Friday, April 23, 2010

Up In The Air, Down On The Ground. All Around.

I'm a little worried.
The thing I'm worried about is that the anxiety may be coming back and if this is true, well, there will be nothing for it but to get back on the anti-depressant because I know I can't live like I was trying to live two years ago- every day nothing but a time-space I had to get through with bloodied fingernails until I could sleep again.
That is NOT a life. That is NOT a way to live.
And I'd go on and on about how I feel like a failure or some shit like that but honestly- well- it is what it is. Brain chemistry. The world today. Blah, blah, blah.
I don't know. I'm going to see how today goes, see how it unfolds.

I had a moment of pure delight yesterday evening. Kathleen and I got to Colin's house for the party and we were the first two to arrive. I had my stuffed grape leaves (thanks Costco!) and Kathleen had a ganache-covered cheesecake and although we'd never been to Colin's house, it looked exactly as I imagined it would- just like Colin himself- tall and angular with interesting twists here and there. And that's not a big surprise. He designed the house himself. It's way out in the boonies on an airstrip. Other pilots are his neighbors and they scoot around the air in their beloved planes the way some of us scoot around in our cars.
After Colin gave us a tour of the house and we chatted for a bit with his newly-arrived-from-France girlfriend, Catherine, he took us out to the hangar and Kathleen and I got in that little plane of his and off we went, down a long grass runway and took off into the sky as easily as I would maneuver my way out of my driveway.
It was exhilarating!
I acted a bit as if I was nervous but I actually wasn't. There's something about Colin (probably that damn Brit accent) that just inspires complete trust. Go up into a tiny plane with a one-eyed pilot? Sure! Why not? It's Colin!

I forgot to take my camera but when Ron and Pat went up for their turn I gave it to Pat who took these pictures for me:

Doesn't he look professional?

The runway from the air. It's a very long runway, which was very comforting.

A bit of Jefferson County, which, from the air shows itself to be quite green with a lot of water. And fields. And cows. Which look very much like tiny anteaters from the air, the way their still shadows make their down-turned noses look longer than they are.

Monticello itself. The one town in the entire county. You can see the courthouse there and then, to the left and up a bit, the Opera House itself. Red brick with a white roof. I wished we could have flown over my own house. I would love to see it from the air but there were more people to take up and Colin could not have a glass of wine until we'd all had our flights.

When we got back to the house (and what a very smooth landing we made) more guests had arrived and they took off into the air with Colin, and Kathleen and I sat and chatted. One of the men there was not one of "us" (Opera House person) but a friend and neighbor of Colin's and another pilot. I think I pissed him off.

Oh, Mary. Why do you do this?

He was talking about how Jefferson County needs code enforcement. Okay. I do not keep up with the local news and had no idea what he was talking about. Turns out there is NO code enforcement in Jefferson County. He mentioned old buildings that should be taken out and the very trailers here in Lloyd which I despair of, not for the way they make our eyes sore here but because people actually live in them and it just can't be safe. And I was with him up until he mentioned the purple house.
Okay. Monticello is a town of many, many old beautiful houses. Some of them mansions, some of them of the smaller, shot-gun variety. Some of them in the middle. All of them have charm and grace oozing out the old windows and are genteel old beauties and right down a road in the middle of the downtown area, someone bought one of these pretty little houses and painted it purple with even purpler trim. Every time I see it, it makes me smile and I wonder about the people who live there. They have to be brave, to say the least. The main color scheme for our old houses here is...white.
A red door is pretty jiggy.
And so this man mentioned the purple house and how they never should have gotten away with that and both Jack and I said, "Whoa now, wait a minute," and Jack pointed out that people should have the right to paint their houses whatever color they want and I agreed quite vehemently.
"But their neighbors have to look at that!" this man said.
"Well, unless you live in a community with those homeowner association rules, you just have to face the fact that your neighbor might paint her house purple," I said. Speaking as someone who once had a house painted pink in a very old and settled neighborhood in Tallahassee a long time ago.
"Besides," I went on, "I'd rather look at a purple house than a beige one."
This is true but I realize it's not "normal."
Jack and Jan were laughing by this time.
And the man left quite soon after. Probably to go home to his beige house. He also probably told Colin later that I was a nut job. Well, he's right. I am but not because purple houses do not offend me.

Anyway, it was a sweet party and Kathleen and I ended up staying for three entire hours which is sort of a record for us. Jon and Steph brought their baby whose name is also Colin (not named, so they claim, after big Colin) and he is just getting cuter every day. He's a sweet, round munchkin and every one adores him. Here's a picture of him and Jan:

I can't help but compare Little Colin to Owen who is one month older than LC. Colin is so mellow. He sits where he is put and he smiles beatifically in stark contrast to my grandson who will sit quietly for approximately one second and who then wants down, up, over, around...IN SHORT, EVERYWHERE! And wait- are you EATING something? GIVE IT TO ME! I WANT TO EAT IT TOO!
Here's a picture of that boy I took yesterday when he was wildly pissed off because he was at the wrong angle to pull up on the coffee table (which he does about fifty times a day).

He has scratched his nose and he bumps his head and I've told Lily that the child should probably be wearing a helmet 24/7 because he is intrepid and determined to master all the human functions at once, resulting in numerous crashes and bumps. She and Jason are taking the frame off their bed and putting the mattress directly on the floor because he's already tumbled off the bed (he's lightening quick) and the fall from a mattress on the floor is less apt to kill him than if it's up on the frame.

It's funny how delightfully different babies are. Some are thinkers, some are content, some are movers and doers and not content with much at all but Lord, how we love them all. And do our bests to keep them alive which in some cases is easier than in others.

Well, as is not unusual, I have segued to Owen and I need to get out and take a walk and quiet the anxious monsters and feed the chickens. Owen will be coming today at two and I'm sure we'll have some bamboo-kickin' adventures.

But to finish up here, it was a good party and entirely bra-worthy, but by the time we left, I was glad to go. I was starting to do that disassociation thing where I can feel myself float up into the air, leaving my body down there somewhere, and it is not a good feeling. As we took our leave, Jack hugged me and said, "I love Mary. She is special."

Well. That's another word for it, I suppose.

It's a beautiful day here in Lloyd. I hope it's beautiful where you are, too. And I hope you have a happy Friday, whether you are content or discontent, whether you sit and ponder or fly and soar. We all have our ways, unique only to ourselves. We all have our needs and we are all special in one way or another.

Which is as it should be.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. There is a house along the freeway on the way to Boise, in one of those new subdivisions, and it is orange; a lovely, almost pumpkin orange, and all of hte others are various shades of, yep, brown and beige. I would assume it was one of three or four color options, but clearly everyone else feels beige and this one person feels pumpkin. Every time we drive by, I smile, because I bet behind closed doors people from the association are thinking, "Now why did we ever let orange be an OPTION?" So-if you pissed his friend off then clearly the FRIEND has the problem. Zoning, schmoaning-who has that kind of time? He either needs a hobby or a girlfriend.

    So glad you had a good time.

  2. Oh my goodness but you are brave. I had to take a couple of valium just to be able to get on the plane and go to Chicago last December with my daughter. The last time I went up in a little plane like that was at the Grand Canyon and let me tell you I will never do that again. I'm still trying to come to terms with that fact that the only way I'm gonna get to Europe is on a plane. By the way, there is a purple house not too far from my office and I posted a picture of it on my blog back on January 4. I love it!

  3. There's quite a trend on my street where more and more houses are being painted various shades of brown. On one hand I see how it would be practical, we do live on a dirt road, brown won't show the dirt. But oh my hell! Enough fucking brown already, people! I'll keep mine yellow, thank you, and I'll hose it of when it gets dusty and watch it get all sunshiny again.

  4. There was a purple house near the city that I liked. It is not uncommon to see many blue houses or other colors with bright blue shutters in rural areas. These are to scare away the "haints" that the Gullah people believe will enter if the protective blue isn't abundant. I like this better than beige aluminum siding any day. Viva la difference!

  5. I love how spunky you are, Ms. Moon. I lived in a place with an association and hated it. The houses were only allowed to be painted white, beige, or grey, the trim could only be black, navy blue, or forest green. Everyone had the same plants in their front yards. It was boring!

    Your town looks so beautiful from the air, but from the photos I've seen of your property, it is even more beautiful on the ground.

  6. Jack is exactly right. Right on.

    Glad your flight was enjoyable and your landing smooth. Spaz (my dad) had a plane for a time and used to fly me back and forth to college. But he was an AWFUL lander. His ass put me off planes FOREVER. Aviation is all through my family, and in fact my grandfather was a barnstormer and his pilot's license is signed by Orville Wright, but I FEAR FLIGHT GREATLY. I must GET VERY DRUNK in order to get on an airplane.

    The neighbor doesn't know shit. Purple houses rule! His boring ass probably drives a beige car, and he likely has a very tedious sex life, as well. I love judging others! I'd damn good at it, too. SB can peg a bitch.

  7. Riding in a small plane is AWESOME! Usually it means a trusted friend is piloting. And I agree, Colin is completely trust instilling and his voice and manner exude it. Trust that is.

    I am sort of surprised that his license has not been affected in any way by his eye surgery... My cousin was denied a pilot license for being color blind. I'm glad Colin is still able to fly!

    Have you noticed a "flying" theme in your world these past few days?? First the book, and then literally, FLYING! So glad you got to do that.

  8. There's a house up the street from me in Los Angeles, right smack in one of the fanciest neighborhoods in the city that is blindingly white and has about twenty or so mini statues of Michelangelo's David in a half-circle in front. The guy who lives there is a gay African-American rap producer and every Christmas he decorates it like you wouldn't believe. I absolutely love how shocking it all is and what a slap it might be to all those who live around it. I think if you google Michelangelo house in LA you can see a photo -- it has a name, but I can't remember it in this instant. Anyway, I love this post and hearing about your flight (wow!) and the purple house in Lloyd. And the picture of Owen is hysterical. Watch out!

  9. Ms. Moon, so glad your party was braworthy, and you got to fly around and see the world from higher up! My Mr. is my most trusted pilot as well, and I've seen a lot of America from up there, though I'm a nervous wreck until we land, every time, so I take pictures or Ativan to get me through!
    I love the purple house, people are so rigid sometimes. We have lots of interesting victorian painted ladies around here, but none purple.
    I know exactly what you mean about the disassociation - I can't quiet the commentator in my head enough to socialize properly sometimes.
    Hope you find the balance your soul needs, whether it takes drugs or not. If I knew what one worked, I'd be on it now.
    Have a great day.

  10. Wow Mama, I can't believe Colin took you all on his plane. He's so cool, and I think your cool for saying how you feel and what you think. I may not do the same thing all the time (yes, I did hug your mortal enemy on Wednesday) but I have certainly learned how to be proud of who I am from you.

    I sure hope you're feeling less anxious today, but you know, if you need to continue with SSRIs, then you do what you need to do. There ain't nothin' wrong wit dat.

    I sure love you.

    p.s. after pulling almost an all-nighter, I made an A on my psych exam today. Four more exams (and 1 very long nap) to go!

  11. Nutjob, my ass. Stupid man.

    Thank god the world has Marys as well as beige cretins like that :)

  12. Kori- I think the man has a good-looking girlfriend and a hobby too- he's a pilot. I think he's just a big believe in code-enforcement and proper house coloring.

    Lois- I had such complete faith in Colin that there was no fear whatsoever. Just exhilaration.

    Stephanie- Okay. Brown houses, unless they are the brown of the actual wood they are made of, are NOT in the code book for Ms. Moon.

    Syd- Rural AND coast town houses. This is part of my theory on the people who use living by the sea as self-medication for various mental conditions. And artists. Maybe same-same.

    Angie- They'd have to shoot me before I'd move into a homeowner's association situation. Some people love rules. Some people do not. You know which sort I am. And you too, I think.

    Ms. Bastard-Beloved- As I said to Kori, I think this dude just loves code enforcement. I have no idea why. Maybe he's ex-military. And I have no idea why I trust Colin so much because commercial airline pilots- not so much.
    I think I mostly don't trust that the planes are maintained properly whereas I know Colin's sure as shit is.

    Ms. Fleur- You're right about the flying theme! Huh. As to Colin- no- his license is just fine.

    Elizabeth- I SAW that house when I was in California once. You only live once, is what I say and so... if you love it- go for it!

    Mel- It is so easy for me to see why people become hermits. Sad. I wish better for all of us.

    HoneyLuna- YAY for A's! But BOO for all-nighters. Do you need to come out here for a good nap? Because I'd love to have you napping right here in your own cozy bed. I love you.

    Jo- Ah. He's probably a fine guy. Maybe ex-Military I'm thinking. He just doesn't like purple houses. His house, may in fact be green! Who knows? I should ask Colin. Whose house is a very pleasant shade of gray.

  13. That's the other thing! The most recent one to become brown is wood on the outside! Why *paint* wood brown? It's weird! It used to be blue, and it *did* need spiffing up. But brown?

    Okay. I'm done now.

  14. Ms. Mary Moon, I wondered over the past few days whether your meds situation was affecting your moods. Takes one to know one, if you know what I mean. I have tried several times to go off antidepressants, having convinced myself that (1) I don't need medicine, I can handle things now, (2) medicine makes me feel worse, not better. Each time, my conviction lasts for a few weeks of weaning/withdrawal. Eventually, the depression takes over and I go back on my meds because I cannot live the way I was living 5 years ago, no wait it was 6 years ago. 2004. The year of the blackness. That's my story, Ms. Mary Moon, just so you know that some of us just have to take the medicine.

    Hugs to you.

  15. Thanks for the air tour! Looked lovely!!

  16. Isn't it great to fly low? Those are the same views we get hang gliding..hiways and rivers look like little threads . I'm afraid of heights, but feel totally at home soaring and dangling from a glorified lawn chair 5,000' up. My gliding instructor says that's a perfectly normal reaction.

    Jets are cool too (especially when flying OVER severe storms), but given the choice, will choose hang gliding or small plane every time.

    Glad you got to go, glad it was bra-worthy, and LOVE the pic of pissed off Owen!

  17. That plane ride was a lot of fun. I'm mad I forgot my camera, but Colin said I can go again with him soon. Like I said once before, Little Colin isn't named directly after Big Colin, it just didn't hurt that he's such a nice guy. Either way, the ladies love the both of them. Maybe something in the name?

  18. Jon- I would totally let Colin fly me anywhere. And I think we love our Colins because of who they are. Not because of their names. Although- awesome name.


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