Friday, April 23, 2010
Up In The Air, Down On The Ground. All Around.
I'm a little worried.
The thing I'm worried about is that the anxiety may be coming back and if this is true, well, there will be nothing for it but to get back on the anti-depressant because I know I can't live like I was trying to live two years ago- every day nothing but a time-space I had to get through with bloodied fingernails until I could sleep again.
That is NOT a life. That is NOT a way to live.
And I'd go on and on about how I feel like a failure or some shit like that but honestly- well- it is what it is. Brain chemistry. The world today. Blah, blah, blah.
I don't know. I'm going to see how today goes, see how it unfolds.
I had a moment of pure delight yesterday evening. Kathleen and I got to Colin's house for the party and we were the first two to arrive. I had my stuffed grape leaves (thanks Costco!) and Kathleen had a ganache-covered cheesecake and although we'd never been to Colin's house, it looked exactly as I imagined it would- just like Colin himself- tall and angular with interesting twists here and there. And that's not a big surprise. He designed the house himself. It's way out in the boonies on an airstrip. Other pilots are his neighbors and they scoot around the air in their beloved planes the way some of us scoot around in our cars.
After Colin gave us a tour of the house and we chatted for a bit with his newly-arrived-from-France girlfriend, Catherine, he took us out to the hangar and Kathleen and I got in that little plane of his and off we went, down a long grass runway and took off into the sky as easily as I would maneuver my way out of my driveway.
It was exhilarating!
I acted a bit as if I was nervous but I actually wasn't. There's something about Colin (probably that damn Brit accent) that just inspires complete trust. Go up into a tiny plane with a one-eyed pilot? Sure! Why not? It's Colin!
I forgot to take my camera but when Ron and Pat went up for their turn I gave it to Pat who took these pictures for me:
Doesn't he look professional?
The runway from the air. It's a very long runway, which was very comforting.
A bit of Jefferson County, which, from the air shows itself to be quite green with a lot of water. And fields. And cows. Which look very much like tiny anteaters from the air, the way their still shadows make their down-turned noses look longer than they are.
Monticello itself. The one town in the entire county. You can see the courthouse there and then, to the left and up a bit, the Opera House itself. Red brick with a white roof. I wished we could have flown over my own house. I would love to see it from the air but there were more people to take up and Colin could not have a glass of wine until we'd all had our flights.
When we got back to the house (and what a very smooth landing we made) more guests had arrived and they took off into the air with Colin, and Kathleen and I sat and chatted. One of the men there was not one of "us" (Opera House person) but a friend and neighbor of Colin's and another pilot. I think I pissed him off.
Oh, Mary. Why do you do this?
He was talking about how Jefferson County needs code enforcement. Okay. I do not keep up with the local news and had no idea what he was talking about. Turns out there is NO code enforcement in Jefferson County. He mentioned old buildings that should be taken out and the very trailers here in Lloyd which I despair of, not for the way they make our eyes sore here but because people actually live in them and it just can't be safe. And I was with him up until he mentioned the purple house.
Okay. Monticello is a town of many, many old beautiful houses. Some of them mansions, some of them of the smaller, shot-gun variety. Some of them in the middle. All of them have charm and grace oozing out the old windows and are genteel old beauties and right down a road in the middle of the downtown area, someone bought one of these pretty little houses and painted it purple with even purpler trim. Every time I see it, it makes me smile and I wonder about the people who live there. They have to be brave, to say the least. The main color scheme for our old houses here is...white.
A red door is pretty jiggy.
And so this man mentioned the purple house and how they never should have gotten away with that and both Jack and I said, "Whoa now, wait a minute," and Jack pointed out that people should have the right to paint their houses whatever color they want and I agreed quite vehemently.
"But their neighbors have to look at that!" this man said.
"Well, unless you live in a community with those homeowner association rules, you just have to face the fact that your neighbor might paint her house purple," I said. Speaking as someone who once had a house painted pink in a very old and settled neighborhood in Tallahassee a long time ago.
"Besides," I went on, "I'd rather look at a purple house than a beige one."
This is true but I realize it's not "normal."
Jack and Jan were laughing by this time.
And the man left quite soon after. Probably to go home to his beige house. He also probably told Colin later that I was a nut job. Well, he's right. I am but not because purple houses do not offend me.
Anyway, it was a sweet party and Kathleen and I ended up staying for three entire hours which is sort of a record for us. Jon and Steph brought their baby whose name is also Colin (not named, so they claim, after big Colin) and he is just getting cuter every day. He's a sweet, round munchkin and every one adores him. Here's a picture of him and Jan:
I can't help but compare Little Colin to Owen who is one month older than LC. Colin is so mellow. He sits where he is put and he smiles beatifically in stark contrast to my grandson who will sit quietly for approximately one second and who then wants down, up, over, around...IN SHORT, EVERYWHERE! And wait- are you EATING something? GIVE IT TO ME! I WANT TO EAT IT TOO!
Here's a picture of that boy I took yesterday when he was wildly pissed off because he was at the wrong angle to pull up on the coffee table (which he does about fifty times a day).
He has scratched his nose and he bumps his head and I've told Lily that the child should probably be wearing a helmet 24/7 because he is intrepid and determined to master all the human functions at once, resulting in numerous crashes and bumps. She and Jason are taking the frame off their bed and putting the mattress directly on the floor because he's already tumbled off the bed (he's lightening quick) and the fall from a mattress on the floor is less apt to kill him than if it's up on the frame.
It's funny how delightfully different babies are. Some are thinkers, some are content, some are movers and doers and not content with much at all but Lord, how we love them all. And do our bests to keep them alive which in some cases is easier than in others.
Well, as is not unusual, I have segued to Owen and I need to get out and take a walk and quiet the anxious monsters and feed the chickens. Owen will be coming today at two and I'm sure we'll have some bamboo-kickin' adventures.
But to finish up here, it was a good party and entirely bra-worthy, but by the time we left, I was glad to go. I was starting to do that disassociation thing where I can feel myself float up into the air, leaving my body down there somewhere, and it is not a good feeling. As we took our leave, Jack hugged me and said, "I love Mary. She is special."
Well. That's another word for it, I suppose.
It's a beautiful day here in Lloyd. I hope it's beautiful where you are, too. And I hope you have a happy Friday, whether you are content or discontent, whether you sit and ponder or fly and soar. We all have our ways, unique only to ourselves. We all have our needs and we are all special in one way or another.
Which is as it should be.