.
Yum!
I read all about this in Vanity Fair which is obviously just a wealth of good information this month. If you want to read the article online (which was written by Jay McInerny) you can go here.
I've been reading about this chef for some years now and frankly, I don't get it. Not at all. Then again, heaven for me would be a real martini and a plate of barbecued shrimp with cheese grits and some really good cole slaw. Maybe a Bud in a bottle to go with. Especially if I'm sitting near the water which the shrimp came out of and sea gulls are flying around and shitting on a dock.
I have no desire to trip out gastronomically on deconstructed chicken curry which would be chicken sauce over curry ice cream. In fact, the very idea sort of makes me want to gag.
BUT, I have an open mind and if any of you have ever dined in a restaurant where such things are served and you GET IT, please let me know. Explain. And if anyone wants to send me to Spain and can get me a table at El Bulli before it's closed, I wouldn't mind.
I could definitely choke down marinated rose petals with artichoke foam and then suck the nectar from one perfect honeysuckle blossom. Why not? I'd be in Spain.

Okay. Here's another thing- reality TV. Why do I get sucked into it and more to the point- WHY CAN'T THOSE PEOPLE EVER GET YOU AND I RIGHT?
People- do you realize how ignorant you sound when you say things like, "It's up to you and I"? Every damn reality show personage misuses you and me, you and I. Every. Single. One.
But honestly, I have no room to complain. I sit there and watch that shit. For a little while, anyway, until someone says something so grammatically incorrect that I have to turn off the TV. And while we're at it- what's up with Jackie Warner? She used to have that show called Work Out and I loved it because it included all the crazy, fucked up, bitchy trainers who work in her gym as well as Jackie's crazy, fucked-up, bitchy lovers but now it's just Jackie and a bunch of overweight people whom she tortures by making them do exercise until they puke and then taking them to the kitchen to show them how to cook healthy foods. Or, actually, put yucky things in the blender with enough tasty things to be able to choke them down without puking. And then making them talk about their feelings on camera until they cry. Or puke. ("My daddy always called me fat.")

Okay. Don't need to watch THAT!

And obviously, as much reality TV as I think I watch, I am not watching nearly enough. Who the fuck are the Kardashians? Every time I go on Huffpost's entertainment page, one of them (or is always the same one?) is posing or has just posed nude. Or topless. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I have no idea. Just like with Justin Bieber- I'd just as soon not know. I figured out the other day that I'm about three generations removed from popular entertainment. Fine by me. I'm still pretty unsure about who Lady GaGa is but I like her name.

So what else about our present day popular culture is pissing me off or baffling me?
Okay. Here's one- it's not really about popular culture but it does PISS ME OFF and that's when an audio book is narrated by an over-dramatic actor who emphasizes every other word in a most annoying fashion, rendering the entire book unlistenable-to.
I guess I don't need to say any more about that. And actually, the book I'm listening to right now is so poorly written that the actor doesn't have much to work with anyway so I suppose it's not all her fault. I need to put it down and find something better to listen to while I walk and plant greens and trim palms.
Or hang out the clothes. Which I have just finished doing. Which means two things:
1. It's suddenly cloudy.
2. I am definitely headed in the nap direction.

So, here I go. Sorry I didn't have anything cosmic or profound to relate today but I just don't. And that's okay, too. I suppose I am feeling a bit more lighthearted. Well, I know I am. As I told our Beloved Ms. Bastard in an e-mail, I feel as if I've pulled my head out of the Black Dog's ass. And I do. So instead of worrying about The Meaning Of My Pathetic Life and so forth, I am able to think about things like the fact that I liked the way Jackie Warner looked better when she was more dyke-punkish and not wearing those stupid boy-shorts that don't look good on her, no matter how insanely great her abs are.
Yeah, well, the boy shorts I wear probably don't look that good either. But I'm not on reality TV.
And between you and I? I'm pretty darn glad.

Happy Tuesday, ya'll.
Love...Ms. Moon

20 comments:

  1. yes, I can help with the pop culture stuff- I'm hip, as the kids say.

    The Kardashians are a western Asiatic clan that invented camel dung travel pillows.

    Justin Bieber is a Canadian phrase for being cold, but not so cold you can't fondly remember eating moosecock for breakfast. As in: "so, pretty cold ayy? no, I'm justin bieber, and man! that was a good breakfast, ayy?!"

    Lady Gaga is how you'll feel after that nap. I'd love to feel lady gaga right now.

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  2. Lady Gaga wore a dress of meat the other day. I guess if it just came out of the refrigerator, it must have felt good to have cold cuts all over the body.

    I don't watch reality TV and not much TV at all. I hate the Weather Channel now because it is all BS and not weather. I still like MSNBC because the commentators hate Glenn Beck and Bill O of Fox. And Rachael Maddow has some sense. That's about it for me. Boring and dull on the TV scene.
    Grammatical errors make me twitch.

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  3. Great rant.

    I hate most of this shit that is popular. Mostly, it reminds me of our cultural plunging swan dive into the shallow end. Egads!

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  4. I see that the Teen Moms are now landing magazine covers. Which is sending the wrong damn message, if you ask me. Not that you asked me or anything.

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  5. You know how I feel about this very important topic.

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  6. I have been to one such restaurant (not the Spanish one) and I have to say I loved it. It's not for every day, but it was an adventure, and the food was great.

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  7. Magnum- Lady Gaga, here. It was a wonderful nap and I woke up to see that you have educated me. Thanks!

    Syd- I saw that thing about the meat dress. I suppose it was ironic or something. My dogs would like it a lot if I wore a meat dress.

    Ms. Fleur- Yes. Popular culture is a bit of an oxymoron, right?

    RockyGrace- Well, it's better than sending them away to homes for unwed mothers, I guess.

    Juancho- Join me for a Wife Swap marathon?

    Mwa- I believe you!

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  8. Lady Gaga has an amazing voice and a lot of talent, too bad she feels she has to be completely outrageous - didn't you read the article about her in last month's Vanity Fair?

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  9. Lucy- NO. And that magazine is still sitting on my kitchen counter. I should read it. Get educated.

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  10. I love your posts like this, and today's comments are great :)

    I wonder if Mwa means Heston Blumenthal's restaurant? I didn't know there was a Spanish version of him.

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  11. Oh goody, a premium quality ranting de luna dama, with No Foam! Don't get me started on the whole foam as food thing -- anyone who is eating foam as food and paying high prices for it needs to try not eating for awhile to find out what hunger is.

    Keeses to you! N2

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  12. Jo- Don't ask me. I'm ignorant.

    N2- Yeah, foam is not food in my book. I used to make this Jello foam stuff by whipping the Jello before it had quite Jellified. This was when I was a child, by the way. It WAS delicious, I have to admit, and fun to slurp that fake-fruity goodness. But even then, I didn't really consider it to be food.

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  13. No matter how delicious it is, food foam looks like cat vomit to me. If you've ever had a cat you know what I'm talking about. I'M SORRY!! And yes, I had to go there.
    Great rant, by the way. And I love the use of the term "Lady GaGa". I was Lady GaGa earlier today. It was awesome.

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  14. May- No kidding. Dog puke, too. I think we should all thank Magnum for giving us that new usage for Lady GaGa. It is perfect.

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  15. OK, don't rush out to get educated, but I think you would actually like these people.

    Lady Gaga - catchy tunes, adamant gay rights advocate, quirky outfits, needs some angel biscuits.

    Justin Bieber - bubble gum pop, cute as a doggone button. Really. Sweet as cotton candy all the way through. Your chickens would follow him anywhere.

    Kardashians - people can hate 'em all they want and I only watched 'em a couple times, but they're just real people. I saw them interact with New Orleanians when she dated Reggie Bush, and they were genuine. They like each other (three sisters +). People get all worked up about the nudity and celebrity, but really? I'd rather have role models with sex tapes who are kind, loving people than role models who are mean, petty people.

    Again - not trying to justify or push any of them, but ... they're just people. They don't bother me, and I don't follow them. I HATE reality TV because it's boring (and I don't even have a TV). Only Sarah Palin bothers me and her whacko sidekick in Delaware who is anti-masturbation. Have you heard of something SO HORRIBLE? Who can be anti-masturbation? Clearly she is a force of evil.

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  16. Okay, I don't have TV, so I'm saved from that, and I know people eat foam and oddly shaped blow-torched constructions but I'm on a creepy no-fat vegan diet to lower my cholesterol, so I'm saved from that, too. But I seem to be overexposed to frequent its/it's confusion on many a tweet or blog---present company excepted. What's with that? Irritating as a splinter, somehow.

    I do like foam food redefined as cat vomit. Used to have cats. Green foam surrounding a few artfully placed blades of grass. Voila!
    (I believe those who have sampled and found it delicious, but if the opportunity presents itself I'm sure May's imagery will be a part of the experience.)

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  17. oh my gosh, this post was so funny but then the comments were like extra foam on top (not the green blades of grass cat vomit kind), but the cherry on top of the delicious sundae kind. your readers/friends/family are so fucking funny and clever and smart. and i ALWAYS notice that too about the between you and I stuff. Damn.
    I've never heard of the foam as food and you are so right on about the new Jackie show, don't get it at all, and the shorts. Bleck.
    I don't know any thing about the Kardashians, but I like the way the name feels in my mouth.
    Lady gaga is how you feel after a nap is right on. Magnum is hilarious. maybe one would feel especially lady gaga after a nap with masturbation. is that really true that some political person is "against" this?
    i am glad i don't have time to pay attention to most of the world.
    I love Magnums definition of Lady Gaga.

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  18. great post:;-)

    well..i stopped watching tv 8 years ago..yes that right no tv..only dvd and cinema for the captain:-)

    BUT i , like mwa, had this type of food a while ago and loved it ..even so all i really remeber was something called "melon caviar" and since them i always say i wanna learn it..take a cooking class..or at least buy the damn book..but so far...ahem*..other things to do..:-)

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  19. Thanks for the hat tip, dear woman.
    I just did the same for you, except I was too goddamn lazy to link to Bless Our Hearts, so instead, I bitched out my readers for not already knowing the link (probably most of them do). Laugh.

    Jackie Warner is another of my gay crushes, but you are right about the boy shorts. If that hot bitch doesn't look good in them, who would? Not me. That's for damn sure.

    I love you!

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